DISCLAIMER: Special thanks to my husband PCT for stretching out the joke of
the Ultimate Prank and making it even more facetious.
-------------------- Snips and Spirals Fanfic: "The Legend of The Box" Text by Lady Tesser and Prince-Consort Tesser --------------------
The December Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff was played over a vandalized pitch.
It seemed someone - in the middle of the night - had bleached out the grassy field with the words 'GRYFFIES QUIDDIES ARE PANSIES'.
This did not sit well with Professor Minerva McGonagall, nor did Headmaster Albus Dumbledore or Groundskeeper Argus Filch appreciate it.
And especially not by Slytherin House Master Gallo Penderdandis, who, at the moment, was trying to break a confession out of his two troublemakers: Second-Year Britomartis Vox and Fourth-Year Severus Snape.
"Again," Martis said firmly. "We did not do it."
Penderdandis politely tented his fingers. "And you expect me to believe the inflatable sheep did?"
"We had nothing to do with that, either!" Sev added.
"The prank's too juvenile for us," Martis stated.
"And wand-writing in the sky 'James Potter is a doe' is not?"
Sev flushed. "Um - "
Martis jumped in: "Did it destroy property? I think not! Only children and goits would think of something so stupid as to bleaching out a Quidditch pitch."
"I may remind you," Penderdandis warned. "That you are still children. And I may also remind you that the majority of the suspicion rests on the both of you, considering your histories with Gryffindor and your unsavory activities unrelated to school work."
"Unsavory?" Martis sniffed.
Sev crossed his arms, tossing his hair back and looked down his nose at their House Master, summoning up every ounce of arrogance he possessed as a Slytherin. "We never perform any unsavory acts - every prank was a work of art! Elegant and refined as befitting Slytherins."
"Right!" Martis agreed. "And the Truce between us and the Marauders is still in effect, so even if we stooped to that level, we still wouldn't have done it."
Penderdandis got up, leaning close to their faces. "For those reasons, I do hope it was not either of you." He crawled his way around the desk to their side, his face pinched by his pince-nez glasses. "And if I do find out it was either of you who bleached out the pitch, I will make sure both of you will regret the day you did it!"
Sev sneered. "Prove it."
"OUT!"
Both left his office, slamming the door behind them. Martis threw her arms around Sev and kissed his cheek. "Where did that come from?"
"What?" he asked.
"Challenging Penderdandis - he was about to burst a blood vessel!"
Sev shrugged. "Learned it watching Lucius."
Martis stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek again. "Well, better be careful how you apply that ... unlike Lucius, it's very sexy on you." She purred as she played with the ends of his hair.
He rolled his eyes and raspberried her, blushing furiously. "Knock it off. Come on, we need to work on - " He peered around, looking for eavesdroppers. "- IT!"
Together, they sang out, "Da-da-DUUM!"
She giggled. "Yes, almost done!" She pulled back, holding his hands and dancing with him into the common room. "Christmas is coming - we'll be all alone - the Ultimate Prank will be played - and Snips' birthday is coming up again!"
"Can we stand it?" Sev asked in a bored manner. "Stop that, I can't dance."
"Then you need to learn how," Martis replied. She looked around as she dug into her robes, pulling out a couple of Cornish Pixie Stix. "Everyone's still at the game. Shall we go see what vandalism we've been accused of?"
"I don't really care to," he answered, accepting a cherry Cornish Pixie Stik from her. "Winter holidays are coming up and we need to work on the Thing quickly."
"Right," she agreed, pouring the contents of an orange Pixie Stik in her mouth. The sugar dissolved in her mouth and she added, "Let's go."
-----------
The Conversation Room was no longer used for the creation of the Ultimate Prank, as the object in question was much larger than the crawlhole used by the two Slytherins. The object - a large wooden crate - was secured in an abandoned classroom on the third floor, where Martis and Sev were now located as they worked on the finishing touches.
"'It's simply a box, Mr. Potter'," Sev mimicked Sirius Black's voice.
Martis giggled and replied in James Potter's currently squeaky voice (which was changing at the time), "'What's a bloody box following us around for, Mr. Black?'"
Sev laughed and imitated Remus Lupin's voice, "'I'm Moony and I'm a tapioca- brained lump'."
Martis cracked up and poked her fingers out in front of her mouth like a pair of bucked teeth, "'I'm Peter Pettigrew and I still wet the bed - eeh eeh eeh eeh eeh eeh eeh eeh'!"
Both leaned against each other in laughter, wands in hands, unable to finish what they were writing on the crate.
"If they had heard this -!" Sev gasped.
"It would have been funnier!" Martis howled.
Wiping tears away, they giggled, going back to working on their writing.
Martis finished with a flourish, stepping back to look at her work. Sev completed his own work, also stepping back to look.
"It's beautiful," she breathed.
The wooden crate stood at six-by-six-by-six feet, covered up in wand- written warnings and epithets.
"We did it," Sev added in a whisper.
They turned to each other, hugging the other tightly. Sev lifted Martis up and twirled around, her legs kicking in the air as they laughed. He placed her back down and they smiled at each other as they gazed into the other's eyes.
The smile dimmed from her face and a puzzled expression replaced it.
"What?" Sev asked.
"Just an odd feeling ... a vision or something ... "She shook her head. "Come on, we need to set it up."
Sev lifted his wand, murmuring the incantation to start the prank on its way. Martis slipped her sunglasses back on, wondering where the vision came from ... of them as adults and her blasting Sev around the school grounds in holy rage.
She hoped it was merely A future and not THE future.
----------
As the Marauders went past a certain door, it opened and two rather-too- innocent-looking Slytherins walked out, odd smiles on their faces. Without speaking to the Marauders, they closed the door and put up a sign reading: 'No Chowder-Headed Microbe-Minded Smeg-for-Brains Bed-Wetting Nancy-Boy Marauders allowed in here. This means YOU! Nothing of any interest in here.'
As Sev and Martis walked away, the Marauders read the sign and promptly got annoyed.
"I think they're going to violate the Truce," Pettigrew said with firm conviction.
"Bloody brilliant, Wormtail," Potter said snidely. "Got any more insightful philosophical observations? Perhaps concerning the sky being blue?"
"Hush up," Black said, taking out his wand. "It's obvious they expect us to open this. They've practically sent us an engraved invitation."
Pettigrew nodded faux-sagely. "So if we ignore it, we won't set off their prank and they'll be foiled! Right?"
The other three Marauders made a noise of disgust at their comrade.
"Alohomora!" Black cried, and the door flew open.
As they walked in, the sign changed to read, 'YOU'LL BE SOOOOOREEEEE!!!'
Inside, the room was completely dark. Lupin took out his wand and said, "Lumos!"
Instead of his wand lighting up, a beam of light stabbed down from the ceiling to illuminate a huge ... BOX.
It was about six feet on all sides, blackish-gray, with odd suggestions of carvings in its sides. A close look gave the suggestions of vague, squamous, quasi-squid-like and pseudo-serpentine forms looming from the woodwork.
Potter adjusted his glasses and peered at the writing. "What the hell's this?"
The others came over and read the carved and burned-in words:
'Do not open Box.'
'Do not wave wands at Box in a threatening manner.'
'Do not wave wands at Box in a friendly manner.'
'Do not feed the Box after midnight.'
'Do not bleed on the Box.'
'Do not sit on the Box.'
'Do not abandon the Box.'
'Do not throw the Box in the lake.'
'The Box knows who's been naughty and who's been nice.'
'Do not taunt the Box.'
There were other things carved on it, but they were in languages that none of them could read.
Lupin and Potter looked at each other. "They've got to be kidding," Potter stated.
