Numb. That was how now ninteen year old Ava Lawson felt. Sitting at the kitchen table she felt tears fall from her face. She had given everything just for her to love her. All she wanted was her mom to love her.

Though after her dad left and then the two of them moved from Houston to Stockton her mom was never there for her. Ever. Ava did everything she could to get her mom to love her and be proud of her. Even degrading herself, and putting herself at risk in order to give her mom a hand in her career. Nothing.

Now all she had was a reminder of a broken condom, and the certainly that she was a dead woman walking. She knew who the father was. He was one of the guys about to go inside for who knows how long.

Taking out a pin and a piece of paper Ava decided to write a suicide not explaining why. Her feelings and everything that she had been keeping to herself since she was ten years old. When her dad left and then was later killed in a car accident because of a careless drunk driver. That was what made her mom decide to leave Houston Texas.

To the people who I have betrayed,

All that I have to say is I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt any of you. I had found a family. A family that I never knew that I needed because all I cared about was wanting the one person to care about me when in reality she didn't. I know that I'm a dead girl walking so I'm doing it on my own terms. I did care about each and every one of you. Though it doesn't matter since in a way I was nothing but a rat. i have mixed feelings with all of this because do to something getting broken I'm left with a little piece of the fake life that my mom made me have. Not that reality was real anyway. Always being alone and striving for attention when she wouldn't give it. Pretty fucking ironic in the light of things. i know that this doesn't make up for what I have done, but I'm sorry. Now if there is any chance that you are still alive mom, this next part is for you. All I wanted was your love and attention. Ever since dad left us you have turned cold. I would have done anything for you. I lost my virginity for you and degraded myself all for you. Now I have nothing left, but the chance to do things on my terms. Goodby mother.

Getting up she grabbed the keys to her 1999 Ford Mustang and got in and drove off. Delicate by Taylor Swift came on the radio then, I know it was not out in 2008, but hey I love the song.

Rolling down the windows and turning the radio up and drove along the highway. She was remembering her father when she was six years old. They had plans to go to Miami for a vacation. It was the last family vacation that they even had.

~Flashback Ava six years old~

"Humbug! Hum ba ha ha hug! Humbug!" Ava yelled as she swang on her swing standing up.

"What are Humbugs?" her father Jake Lawson asked walking outside with an amused grin on his face.

"Humbugs are much tickelish. Humbugs will tickle you all day...," Ava trailed off.

"All day long?" Jake asked as Ava nodded.

"Because, I'm swimming at Florida!" she added.

"You gonna go swimming in Florida?" Jake asked.

"I want you to swim with me and play golf with me." said Ava.

"Play golf? Who taught you to play golf?" Jake asked.

"I taught myself!" said Ava.

"Wrong! I taught her." her mom said walking outside. "You got the car packed yet?" she asked.

"Hey June Bug and yes I do." said Jake.

"Well we need to get going. Its an almost seventeen hour drive. Well eighteen if we count all the stops." said June.

"Well lets load up!" said Jake as the family piled into the Suburban before they made their trip to Florida.

~End Flashback~

Ava wiped tears from her eyes. Gosh she missed it. She missed everything. Yes her mom taught her the game of golf and she loved it. That was how they connected. Her mom would be stressed at work and the two would just go play and have fun together. It all ended when she was twelve. All because her mom had became obsessed with her work.

~Flashback~

"Hey babe! Football game on. Dallas Cowboys verses the Green Bay Packers. Take a break and come joine us." said Jake.

"I can't I have a lead on Steve Nelson. I've nearly figured out how he is getting his guns into the US." said June as she sat at her computer. Now Jake Lawson was the most laid back guy ever, but even he has his breaking point. Now because his wife would rather work than sit and watch the Superbowl with him and their daughter set him off.

"ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IF YOUR FUCKING JOB JUNE! YOU DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT OUR MARRIAGE OR OUR DAUGHTER! ALL YOU FUCKING CARE ABOUT IS WORK AND NOTHING FUCKING ELSE!" Jake took is full bottle of Budwiser and threw it up against the wall causing it to shatter. Liquid going everywhere.

