Firstly thanks 2 SisiDraig 4 being my BETA if this is ne good it's all down 2 her…

Secondly 2 ne one who reads this and is new 2 my fics or the board u kinda have 2 read my other two fics The Bomb and I see the night, but I'm lost outside of you as this is a sort of follow up 2 the plot in those stories…so read them so u know what's going on if u feel like it: D

N e way hope u enjoy: D

There's nothing now.
Vince feels nothing. Everything is numb, from his head down to his toes it's all just an empty void of space. He sits on the end of his mattress his legs tucked up underneath him, his limbs slowly losing feeling the longer he just sits there. It's been days but to him it feels like moments, time doesn't have any meaning, its all just pain. He's surrounded by a stale and cold army of tea mugs. Vince stopped eating, he hasn't eaten anything since that night. He can feel himself growing weak every bone in his body is exposed sticking out through his pallid skin. They make him drink through, Leroy practically sits on him until he's had just a little sip, but it's only ever a little sip never enough to quench his thirst his mouth is always dry.
This is nothing like the first time when he lost Howard, he'd felt like a part of him had died but there'd been hope. He'd had hope that everything would work out for them in the end he'd never given up…but now all the hope had been extinguished, there was no coming back from this.
Vince sleeps a lot, the pain goes away when he sleeps he loses himself in the memories. When he wakes up he forgets for the briefest of moments, his mind plays cruel tricks on him as it replays all the times he didn't wake up in Howard's warm strong embrace. The sound of water running tells Vince that Howard is in the shower or on the loo, the clank of plates lie to him that Howard is in the kitchen having breakfast. But its all just lies Howard hasn't let Vince sleep in, he isn't having a shower, he's not in the kitchen he's gone, that's the real reason the space next to him is so cold, he's just gone and everything, everything is over.
Vince hears a muffled knock on the door and then Leroy appears.
'Alright mate,' He shifts awkwardly in the doorway dancing from one foot to the other, this is all too real for him.
'Someone's 'ere to see you.'

Naboo stood in the doorway, he's never had to struggle before to keep his emotion from his face but he's struggling now, he's never seen anything so desperate before. A thought slips inside his head, but he pushes it away as quickly as it appeared.
'It would have been better if they'd both just…'
Vince is sitting on his bed wearing a pair of y-fronts and a vest that's at least three sizes too big for him, it hangs off his rapidly diminishing frame. He's covering his face with his hands and his hair looks like he hasn't touched it for a long time; it's all messy and tangled.
Naboo is glad Bollo isn't with him, he isn't sure what the ape would have done if he'd seen his Precious Vince in such a state. Vince never looks up it's like he's been frozen. Naboo moves across the room closing the door behind him. He pauses for a moment, he's never been in Vince's room before. It's a surprise, there's elements that the tiny shaman had expected like the faces of the glam rock, punk, electro stars staring out at him from the walls but there's a map of Australia above the bed and various other objects he must have collected on his travels. There are also a hell of a lot of photos of him and Howard, there's a really early one of them from school that Naboo has never seen before and then loads of vomit inducing couply ones. Its like history has been re-written like Vince and Howard went straight from school and then they were a couple and everything else has just disappeared but it hasn't, the reason why there are no pictures from the Zoo or them at college or living in the flat is because Howard had decided to cut Vince's head out of all of them in a fit of peak.
Naboo sits down on the bed.
'It used to smell like him…now it just smells like me.' Vince whispered his voice muffled from between his hands. Naboo guesses that the vest Vince is wearing is one of Howard's ugly old ones. He defiantly needs to have a wash. Naboo never had a speech prepared, he just knew that his friend had needed him but now he feels lost swept away in the current of deep, dark, foreign waters.
'Why?' Vince whispered feeling the gap in their conversation. 'Why, why, why did they take him away from me again?' Vince's voice was horse and raspy.
Naboo reached out pulling one of Vince's hands away from his face gripping it tightly in his own, he looked away. It felt strange, he'd never really held anyone's hand before. It was all very alien to him. Vince started to cry again and Naboo squeezed his digits tighter.
'I wish it had been me…I wish I was the dead one, Howard…' He sobbed.
'…Howard would have been alright without me.' Naboo knows that's not true. Vince has overestimated Howard, if it had been the other way around Naboo knows he'd have been sending his best robes off to the dry cleaner to get them ready for another funeral. Vince is the strong one he just doesn't see it.

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Howard.' Vince's familiar voice cracked down the end of the receiver, Howard grunted in response. There was a long pause each one listening to the sound of the other one's breathing.