Lupin sniffed the air. "It's definitely laced with LOTS of magic. And I can also smell you-know-who on it."
"Snivellus and Vox," Pettigrew said.
Potter rubbed his temples. "We already knew that, Peter."
Pettigrew sniffed. "Well, it's obvious what they're doing, then, isn't it? We open this Box thingie, whatever's in there zarks us, and it's our fault, innit? We can't retaliate or complain to Dumbledore or nothin' because of all these warnings! We'll walk around with chicken heads or something for a month and everyone will say 'they brought it on themselves'!" He waved his hands at the other Marauders. "You blockheads become snot-monsters or whatever! I'm going to study hall!"
The hanger-on of the group stomped out of the room.
"The most verbose I ever heard him," Black admitted.
Lupin sighed. "I hate to admit it, but Wormtail's got a point."
"I know, Moony," Potter said. "But it goes against the grain to leave a challenge unanswered. We're Gryffindors, for Pete's sake!"
"Precisely, Prongs," Black said. "That's what they're doing - making our courage our weak point. But we have the courage to walk away."
Potter hesitated, but reluctantly nodded. "You have a point, Padfoot. I hate it, but you're right."
As they walked away, something woke up.
----------
James Potter awoke the next morning, rubbing his eyes and reaching out of the bed curtains to get his glasses. "Damn cold," he mumbled as he quickly pulled his glasses back in and rubbed them between the blankets to warm up the cold metal.
The glasses still half-cold when he put them on, he opened the curtain, the cold air rushing in and making him break out in goose bumps. Stretching, his eyes failed to register a large crate sitting in the middle of the floor of the room he shared with the other Marauders.
He got up and shoved his feet into slippers then slipped his robe on, stumbling toward the door. He stubbed his toe against the crate. "Damn box!"
He had already left the room as a music sting announced: "Dun-dun-dum!"
When he returned, slightly more awake, he gazed at the crate. "Oh, bloody hell! Guys! Wake up!" He picked up a book and banged it against the posts of the other beds. "Wake up! We've got a situation!"
Sirius Black poked his headful of tangled black hair out from between his bed curtains. "It's not time yet, Prongs, go back t' sleep!" He disappeared again.
"No way!" Potter answered, pulling the curtains aside in their beds. "Come on, up, Moony! Peter, look at this!"
Peter Pettigrew rolled over and covered his head with his blanket, allowing his pale feet to poke out from under the covers. Remus Lupin sat up and rubbed his face, pushing his shaggy ginger-colored hair out of his eyes.
"What's going on, James?" Lupin yawned. He stretched and opened one eye. "And what's that thing doing in here?"
"That's what I'd like to know," Potter retorted.
Black suddenly poked his head out again. "Hey, how the [CENSORED] did it get past the Fat Whale?"
Lupin scowled; he actually liked the Fat Lady, the guardian of Gryffindor House. "We'll have to ask the Lady." Images of some beast springing out to eat them in the middle of the night flooded his mind, but he did not share the worry with the others. "Meanwhile, we'll have to keep it in here until we can figure out what to do with it."
"Good idea, Moony," Potter agreed.
----------
The Fat Lady had no idea how anything could get past her. She said the hallways were quiet the entire night and no one had approached her to get in. And once the Marauders thought about it, there was no way the Box could have fit through the round entryway behind her portrait.
"Bloody hell," Potter said as the Marauders made their way to the Great Hall for breakfast. "This is bad."
"It's only Snots and Spitballs," Black casually reminded him. "What's the worse they can do with a box and a bunch of warnings? There's probably nothing in it."
"But there might be something in it," Pettigrew whined. "I swear I heard it growling!"
"Sure it wasn't your gut, Wormtail?" Potter chuckled.
"Ha-ha," Pettigrew replied. "I know what I heard."
The four entered the Great Hall, glancing toward Slytherin's tables to see Martis facing them and Sev with his back in their direction.
"Stupid sunglass-wearing freak," Black muttered. "At least she could have the decency to show a smirk."
Lupin continued to gaze, giving an uneasy smile toward Martis before sitting down with the rest of the Marauders. "She knows."
Black yawned. "We'll hack it up after classes and send the remains back to them. They have to do much better than this. Pass the orange juice, Prongs."
On the other side of the room, Martis giggled. "Porky-grew looks like he's about to wet himself."
"What about the others?" Sev asked.
"Loopy just gave a worried smile. Potty is hunched over. Sillyass looks like he thinks he figured out our prank."
Sev snorted. "Ha. Probably thinks it's only a box. He'll never learn."
"Very likely not." Martis bit her lip, grinning. "This is going to be bloody brilliant."
"Patience," Sev advised. "Patience, my Spirals. The beauty of this prank is the unfolding process."
"I know," she whispered. "It's exciting, isn't it?"
He nodded, his cheeks flushing pink. "Very much so."
She reached across the table and squeezed his hand. "Let the games begin."
----------
The morning went by quietly for the first half ... at least until Peter Pettigrew ran down the corridor between classes, screaming, as a large wooden crate (which quickly became known as the Box) tumbled end over end after him.
He dodged around a corner and panted, waiting for the Box to go past. When it did not, and he heard nothing, he peeked out and looked around.
No Box. Anywhere.
Chuckling and patting himself on the back, Pettigrew stepped out - only to jump as a loud 'thunk' sounded from behind him. Looking over his shoulder, he saw the BOX looming over him.
"AAAAARRGGHHHH!!!" he screamed and dashed away, the Box chasing him into the disused girl's lavatory. He stayed there for an hour and missed a class as Moaning Myrtle heckled him for being afraid of a Box.
----------
A solid 'thunk!' made everyone jump with a start in Defense Against the Dark Arts class.
James Potter and Remus Lupin turned around ... and screamed.
It was the Box, sitting quietly as it blocked the doors out of the classroom. Professor McElwain cleared his throat and looked over his glasses at the two who screamed. "Mind explaining this, Messrs Potter and Lupin?"
The two boys stammered, everyone's attention on them, and the Box vanished.
----------
Sirius Black, currently being fawned over by several female classmates in Professor Penderdandis' Arithmancy course, began cussing up a storm when the Box deposited itself in front of him. The warning facing him was: 'The Box knows who's been naughty and who's been nice.'
He leapt out of his seat (knocking away a few Hufflepuff and Gryffindor girls) and yelled, "I'M GOING TO GET YOU, SNAKE-BITCH!"
Professor Penderdandis, the House Master of Slytherin House to which 'Snake- Bitch' belonged, gave him detention and the loss of two points from Gryffindor for his outburst.
----------
By the time lunch came around, the Marauders were being chased down the halls by the Box, looking like something out of a low-budget fantasy-action movie or cartoon.
"THIS IS HUMILIATING!" Potter cried.
"I DON'T WANNA DIE BY A CLICHE!" Lupin shrieked.
"WAAAAHH!" Pettigrew added.
"RUN, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!" Black yelled. "RUN!"
All four dove into the Great Hall, hiding behind the doors as the Box rolled by. They looked up and glared at Martis and Sev, who were busy having lunch together and sharing a book.
"The Truce is broken!" Black announced to the room at large, pointing at the duo of Snips and Spirals. "They sent a damned Box after us -!"
Penderdandis and McGonagall got up and made their way down the rows to the Marauders. McGonagall's pale face was now white with anger, showing the blue veins beneath her skin.
"Professor Penderdandis explained to me that you were warned." She pulled a sheet of parchment out of her sleeve with the same inflammatory warning written on it as they found it on the door of the third-floor classroom. "This is the warning that was posted, was it not?"
The four boys nodded, looking at the ground.
"And the Box itself is covered with warnings, is it not?"
They nodded again.
