Hey there whoever's reading this! I'm Cat and it's been a long while since I've written any fanfiction. This is the first time I've tried my hand at Harry Potter FF and I'm pretty nervous. I've been working on original fiction off and onfor a while now and I needed a break and this idea popped into my head while I was listening to my Ipod. I'm regularly inspired to write because of music. I've been on a Bruce Springsteen kick lately (look to the title) and I feel like Sirius would be a pretty big fan. The song Thunder Road has a lot of significance and is the basis for this story. I can't decide if I want to be more than a one shot but that really depend on what kind of feedback I get on this. I'm not easily offended and I welcome constructive criticism. I know everyone says this but I'm truly serious. I want to be a better writer and I feel that fanfiction is the perfect way for me to do this. So please, offer your thoughts in a comment! If you think I should continue it, let me know. I know time travel fics are pretty common but I'd like to think that this is a little different. I don't expect this to be all that long (unlike this author note, sorry!). Note that if this continues, the titles of the chapters will be song titles. They're relevant so you should take a listen! A
And again, please drop me a line! I'd really appreciate it.
-Cat
Chapter 1-Secret Garden
As she walks through the door to 13 Grimmauld Place, she drops her bag and quietly shuts the door behind her before closing her eyes and slumping to the floor with a watery sigh. It's all too much too soon. She hasn't been quite right since their deaths. She still feels guilty that she wasn't there to help them. Her parents. She hastily wipes away the silent tears she notices streaming down her face when she hears raucous laughter and loud footsteps heading her way.
"Remus you dog! Let me get the firewhiskey to celebrate!" Sirius calls as he enters the corridor leading to the kitchen that makes her spot by the front door visible to him. He pauses and tilts his head to the side when he sees her which makes her grin slightly in spite of herself, though it doesn't reach her eyes. His mannerisms are almost too doglike sometimes.
"Sirius, I'll take a rain check on the firewhiskey. I'm expected home for...dinner." Remus also pauses right behind Sirius when he sees her sitting on the floor with puffy eyes and tear tracks down her face.
"Are you alright Mar...um Hermione?" The two men share a look when she frowns at Sirus's almost use of her first name. It's not a name she's used to being addressed by. Occasionally he does this and she's always wondered why. Only her parents call her by that name. She vowed to be called Hermione on her first day at Hogwarts, claiming the name 'Mary' was too plain for a witch, and it has stuck ever since.
"I'm fine." She murmurs quietly before smiling softly at Remus, remembering his happy news.
"Congratulations Remus. You're going to be a wonderful father." The hesitance in his eyes recedes as he positively beams at her. It lightens her heart some to know that joy can still be found in this dark and volatile time filled with pain and death.
"Your opinion is greatly appreciated Hermione. Thank you." He responds in kind, unknowingly reassuring her of her relevance in this world. She needs it more and more as the days go by and especially today. After her conversation with Dumbledore, she needs all the reassurance she can get. She's going to need it where she's going.
"Well Moony, you better get home to that wife of yours. Give my regards to Nymphadora." Sirius says with a grin and a wink. Remus rolls his eyes.
"You know, she's going to pummel you for sure for calling her that now that she's pregnant." Remus says as he walks into the kitchen, waving to Hermione as he heads for the fireplace. She remains where she sits, still quite unable to move. The weight of the world is quite literally on her shoulders and she feels it more acutely with the knowledge that she is solely responsible for making sure these people make it out alive. She drops her head between her knees and massages the back of her neck with her trembling hands. Can she do this?
"Remus is gone. And no one else is here. I'm not drinking alone, so do you know what that means?" Sirius says, and a shadow passes over her as he stands directly in front of her spot on the floor. She slowly raises her head and looks up to find Sirius with a bottle of firewhiskey in one hand and the other outstretched before her, waiting for her to take it. She stares at it a moment before she reaches up and her shaking ceases as soon as his large warm hand closes around her small cold one. He's always been so strong, even after everything he's been through and she envies him that strength. She needs it now more than ever and she just can't find it within her today.
"You're drinking with me." He says with finality as he pulls her up and leads her up the stairs and into her favorite room in the house. The library. Since Sirius has lived here it's become her safe haven and what was once dark, gloomy, and cold, is now a nearly perfect replica of the Gryffindor common room, the only difference being the copious amounts of books stacked from floor to ceiling.