"Yea well someone has to pay the bills since you got laid off and you have yet to find another job." said June.

"You know what? Fuck you! I don't need this shit! It's over, and I'll be filing for full custody of Ava." said Jake.

"Good luck with that. A no job, bum who had nothing but a highschool education agaist an ATF Agent. Good luck with that one!" June smirked. Days later Jake was killed in a wreck and June took their twelve year old daughter and moved from Houston to Stockton.

~Flashback End~

Tears just poured down her cheeks. Why couldn't her mom love her and give a damn about her at all. She had no idea how long she drove before she found a place that was high enough to end it all. Parking her car she got out.

Herman Kozik was the one who figured it out and connected the dots. Agent Stahl was dead, but he found a picture in her wallet. Ava Lawson. One of their Croweaters.

"FUCK! Guys look at this." he said.

"Shit! So what do we do?" asked Opie.

"We get answers and then take it to the club for a vote." said Piney. "I'll call the prospects to deliver the message to the guys going into lockup that thier plan worked, and then Opie you and Kozik go over to her house and get the answers and bring her to the cabin so she cannot escape." he added.

The two sons nodded and made their way to the croweater's house. No one was there. Kozik kicked the door in and the two walked inside looking around. Nothing. It was like the house had an eerie feel to it.

"KOZIK!" Opie yelled from the kitchen.

"What?" Kozik asked walking into the kitchen.

"Read this." Opie ordered handing Kozik the note that was left on the table.

"What the fuck! Shit! I don't even know how to take this one or how to go about it." Kozik said aloud as he was reading. "Shit this is heavy."

"A FUCKING NINTEEN YEAR OLD WHO IS CONFUSED ABOUT LIFE AND ALL SHE WANTED WAS FOR SOMEONE TO LOVE HER IS ABOUT TO OFF HERSELF BECAUSE SHE THINKS IT GONNA HAPPEN ANYWAY! IT CAN'T ESPECIALLY SINCE SHE IS THE MOTHER OF ONE OF THE SON'S UNBORN CHILD. THAT SON JUST WENT INSIDE! WE HAVE TO FIND HER AND BRING ALL OF THIS SHIT TO THE TABLE! IT'S NOT ALL HER FAULT!" Opie exploded.

Reflection by Christinia Agrilara was now playing on her car radio. Ava sat on the railing of the bridge looking down at the raging water fifty feet down and then a hundred feet from the bridge was a forty foot waterfall. If the jump from the bridge didn't kill her, the raging water or the waterfall would.

She had nothing left and it was better to just end it all right then and there. She climbed over the railing and just stood looking down when she heard the sound of motorcycles closing in.

~Nine Months earlier~

Ava was dealing out drinks behind the bar. Casey had invited her to come out and she went with her. Now she was just hanging out and handing drinks. Ava was shy and not very social. This was her third party.

"So what if we don't rebuild the warehouse?" she heard Jax Teller talking to Clay Marrow. Oh she had something. Warehouse for what? Guns? Ava knew that if she helped her mom crack this one it would be just like before. Mother daughter bonding time, playing golf.

All she wanted was to be loved by her mom again, but she didn't seem to care. All focused on work. Well maybe if she helped her with her work and helped out out she would be loved again.

"Ava that guy is checking you out. He's one of the top one. Sargent At Arms." Candy a fellow Croweater commented.

"He loves the young tight pussy. But he's very good and gentle and won't hurt you. As long as you both get your pleasure he's all good to go." said Casey.

"I'm not sure if I can handle anyone tonight. I'm still very sore from Juice." said Ava being truthful. Juice took her virginity three parties ago, and even now she was sore. She got by with giving blowjobs and handing out drinks, but her poor pussy couldn't do anything more at the moment.

