The Wrong Done
Hitsugaya Toushirou was restless. He had been aimlessly wandering around his office in the Tenth Division's quarters for several hours already, thinking what he should do in current situation. And he still didn't know.
He sighed quietly, leaning against the desk. The paperwork — his own and Matsumoto's — still lay there in heaps. He hadn't look into them for a few days.
Since his fateful conversation with Hinamori.
He let out another sigh. He liked order and had always been doing his best to keep everything in place and to give everyone what they deserved. No wonder it was so hard for him to put up with the thought that he had been unfair towards another person.
He clenched his fists. That afternoon he had been sure that he had acted righteously; after all, they had been dealing with a traitor, and whoever had sided with him had also been an enemy of Soul Society. When they had crossed swords, they had been standing on the opposite sides of the barricade, and no-one could blame Hitsugaya Toushirou that he had confronted Kira Izuru. Especially considering the fact that it had been Kira who had drawn the sword first.
No, Toushirou didn't regret his decision, though it had been painful to fight against a former brother in arms. Still, he was one of the Gotei 13 Captains and he couldn't behave any different — at least that was what he had thought back then.
Back then… before his whole world had been turned upside down, and Toushirou had to revise most of his opinions.
Ichimaru Gin was not a traitor.
Ichimaru Gin had greatly contributed to Aizen's defeat.
Ichimaru Gin had died a hero's death.
And Kira Izuru… Kira Izuru was the one whom Toushirou still couldn't look in the eye.
He bit his lip. He avoided Kira Izuru and he knew that. Why? Well, that was a good question. If only he could find an answer…
Since the battle in the false Karakura they hadn't exchanged a word. Toushirou couldn't overcome his feelings and just start the conversation, and Kira… Kira, according to all signs, had thought himself to be too unimportant a person to make a claim for apologies.
What didn't mean that he didn't deserved them.
Hitsugaya Toushirou closed his eyes, massaging the bridge of his nose. A headache drew near inevitably. And, on top of that all, there was this conversation with Hinamori…
"You really didn't know, Hitsugaya-kun?"
He didn't. And now he felt even more ungrateful…
He sighed again, shaking his head. Just the awareness that he had behaved callously, unfairly condemning Kira, couldn't change anything. He should finally find some kind of solution; there was no doubt about it. If only it wasn't so hard…
It wasn't easy to renounce at least some part of his beliefs that had always seemed right. It wasn't easy to admit his mistake even before himself, let alone before someone who he had thought to be infatuated and who had turned out to be the closest to the truth in the end.
On the other hand, no-one had ever said that a Captain's life was supposed to be easy; and sitting in his quarters doing nothing certainly wasn't the right way to settle the matters. Hitsugaya Toushirou felt an irresistible need to act. The office suddenly appeared cramped, stuffy and overwhelming to him. He needed air, space, and he had a feeling that if he only left this room, everything would become simpler and clearer.
To go outside. Right. Definitely.
He pushed himself away from the desk and headed for the door.
Perhaps, he would even find the courage to talk to Kira…
It was the beginning of spring in Seireitei, but the day was surprisingly warm for this season; even too warm for Hitsugaya Toushirou, who, with every step he took, became more convinced that his previous enthusiasm had been misleading. He felt as if this sudden warming — too sudden after weeks of winter chill — was sucking out his very life force. Firstly, Hitsugaya didn't like it when it was too warm; secondly, it felt almost improper that the nature flourished while Soul Society was just slowly rising from ruins.
Though he tried to avoid it, once again he got lost in mirthless thoughts, and there was but a step from them to the memories of the final battle, and, consequently, to the topic he couldn't think about without feeling guilty anymore.
He drew his lips into a tight line. Hinamori's words yet again resounded in his mind.
"Hitsugaya-kun?"
They had met three days ago, just outside the Fourth Division's hospital. Toushirou had been coming back from his visit to Matsumoto, who had been still healing after the final battle, but the healers' prognosis were better with every passing day. Hinamori herself had left the hospital little earlier, and Hitsugaya had been still worried about her health. That was why he hadn't been sure if he'd felt happy or anxious when he had met her that afternoon.
"You've been visiting Rangiku-san, Hitsugaya-kun?"
He had nodded. He remembered Hinamori's shy smile when he had asked about her reasons for coming to the Fourth Division.
