A/N:This is my very first fanfic so please feel free to give as much constructive advice as possible. I know I need it!Oh and there are spoilers for the manga throughout. I'm too lazy to look up the exact chapters.
Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist
How Foolish of Me
A brilliant sunset marked the end of Lt. Havoc's third tiresome day trying to uncover the mystery of last week's devastating explosion in East city. Mopping sweat from his dirty brow he waited until the last rays of light melted below the horizon before laying down his shovel and barking some orders to the night crew. A car idled at the entrance to the area to take him back to Eastern HQ where he would drop off his reports and finally, sore and exhausted, go home. He sidled in only to blush furiously upon seeing the beautiful young lady in the driver's seat. She, however, smiled, apparently oblivious to the fact that he smelled like a mixture of sewer, cigarettes, and body odor. They had a pleasant conversation where by he discovered that her name was Cindy, she enjoyed billiards, and amazingly, she was single. He was very sorry indeed when the enormous white tower of headquarters loomed into view, but he needn't have fretted. She asked him out instead. Havoc practically twirled around like a giddy school girl when Cindy was safely out of sight. Most unfortunately for him, Fuery was on the grounds to witness his performance.
"Good day sir?" he smiled muffling his laughter. The sergeant was petting a black puppy under cover of darkness from a tree in the middle of the grounds. Havoc stiffened and turned around with the goofiest expression on his face.
"I've got a date!" he answered in a sing song voice trying desperately to play off that he could care less if anyone saw his ludicrous dance. He raised his stack of papers in exuberance. "Lt. Hawkeye still here? I need to give these to her."
"Obviously" Fuery answered gesturing to the excitable dog, "You know she doesn't ever leave before the Colonel. Ever since General Hakuro has been harping on him to wrap up this scar incident the pair of them haven't left before midnight."
"Oh" his face fell, "right."
He shuffled off, feeling a little guilty for the fact that they had been working such long hours, but he shoved it down cheerfully as Cindy's beautiful face swam into his head. His happiness at finally arranging a non celibate weekend evaporated entirely however, when he reached Lt. Hawkeye's office.
"What the hell is this?" He ranted, pointing out her ridiculously high inbox. She smiled painfully at him.
"It's been a long week," and that apparently was her only explanation. He stood there, mouth hanging slightly agape before she finally snapped at him to leave his reports and go home.
"You've been doing some of his work again haven't you" he asked without moving.
Riza said nothing, but continued to write, her nose bent close to the paper.
"You can't keep doing this to yourself... Old man Hakuro can't do anything to the colonel…"
Riza continued to ignore him.
"This isn't healthy," he pressed, "You look awful."
Two minutes of ringing silence followed. Havoc wished desperately that he had a bit more tact, but the truth of the matter was that the lieutenant did not look so good. Her hair was tussled, her eyes baggy, and her skin was almost sickly pale. She gritted her teeth and gave him a piercing look that would have been much more intimidating if her appearance was as crisp as it normally was.
"Thanks for your concern, but this is my duty. So if you'll just leave those and get out, I might be able to go home a little earlier tonight."
There was finality in her tone that told Havoc that he had no choice. He sighed in defeat and set his papers heavily on the desk before exiting, his eyes fixed decidedly on his shoes. No one really knew what to say to her when it came to matters of the Colonel.
"Oh and Havoc" he turned to see her with a coy smile tugging at her lips, "Congratulations on your date. I here you were …ah… somewhat excited."
He shut the door with a snap to hide his suddenly flushed face. Those bastards had nothing better to do than gossip about him around here! That sneaky Fuery! When did he have time to get up stairs before him? He stormed all the way out of doors and stopped in the courtyard to light a cigarette and calm his nerves. The fumes danced erotically about in the cold night air and he inhaled deeply while watching office lights flicking off all along the building. By the time he stubbed out the butt, only two little squares remained lit, giving the wall the eerie appearance that it had eyes.
"Idiots" he muttered as he stared up at the pair of lighted windows. He spared them one last withering glare before pulling his jacket closed and walking home. They were both either extremely stubborn or stupidly blind. Everyone knew that there was more to their relationship than work. Most of his fellow officers had all privately agreed that the lieutenant and colonel shared some sort of history together, but whatever it was none of them where privy to it. He suddenly wished he had known a more suave manner of approaching the lieutenant. Most of them, Havoc included, didn't spare much thought for Mustang's well being. On the surface he led a pretty normal life. Mustang went on dates and came out to the bar with them on many occasions, but Riza was different. She never seemed to go out at all. Havoc couldn't explain why, but the thought of someone as beautiful and intelligent as Riza Hawkeye never going out for a little bit of innocent fun, made him sad.
It was almost as if she was punishing herself.
The thought gave him pause. He shook his head irritably, lit another cigarette and sighed, letting his mind empty until nothing was left to ponder, but the dull thudding sound of his boots against the pavement. It was a steady rhythm that beat the path. Not one of purpose, but of familiarity. He allowed the monotonous sound to wash over him and drown out his guilt. Tomorrow he would be going to dinner with a beautiful woman. He should think about that.