Penderdandis snorted, folding his arms. "Seeing as how you directly ignored a warning for your benefit, you have to live with it."
"I TOLD you!" Pettigrew whined toward the other three.
A snarl from Black shut him up.
McGonagall's thin lips pressed together. "If there is any reason to believe you will be hurt, this will be stopped. However, seeing as this Box is merely only chasing you around school ... "
"But - " Potter began.
"You will have to think your own way out of this." Her lips curled into a too-polite smile. "Don't disappoint me or the House."
She turned on her heel and went back to her seat. Penderdandis smirked and bowed his head cordially.
The Marauders found their seats and glumly sat down, wondering what to do with a sentient Box that seemed to know where they were and delighted in chasing them down.
----------
During Slytherin Quidditch practice, Remus Lupin (currently not being chased by the Box) managed to flag Britomartis Vox down while on a break.
"I give up, Miss Brit - Miss Vox," he admitted. "James and Sirius are planning on trying to dupe your Box - "
Martis waved her hand dismissively and sat down on the edge on the pitch. "Lupin, you're an okay bloke, as I said before, but if you're gonna ally yourself with a group, you have to take their punishment along with them."
Remus Lupin hesitantly sat next to her, her scent filling up his nose. Gods, that scent was wonderful - olive oil and spicy perfume, and being wiff from Quidditch practice even though it was freezing. And the scents she emitted during this phase in her Moon Cycles were maddening. The vague notion of dragging her to the ground came over him again, but he controlled the urge and hoped it did not show. "I'm not strong like that. Not like you."
She made an unladylike sound. "Strength. Comes in all flavors, Lupin. Once you find yours, you'll be a force to be reckoned with." She lowered her sunglasses, gazing at him with moss green eyes. "Of course, I may be obligated to make you a part of my harem."
He blushed up to and beyond his hairline. Any more talk like this and he felt he could figure out those vague notions of what to do when he had her on the ground. "I may not survive, so I'll pass."
She made a face at him. "Go one and play with your boyfriends, then, and have fun with the Box." She gave an evil grin. "While you last." She got up with a mad cackle, suitable for a hag.
Lupin wondered how such a delicious girl ended up with such a personality. And wondered how Snape was able to keep up with her. He also wondered if being part of her harem included having her incredibly long, gorgeous, fragrant ash blonde hair cover him like a golden cloud as she bent over him...
The rest of his housemates wondered why, when Lupin returned, he was slapping himself in the face and cursing.
----------
By the next evening, dinner was enjoyed by everyone except the Marauders. The Box sat on the table before them as they nervously picked at their food and glanced up at it. None of them said it, but they could feel it staring at them.
Lily Evans finally slammed down her utensils and stood up in a huff. "Oh, for heaven's sake! Just sit there like good little whimpering boys! I'll open it!"
She stepped up on the bench and grabbed the lid in a firm grip. But as she lifted it, it began screaming in a little girl's voice, "RAPE! HELP! MOLESTER! WAAH! I'LL BE A GOOD LITTLE BOX - JUST DON'T RAPE ME!"
Lily had to go to the hospital wing for some sedatives after that. No one else even tried to touch the Box.
-------
The Marauders returned to their room that evening, not even flinching when they opened their door and found the Box in the middle of the chamber. They plopped down on their beds and stared at their big square nemesis.
"It didn't scream when we touched the Box," Lupin observed.
They allowed the music sting: "Dun-dun-dum!"
"Only when Evans did," Black sighed as he folded his hands behind his head. "And probably any one else who'd be stupid enough to try."
"Why'd it have to be Lovely Lily??" Potter cried.
"It could have been one of us," Pettigrew supplied.
Lupin hit him with a pillow. "No it couldn't. Potter and I both touched it. So, this means we could probably open it. Who's going to do it?"
"Not me!" Pettigrew yelped, diving under his blankets.
"Bloody coward," Potter muttered.
"Damn right!"
"I'm not touching it," Lupin added.
"Me, neither," Black seconded.
Potter paced around the Box. "Damned ... Thing! This is her revenge against me for not being part of her harem!"
"She offered you WHAT?!" Lupin yelped as he nearly fell off his bed.
"Get over it, Prongs," Black growled. "You too, Moony. We have to figure out this ... Thing first." Black got up and began pacing. "All right, all right. Now, what do we know about those two that would tie into this thing?"
"They like chipping away at our sanity," Potter pointed out.
"Right, and that's what this is." Black folded his arms. "Now, how can we get a couple of axes from Filch?"
----------
The screams filled Gryffindor Tower, making Minerva McGonagall jump out of bed and run down the stairs in her nightgown. Knocking on the door to the room of the Fourth-Year boys calling themselves the Marauders, she pushed the door open to see all four on them on the Box and attacking it with axes.
The screams were of frustration, due to the fact that the Box repaired itself so quickly that no damage could be seen, despite the growing pile of splinters and wood chips.
"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" she said in her 'Wrath-of-God' voice, which caused the windows to rattle.
The boys looked up from their carnage and quickly became embarrassed.
"It attacked us first!" Black exclaimed. "We were defending ourselves!"
"I'm quite sure you keep axes under your beds for just such occasions," their House Mistress stated. "After all, one never knows when one will be assaulted by a packing crate. Now, shall I have your House Father Professor Kettleburn tuck you in for the night?"
"No, ma'am," Potter said. "Really ... "
"Then I suggest you give those axes back to Mr. Filch. And don't make Gryffindor look bad this time." Her lips set into a straight line. "Good night."
She left the room, making sure to close the door behind her before her face broke into a large grin. She hated to admit it, but this particular prank was brilliant - even she was anticipating the result of this work. It was a pity Vox was not sorted into her House - she would hate to give Slytherin twenty points for creating such a brilliant magical artifact...
----------
Two days later, completely sleep-deprived, Remus Lupin threw himself at Britomartis Vox's feet in the middle of a corridor. "PLEASE! Tell us how to get rid of it! It won't leave us alone! It stalks us in classes, in the bathrooms, the Great Hall, the SHOWERS! PLEASE! I'll be part of your harem and do anything you want me to do!"
"Eww! Let go of my leg, freak!" Martis shook him off and continued on to class.
Lupin got up and followed her. "Please, Miss Britomartis! I beg you! How do we get rid of it?!"
She paused and turned to him, her long hair sweeping around her body. "You really want to know?" She grinned.
"Yes!"
"Come closer," she said. He leaned in closer, becoming overwhelmed by her scent. "Closer," she whispered. He converged in, feeling the warmth radiating from her exposed skin. "Closer," she breathed huskily.
Lupin was now pressed against her body, his ear nearly to her lips, and praying to every God he had heard of to stop the agony. If he ever slept again, he knew this was going to produce some interesting dreams. "What do I have to do?" he asked softly.
She whispered, "You have to..."
"Yes??"
And at the top of her lungs she shouted, " - OPEN THE BOX!"
Her proclamation was followed by a "Dun-dun-DUM!" music sting, which made everyone in the hall nearly jump out of their skins.
Lupin pulled away and rubbed his ear. "You delight in torturing us."
"Absolutely," she answered. "Good to know the music sting works, too." She patted the top of his shaggy ginger hair. "Toodles, Loopy."
----------
James Potter and Sirius Black's attempt at ganging up on Severus Snape in Potions class failed because Professor Sartoris had been on the lookout. He then - right in the middle of class - began a rant toward the four Marauders.
"Nimrods!" Sartoris ranted. "Idiots! Poor excuses of amoebic dysentery! You have the perfect excuse to analyze and define a newly created magical artifact - and all you do is whine and bully the student that created it! What sort of chum are you to not be able to figure out an artifact made by - of all things - the best Potions student in your year and a Second-Year Quidditch Beater??" He turned to Sev. "No offense to you or Miss Vox, Master Snape."
