I felt the need to revisit the episode Hostage! once more. For Singerme...I told her two weeks ago this story was almost finished, then of course I developed a massive case of writer's block. The missing pieces finally came together today. I don't own the show, the characters, or the episode, I just thought since it was about Kitty, she ought to have been in it more than she was….

THE DECISION

Jude Bonner shouted in the distance, but his words barely registered with Kitty, nor did the collective gasp of the crowd when she and the dog soldier riding next to her came around the corner onto Front Street. Every bit of effort she had left was concentrated on staying on that horse. She had no idea how she had managed to ride all the way back to Dodge. She had no idea why she was even still alive. It was obvious Bonner and his animals had intended to torture her to death, but her heart had stubbornly continued to beat and her lungs to draw breath long after her mind had retreated from the abuse they inflicted on her.

Jude Bonner wondered, too. After his men had finished with her, he stood over her, watching the faint rise and fall of her chest with something between contempt and admiration. "Why aren't you dead yet, woman?" he sneered, drawing his knife from his boot. Kneeling down next to Kitty, he raised the knife, preparing to plunge it into her heart, but his hand stopped in mid-air. Grinning viciously, he replaced the knife and ordered LaFitte to tell the rest of the gang to get ready to ride. He had a better idea.

The horse came to a stop and Kitty was roughly yanked from the saddle. She was so broken inside she could barely stand, and was so focused on just staying on her feet that she had no idea that she was actually walking toward the Long Branch. She was nearly there when she heard a gunshot, a woman scream, and more of Bonner's shouts. She felt something hit her in the back and push her to the ground, but she was already in so much pain she had no idea she was the one who had been shot. Drifting in and out of consciousness, she heard Sam calling for Doc, and what seemed like an eternity later, Doc was next to her. Someone was crying, and she wondered if the person who was shot had died. Doc said something and she felt several pairs of hands lift her off the ground before full unconsciousness finally took over.

When she woke up, Doc was working on her. As if it was happening to someone else, she saw Sam and Festus watching, shock and fear plain on their faces. She looked at them sadly, knowing all too well what they were going through. Then she tried to look at the figure on Doc's table, but she became aware of someone standing next to her, with her arm around her. "Come, you do not need to see this," a woman's voice urged gently, and she allowed herself to be led into Doc's other room. When the door closed behind them, the room became so flooded with light that Kitty couldn't see anything else. It was then that she finally turned to look at the woman. Dressed in a simple but elegant white gown, she was ageless and indescribably beautiful. She looked like no one Kitty had ever seen before, but she knew in an instant who she was.

"Is it really you?" she asked breathlessly.

"Oui, ma chère fille, it is." The woman was now sitting, and Kitty sank to her knees in front of her. Looking down, she saw she was dressed similarly to her mother, and it was then she realized that she was no longer in any pain.

"Oh, Mother," Kitty said softly. "There are so many things I want to ask you."

"Everything will be revealed in time," her mother said cryptically. Kitty didn't quite understand, but accepted that now was not the time to ask questions. For now it was enough to be free of pain and in her mother's presence. She rested her head in her mother's lap as if she were a child again. It was so comforting to feel her mother's arms around her, stroking her hair, that she lost all sense of time. She had no idea how long it had been before the full implication of her mother's visit finally entered her mind.

"Mother? Did I...am I...?" Her mother waited patiently while she struggled to put it into words. "Will I be staying with you?" she asked, finally.

"That will be up to you."

Kitty took a moment to absorb the idea that she had a choice. She couldn't recall making an effort, through the torture and humiliation at the dog soldiers' camp, to remain alive. It had simply happened. She assumed dying would be similarly out of her control. It hadn't occurred to her that she could just let go. She looked up at her mother questioningly. It seemed unfair to have to make the choice between being free of pain and leaving the people she loved. One person in particular.

Apparently understanding her thoughts, her mother's spirit stood and took her hand, guiding her back to the door. On the other side, Matt, grief written over his face, knelt by her side, holding her hand and desperately searching her face for some sign of life. "The doctor has told your man that he doesn't think you want to live," she said quietly.

Your man. If she knew that much, she must know what went on between them. She looked away in shame, but her mother took her chin in one hand and gently forced her to meet her gaze. "I know how much you love each other." Her eyes held no judgement, only complete understanding.

Kitty looked back at Matt sitting next to her battered body. Kitty Russell, who had thought herself afraid of nothing aside from losing Matt to an outlaw's bullet, knew she was afraid to return to that pain, and to a man who might think of her from now on as damaged goods. "He'll get over me. He'll be better off, safer, when he doesn't have to worry about me anymore."

"I don't think you really believe that, and neither does he."

Kitty looked away again. She didn't know what she believed; she only knew her life would be unbearable if Matt didn't want her now. "I have to go to him. I have to find out."

"You do, but not as you are now. There's only one way you can return to him."

Kitty nodded her understanding. "Can you stay here with me?"

"For a time." Her mother put her arm around her waist and urged her forward.

With a jolt, Kitty felt the pain return and she was once again lying on the table with Matt at her side. He said her name hoarsely. She turned her head in his direction and opened her mouth but was too weak to form any words. Speaking from his heart, he pleaded "I need you, Kitty. I need you."

She knew he loved her, but this was the most intimate declaration of his feelings she had ever gotten from him. I'll try, Cowboy, she communicated silently as their eyes met, then the pain became too great and she slipped back into the blackness, aware of little but Matt on one side of her and her mother's spirit on the other. Through the night, as her body began the work of healing, the woman who gave her life and the man who sustained it sat in vigil over her.

In her unconsciousness, images drifted through her mind. Mercifully, she wasn't reliving her ordeal with the dog soldiers, but other times when she or Matt had been in danger. Repeatedly, she went back to the time seven years earlier, when Matt had been shot trying to defend the town from Mace Gore's gang and she had spent several hours believing that she had lost him forever. By the time Doc had insisted on bringing her back to the Long Branch, she was to the point of not caring whether she lived or died. Every time she relived their reunion, not caring who saw her publicly hugging and kissing Matt, Matt's words from earlier were all she could hear. I need you, Kitty. She couldn't bear to think of Matt going through what she had gone through that night.

Many hours later, despite the pain, she knew she had the strength to go on living and to recover from her ordeal. I'm ready, Mother, she said silently. She felt her mother's spirit silently depart, and the pain grew more intense. She moaned involuntarily, and Matt tightened his hands on hers comfortingly. Sometime after that, she heard Matt and Doc speaking indistinctly and felt Matt leave her side. She heard Doc raising his voice sharply, calling Matt's name, Matt responding to him. She wished she could understand their words, but she wasn't conscious enough. Doc sounded angry. She thought she ought to know what would make Doc raise his voice to Matt, but the knowledge escaped her at the moment. The medicine Doc had given her for pain had her so confused she wasn't sure what was going on and trying to figure it out made her tired, so she gave in and let herself go to sleep.

Many hours later, she drifted back into wakefulness, weak but more lucid than she had been since leaving the dog soldiers' camp. Scared and in pain, she spoke the name of the person she needed the most. She wasn't surprised when it was Doc who responded. Tearfully, she asked a question she already knew the answer to.

"Where is he, Doc?"

END