'Howard,' Vince began again after a long world weary sounding sigh.
'What?' Howard's revolve had snapped.
'Are you still angry with me?' There was another long pause, while the older man tried to work out whether he really was still as angry as he had been a few hours earlier.
'Don't be angry with me Howard, I said I was sorry.'
'That's not the point though is it, Littleman?'
Vince muttered something under his breath. It was just low enough so that Howard couldn't work out the actual words being used but loud enough so that he knew it was an unhappy Vince complaining.
'That's it, I'm putting the phone down don't call me again tonight. I'll see you in the morning.'
'No! No, no, no Howard don't hang up I'm sorry. I really am sorry this time, I was sorry before but I really mean it now.' Against his better judgement and the sound of Vince's whining he stayed on the line.
'Love you.' Vince purred. Howard wasn't stupid and he wasn't naïve, he knew all too well that the other man was trying to wrap him around his little finger. It was of course working but he wasn't about to let Vince know that.
'Don't start all that, Sir.'
'But I do love you Howard, I hate it when you hate me.' Howard was pretty sure Vince was pouting. He sighed again his head losing the battle with his heart.
'I don't hate you. It's just, it's just we really needed that money we were so close to making this month's total and then you go and…you go and fritter it all away on rubbish.'
'It was not RUBBISH! I need clothes Howard, I can't go around in rags like you!' They were heading in the direction of another argument, ghosting over the footsteps of their previous one that day. 'I don't go around in rags, Sir. I understand that you need clothes, I understand that,' He swallowed hard. '…but don't you think you have enough? Half the things you buy you never wear more than once and the rest have still got tags on them.

The pressure was building up inside Howard was suddenly released in a faint chuckle. 'I'm insane.' he finished softly, 'for putting up with you'. He couldn't stay cross at Vince for long, they'd been through too much, he'd been through too much and, in the grand scheme of things, it didn't really matter that much.
'I'm sorry I let you down, I did try honestly I did.' Vince informed him weakly, Howard chuckled again the tone noticeably changing.
'I know, look it doesn't matter we'll try again next month.'
'Do you think we'll lose that flat, now?' Vince questioned sheepishly.
'Defiantly, but who needs a flat that's close to where we both work almost in the centre of Dalston, has great transport links, is big tidy and cheap who needs that? We'll just have to lower our standards and settle for an out of town box instead. I don't mind a two hour commute into the city everyday if you don't.' A wide grin spread over his features at the sound of Vince's laughter.
'Shit we're rubbish at this.'
'No, you're rubbish at this Littleman.' Howard corrected him, Vince just giggled in response.
The silence that fell between them a third time was easy and relaxed punctuated every now and then by the sound of glossy pages being flipped over.
'You know what Howard,' Vince mused. Howard was only half listening to the pearl of Cheekbone wisdom, which he was about to be exposed to.
'…I've got one hell of a tromboner.' He sat up suddenly spluttering the lukewarm cup of tea he'd been drinking all down the front of his roll neck.

'.What?' Howard coughed and Vince just laughed.
'Where did you learn that word?' Howard has a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, taking his phone with him he goes to check something. Vince's laughter only increased at the sound of his desperate rustlings.
'Vince!'
'It's funny the things you can find under peoples beds.' The younger man informed him casually.
'I've changed my mind, I do hate you.' Vince broke down then and the phone crackled and popped at the sound of his uncontrollable giggling fit.
'Seriously though Howard, how much did they pay you?' A mixture of annoyance and embarrassment welled up inside the older man, why hadn't he just burned that bloody magazine? Vince and Bollo were the two people, well, one shallow futuristic twat and ape he hoped would never see it. This was it, Vince was never going to let it drop. This would haunt him forever.
'Nothing I was drugged.'
'Nothing? Christy Howard and you say I'm crap with money.' Howard raised his eyebrow leaning his back against the frame of his bed, defeated. 'You are crap with money. Anyway I doubt they would have paid me.'
'The camera work is pretty shit but you're hot, really you are Howard.'
'I'm going to strangle you when I see you.' Howard warned trying his hardest to sound ominous.
'I wish you would,' Vince whispered softly, the tone of his voice changing suddenly, all the humour being sucked from the conversation replaced with something else.
'I wasn't taking the piss before and I do have a…tromboner, how come you never do any of that stuff for me?' Howard shifted awkwardly eyeing his real trombone, which sat gleaming at him from the corner of the bedroom.
'You don't like Jazz.'
Vince snorted. 'So, how much Jazz were you playing in these pictures?'