"None taken," Sev answered as he continued to work out formulae in his notebook.
Sartoris turned back to the Marauders and their Box. "You're going to be adult Wizards soon! You can start contributing to society by figuring out this Box!"
The music sting sang out: "Dun-dun-DUM!"
Everyone looked at Sev and he blushed, while Artemisia Vox gave him the Thumbs' Up and a grin.
Sartoris, having finally said his piece, smiled in his grandfatherly way and continued with his lecture on stone-use in Potions.
----------
The Marauders had no idea how many days they had been awake. The Box sat in their dorm room as they sat on their bed and stared at it.
"I'm going to cut all her hair off," Potter muttered. "Then I'm going to stuff it down his throat."
Lupin yawned. "If we open ... It, maybe we can stuff them into it."
"But there might be a flesh-eating monster in there," Pettigrew whined. "Maybe even Lethifolds - they would eat us without a trace and not leave any evidence."
"I know what's in there," Black said darkly. "It's Father Christmas. He formed an alliance with those two in revenge for all those traps we set out around Christmas."
"Who?" Potter asked.
"Father Christmas!" Black picked up his pillow and banged it into both of the bedposts closest to him. "Father Christmas is in the Box!"
"Dun-dun-DUM!"
Black glared at it. "It knows when we've been naughty and nice and it follows us everywhere! Father Christmas is in there - it's not enough I keep getting tons of coal every year! Now he has to stalk me!"
"You're lucky you get coal," Pettigrew groused. "I get stockings full of spiders."
"It's revenge for all those traps my family's been setting out for him," Black insisted.
"If he's really in there, we're in trouble then."
"Will you two cut that out?!" Lupin cried. "There is no Father Christmas in there!"
"We HAVE to open it up," Potter stated. "Or we'll never get any sleep again."
"I'm not opening it!" Pettigrew reminded them.
"What?" Lupin asked. "Afraid of a fate worse than death?"
"No, just death, that's quite enough."
"Why don't we all open it?" Potter suggested.
----------
The Marauders used James Potter's invisible cloak and snuck out of Gryffindor Tower. They paused by the Quidditch pitch, seeing the inflatable sheep defacing it in grotesque ways, leaving pictures bleached into the dead grass.
"So it really was the inflatable sheep," Black observed.
"No one will believe us," Potter reminded him.
"If we survive this, we have to hunt it down for slander."
"No," Lupin interrupted. "That's 'libel' - it was written out."
"Slander," Black argued. "It goes beyond the written word."
"Will you two cut that out?" Potter snapped. "I can hear that Thing tumbling after us."
"We're invisible!" Pettigrew objected. "How could it find us?"
"It's 'magical'," Black replied in disgust.
"Mys-steer-ee-us," Potter chuckled, wiggling his fingers.
"Keep up your side of the cloak, Prongs," Lupin muttered.
The group ran out to the moors and as far away from the castle as possible, but within line-of-sight running distance to make sure they could escape back to the safety of the school.
The Box 'thunked' down in front of them and they stared at it. Despite the freezing wind and thin layer of frost on the ground, they sweated profusely.
"All right," Potter said. "Wormtail, Moony - you guys start digging the trench. Padfoot and I are going to make the pole."
Within a few hours, the Marauders had built up a dirt bank and trench to hide in and constructed a thirty-foot pole with which to open the lid. Pettigrew had acquired steel helmets from somewhere, and they all wore them. Sitting in their defensive position, they pushed the pole out toward the Box.
The nearly new moon allowed starlight to provide enough light for them to see the tip of the pole push the lid up. With a creak, the lid lifted up on rusty hinges and fell back, banging against the back of the Box.
A heavenly choir sang out, "La-a-a-a-a-a!"
Then silence.
The four boys sat silently, waiting for something to happen.
"I don't hear anything," Lupin whispered.
"Sounds like snoring," Pettigrew muttered.
"That's Hagrid," Potter answered. "What now?"
"Someone has to look inside," Black supplied. "Prongs - it was good knowing you."
"You [CENSORED] git!" Potter retorted calmly. "You're the one who hates them the most, you do it!"
"The General can't sacrifice himself in battle - acceptable casualties are from the lower ranks. All good aristocrats know that."
"I'll give you a nice eulogy, James," Lupin added.
"Can I have your broom?" Pettigrew asked.
"Why am I the [CENSORED] sacrifice??" Potter shrieked.
"I don't know!" Pettigrew shouted back. "There's just something about you! Every time I look at you I think 'he needs to be sacrificed'! Now get to it!"
Potter had an idea. "Why don't we all go?"
Black immediately responded, "Because you'll need awestruck and heartbroken witnesses who can record your final moments for a disbelieving posterity." He nudged his friend. "Now stop this bellyaching and go!"
Potter got up, inhaling deeply to calm himself as he carefully picked his way toward the Box. Behind him, he could hear them discussing how they were going to arrange the 'James Potter Memorial', with Pettigrew asking, "Sure there'll be enough of him to bury?"
Although the thought of Lily Evans mourning for him and dying a spinster just to be with him in the afterlife cheered him. (The fact she considered him a 'pest' on his best days did not deter this fantasy.)
Back with the rest of the cowards - er, boys - they watched as Potter crept up to the Box, his shoulders hunched and his legs bent, ready to bolt. He listened carefully; pressing his ear to the Box, then finally gripped some of the outré carvings and scrambled up the side.
"What you see?" Black called in a loud whisper.
"It's dark," Potter's voice answered. He hitched himself over the edge and dropped into the Box.
It seemed an eternity as the others waited.
Then James Potter screamed.
"MY GOD!" Pettigrew cried. "IT'S EATING HIM!"
He got up and turned his feet toward the castle while Black and Lupin jumped over the embankment toward the Box to rescue their friend. A second later, not wanting to look bad, Pettigrew ran toward the Box as well.
Potter appeared over an edge, his face livid and his teeth bared in a snarl.
"OH NO!" Pettigrew shouted again. "IT'S POSSESSING HIM!"
"Prongs!" Lupin yelled. "You all right?"
"No!" Potter barked. "I am NOT all right! Look at what we lost four nights of sleep and our sanity over!"
He snapped his hand outward; in his grip, he held a handwritten parchment that simply said:
'Boo.'
Lupin's face broke into a grin while Black smirked, then both fell against each other in laughter. Eventually Potter giggled as well as he hung onto the side of the Box. Pettigrew simply stood in confusion, wondering what was so damn funny about a note saying 'Boo'.
----------
After finally getting their first night of rest in days, the Marauders entered the Great Hall in solemn processional and approached the Slytherin tables where Martis and Sev were seated. Both students and teachers noted the absence of the Box.
Britomartis Vox and Severus Snape looked up expectantly; as one, the Marauders formally bowed to them.
"You have outdone us," Sirius Black stated with humility. "And it makes my stomach ache."
Remus Lupin elbowed him, smiling apologetically to Martis, and the Marauders shuffled away to their seats.
"What was in the Box, anyway?" Evan Ryper asked.
"None of anyone's business," Martis answered.
"Just between us and the Mangled Menagerie," Sev added.
----------
No one ever found out what the Marauders encountered that night when they opened the Box that last day before Holiday Break. Rumors abounded, but the two parties concerned would not reveal the truth.
Caretaker Argus Filch confiscated the Box and locked it away in a vault in his office, declaring it a dangerous artifact. Even though many of the teachers demanded to study it, he made sure to keep it under lock-and-key per Headmaster Dumbledore's orders.
And even though he will deny it, Filch thought it was one of the most brilliant pranks he had ever heard of. The 'Snips and Spirals' files were DEFINITELY going to be put under severely classified status.
