Title: Not-Quite Dead Man Walking
Author: Moonfairyhime
Rating: K
Disclaimer: I don't own the lovely Winchester boys, Harry Potter, or Charmed.
Summary: So, Sam Winchester died. Except for the part where he totally didn't—they're telling him he's a whitelighter. Yeah, he's a little confused too. Another crack!fic by yours truly.
Feedback: Would be the bestest thing EVER!!!11
Author's Notes: I think I'm the Queen of Crack. I always come up with the oddest stuff EVER. A passing familiarity with the WB show Charmed maybe helpful, but if you aren't familiar, have no fear. There's a link to the info you need in the fic. No, I'm not joking. I started this right after All Hell Breaks Loose and I just now finished it, so obviously, there are spoilers in here for that episode but at this point and time, does anyone care?

And Sam died a terribly ironic death. How embarrassing was it to be literally stabbed in the back?

It was a terribly tragic day and many tears were shed (but only one by the King of Man Pain himself, Dean Winchester). Some were confused over the turn of events—how could Sam Bloody Winchester die? Even Stan, the yellow-eyed demon, bet that Sam would have lived until his usefulness ran out. Evidentially, it ran out faster than everyone thought it would.

Others were just completely shocked by the turn of events and couldn't help but relate their feelings as something one should feel if Voldemort killed Harry Potter. Or if someone in Hogwarts found out that Harry Potter was shagging Draco Malfoy—they felt that kind of shock.

No one was more confused and shocked by Sam's death than Sam though.

He had been expecting pearly gates with St. Peter standing on the outside and Jessica and his mother waiting on the other side.

Instead, he was looking at someone with striking blue eyes, black hair, and who Sam could see right through. Sam fought the instinctual reaction to find the nearest gun that was loaded with rock salt and shoot the apparition. The ghost smiled at Sam. "It's not your time, Sam Winchester."

"You mean you're going to send me back to Earth, alive and well?"

"Sort of."

"Sort of? Either you're dead or you not." Sam was very confused by this point and not quite sure where the plot was going with this. Cheer up, Sam, I don't know where it's going either.

"Well, you are dead. That can't be changed. But for your deeds on Earth, Sam, you are to become a whitelighter."

"A what lighter?"

"A whitelighter. Check out ht tp/ en. wikipedia. org/ wiki/ Whitelighter, minus the spaces, to learn about your new job. Please note that the author of this fic does not own Wikipedia and that any breaking of the fourth wall is done so with apologies."

Sam read the page and nodded. "Okay, so who is my charge?"

"Hold on a second," the almost not there guy said as he turned to face someone else, "I'll help my dad on his vision quest in a minute… I'm helping out the new guy."

If Sam were an anime character, he would have sweatdropped.

The other being turned back to Sam. "Sorry about that, Sam. Anyhow, your charge is your brother, Dean Winchester."

"I thought I was supposed to help new witches in their quest?"

"Oh, Dean's a real bitch, all right…"

Sam cocked his head. "Pardon?"

"Hmm? Oh, nothing! Anyhow, with as much evil as Dean fights, he might as well be a witch and have his own whitelighter. Now, be off. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to orb in an ask them!"

Sam timidly raised his hand. "How do I orb?"

Dean was just getting ready to drop the match on his brother's body when Sam quietly orbed in. He watched Dean for a second and then quietly snuck up behind him and went "Boo."

Sam figured that every prank that Dean ever pulled on him was worth it to see his big brother jump ten feet in the air.

Dean's reaction was natural. "SAMMY! What the hell is wrong with you?!" Dean paused and then noticed the two Sams and decided that he best sit down before he fell down. Sam sat down next to his brother and offered him a timid smile. Dean just stared. "Sam, it's not that I'm not happy to see you, but why are there two of you?"

And Sam launched into an explanation that made War and Peace look like See Spot Run. If nothing else though, Dean was at least assured that Sam was Sam and not some freaky zombie thing. Only the real Sam could be so disgustingly thorough. After Sam finished his explanation, Dean nodded once. He looked at Sam's body and then at Sam and grinned.

"So I can still light you on fire though, right?"

"…Yes, Dean."

Sam had the feeling that perhaps it would have been better for everyone if he had just stayed dead. And by "everyone", Sam meant his own sanity.

"So you're going to help me hunt things again?" Dean couldn't see a downside to the situation. His brother was alive, sort of, and improved with some new freaky shining that could help Dean do his job more efficiently.

"Sort of. I can help you hunt things down, but I can't help you actually kill them. Whitelighters are pacifists—we can only kill if the greater good is thrown completely off balance."

Dean got a sudden look into Sam's future if he would have stayed at Stanford and Dean grudgingly admitted, at least to himself, that Sam would have a made a good lawyer. He knew his rules and had an uncanny knack at remembering them, word for word. Also, there was nobody better than getting out of things than Sam—boy could find more loopholes to things than Dean wanted to think about. He promised Dean he'd be with him and there'd be no going back to school or leaving Dean's side. Sam died and he's still around. Dean had to admire Sam's tenacity, if nothing else. "Well, Sam, what's next? I killed the yellow-eyed demon to get revenge for you and everyone else he killed so I'm not quite sure what to do with the rest of my life."

Sam bit his tongue before the first retort could surface of 'you know, you could get a real life,' before he frowned, noticing a large cut on Dean's head. "Dean, let me heal that for you."

As Dean watched Sam heal his various cuts and bruises, Dean's only thought was 'Awesome. The boys are back in town.'