"I wanted to see Kira-kun… I haven't had the chance to thank him yet…"
He'd been surprised back then — Kira hadn't suffered any serious wounds in the battle, why then should he be in hospital? Hinamori had noticed his confusion, and had hurried with an explanation.
"Kira-kun is helping in the Fourth Division now, you really didn't know, Hitsugaya-kun? He was its member once, and Captain Unohana's said that they every pair of hands would be welcome, so…"
Hinamori had let out a quiet sigh after these words.
"Poor Kira-kun… He takes on so many duties… After all that happened… I… I would also like to be of some help…"
He must have winced slightly, even though he had tried not to show any negative emotions, for Hinamori had taken Kira's side right away.
"You shouldn't be so harsh for him, Shiro-chan. Kira-kun is doing all in his might to save others… just like back then in Karakura…"
In Karakura? He had been so surprised with her words that he hadn't even pointed calling him "Shiro-chan" out to her. What had happened in Karakura? He hadn't known and, before realizing it, he had admitted it out loud.
Hinamori Momo had blinked in surprise.
"I was sure someone had told you about it, Hitsugaya-kun. Kira-kun saved us back in Karakura. Me and Rangiku-san…That's what I want to thank him for…"
He shook his head. He had barely been able to believe her words back then. Kira Izuru… The same Kira Izuru, who had been just a pitiful fool in Toushirou's eyes, had saved from death Hinamori and Matsumoto, the two women Hitsugaya held dearest to him. Then, though he must have been weakened after the use of healing kidou, he'd gathered enough courage to cross blades with Toushirou. Hitsugaya knew that if Kira had only confronted one of their enemies back then, he would have won the Tenth Division's Captain respect and admiration. Yet, when Toushirou had seen Kira stand in defense of Ichimaru Gin, he had felt bad, to say the least. Perhaps "disgust" was too harsh word, but he had definitely been… gravely disappointed. And, at the same time, he hadn't been too surprised, which had been even worse. Just as if he'd foreseen that Kira would act this way. Just as if he had wanted to condemn him…
It was easy to condemn Kira Izuru, especially considering the fact that the Lieutenant himself was prone to that. Unlike Hisagi, who was respected by everyone, and Hinamori, whom everyone felt for, Kira could be blamed quite easily, even if all three of them had been betrayed in the same way. Few remembered about his merits; at worst he was treated with disdain, at best with pity. Yet, Kira hadn't become an officer of the Gotei 13 by accident. From what Hinamori said from time to time, he had been one of the best students in the Academy and he used kidou at least as well as Momo, who was admired for her skills in that field. No matter how one looked at it, Kira lacked neither skill nor courage. Why then was it so easy to make him a scapegoat, to place all the blame on him? And why did he, Hitsugaya Toushirou, who considered himself to be just and never misled by appearances, was so eager to do it?
"You really didn't know, Hitsugaya-kun?"
He squeezed his eyelids shut. Hinamori and Matsumoto owed their lives to Kira. How would he have felt if he had known about it earlier, before he had confronted the Lieutenant? Would he have been more understanding towards Kira, or, to the contrary, his disappointment would have been even greater and more painful?
The young Captain let out a resigned sigh. He didn't know, and it had no actual meaning right now. The more important thing was how he felt with this knowledge in the light of later events, and the way he had treated Kira after the victorious battle.
And he felt — to call a spade a spade — awful at the very least. The longer he thought about it, and the more elements pieced together, the more he was sure that Kira hadn't deserved such treatment even for a moment.
If so, why was it so hard for him, the Captain of the Gotei 13, to admit it openly? And why did he find it so hard to tell Kira?
Hitsugaya stopped for a moment. He had a feeling that this stroll had had an opposite effect than he had expected: Toushirou was now more confused than before leaving his office.
He was about to turn around and head back when he noticed where exactly he was. Without the young Captain realizing it, he was brought near the Fourth Division's quarters.
He hesitated, casting a glance at the building. Was it a mere coincidence, or did some unknown strength lead his footsteps here, he wouldn't dare to tell. Still, if he was here, he could as well pay Matsumoto a visit and talk to her a little. Though Hitsugaya would never say it out loud, he valued his Lieutenant's opinion greatly. And Matsumoto knew Kira much better than him; after all, since Ichimaru Gin's disappearance from Soul Society the two of them had spent a lot of time together. The fact that they had mainly drunk enormous amounts of sake during those meetings didn't change a thing. Matsumoto Rangiku could undoubtedly advise Toushirou on the matters; he only had to ask her in an adequately veiled way.