-End-
-------------------- Snips and Spirals Fanfic: "The Legend of The Box" Text by Lady Tesser and Prince-Consort Tesser --------------------
The December Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff was played over a vandalized pitch.
It seemed someone - in the middle of the night - had bleached out the grassy field with the words 'GRYFFIES QUIDDIES ARE PANSIES'.
This did not sit well with Professor Minerva McGonagall, nor did Headmaster Albus Dumbledore or Groundskeeper Argus Filch appreciate it.
And especially not by Slytherin House Master Gallo Penderdandis, who, at the moment, was trying to break a confession out of his two troublemakers: Second-Year Britomartis Vox and Fourth-Year Severus Snape.
"Again," Martis said firmly. "We did not do it."
Penderdandis politely tented his fingers. "And you expect me to believe the inflatable sheep did?"
"We had nothing to do with that, either!" Sev added.
"The prank's too juvenile for us," Martis stated.
"And wand-writing in the sky 'James Potter is a doe' is not?"
Sev flushed. "Um - "
Martis jumped in: "Did it destroy property? I think not! Only children and goits would think of something so stupid as to bleaching out a Quidditch pitch."
"I may remind you," Penderdandis warned. "That you are still children. And I may also remind you that the majority of the suspicion rests on the both of you, considering your histories with Gryffindor and your unsavory activities unrelated to school work."
"Unsavory?" Martis sniffed.
Sev crossed his arms, tossing his hair back and looked down his nose at their House Master, summoning up every ounce of arrogance he possessed as a Slytherin. "We never perform any unsavory acts - every prank was a work of art! Elegant and refined as befitting Slytherins."
"Right!" Martis agreed. "And the Truce between us and the Marauders is still in effect, so even if we stooped to that level, we still wouldn't have done it."
Penderdandis got up, leaning close to their faces. "For those reasons, I do hope it was not either of you." He crawled his way around the desk to their side, his face pinched by his pince-nez glasses. "And if I do find out it was either of you who bleached out the pitch, I will make sure both of you will regret the day you did it!"
Sev sneered. "Prove it."
"OUT!"
Both left his office, slamming the door behind them. Martis threw her arms around Sev and kissed his cheek. "Where did that come from?"
"What?" he asked.
"Challenging Penderdandis - he was about to burst a blood vessel!"
Sev shrugged. "Learned it watching Lucius."
Martis stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek again. "Well, better be careful how you apply that ... unlike Lucius, it's very sexy on you." She purred as she played with the ends of his hair.
He rolled his eyes and raspberried her, blushing furiously. "Knock it off. Come on, we need to work on - " He peered around, looking for eavesdroppers. "- IT!"
Together, they sang out, "Da-da-DUUM!"
She giggled. "Yes, almost done!" She pulled back, holding his hands and dancing with him into the common room. "Christmas is coming - we'll be all alone - the Ultimate Prank will be played - and Snips' birthday is coming up again!"
"Can we stand it?" Sev asked in a bored manner. "Stop that, I can't dance."
"Then you need to learn how," Martis replied. She looked around as she dug into her robes, pulling out a couple of Cornish Pixie Stix. "Everyone's still at the game. Shall we go see what vandalism we've been accused of?"
"I don't really care to," he answered, accepting a cherry Cornish Pixie Stik from her. "Winter holidays are coming up and we need to work on the Thing quickly."
"Right," she agreed, pouring the contents of an orange Pixie Stik in her mouth. The sugar dissolved in her mouth and she added, "Let's go."
-----------
The Conversation Room was no longer used for the creation of the Ultimate Prank, as the object in question was much larger than the crawlhole used by the two Slytherins. The object - a large wooden crate - was secured in an abandoned classroom on the third floor, where Martis and Sev were now located as they worked on the finishing touches.
"'It's simply a box, Mr. Potter'," Sev mimicked Sirius Black's voice.
Martis giggled and replied in James Potter's currently squeaky voice (which was changing at the time), "'What's a bloody box following us around for, Mr. Black?'"
Sev laughed and imitated Remus Lupin's voice, "'I'm Moony and I'm a tapioca- brained lump'."
Martis cracked up and poked her fingers out in front of her mouth like a pair of bucked teeth, "'I'm Peter Pettigrew and I still wet the bed - eeh eeh eeh eeh eeh eeh eeh eeh'!"
Both leaned against each other in laughter, wands in hands, unable to finish what they were writing on the crate.
"If they had heard this -!" Sev gasped.
"It would have been funnier!" Martis howled.
Wiping tears away, they giggled, going back to working on their writing.
Martis finished with a flourish, stepping back to look at her work. Sev completed his own work, also stepping back to look.
"It's beautiful," she breathed.
The wooden crate stood at six-by-six-by-six feet, covered up in wand- written warnings and epithets.
"We did it," Sev added in a whisper.
They turned to each other, hugging the other tightly. Sev lifted Martis up and twirled around, her legs kicking in the air as they laughed. He placed her back down and they smiled at each other as they gazed into the other's eyes.
The smile dimmed from her face and a puzzled expression replaced it.
"What?" Sev asked.
"Just an odd feeling ... a vision or something ... "She shook her head. "Come on, we need to set it up."
Sev lifted his wand, murmuring the incantation to start the prank on its way. Martis slipped her sunglasses back on, wondering where the vision came from ... of them as adults and her blasting Sev around the school grounds in holy rage.
She hoped it was merely A future and not THE future.
----------
As the Marauders went past a certain door, it opened and two rather-too- innocent-looking Slytherins walked out, odd smiles on their faces. Without speaking to the Marauders, they closed the door and put up a sign reading: 'No Chowder-Headed Microbe-Minded Smeg-for-Brains Bed-Wetting Nancy-Boy Marauders allowed in here. This means YOU! Nothing of any interest in here.'
As Sev and Martis walked away, the Marauders read the sign and promptly got annoyed.
"I think they're going to violate the Truce," Pettigrew said with firm conviction.
"Bloody brilliant, Wormtail," Potter said snidely. "Got any more insightful philosophical observations? Perhaps concerning the sky being blue?"
"Hush up," Black said, taking out his wand. "It's obvious they expect us to open this. They've practically sent us an engraved invitation."
Pettigrew nodded faux-sagely. "So if we ignore it, we won't set off their prank and they'll be foiled! Right?"
The other three Marauders made a noise of disgust at their comrade.
"Alohomora!" Black cried, and the door flew open.
As they walked in, the sign changed to read, 'YOU'LL BE SOOOOOREEEEE!!!'
Inside, the room was completely dark. Lupin took out his wand and said, "Lumos!"
Instead of his wand lighting up, a beam of light stabbed down from the ceiling to illuminate a huge ... BOX.
It was about six feet on all sides, blackish-gray, with odd suggestions of carvings in its sides. A close look gave the suggestions of vague, squamous, quasi-squid-like and pseudo-serpentine forms looming from the woodwork.
Potter adjusted his glasses and peered at the writing. "What the hell's this?"
The others came over and read the carved and burned-in words:
'Do not open Box.'
'Do not wave wands at Box in a threatening manner.'
'Do not wave wands at Box in a friendly manner.'
'Do not feed the Box after midnight.'
'Do not bleed on the Box.'
'Do not sit on the Box.'
'Do not abandon the Box.'
'Do not throw the Box in the lake.'
'The Box knows who's been naughty and who's been nice.'
'Do not taunt the Box.'
There were other things carved on it, but they were in languages that none of them could read.
Lupin and Potter looked at each other. "They've got to be kidding," Potter stated.
Lupin sniffed the air. "It's definitely laced with LOTS of magic. And I can also smell you-know-who on it."