Howard couldn't actually remember, he scratched the back of his neck and grunted.
'Yea that's what I thought, so are you coming over then or what?' The Jazz Maverick, for the briefest of moments, thought about refusing but really who was he kidding.
'Yeah alright then, what about Leroy and Sue?'
'I don't think they're gonna appreciate your modelling as much as me.' Vince teased.
'Vince.'
'They're out. Oh and Howard bring the trombone.'
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'That one I'm going to call Gary, that one I'm going to call Mick and that little one there I'm going to call,'
'Let me guess,' Howard interrupted. '…David.' Vince looked up at him with an expression of utter disgust.
'David, David no-way! That one I'm going to call Jagger cus it's all jagged and stuff.'
They were tangled together on the sofa, Vince laying sprawled out on top of Howard wearing sherbet yellow coloured t-shirt with the angst ridden physiognomies of Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen emblazoned across his chest and a pair of blue and white y-fronts. Howard was clad only in his almost thread bare subdued muffin coloured dressing gown.
'Move your head a bit I can't see the telly.' Howard mused as he awkwardly tried to negotiate watching Antiques Roadshow over the top of Vince's head.
'Urgh god Howard it's a good job all that food has made me…'Vince paused searching for the word. He frowned a little as he glanced over in the direction of the Sunday dinner plates sitting, looking as if they'd been almost licked clean, on the coffee table opposite.Whatever Vince had been about to say he lost interest, returning his attention back to Howard's broad bare chest tracing the outline of the scars with his fingers and his tongue, which pickled his skin. Just as the credits had started to roll up across the screen the front door of the flat had slammed shut and there'd been the sound of multiple footsteps stomping up the stairs. Vince quickly closed the front of Howard's dressing gown knowing how the Jazz Maverick felt about anyone except from him seeing his battered physique.
'Alright Naboolio, alright Monkey man.' He grinned at Naboo and Bollo.
'You better not have been shagging on the sofa again.' Naboo warned darkly, before heading off in the direction of his bedroom his head hanging limply against his chest.
'Did things not go well with the Shaman council?' Howard questioned pushing Vince up and off of him, crawling into a sitting position.
'Naboo got points on licence.' Bollo informed the pair as he padded into the kitchen filling up the kettle.
'I want a tea, loads of milk and six sugars.' Vince commanded from the sofa snatching the remote out of Howard's grasp flicking through the channels letting it rest on a repeat of Project Catwalk.
'How many points?' Howard climbed off the sofa helping the ape with his tea making knowing that his skills left a lot to be desired.
'Naboo lose licence got to take Northern line.'
'I'm dying of thirst in 'ere!' Vince complained from the sofa.
'Maybe Precious Vince make own tea more often, maybe wouldn't be so…' Inwardly Howard was screaming, screaming for Bollo not to mention the whole 'fat' thing. Vince had put on a little weight, well not so much a little as quite a lot okay so he had the makings of a pot belly but he was still beautiful and to Howard it meant that the younger man was happy and relaxed enough to let himself go a bit. However Howard knew Vince would never cope with being told he was fat, actually hearing the words would have killed him, so he did the only thing he could think of and stamped on Bollo's foot.
'I'm sorry.' He whispered under his breath, feeling terrible, as he watched the ape double up in pain, and then afraid, as he saw the glare in Bollo's gaze. Taking his and Vince's cups he escaped back into the safety of the living room.
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Vince was standing in the kitchen just staring blankly at the floor when Howard found him.
'Littleman.' At the sound of Howard's familiar Northern lilt Vince suddenly burst into life opening the kitchen cupboards searching for something.
'Alright.' He grinned glancing over his shoulder; the smile never reached his eyes.
'Think I might crack out the special tea tonight.'
'Vince.' Howard sighed as he leant his back against the work surface, slouching as he gazed at the younger man his features marred with concern.
'I like your sister Howard,' He brushed his hand over Vince's shoulder, watching as he spooned a little too many leaves of his 'special tea' into one of the four cups and not enough into the others.
'…I wish she was my Mum.' Howard snorted.
'You know that would make me your Uncle.' This time they both looked at each other and the toothy smile Vince flashed did reach his eyes. Tucking the packet of 'special tea' discreetly behind an open box of Jaffa Cakes, Vince closed the cupboard. Making his way across the galley style kitchen, he pulled a half full bottle of milk out of the battered looking fridge. He ran one hand through his hair as he sloshed the milk into the cups.
'Is that enough milk for Jack?' Howard had cleared his throat nervously as he'd struggled to remember.
'I ah, I'm not sure.'