"I'm not sure that's a good idea, Sirius." She says hesitantly as he leads her to her favorite plush armchair close to the fire and releases her hand. She watches as he flops down in his own armchair across from hers and she follows suit, unraveling her scarf and tossing it to the side, sighing as she nestles into the back of the chair.
"You'll feel better when you have alcohol in your bloodstream. Trust me." He says with a wink as he takes a long swig of the reddish brown liquid. She rolls her eyes, but she does trust him. Probably more than he knows and definitely more than she wants to.
"You're insufferable." She says as she barely catches the bottle he tosses at her. "That's certainly not the first time I've heard those words." He responds, an odd twinkle in his eye. She ignores it and takes a tentative sip of the fiery alcohol. She visibly winces but tips the bottle back again, more fully this time. She gasps when she's finished, her cheeks already red from the drink.
"That's my girl!" He crows proudly and she again rolls her eyes at him before taking another long gulp and indelicately tossing the bottle back to him, making him grunt as it hits him in the stomach. She then carelessly kicks off her shoes and brings her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. She's already feeling the alcohol.
"I don't remember you being such a lightweight." He says as he smirks at her slightly glazed over eyes. She looks at him, puzzled. He's never really seen her drink before.
"What are you talking about?" She asks him and he shrugs. "At Bill and Fleur's wedding it took quite a bit to loosen you up like this." She snorts at this.
"Sirius, I was not drinking firewhiskey that night and I also wasn't drinking on an empty stomach." She says lazily. He frowns at her.
"Hermione-" He starts to reprimand her but she stops him.
"Listen. I don't need you to lecture me right now. I just need a friend alright?" She says tiredly, shaking her head. He nods and she sighs with relief. It seems like he always knows what she needs.
"Wanna talk about it?" He asks uncertainly. She glances up at him and seeing his usual sincerity she shrugs and finds herself mesmerized by the crackling flames in the fireplace.
"What's there to talk about? I don't really have a choice."
"Of course you do. You'll always have a choice as long as I'm around." He says and she looks back at him to find him gazing at her with certainty. She chuckles dryly at this but smiles at him with gratitude.
"I appreciate your conviction, but we both know that I'm the only one who can fulfill the prophecy."
"Stupid, idiotic prophecies." He mutters, staring sullenly at the bottle in his hands.
"I appreciate the sentiment, but it has to be done." She leans her head back against the chair and stares up at the ceiling, immediately finding Sirius, the most prominent star in the painted night sky.
"I wish I could take your place." Fire glints in his eyes now, she sees as she lowers her eyes from the ceiling back to him.
"Your place is here. People need you. You're Harry's only family."
"Don't say that Hermione. Don't you ever say that. We all need you here, and I'm pretty sure Harry would consider you a member of his family too. I know that I do. You're the strongest of us all." He says with unbridled honesty in his eyes. She doesn't understand his faith in her.
"No I'm not Sirius. I'm...I don't know if I can do this! What if I, what if I fuck it all up and fail. Everyone will die. Then I'll have no one and even if I do succeed, I'll have to watch James and Lily die and you'll still go to Azkaban and I don't think I can go back and allow those things to happen. I can't take Harry's parents away from him. I can't let you waste away..." She trails off and dissolves into another bout of silent tears. She hates crying where people can see her. Especially him.
"Hermione. You are the strongest person I know." He's suddenly kneeling on the floor in front of her chair. She hides her face in her arms and shakes her head.
"Yes you are. That is why you were chosen to do this. Someone out there knew you would one day be the rock that we all lean on and knew you would be the only person strong enough to save the world without changing the timeline, no matter how painful that might be. It's not your fault that they died. It was that evil bastard, and we're going to help Harry bring him down. But you have to do this first. And I'm sorry that it has to be you, but you won't be alone when you go. I'll be there. I'll always be here." She feels his hand on her knee and she wearily looks into his eyes that belie the truth behind his words.
"What if I can't be that person?" She shakily asks as she unfolds her legs and rests her feet on the soft rug in front of the fireplace and he takes both of her hands in his and pulls her down to mirror his own kneeling position. She's close enough to him to be able to smell his familiar leather and mahogany scent that she has only just realized has comforted her since her third year.