"Snivellus and Vox," Pettigrew said.
Potter rubbed his temples. "We already knew that, Peter."
Pettigrew sniffed. "Well, it's obvious what they're doing, then, isn't it? We open this Box thingie, whatever's in there zarks us, and it's our fault, innit? We can't retaliate or complain to Dumbledore or nothin' because of all these warnings! We'll walk around with chicken heads or something for a month and everyone will say 'they brought it on themselves'!" He waved his hands at the other Marauders. "You blockheads become snot-monsters or whatever! I'm going to study hall!"
The hanger-on of the group stomped out of the room.
"The most verbose I ever heard him," Black admitted.
Lupin sighed. "I hate to admit it, but Wormtail's got a point."
"I know, Moony," Potter said. "But it goes against the grain to leave a challenge unanswered. We're Gryffindors, for Pete's sake!"
"Precisely, Prongs," Black said. "That's what they're doing - making our courage our weak point. But we have the courage to walk away."
Potter hesitated, but reluctantly nodded. "You have a point, Padfoot. I hate it, but you're right."
As they walked away, something woke up.
----------
James Potter awoke the next morning, rubbing his eyes and reaching out of the bed curtains to get his glasses. "Damn cold," he mumbled as he quickly pulled his glasses back in and rubbed them between the blankets to warm up the cold metal.
The glasses still half-cold when he put them on, he opened the curtain, the cold air rushing in and making him break out in goose bumps. Stretching, his eyes failed to register a large crate sitting in the middle of the floor of the room he shared with the other Marauders.
He got up and shoved his feet into slippers then slipped his robe on, stumbling toward the door. He stubbed his toe against the crate. "Damn box!"
He had already left the room as a music sting announced: "Dun-dun-dum!"
When he returned, slightly more awake, he gazed at the crate. "Oh, bloody hell! Guys! Wake up!" He picked up a book and banged it against the posts of the other beds. "Wake up! We've got a situation!"
Sirius Black poked his headful of tangled black hair out from between his bed curtains. "It's not time yet, Prongs, go back t' sleep!" He disappeared again.
"No way!" Potter answered, pulling the curtains aside in their beds. "Come on, up, Moony! Peter, look at this!"
Peter Pettigrew rolled over and covered his head with his blanket, allowing his pale feet to poke out from under the covers. Remus Lupin sat up and rubbed his face, pushing his shaggy ginger-colored hair out of his eyes.
"What's going on, James?" Lupin yawned. He stretched and opened one eye. "And what's that thing doing in here?"
"That's what I'd like to know," Potter retorted.
Black suddenly poked his head out again. "Hey, how the [CENSORED] did it get past the Fat Whale?"
Lupin scowled; he actually liked the Fat Lady, the guardian of Gryffindor House. "We'll have to ask the Lady." Images of some beast springing out to eat them in the middle of the night flooded his mind, but he did not share the worry with the others. "Meanwhile, we'll have to keep it in here until we can figure out what to do with it."
"Good idea, Moony," Potter agreed.
----------
The Fat Lady had no idea how anything could get past her. She said the hallways were quiet the entire night and no one had approached her to get in. And once the Marauders thought about it, there was no way the Box could have fit through the round entryway behind her portrait.
"Bloody hell," Potter said as the Marauders made their way to the Great Hall for breakfast. "This is bad."
"It's only Snots and Spitballs," Black casually reminded him. "What's the worse they can do with a box and a bunch of warnings? There's probably nothing in it."
"But there might be something in it," Pettigrew whined. "I swear I heard it growling!"
"Sure it wasn't your gut, Wormtail?" Potter chuckled.
"Ha-ha," Pettigrew replied. "I know what I heard."
The four entered the Great Hall, glancing toward Slytherin's tables to see Martis facing them and Sev with his back in their direction.
"Stupid sunglass-wearing freak," Black muttered. "At least she could have the decency to show a smirk."
Lupin continued to gaze, giving an uneasy smile toward Martis before sitting down with the rest of the Marauders. "She knows."
Black yawned. "We'll hack it up after classes and send the remains back to them. They have to do much better than this. Pass the orange juice, Prongs."
On the other side of the room, Martis giggled. "Porky-grew looks like he's about to wet himself."
"What about the others?" Sev asked.
"Loopy just gave a worried smile. Potty is hunched over. Sillyass looks like he thinks he figured out our prank."
Sev snorted. "Ha. Probably thinks it's only a box. He'll never learn."
"Very likely not." Martis bit her lip, grinning. "This is going to be bloody brilliant."
"Patience," Sev advised. "Patience, my Spirals. The beauty of this prank is the unfolding process."
"I know," she whispered. "It's exciting, isn't it?"
He nodded, his cheeks flushing pink. "Very much so."
She reached across the table and squeezed his hand. "Let the games begin."
----------
The morning went by quietly for the first half ... at least until Peter Pettigrew ran down the corridor between classes, screaming, as a large wooden crate (which quickly became known as the Box) tumbled end over end after him.
He dodged around a corner and panted, waiting for the Box to go past. When it did not, and he heard nothing, he peeked out and looked around.
No Box. Anywhere.
Chuckling and patting himself on the back, Pettigrew stepped out - only to jump as a loud 'thunk' sounded from behind him. Looking over his shoulder, he saw the BOX looming over him.
"AAAAARRGGHHHH!!!" he screamed and dashed away, the Box chasing him into the disused girl's lavatory. He stayed there for an hour and missed a class as Moaning Myrtle heckled him for being afraid of a Box.
----------
A solid 'thunk!' made everyone jump with a start in Defense Against the Dark Arts class.
James Potter and Remus Lupin turned around ... and screamed.
It was the Box, sitting quietly as it blocked the doors out of the classroom. Professor McElwain cleared his throat and looked over his glasses at the two who screamed. "Mind explaining this, Messrs Potter and Lupin?"
The two boys stammered, everyone's attention on them, and the Box vanished.
----------
Sirius Black, currently being fawned over by several female classmates in Professor Penderdandis' Arithmancy course, began cussing up a storm when the Box deposited itself in front of him. The warning facing him was: 'The Box knows who's been naughty and who's been nice.'
He leapt out of his seat (knocking away a few Hufflepuff and Gryffindor girls) and yelled, "I'M GOING TO GET YOU, SNAKE-BITCH!"
Professor Penderdandis, the House Master of Slytherin House to which 'Snake- Bitch' belonged, gave him detention and the loss of two points from Gryffindor for his outburst.
----------
By the time lunch came around, the Marauders were being chased down the halls by the Box, looking like something out of a low-budget fantasy-action movie or cartoon.
"THIS IS HUMILIATING!" Potter cried.
"I DON'T WANNA DIE BY A CLICHE!" Lupin shrieked.
"WAAAAHH!" Pettigrew added.
"RUN, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!" Black yelled. "RUN!"
All four dove into the Great Hall, hiding behind the doors as the Box rolled by. They looked up and glared at Martis and Sev, who were busy having lunch together and sharing a book.
"The Truce is broken!" Black announced to the room at large, pointing at the duo of Snips and Spirals. "They sent a damned Box after us -!"
Penderdandis and McGonagall got up and made their way down the rows to the Marauders. McGonagall's pale face was now white with anger, showing the blue veins beneath her skin.
"Professor Penderdandis explained to me that you were warned." She pulled a sheet of parchment out of her sleeve with the same inflammatory warning written on it as they found it on the door of the third-floor classroom. "This is the warning that was posted, was it not?"
The four boys nodded, looking at the ground.
"And the Box itself is covered with warnings, is it not?"
They nodded again.
Penderdandis snorted, folding his arms. "Seeing as how you directly ignored a warning for your benefit, you have to live with it."