The hours droned on and a handsome grandfather clock standing in the hallway of headquarters groaned its melancholy tone twelve times, signaling Riza to the lateness of the evening. She exhaled a deep shuttering breath as she listened to the last chime reverberate down the corridor and upon deciding her brain no longer functioned, she stood up to start locking up for the weekend. Convinced that the colonel was long gone by now, she exited her office and headed down the vacant hallway only to halt at his door.
The light was still on.
Her heart fluttered temporarily in her throat, before she swallowed hard and pushed her way inside. A soft snoring greeted her. Mustang's head was planted firmly on his desk. He was sound asleep. Momentarily stunned, she allowed her face to betray the slightest hint of admiration for his handsome features before mentally slapping herself.
She couldn't…
Riza blinked and seemed to hesitate before reaching forward to shake him awake.
"Sir?" she asked tentatively. Mustang sat up abruptly, unsticking a paper from his face and looking confusedly around.
"Not again" he crumpled sadly, "las' time was…terrible…"
"Sir!" she shook him again and he seemed to snap to his senses this time.
"Lieutenant?" He stared bleary eyed at her than at the room and bowed his head in apology. "Sorry, I must have been dreaming." He stifled a yawn, stood up, and began shuffling papers away. Riza, however, continued to stare at him shrewdly.
"I'm fine," he reassured her at last after several minutes of her uncomfortable scrutinizing. He had no desire to bring more worries on her; she looked worn out as it was.
"I disagree sir" she responded moving to help lock away his last cabinets. Ignoring her, he took out his watch and almost fell over. "Holy crap! Look at the time. I can't believe you stayed here this long. You should take Monday off" he offered giving her a fake smile. Riza returned it with a stony expression.
"I'm not going to leave when this scar incident might reflect badly on your performance. It needs to be resolved quickly… for your sake." She flushed slightly before turning off the lights and holding open the door for him. Not for the first time, guilt rankled his insides at Riza's words. Roy felt so inadequate in her presence. He was a thief who had stolen a young girl's dreams for the future and perverted them into something sickeningly opposite. Flashes of the days he spent studying her bare tattooed back while she covered herself nervously with a blanket plagued him at these times. She was so young and innocent. So willing to give him the power of flame alchemy because he had promised that he would use it for the good of the people. She had trusted him and he had broken that by becoming a killer in the war with Ishbal. But the worst part of it all was that she had blamed herself…
"Sir?"
Roy's eyes snapped up to see Riza waiting for him, her face filled with concern.
"Are you sure you're alright?" she asked as the door shut with a gentle click. Roy did nothing to mask the depression he suddenly felt. Wordlessly he helped her into her coat and began to walk at a brisk pace toward the exit. She hurried along in his wake watching the back of his head for any indication of speech.
"Roy" she said softly. He stopped at hearing his name. It made him feel simultaneously happy and distressed.
"I'm fine." He responded at length, "Come on. I'll walk you home" he proffered out his arm and led the way into the night.
"I have to pick up Hayate" she gestured to the tree he was tied upon.
"Poor mutt. All alone all day, in the cold! What a terrible owner you have!" He laughed at the look of pure indignation Riza sent him.
"Fuery took care of him today, thank you very much!" she retorted in mock anger. Mustang's spirits lifted slightly at this turn in their conversation. Seizing the opportunity to postpone any more concerned questions he knew Riza would surely ask, he grabbed the poor dog and lifted him high in the air.
"Fuery? And did that silly man feed you donuts again. Honestly, your owner does nothing in your best interest."
"I'd put him down if I were you, unless you'd like to get whizzed on," Riza advised tonelessly. Their eyes met and her face split into a wide gorgeous smile. "Though, I think that would make me laugh more than seeing Havoc's victory dance today." Her eyes sparkled mischievously as she swept Hayate from his arms and led the way out of the gates.
"Victory dance?" he asked puzzled as he hurried to catch up. It was then that Riza recounted witnessing his performance from her window and how Fuery, panting breathlessly, had burst into her office to tell the whole story. Roy laughed raucously.
The subject of abusing Havoc carried them all the way to Riza's apartment building where they stopped by the outside door and simply stared awkwardly for a moment at each other. Roy mumbled something about work in the morning and made to depart, but Riza caught his sleeve.
"Yes?" he asked a little nervously after a pause.
"I…uh…Thank you for walking me home, sir."
"Oh…It was nothing. I should really be thanking you for staying so late…I shouldn't have fallen asleep." He leaned against the wall and regarded her carefully, wondering what he should say. But the words that he so desperately wanted to keep from Riza tumbled haphazardly out anyway.
"I was having nightmares about Ishbal again" he muttered averting his eyes. She gave him an understanding smile.
"It just doesn't end does it?"
He sighed miserably in agreement and Riza's heart melted for him. It was in these moments that she didn't see a war hardened colonel Mustang…she saw someone who had made mistakes. Someone who had faults not unlike her own.
"Why don't you come up? I'll make you some tea."