"That fucking idiot doesn't know what he's doing. Sorry Tig I've got dibs since I just kicked your ass in the ring." Happy Lowman the Tacoma Killer called.

"Man fuck you!" Tig yelled out.

"Nah I'd rather take your young pussy away. Get us both a beer darlen and lets go." said Happy. Ava grabbed them both a Miller and Happy led them to his room. Shutting and locking the door Happy came over to her and kissed her hard on the mouth.

"You are so fucking beautiful. Take it all off." Happy said.

"I'm too sore. I'll blow you, but that's all I can do." said Ava.

"DON'T BACK TALK WOMAN! TAKE IT ALL OFF!" Happy yelled. Ava nodded remembering her place as she stripped down to nothing. Happy stripped down and straddled her kissing her mouth and her neck and eventually all the way down.

It felt good, but Ava knew that penitration was going to hurt. She winched as Happy slid into her and began pumping in and out of her before finally cumming into his condom.

"Go." Happy growled and Ava just nodded leaving the room. Still sore. Shit she could have swore Juice tore her three parties ago, but she had no idea, and she didn't know or trust any doctors, and her mom would just tell her to suck it up an do her job. That was getting information to help with her case.

"What the fuck happened?" Piney asked seeing the young girl in pain.

"I'm fine. Just about to head home." said Ava as she slipped away, but not before Piney grabbed her by the arm.

"Did one of these boys hurt you?" Piney asked.

"I'm a croweater so why would you care? Sorry for not remembering my place and snapping." said Ava.

"Come to the cabin with me. My Ol' Lady is a retired nurse." said Piney. Getting on the back of his trike she rode with him up to the cabin. Ten minutes later an older heavyset blond walked in.

"What the shit is going on now Piney?" she asked.

"Ava here is hurt and I suspect that someone was way too rough with her." said Piney.

"Why the fuck would you care about some fucking croweater?" she fired back.

"Mary please!" Piney said. He had no idea why, but he felt the need to protect this young woman. He was seeing her as a daughter. Yes she was a croweater, but that didn't fucking mean that the guys had to be rough as hell. He didn't know that she was a virgin when she slept with Juice, and Happy was very well endowed to say the least.

Mary sighed and brought her into the spare bedroom and took a look at her. " You have some tears. Nothing majore. He's some antibiodicts. Though I must say that I have never known any member to be so rough with a croweater."

"I was a virgin when I slept with Juice. He got too crazy. Then tonight Happy well you have heard about how large he is." said Ava.

"Ava why are you doing this since you were a virgin. You could go to college and have real life. Why this?" Mary asked. Then not knowing how true it was based on things she bottled up for years.

"Because all I want is to be loved. If it is just sex so be it. I have no one and my house is empty. I'm just starving for companionship." that was the real raw truth. Okay she was looking for information to help the one person she wanted to love her, but the former was the real raw truth that she hid from herself.

"Welcome to SAMCRO. Your loyaltiy is much appreciated." said Piney hugging her.

A/N: Well I hope you enjoy all the history with Croweater Ava Lawson. The bust, her beginning in SAMCRO, and eventually the answer of whether or not she'll jump off the bridge. I hope you enjoy this one. It's been in my head for a while.

Cast: Casey Thomas: Croweater friends with Candy Micheals and Ava Lawson. Hates Ima Tate, but gets along with everyone else. Was the one who brought Ava in. Portrayed by Victoria Justice.
Constance, Candy Anderson: Friends with Ava Lawson, and Casey Thomas. Croweater for SAMCRO. Portrayed by Gemma Arterton.
Ava Lawson: Parents Jake Lawson and June Stahl. All she wants is her mom to love her and since her dad was killed when she was twelve and then afterwards Ava and June moving to Stocktion and June not caring, well all she wants is her mom. Made to be a Croweater so her mom could get info and take down the Sons of Anarchy. Portrayed by Blake Lively.
Jake Lawson: Ava Lawson's father who was killed in a wreck. Portrayed by Judson Mills