Yes, this seemed to be a good idea. Hitsugaya Toushirou looked at the Fourth Division's symbol above the entrance for another moment and passed through the gate.
The corridors in the Fourth Division were light and spacious, yet they seemed dark after the bright sunlight outside. Hitsugaya didn't like this place; he still remembered the days when he had been spending here long hours, keeping watch over the unconscious Hinamori. Many had doubted that the young Lieutenant of the Fifth Division would ever awake, but Toushirou hadn't allowed himself such thoughts, and in the end it was him who had been right. Still, he felt rather uneasy every time he came here; now, however, he should focus on his goal — which was to reach Matsumoto's room.
Which way was that?
He furrowed his brows, trying to remember. Ah, yes. Straight ahead from here, then a turning to the left, upstairs, and…
'Ouch!'
'Oh…'
All of a sudden, Toushirou bumped into someone while turning into a side corridor. He staggered and moved back a few steps, but managed to keep his balance. He could only blame himself; lost in thought, he wasn't really paying attention to his surroundings.
He looked up, ready to apologize whomever he bumped into — and stopped dead in his tracks.
'Kira…'
He didn't expect that. He didn't suspect that he would have to face Kira Izuru so soon and so unexpectedly.
Too unexpectedly.
He bit his lip nervously, unsure what he should do now. Meanwhile, Kira, who had reeled against the wall after the collision, cast a quick glance on Toushirou upon hearing his voice, before quickly looking away.
'Captain Hitsugaya…' he whispered in a tired tone, and Hitsugaya suddenly realized that Kira looked really bad. There was something desperate in the way he leant against the wall, as if he was barely able to stand. 'I'm sorry, Captain, I didn't n-…'
He didn't manage to finish. The weakness that Toushirou had noticed turned out to be all too real and finally took the better of the Third Division's Lieutenant. Before Hitsugaya had a chance to react, Kira Izuru slowly sank to his knees and, moments later, fell to the floor, unconscious.
'Kira!'
'He's exhausted,' Yamada Hanatarou, the Seventh Seat of the Fourth Division, said quietly, expertly checking Kira Izuru's life functions. Hitsugaya, who had a vague image of Yamada being a klutz and a coward, found his competence truly impressive.
'Fortunately, his life isn't in danger right now,' continued Hanatarou meanwhile, looking at Kira with worry, 'but if he kept going like that any longer…' He sighed quietly.
Hitsugaya Toushirou shifted uneasily in his chair.
'He should have been taken care of earlier…' he muttered, more to himself than to the young healer. Yamada Hanatarou wasn't the one to be blamed for; actually, since he had appeared in the corridor after Hitsugaya's cry for help, he showed impressive composure and reasonable medical judgment. Toushirou could only be angry with himself, as all he had been able to help Hanatarou with was taking Kira to the room they were in right now. Except for that, he had been completely useless and now he could also only look, which didn't make his mood any better. Hitsugaya didn't like to be just a bystander; he always wanted to act and, when he didn't have such possibility, he felt uneasy at the very least. As a result, he often covered his embarrassment with irritation, which, in turn, had its impact on his surroundings. Just as it had now — for Yamada blushed fiercely upon hearing Toushirou's words.
'I'm afraid… we didn't fully realize how bad his condition was,' he whispered, somewhat ashamed, placing his hand on Kira's forehead. The unconscious Lieutenant moaned quietly and winced, as if in pain. 'I mean… I heard once that Captain Unohana told him to rest… but we were all so busy here…' he broke off, the blush on his cheeks deepening even more.
"He takes on so many duties… He's doing all in his might…"
Did you realize it, Hinamori? Did you realize how true your words were? Or did you — even you — see what was on the surface only?
Hitsugaya realized he was clenching his fists. He raised his head, looking at Hanatarou.
'How long will it take him to recover?' he asked, trying to sound neutral. The young healer looked at Kira appraisingly.
'At least a week,' he stated after a while. 'He hasn't slept for several days… and it's hard to say when he has last eaten. On top of that, he's been using kidou all the time, so it's no wonder he's so worn out…' Hanatarou shook his head sadly. 'He needs to rest and regain his strength…' with these words the officer looked at Hitsugaya, smiling shyly, and the Tenth Division's Captain got a feeling that he had a different person in front of him. 'D-don't you worry, Captain… Now that I know he needs help, I promise to take care of him!'