"I TOLD you!" Pettigrew whined toward the other three.
A snarl from Black shut him up.
McGonagall's thin lips pressed together. "If there is any reason to believe you will be hurt, this will be stopped. However, seeing as this Box is merely only chasing you around school ... "
"But - " Potter began.
"You will have to think your own way out of this." Her lips curled into a too-polite smile. "Don't disappoint me or the House."
She turned on her heel and went back to her seat. Penderdandis smirked and bowed his head cordially.
The Marauders found their seats and glumly sat down, wondering what to do with a sentient Box that seemed to know where they were and delighted in chasing them down.
----------
During Slytherin Quidditch practice, Remus Lupin (currently not being chased by the Box) managed to flag Britomartis Vox down while on a break.
"I give up, Miss Brit - Miss Vox," he admitted. "James and Sirius are planning on trying to dupe your Box - "
Martis waved her hand dismissively and sat down on the edge on the pitch. "Lupin, you're an okay bloke, as I said before, but if you're gonna ally yourself with a group, you have to take their punishment along with them."
Remus Lupin hesitantly sat next to her, her scent filling up his nose. Gods, that scent was wonderful - olive oil and spicy perfume, and being wiff from Quidditch practice even though it was freezing. And the scents she emitted during this phase in her Moon Cycles were maddening. The vague notion of dragging her to the ground came over him again, but he controlled the urge and hoped it did not show. "I'm not strong like that. Not like you."
She made an unladylike sound. "Strength. Comes in all flavors, Lupin. Once you find yours, you'll be a force to be reckoned with." She lowered her sunglasses, gazing at him with moss green eyes. "Of course, I may be obligated to make you a part of my harem."
He blushed up to and beyond his hairline. Any more talk like this and he felt he could figure out those vague notions of what to do when he had her on the ground. "I may not survive, so I'll pass."
She made a face at him. "Go one and play with your boyfriends, then, and have fun with the Box." She gave an evil grin. "While you last." She got up with a mad cackle, suitable for a hag.
Lupin wondered how such a delicious girl ended up with such a personality. And wondered how Snape was able to keep up with her. He also wondered if being part of her harem included having her incredibly long, gorgeous, fragrant ash blonde hair cover him like a golden cloud as she bent over him...
The rest of his housemates wondered why, when Lupin returned, he was slapping himself in the face and cursing.
----------
By the next evening, dinner was enjoyed by everyone except the Marauders. The Box sat on the table before them as they nervously picked at their food and glanced up at it. None of them said it, but they could feel it staring at them.
Lily Evans finally slammed down her utensils and stood up in a huff. "Oh, for heaven's sake! Just sit there like good little whimpering boys! I'll open it!"
She stepped up on the bench and grabbed the lid in a firm grip. But as she lifted it, it began screaming in a little girl's voice, "RAPE! HELP! MOLESTER! WAAH! I'LL BE A GOOD LITTLE BOX - JUST DON'T RAPE ME!"
Lily had to go to the hospital wing for some sedatives after that. No one else even tried to touch the Box.
-------
The Marauders returned to their room that evening, not even flinching when they opened their door and found the Box in the middle of the chamber. They plopped down on their beds and stared at their big square nemesis.
"It didn't scream when we touched the Box," Lupin observed.
They allowed the music sting: "Dun-dun-dum!"
"Only when Evans did," Black sighed as he folded his hands behind his head. "And probably any one else who'd be stupid enough to try."
"Why'd it have to be Lovely Lily??" Potter cried.
"It could have been one of us," Pettigrew supplied.
Lupin hit him with a pillow. "No it couldn't. Potter and I both touched it. So, this means we could probably open it. Who's going to do it?"
"Not me!" Pettigrew yelped, diving under his blankets.
"Bloody coward," Potter muttered.
"Damn right!"
"I'm not touching it," Lupin added.
"Me, neither," Black seconded.
Potter paced around the Box. "Damned ... Thing! This is her revenge against me for not being part of her harem!"
"She offered you WHAT?!" Lupin yelped as he nearly fell off his bed.
"Get over it, Prongs," Black growled. "You too, Moony. We have to figure out this ... Thing first." Black got up and began pacing. "All right, all right. Now, what do we know about those two that would tie into this thing?"
"They like chipping away at our sanity," Potter pointed out.
"Right, and that's what this is." Black folded his arms. "Now, how can we get a couple of axes from Filch?"
----------
The screams filled Gryffindor Tower, making Minerva McGonagall jump out of bed and run down the stairs in her nightgown. Knocking on the door to the room of the Fourth-Year boys calling themselves the Marauders, she pushed the door open to see all four on them on the Box and attacking it with axes.
The screams were of frustration, due to the fact that the Box repaired itself so quickly that no damage could be seen, despite the growing pile of splinters and wood chips.
"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!" she said in her 'Wrath-of-God' voice, which caused the windows to rattle.
The boys looked up from their carnage and quickly became embarrassed.
"It attacked us first!" Black exclaimed. "We were defending ourselves!"
"I'm quite sure you keep axes under your beds for just such occasions," their House Mistress stated. "After all, one never knows when one will be assaulted by a packing crate. Now, shall I have your House Father Professor Kettleburn tuck you in for the night?"
"No, ma'am," Potter said. "Really ... "
"Then I suggest you give those axes back to Mr. Filch. And don't make Gryffindor look bad this time." Her lips set into a straight line. "Good night."
She left the room, making sure to close the door behind her before her face broke into a large grin. She hated to admit it, but this particular prank was brilliant - even she was anticipating the result of this work. It was a pity Vox was not sorted into her House - she would hate to give Slytherin twenty points for creating such a brilliant magical artifact...
----------
Two days later, completely sleep-deprived, Remus Lupin threw himself at Britomartis Vox's feet in the middle of a corridor. "PLEASE! Tell us how to get rid of it! It won't leave us alone! It stalks us in classes, in the bathrooms, the Great Hall, the SHOWERS! PLEASE! I'll be part of your harem and do anything you want me to do!"
"Eww! Let go of my leg, freak!" Martis shook him off and continued on to class.
Lupin got up and followed her. "Please, Miss Britomartis! I beg you! How do we get rid of it?!"
She paused and turned to him, her long hair sweeping around her body. "You really want to know?" She grinned.
"Yes!"
"Come closer," she said. He leaned in closer, becoming overwhelmed by her scent. "Closer," she whispered. He converged in, feeling the warmth radiating from her exposed skin. "Closer," she breathed huskily.
Lupin was now pressed against her body, his ear nearly to her lips, and praying to every God he had heard of to stop the agony. If he ever slept again, he knew this was going to produce some interesting dreams. "What do I have to do?" he asked softly.
She whispered, "You have to..."
"Yes??"
And at the top of her lungs she shouted, " - OPEN THE BOX!"
Her proclamation was followed by a "Dun-dun-DUM!" music sting, which made everyone in the hall nearly jump out of their skins.
Lupin pulled away and rubbed his ear. "You delight in torturing us."
"Absolutely," she answered. "Good to know the music sting works, too." She patted the top of his shaggy ginger hair. "Toodles, Loopy."
----------
James Potter and Sirius Black's attempt at ganging up on Severus Snape in Potions class failed because Professor Sartoris had been on the lookout. He then - right in the middle of class - began a rant toward the four Marauders.
"Nimrods!" Sartoris ranted. "Idiots! Poor excuses of amoebic dysentery! You have the perfect excuse to analyze and define a newly created magical artifact - and all you do is whine and bully the student that created it! What sort of chum are you to not be able to figure out an artifact made by - of all things - the best Potions student in your year and a Second-Year Quidditch Beater??" He turned to Sev. "No offense to you or Miss Vox, Master Snape."
