Title: And The Walls Come Tumbling Down
Author: Tashira
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis:
Pairing/Characters: John Sheppard, Teyla Emmagen, Evan Lorne
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Emo Whump, friendship
Rating: T/PG13
Het/Gen/Slash: Gen
Feedback: Gratefully received and always appreciated
Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate Atlantis, but I sure wish I did.
Contains: Emotional whump, off screen character death
Spoilers: None
Summary: When a mission goes horribly wrong, Lt Colonel John Sheppard gets a reality check.
He stood looking out of the window. It was light outside, the village was quiet, safe and now, protected.
He jumped slightly as the small hand tenderly touched his shoulder, he turned his head towards her, her voice soothing, her breath warm against his neck, "We're safe. You can rest now John."
He faced her, his face stoic, "I should have done more, it was my job, my responsibility, he…" she cut him short as a delicate finger was placed against his lips.
"There was nothing you could have done."
John tried his best to hide it, but Teyla saw the pain behind his slight smile, the regret and sorrow in the depth of his usually sparkling eyes, she ran her hand against his cheek, "He would have died no matter what you did – you were in a no win situation and he knew it and sometimes, not even you, John Sheppard, can perform miracles."
He heard her words. He even knew she was right, but that didn't change the fact that yet another person has lost their life - on his watch. In his mind, it was his fault and he would have to live with it. His mind began to wander.
They stood silently and she watched as the days events played across his face, his breath catching in his throat as he closed his eyes, the vivid images just that little bit too much. A single tear laid a trail down his troubled face.
A small gasp escaped her lips as she watched this normally strong, proud and tough warrior crumble in front of her. He had never been one for showing his emotions and she had learned to accept that, had watched him hide behind his quips and smartass attitude time and time again. But this was different, he had experienced much loss since his time in the Pegasus Galaxy and it seemed he had reached his breaking point. His vulnerability shook her to her very core as he leant his head against her shoulder.
She instinctively wrapped one arm around his back, one against the back of his head as she felt his weight begin to lean against her. She felt his arms wrap around her tightly in response and her heart ached as she felt the warm wetness of his tears on her shoulder.
No words were spoken for what seemed an eternity. They both stood, supporting each other until floods of emotions poured from within him. His body trembled as five years of anguish suddenly surfaced, sapping every scrap of energy he had left as he fell to his knees. He clung tightly to her, bringing her down with him and she struggled to steady the both of them as he lowered himself onto his haunches.
She heard a small muffled sob, "I…..c…can…can't…do this….any…more. I'm….not….not….I…just can't."
She fought back tears as she pressed him closer against her, "I know, I know – maybe, we will talk with Woolsey…" she paused, "Later, when you are feeling…stronger."
"It…it….it sh-should…have been me.."
"Nonsense! He knew the result of his actions. You were the only pilot, you had to fly the cargo ship. He knew you were the only one who could bring the villagers home." Her voice was strong, almost stern.
He sat back from her, his eyes red, his face damp with tears, "But it is MY team, I was in charge. It wasn't his decision to make."
"You would not have made the right choice - and he knew it."
"He just had to play the big hero! The stubborn, pig-headed egotistical…."
"So now you are angry with him?"
John frowned, his voice deep and course, "You're damn right I'm angry!"
"Stop it!"
"Why? Because you know I'm RIGHT?"
"No – because beating yourself up over this is not helping you – and will not bring him back."
"But it sure will make me feel better!"
She raised one eyebrow and cocked her head at him, "Will it?"
He slumped back down and sat on the floor, defeated. His voice was soft and barely auditable, "It should have been me."
She reached out and placed her hands on top of his on his lap. A loud knocking sound made them both jump.
Instinctively, John pulled away, rising to his feet, his hands pulling up his shirt to his face, desperate to wipe his emotions away. He turned his back to the door as she unlatched it.
Major Lorne stood in the doorway, his face solemn, his voice sombre, "Can you please tell Colonel Sheppard that we are ready to make our way to the Gate now."
"I will. We will be there shortly, Thank you Major."
She closed the door and turned back to him. He had put on his Tac Vest and was busying himself attaching his P90. A small part of her hurt inside as she saw the invisible impenetrable wall around him return – only his bloodshot eyes showed any sign of the emotional outpouring that had happened just minutes before.
As he closed the final clasp, she touched his hand, "Are you sure you are ready?"
He shook his head softly, "I…." he paused, his tone then changed, stronger – his emotions withheld once again, "We need to go home."
"That is not what I asked."
"I have no choice."
"I can ask them to wait – we can rest, return in the morning. I am sure Mr Woolsey would underst…"
"No! I need to get him home - " He paused, momentarily closing his eyes, his voice softening " - he deserves that much from me."
He brushed past her and opened the door, stepping onto the veranda of the wooden hut. Before him stood the whole village, all men, women and children. They formed two parallel lines leading vertically from his hut down to the Stargate. Each one of them stood tall, holding the hands of their neighbours forming a path down to the familiar large round gateway.
"I think it is their version of an honour guard sir." Lorne stated as he watched his motionless superior stare.
"Yeah." Was all Sheppard could muster as the significance of the situation hit him.
He took a sharp intake of breath and turned back towards Teyla, his voice was soft, almost pleading, "Walk with me…..please."
He didn't have to ask twice, Teyla bowed her head and joined him at his side as the two made their way down the steps. As they stopped at the bottom, he glanced at her and as a small but gentle smile appeared on his face, her heart skipped a beat as a feeling of honour flushed through her. He had chosen her to open up to, her to confide in, her to trust and now she must stand tall beside him, help him through this next stage.
"Colonel?"
"Huh? Oh, sorry Major..um…yeah – let's move out."
"You heard the Colonel guys, let's go."
Sheppard and Teyla fell into step behind Lorne and his men as they all walked down through the guard honour towards the Gate.
"Thank you Colonel, Thank you Colonel." Was all that could be heard over and over again as Sheppard smiled awkwardly at the villagers forming the lines on either side of them.
Lorne and his men had stopped just short of the Gate.
Six villagers stood on ceremony surrounding a large elaborately carved wooden casket. As Sheppard approached them, they stepped away and Lorne and five of his men replaced them. They bent down and picked up the casket, carrying it at waist height towards the Gate.
The Leader of the village gingerly walked up to Sheppard, "I hope that our Nartack Ritual will go a small way to showing you how much we appreciate what you and your team have done and the sacrifices you have made. On behalf of us all, we are sorry for the loss of your comrade Colonel."
He bowed his head and Sheppard did the same. Looking back up, Sheppard gestured to the people lined up behind him. "Yeah, he would have loved all of this." A small smirk crossed his face as he pictured the comments that would have been made.
"Thank you again Colonel." The villager stated as he backed away, bowing, as the Gate was activated.
Sheppard's attention was drawn to the casket as the soldiers carried it towards the Gate. They were going home, back to Atlantis, back to face the questions, the whys, the accusations. He had to be the one to tell them, to tell the rest of his team. To face them, to explain, to take the blame.
"Wait!"
Lorne stopped immediately, "Sir!"
"I want to go through with him." Sheppard ran up a couple steps to stand at the horizon next to the casket, Teyla followed immediately, not letting him feel abandoned for one moment.
She observed him as he laid his hand on the beautifully carved wooden box. With each loss, the shining light that is John Sheppard dimmed, this time it appeared that it might never shine as brightly again.
As both Sheppard and the casket approached the horizon, he closed his eyes, dropped his head…
He took a deep breath, patting the casket softly, his voice was only a whisper, "You've been a good friend - Arthur…"
The End