Roy hesitated at first, but the sight of her framed in the open door with the light behind her managed to change his mind. He would just be there for a little while…it would be foolish to deny that he liked her company and he didn't really fancy being alone at the moment.
"That sounds fine" he responded at length, "but I think I want something stronger than tea."
"Drunkard" she accused under her breath.
Two minutes later Roy found himself comfortably sprawled out on a yellow sofa with a large glass of scotch in his hand.
"Do you mind?" Riza asked, gesturing to a grate where she had just stacked several logs, "I seem to have run out of matches."
He quirked an eyebrow.
"Ah so this is the real reason you invited me in. I see…"
She slapped him lightly on the shoulder to which Roy merely smiled roguishly before lighting a merry fire and settling back on the soft cushions. Riza took her place beside him and that sat comfortably watching the flames crackle with life and warming their hands before she spoke.
"It's funny…I never once saw my father even use flame alchemy"
Roy said nothing. He didn't like being reminded of those days. He had respected Sensei Hawkeye up until the moment he saw what he had done to his daughter. How could any man do that? Of course he had taken advantage of Riza too…
"I suppose alchemists are just despicable creatures" he muttered unconsciously.
"What?" she asked. Roy looked around. Had he really just said that out loud?
"Nothing" he replied draining his glass. Perhaps he should hurry and depart before anything dangerous happens. He stood up.
"Are you leaving already sir?" she asked surprised. He frowned at her disappointed face. Was that all he ever was to her? Disappointments? His feelings of inadequacy increased.
"Why am I still alive?" he suddenly asked. Riza's face hardened.
"Because you have a goal to reach….and a country to save."
"I don't know if I can do it" he blurted out, speaking for the first time about his own insecurities. He crumpled back to the sofa and buried his face in his hands. "I don't know…"
He flinched suddenly as Riza smoothed back his hair. Her hands were surprisingly soft, her eyes softened and sweet. "Colonel, you are too hard on yourself"
"I'm nothing compared to you" he responded lowering his hands. Riza recoiled slightly as he continued speaking, his voice taking on a stern quality.
"I've told you before, I'll take on the burden of our crimes. What happened to you in Ishbal, that is partly my fault."
"But--"
"It's true lieutenant. I see how hard you've been working to help me up to the top. I respect that and appreciate it, but….I remember only asking you to watch my back. And to shoot it if I ever stepped off the path we're working towards. If I hadn't of left you alone after your father died and been so foolishly naïve as to put my hopes in the military, perhaps our lives would have ended up differently…I …don't want you to sit at home anymore." He stopped and stared into the fire looking as miserable as ever. Riza tried to think of something to say, but for some reason speech had left her. A tear slid down her cheek.
"It is my fault though…this array was entrusted to me…and I…" her voice faltered as Roy's eyes pierced hers.
"I know…I was not a worthy candidate to bestow your father's knowledge"
"Its not that" she argued "…it's just I should've been more…more"
What should she say? Careful? Studious?
She stopped as Roy caught the tear and wiped it from her cheek.
"I just want you to be happy someday. You don't have to continue punishing yourself for giving me the secret of flame alchemy. It was me who used it to kill thousands of people…not you."
He pulled his hand away and put on his coat. Causing her more pain made him feel sick with guilt. He suddenly wanted to leave.
"The blood stains of Ishbal are on both our hands" she responded as Roy paused, his hand on the door handle, "I don't want you to die either, sir" For that was the fate they knew awaited him if he became Furer. A war hero would be a murderer in peaceful times.
Roy did not look around or offer any words of comfort to her. He merely smiled miserably to himself before admitting quietly, "There are times that I wish I could live a normal life….get married and have children. But I don't know how I could look at them in the face without remembering…"
A myriad of thoughts plagued his mind. Screams of women, children, blood of men. Riza turning her back and removing her shirt to reveal an enormous alchemic array…she was so young…her eyes when the met in Ishbal…they were the eyes of a killer. He shouldn't have left her. She joined the military because of him…because she had no where else to go…
He opened the door.
"Goodnight lieutenant"
She watched as the latch caught, listened as his heavy footsteps disappeared down the hall and without knowing why she sped to her window to witness him exit her apartment building. He stood still in the street for a moment, staring at the stars before looking back at her window. Riza jumped and waved silently before closing the curtains in embarrassment and returning to her fire.
"When did this happen?" she asked Hayate who wagged his tail in response. She stared into the flames wondering when her feelings for Roy Mustang had changed. She had been shy around him when they first met all those years ago when he came to study under her father. Very shy. She had been somewhat angry with him in Ishbal when she had found out about his failure to keep up his promise, but what blame she apportioned him was now gone in the face of his second promise. The one she had vowed to protect until the day he accomplished it. Now though….she thought about his secret wish to someday have a wife and she flushed at the thought of hoping his unsaid desire was for her. Perhaps it was because they worked so close together. Perhaps it was because she had once bared so much skin in front of him. What ever it was Riza poured out a glass of alcohol for herself and admitted defeat.
"You know Hayate I think I've fallen in love with him. How foolish of me."