"None taken," Sev answered as he continued to work out formulae in his notebook.
Sartoris turned back to the Marauders and their Box. "You're going to be adult Wizards soon! You can start contributing to society by figuring out this Box!"
The music sting sang out: "Dun-dun-DUM!"
Everyone looked at Sev and he blushed, while Artemisia Vox gave him the Thumbs' Up and a grin.
Sartoris, having finally said his piece, smiled in his grandfatherly way and continued with his lecture on stone-use in Potions.
----------
The Marauders had no idea how many days they had been awake. The Box sat in their dorm room as they sat on their bed and stared at it.
"I'm going to cut all her hair off," Potter muttered. "Then I'm going to stuff it down his throat."
Lupin yawned. "If we open ... It, maybe we can stuff them into it."
"But there might be a flesh-eating monster in there," Pettigrew whined. "Maybe even Lethifolds - they would eat us without a trace and not leave any evidence."
"I know what's in there," Black said darkly. "It's Father Christmas. He formed an alliance with those two in revenge for all those traps we set out around Christmas."
"Who?" Potter asked.
"Father Christmas!" Black picked up his pillow and banged it into both of the bedposts closest to him. "Father Christmas is in the Box!"
"Dun-dun-DUM!"
Black glared at it. "It knows when we've been naughty and nice and it follows us everywhere! Father Christmas is in there - it's not enough I keep getting tons of coal every year! Now he has to stalk me!"
"You're lucky you get coal," Pettigrew groused. "I get stockings full of spiders."
"It's revenge for all those traps my family's been setting out for him," Black insisted.
"If he's really in there, we're in trouble then."
"Will you two cut that out?!" Lupin cried. "There is no Father Christmas in there!"
"We HAVE to open it up," Potter stated. "Or we'll never get any sleep again."
"I'm not opening it!" Pettigrew reminded them.
"What?" Lupin asked. "Afraid of a fate worse than death?"
"No, just death, that's quite enough."
"Why don't we all open it?" Potter suggested.
----------
The Marauders used James Potter's invisible cloak and snuck out of Gryffindor Tower. They paused by the Quidditch pitch, seeing the inflatable sheep defacing it in grotesque ways, leaving pictures bleached into the dead grass.
"So it really was the inflatable sheep," Black observed.
"No one will believe us," Potter reminded him.
"If we survive this, we have to hunt it down for slander."
"No," Lupin interrupted. "That's 'libel' - it was written out."
"Slander," Black argued. "It goes beyond the written word."
"Will you two cut that out?" Potter snapped. "I can hear that Thing tumbling after us."
"We're invisible!" Pettigrew objected. "How could it find us?"
"It's 'magical'," Black replied in disgust.
"Mys-steer-ee-us," Potter chuckled, wiggling his fingers.
"Keep up your side of the cloak, Prongs," Lupin muttered.
The group ran out to the moors and as far away from the castle as possible, but within line-of-sight running distance to make sure they could escape back to the safety of the school.
The Box 'thunked' down in front of them and they stared at it. Despite the freezing wind and thin layer of frost on the ground, they sweated profusely.
"All right," Potter said. "Wormtail, Moony - you guys start digging the trench. Padfoot and I are going to make the pole."
Within a few hours, the Marauders had built up a dirt bank and trench to hide in and constructed a thirty-foot pole with which to open the lid. Pettigrew had acquired steel helmets from somewhere, and they all wore them. Sitting in their defensive position, they pushed the pole out toward the Box.
The nearly new moon allowed starlight to provide enough light for them to see the tip of the pole push the lid up. With a creak, the lid lifted up on rusty hinges and fell back, banging against the back of the Box.
A heavenly choir sang out, "La-a-a-a-a-a!"
Then silence.
The four boys sat silently, waiting for something to happen.
"I don't hear anything," Lupin whispered.
"Sounds like snoring," Pettigrew muttered.
"That's Hagrid," Potter answered. "What now?"
"Someone has to look inside," Black supplied. "Prongs - it was good knowing you."
"You [CENSORED] git!" Potter retorted calmly. "You're the one who hates them the most, you do it!"
"The General can't sacrifice himself in battle - acceptable casualties are from the lower ranks. All good aristocrats know that."
"I'll give you a nice eulogy, James," Lupin added.
"Can I have your broom?" Pettigrew asked.
"Why am I the [CENSORED] sacrifice??" Potter shrieked.
"I don't know!" Pettigrew shouted back. "There's just something about you! Every time I look at you I think 'he needs to be sacrificed'! Now get to it!"
Potter had an idea. "Why don't we all go?"
Black immediately responded, "Because you'll need awestruck and heartbroken witnesses who can record your final moments for a disbelieving posterity." He nudged his friend. "Now stop this bellyaching and go!"
Potter got up, inhaling deeply to calm himself as he carefully picked his way toward the Box. Behind him, he could hear them discussing how they were going to arrange the 'James Potter Memorial', with Pettigrew asking, "Sure there'll be enough of him to bury?"
Although the thought of Lily Evans mourning for him and dying a spinster just to be with him in the afterlife cheered him. (The fact she considered him a 'pest' on his best days did not deter this fantasy.)
Back with the rest of the cowards - er, boys - they watched as Potter crept up to the Box, his shoulders hunched and his legs bent, ready to bolt. He listened carefully; pressing his ear to the Box, then finally gripped some of the outré carvings and scrambled up the side.
"What you see?" Black called in a loud whisper.
"It's dark," Potter's voice answered. He hitched himself over the edge and dropped into the Box.
It seemed an eternity as the others waited.
Then James Potter screamed.
"MY GOD!" Pettigrew cried. "IT'S EATING HIM!"
He got up and turned his feet toward the castle while Black and Lupin jumped over the embankment toward the Box to rescue their friend. A second later, not wanting to look bad, Pettigrew ran toward the Box as well.
Potter appeared over an edge, his face livid and his teeth bared in a snarl.
"OH NO!" Pettigrew shouted again. "IT'S POSSESSING HIM!"
"Prongs!" Lupin yelled. "You all right?"
"No!" Potter barked. "I am NOT all right! Look at what we lost four nights of sleep and our sanity over!"
He snapped his hand outward; in his grip, he held a handwritten parchment that simply said:
'Boo.'
Lupin's face broke into a grin while Black smirked, then both fell against each other in laughter. Eventually Potter giggled as well as he hung onto the side of the Box. Pettigrew simply stood in confusion, wondering what was so damn funny about a note saying 'Boo'.
----------
After finally getting their first night of rest in days, the Marauders entered the Great Hall in solemn processional and approached the Slytherin tables where Martis and Sev were seated. Both students and teachers noted the absence of the Box.
Britomartis Vox and Severus Snape looked up expectantly; as one, the Marauders formally bowed to them.
"You have outdone us," Sirius Black stated with humility. "And it makes my stomach ache."
Remus Lupin elbowed him, smiling apologetically to Martis, and the Marauders shuffled away to their seats.
"What was in the Box, anyway?" Evan Ryper asked.
"None of anyone's business," Martis answered.
"Just between us and the Mangled Menagerie," Sev added.
----------
No one ever found out what the Marauders encountered that night when they opened the Box that last day before Holiday Break. Rumors abounded, but the two parties concerned would not reveal the truth.
Caretaker Argus Filch confiscated the Box and locked it away in a vault in his office, declaring it a dangerous artifact. Even though many of the teachers demanded to study it, he made sure to keep it under lock-and-key per Headmaster Dumbledore's orders.
And even though he will deny it, Filch thought it was one of the most brilliant pranks he had ever heard of. The 'Snips and Spirals' files were DEFINITELY going to be put under severely classified status.
-End-