'Christy Howard I hope if we ever broke up you'd at least remember how I liked me flippin' tea.' Vince gave a breathy laugh, but neither of them found it funny, the younger man's insecurities were raw and exposed and bleeding out in his kitchen.
'We're never going to break-up.' Howard reached out attempting to grip the younger man's hand but before he could Vince had pulled away and danced back over to the fridge replacing the milk back on its yellowed shelf.
'Yeah, I bet that's what you told him in there.' Vince nodded in the direction of the open kitchen door the fairy lights flickering just into view from the living room. Neither of them attempted to laugh of his comment this time. Howard had known it had been a bad idea to introduce Vince to Jack. Naboo and Bollo had both warned him against it sighting how jealous the electro poof could get but he'd been foolish enough to believe he knew better; he'd been wrong. Vince had been in a funk for days asking him but never really asking him what was going on what had passed between them. It was the elephant in the room. Howard felt guilty about spending any time with Jack alone, even though they weren't spending 'time' time together, it was just work time but he still felt like he was having some kind of torrid affair.
'What's your problem?' He just blurted it out before he had the chance to properly filter his thoughts.
'My problem,' Vince rested his hands on his hips his voice leaving his body in an indignant squawk. 'My problem is that you're obviously gay and you never told me! You lived with that French twat for a year and you never told me! You lived with him; you don't live with me,'
'Whose choice is that?' Howard interrupted Vince mid-flow, keeping his voice down to a low angry whisper. Vince mumbled something in response, his features darkening as he began tolook distinctly sulky.
'Oh grow up, Vince!' Those words to Vince had felt like a body blow it was the one thing he was incapable of ever doing, growing up. He felt like a six year old cruelly imprisoned in the body of a thirty year old. Vince's bottom lip began to wobble, he wasn't much of a crier, he usually never got too deeply involved with anything to feel so sad that he needed to cry but suddenly he'd been crying, really crying, like a woman or something. He must have looked like a mess, he felt like a mess, his mascara rolling down his cheeks in long thick black trails.
'Oh Vince don't.' Howard's voice had sounded harsh at first but there had been a soft sympathetic undertone.
'Vince don't cry, please.'
Vince sniffed dramatically, Howard shuffled towards him pulling a tea towel of the kitchen counter as he moved.
'I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the,' He sucked in his breath, he hated that word.
'…the whole me being a massive gayest thing but I thought it would have been a bit obvious.' Vince shrugged and let Howard dab his cheeks with the dry tea towel.
'I thought this was special.' He pouted.
'You soppy tart,' Howard smiled pulling Vince into his arms planting a kiss on his forehead.

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He remembers the first time he ever saw their dream home. It was about three o'clock in the morning, drizzling and he had been pissed out of his brain pining an equally pissed Vince up against a shop window.
'Vince, no,' Howard had slurred as the younger man had uncoordinatedly tugged at his belt.
'Oh go on 'Oward, don't be boring.' Vince had pleaded his probing tongue slipping inside Howard's mouth, he'd tasted different a mixture of Flirtinis and a hint of sick. Generally Howard would have been appalled but he'd been too drunk to really care. The side of Vince's mouth had been sticky when he'd pulled away, not that he could pull away much with the younger man's legs wrapped around his waist.
'Just a quickie yea, you can bum me this time.' Vince had grinned, breathless and excited as ever.
'Vince no, I dunno,' Howard whispered always sounding more Northern when he's drunk.
'Oh come on 'Oward no one's gonna see, ssshush.' He'd sloppily kissed him, grinding his hips against the older man's reluctantly growing hardness. Vince had reached out for his belt again pulling at it skilfully, without even breaking, or looking down from, their kisses. Howard had given in, not that he'd really put up that much of a fight; as if he'd ever put up much of a fight when it came to having sex with his best friend.
'Alright, but in the doorway.' Vince had happily jumped down from his lap at the suggestion grabbing Howard by the collar of his jacket. He'd pulled him into the darkened doorway. It wasn't the first time they'd had sex outside or in public. They seemed to do it a lot in club toilets. Generally when Vince had been hyped from finishing a gig or a set, he'd started to get into DJing. They'd done it twice at the taxi rank and three times at the bus stop, and once even in the changing rooms in Topshop.