"You already are. Without you Hermione, I would be long dead. You have saved me from myself countless times, certainly more than you know right now." She shakes her head at his words and tries to speak but he stops her.
"No listen. Last year, when I fell behind the veil, it was your hand that kept me chained to this earth. Yours. Your touch kept me from leaving this world behind. I'm certain that no one else could have done that without succumbing to the pull of the veil themselves. You're special Hermione, and you're strong. I wouldn't be here without you and I won't let you fall. I promise. When you go back I won't yet know you, but it won't take long for you to earn my undying loyalty. From then on you'll always have it, as you do now. Please have faith in yourself. And have faith in the younger version of me. You'll get through this. And I'll be here waiting. And so will Remus and Harry and Ron and everyone else."
She hasn't been able to look away from his eyes that are swimming with pride and his own strength. She is starting to believe his words in spite of herself and a small part of her realizes with some discomfort how close they are now, but a much larger part is noticing how handsome he really is, while passionately trying to convince her of her own self-worth. His eyes are the darkest of blue, as blue as the ocean during a storm and just as changeable. They're beautiful. He's beautiful and she doesn't know how to process this new feeling. He's aged well in spite of his stint in Azkaban, with nary a wrinkle marring his smooth skin and aristocratic features that are accentuated by the flickering firelight. His hair is as dark as night, a midnight black and with his easy grin, she can truly see the charmer from his school days. The charmer she is soon to meet. She's always known he was good-looking but she's never felt any different because of it. Now her stomach clenches and her eyes widen as he comes even closer but she relaxes when he only rests his forehead against hers. She finds it disconcerting that she wanted even more contact than that. She's brought back into the present with the sound of his voice.
"Is this okay?" He asks her tentatively, pulling back just slightly from her to look into her eyes more clearly. She nods and places her hand on the skin of his chest over his tattoo where his shirt has come undone. "I need..." She pauses uncertainly, not knowing exactly what she needs but knowing he is the only one who can provide it.
"Shh baby." He whispers as he pulls her fully against his chest, her hand still resting between them on his skin, his mouth on her head, kissing her hair. "I'm here." He says, and she can feel the comforting rumble of his voice against her cheek. She feels the silent murmur of a spell against her hair and suddenly the room is filled with the soft tones of one of her favorite singers. It's something they've bonded over before, in this time. But somehow she knows that this song holds more significance to him and she looks up at him, chin on his chest and shivers. He quickly summons a blanket and they're surrounded by cushions that weren't there before. She gratefully accepts the blanket he wraps around her but doesn't loosen the hold she now has on him as he lowers them onto the soft cushions. One of his hands falls to her cheek as they face each other. She closes her eyes and they lie there in silence as he strokes her cheek softly. She nearly drifts off to sleep until she feels him shift away from her. She briefly panics and opens her eyes.
"Don't leave." She pleads, hating how weak she sounds.
"I never will Mary." He tells her as he walks across the room to get another blanket calling her by her given name. She closes her eyes again and sighs when she feels him settle in behind her, curling his body around hers protectively. She doesn't understand this new closeness between them but she doesn't question it because she knows that when she wakes it will be time for her to leave, and she needs this. As she finally lets sleep take her, she feels safe for the first time in months and squeezes his hand that rests against her stomach, nestling into him further, the words of the song that's playing echoing in her head, sleepily knowing that these words are meant for her.
She'll let you in her house
If you come knockin' late at night
She'll let you in her mouth
If the words you say are right
If you pay the price
She'll let you deep inside
But there's a secret garden she hides
She'll let you in her car
To go drivin' 'round
She'll let you into the parts of herself
That'll bring you down
She'll let you in her heart
If you got a hammer and a vise
But into her secret garden, don't think twice
You've gone a million miles
How far'd you get
To that place where you can't remember
And you can't forget
She'll lead you down a path
There'll be tenderness in the air
She'll let you come just far enough
So you know she's really there
Then she'll look at you and smile
And her eyes will say
She's got a secret garden
Where everything you want
Where everything you need
Will always stay
A million miles away
Secret Garden-Bruce Springsteen