Pathway to Destruction
By: Embers of Inspiration
I was supposed to die.
This isn't the first time Danna's thoughts turn back to this line. He's had about five years to think about it after all, even if he doesn't know it.
The place he's in gives him no perception of time. He doesn't even know if he can call it a place. The endless nothing stretches in all directions, too far to truly comprehend, yet uncomfortably close. It is both light and dark at the same time; but he sees nothing. He wonders if it is because there is nothing to reflect off of in this barren landscape.
Danna has only faint memories of how the sky looks, how the wind feels, or how the grass smells. He would relive the war against the Chess to experience all of this one more time. He even thinks he would willingly die again just to feel the sun warm his face while doing it. Which reminds him:
I was supposed to die.
Because Danna knows that whatever happened to him, he isn't dead. He knows that wherever 'here' is, it isn't some kind of purgatory or his personal version of hell. He doesn't have any sort of proof to back up his thoughts except for his instinct. It has saved him more times than he cares to think of. And although he trusts it, he sees no way it can help him out now.
So instead, he wanders.
Well, he thinks he wanders. Or rather, he would like to think that he wanders. He moves his feet, but nothing else changes. He cannot tell if he is moving forward, or simply walking in place. He thinks he can feel something under his feet, but he is not sure. Moving his feet however, gives him something to focus on. It helps him feel as though he is doing something, instead of just waiting for someone to come help him; because what if no one is coming?
Sometimes he stops, sits down (or is he just pulling his legs up into a sitting position?) and closes his eyes. When he closes his eyes he feels vaguely comforted because he can see things. Mostly he sees black, but other colors swirl around in his 'vision' as they would for anyone else who closes their eyelids. When his eyes are closed it is also easier for him to remember the faces of his comrades: Al, Jake, even Alviss (the determined young boy that he was – is? –) and with them, he remembers happier times of sitting around campfires or sparring with friends. Whenever he opens his eyes though, it all fades back into dream-like quality.
But what is the dream? he asks himself. Is it this quasi-existence? or is it these 'memories' that I have?
He begins to wonder if he made it all up. His family, the gatekeeper clown, MÄR-Heaven… his final battle against Phantom, he imagines it would be easy to create a world with so much excitement being stuck someplace so bland (as he is). Does his family miss him?
Does it matter though, if the two worlds I've made up are just that: made up? And if I could go back, when would I end up? It feels as though I've only been here for a few hours… no, has it been a hundred years? I can't tell anymore.
However the fact of the matter is that he could never tell.
After a few more minutes, (or was it a few weeks?) Danna comes to the conclusion that he has no answer. It seems the perfect solution in his current state where everything appears to contradict itself. Maybe I'm going insane, he thinks after more pondering on his situation. At whose standards though? 'Insane' is something that exists on my two imaginary worlds. Does this mean that here I am finally becoming sane? But 'insane' and 'sane' are both words. Do those… exist here?
Suddenly desperate to discover whether or not words exist in this strange dimension Dana opens his mouth to say, "My name is Danna."
For him, this is the most confusing event of all. As soon as he speaks the words, he realizes that nothing has been said, at the same time he hears his voice echoing back at him. Danna questions how this is possible, because there is nothing for the sound to bounce off of. Perhaps the sound bounces off of the nothing that so abundantly surrounds him? Is this why he can, yet cannot hear his words?
There is perfect silence, but his sentence continues to echo around him, steadily growing louder and softer simultaneously. It mocks him. It asks him: "Are you sure? Do you have a name?" What Danna catches in the undercurrent is: "Do you exist?"
After that he doesn't dare say anything else. His words continue to haunt him though. He can hear them clearly, bouncing off the walls in this place where no sound can be heard and no walls exist. Eventually, a miracle occurs.
Danna finds himself back in MÄR-Heaven. His son, Ginta, is facing off against an orb. Granted it is the most powerful and evil orb in existence, but this is not what surprises him most. For the first time (in who knows how long) he is participating in something that isn't part of his memories. Has he truly made it back?
He is reunited with some of his friends. He can actually feel the wind and breathe in the air (did he ever breathe while his conscious was trapped? – as everyone had told him it was – he couldn't be sure). Better yet, he can go back to see his beautiful wife and both he and Ginta can regale her with their tales of magic and brave heroes (themselves).
Everything is perfect. Everything is normal. Yet…
Whenever Danna goes to sleep he finds himself back in the shortest, never-ending nothing that he has ever had the 'pleasure' to experience, and has also so recently escaped. It's worse this time though, because he never remembers experiencing it until he wakes back up again.
He never tells anyone, not even his wife. He doesn't want anyone to worry about him since it doesn't seem to be too big of a deal; and more importantly it doesn't seem as if anyone can do anything about it anyway. Secretly he agonizes about it, because he realizes that if he never again wakes, he would never know that he doesn't exist. And this terrifies him more than thinking his life is a dream.
In another dimension where the vast open space gives Danna claustrophobia, his not-words continue to echo around him. He wonders: If my name is not Danna, and people do not call me that, do I really exist? He never knows for sure if he will ever make it back to his imaginary world and imaginary family. Because when he is there, he is certain of their reality.
Danna's dream never goes away. However he is uncertain still of what is the dream, and what is reality.
A/N: I hope things didn't get too confusing. It was difficult to guide Danna's character down the path of insecurity and insanity while still keeping him mostly sane, because he didn't want to do it. He wanted to stay completely sane. Stubborn Danna…