It was a quickie and over quickly Vince had been over excited and Howard had been overly pissed and it had all ended in drunken laughter. When he'd been pulling his trousers back up and Vince had been shimming back into his skinny leopard print jeans Howard had seen it from the corner of his eye. The doorway they'd been hurriedly fucking in had been an estate agents and illuminated in the window under 'to let' was:
1 BEDROOM FLAT ON KINGSLAND ROAD E8 2ND FLOOR FLAT SPACIOUS LOUNGE WITH WOODEN FLOORS ALL THROUGH OUT GCHEATED SEP KITCHEN FULLY FITTED, LARGE DOUBLE BEDROOM
SEP BATHROOM WITH SHOWER.
IDEAL LOCATION FOR TRANSPORT
10 MIN TO LIVERPOOL ST STATION
AVAILABLE 17TH OCT 2008.
'Vince, Littleman look at this.' He grabbed Vince and dragged him in the direction of the window. Vince had pulled out his phone and typed in the digits as fast as he could, faster than he had when Gary Numan had offered his home number.
'Come on small eyes,' Vince had pulled him back out of the doorway, wrapping his skinny arms around his waist as he had planted a kiss on the corner of his mouth.
'Howard they wont be open for hours we'll ring 'em first thing I promise, I'll even let you put the alarm on.' The smaller man batted his long lashes appealingly.
'Come on small eyes, come back to mine so I can have my wicked bumming way with you again.'
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'Dun da la dun.'
'Can I open my eyes now?' Howard questioned.
'No!' Bollo growled.
'Got to start beat again now.' The ape complained from behind the drum kit in the corner of the living room.
'What's going on Howard?' Lester piped up. The three of them, Howard, Naboo and Lester, were seated on the sofa; the Shaman and the Jazz Maverick with their eyes closed.
'Vince?'
'No Howard, you've ruined my entrance now I'll have to start again.' Vince's head popped out briefly from behind the shimmering gold lame curtain which was erected across the open door of Howard's bedroom.
'Get on with it yeah Vince.' Naboo fumed. Vince rolled his eyes and pointed in Bollo's direction the ape hastily began a drum roll, the electro poof ducking back behind the curtain once again.
'I present to you the new and improved mirror ball suit.' Mabel tugged the cord on the curtain and Vince suddenly sprung out his arms held high above his head, sucking in his breath waiting for a response.
'Precious Vince look…' But even Bollo lacked the corrected vocabulary to describe how the electro poof looked. Vince's eyes travelled from the expression of Bollo and Naboo resting expectantly on the one opinion that really mattered to him. Howard sat speechless. He hadn't failed to notice that Vince's pot belly had radically shrunk in the past month since Vince had been visiting his electro electrocise class three times a week and gone back on the dreaded GI diet. Howard didn't feel insecure, it had nothing to do with their relationship and everything to do with a moron at one of Vince's gigs who'd called out in the middle of his set 'whose the fat tranny…'.
However Vince wasn't just thin, he seemed to literally glow, the sequins on his now gold version of the old mirror ball suit catching the light making him shimmer; he was perfect. Howard swallowed hard and sheepishly dragged one of the small brightly coloured sofa cushions over his lap. Vince flashed a toothy grin.
'And now I present to you this weeks must have accessory, the Little front man!' There was a short pause and Kitten suddenly jumped out from Howard's bedroom clad in a smaller identical version of Vince's suit. Bollo, Naboo, Mabel and Lester all exploded into excited applauding. Howard grinned sheepishly watching as the pair worked some moves, feeling distinctly disturbed by the fact that his five year old nephew was quickly turning into a mini version of Vince and worried that the stiffy he was concealing under the cushion, that wasn't normal or right.
Everyone seemed to leave relatively quickly after Vince's unveiling; Lester was still on his nine o'clock curfew, Kitten had school in the morning and Bollo had, had a date with an Orang-utan he'd met online. The only people who'd been left in the flat were Vince, Howard and Naboo who'd passed out on the sofa while watching a repeat of Magpie Moments.
'Oww!' Howard cried as he walked straight into the foot of his own bed.
'Oh sorry.' Vince stifled a giggle, taking both hands he lead the older man carefully around one side of the bed.
'Right.' There was the sound of rustling and then bed springs squeaking.
'You can take it off now.' Vince informed him motioning towards the tie that was wrapped around Howard's head acting as a makeshift blind fold.
'Was that really necessary?' Howard mused as he tugged the tie off, the sentence dying in his throat as his mouth suddenly went dry. Vince was lying in the centre of his bed looking as if he'd just stepped out of A Clockwork Orange completely naked, the only thing he was wearing was thick black elaborate eye make-up over one eye and a bowler hat covering his crotch.
'I know it ain't the mirror ball suit, but Howard there's no-way I'm letting you get your sperms anywhere near that thing, its flippin art and it took me ages to make.'