Hitsugaya Toushirou made himself smile back. He was impressed with Yamada Hanatarou's commitment. Were all members of the Fourth Division like him?
'Thank you,' he said quietly and hesitantly shifted his gaze to Kira. It seemed the young Lieutenant was having a nightmare: slender hands clenched on the covers tightly, and pain flashed through his face. Toushirou furrowed his brows. What had Kira done to deserve such fate? Was that how the Soul Society's justice, that Hitsugaya always strived to protect, supposed to look like?
He dropped his gaze. He couldn't deny it: Soul Society had hurt Kira in the worst possible way, and Hitsugaya Toushirou was finally willing to honestly admit that he himself had had quite a share in the wrong done. He might have even been at bigger fault than others, as he had let his prejudices take the better of him just when Kira had needed help the most. The Lieutenant had been deprived of everything most precious to him, he'd had to make choices no-one should ever face — and in return he had been treated almost like a traitor and driven in the sense of guilt. It had been appalling ingratitude, and yet Kira was still working his guts out to help those who had caused his tragedy.
'He… He's suffering a great deal, isn't he, Captain?' Yamada Hanatarou's soft voice broke Toushirou out of his reverie. 'I mean Lieutenant Kira…'
Hitsugaya looked at the healer closely. Hanatarou blushed again.
'I… I've heard a little…' he admitted timidly. 'About Captain Ichimaru and…' he broke off.
For a while they just sat in silence, before Hitsugaya let out a quiet sigh.
'Ichimaru Gin was not a traitor,' he whispered, for the first time saying these words out loud. 'Who knows… without his help… maybe we would have never defeated Aizen…'
He looked up, watching Hanatarou out of the corner of his eye. The healer was looking at him expectantly.
'Ichimaru… Captain Ichimaru…' Toushirou corrected himself, though only he knew how much it cost him, ' Captain Ichimaru has been in Soul Society's service all this time. On the orders of General Yamamoto he was to buy Aizen's favors and inform us about his every move. And, to not raise any suspicions, he had to act as if he indeed became a traitor… managing to deceive all of us, except Lieutenant Kira. He… He always noticed more…'
Hitsugaya was silent for a moment, before looking Hanatarou in the eye and continuing.
'Only Lieutenant Kira… had enough courage to oppose those… who were blindly convinced of Captain Ichimaru's guilt. He was ready to do it… even at a price of being seen as a traitor. And he was right.'
He sighed once again, fixing his gaze on his hands. He felt strangely at ease, telling Hanatarou the truth… it would be so much harder if he had to tell Kira the same thing…
'So… it's true…' the healer whispered. 'I-I…' he faltered. 'I've heard Captain Unohana say that Lieutenant Kira… supposedly… drew a sword against one of our captains…' he finished, almost inaudibly.
Hitsugaya Toushirou felt his heart in his throat. His cheeks burned.
'It's true,' he admitted softly. 'That's how it was.'
'C-captain… Have… Have you seen it?'
It was a completely innocent question, and yet Hitsugaya was glad that Hanatarou Yamada wasn't looking at him at the moment.
'Yes.' He gulped. 'I've seen it. Actually… I was very close.'
Very close. One fat understatement. He remembered all too well the resolve in Kira's blue eyes when they had crossed swords. He couldn't have been any closer.
'I hope…' said Hanatarou cautiously after a moment's silence. 'I hope they've somehow explained it to each other. After all… Lieutenant Kira didn't mean any harm… I'm sure he didn't…'
Hitsugaya gritted his teeth. The young officer's optimism was almost painful. If only everything could be that easy…
A soft moan cut his musings short. Toushirou turned his head to look at Kira with concern. Hanatarou leaned forward as well, watching the Lieutenant closely. The Tenth Division's Captain rose from his chair and came closer to the bed.
'What's going on?' he asked, his brows creased.
Hanatarou looked at him out of the corner of his eye. To Hitsugaya's surprise he looked relieved.
'He's waking up,' he replied with a timid smile. 'Please see for yourself, Captain.'
Toushirou blinked. Indeed, Kira's eyebrows furrowed slightly, his eyelids first twitched and then fluttered, to finally reveal half conscious blue eyes.
'Yamada-san…' whispered Kira Izuru, clearly dazed. 'What… What happened?'
Hanatarou's smile became almost apologetic.
'You fainted, Lieutenant,' the healer explained gently. 'From exhaustion. Captain Hitsugaya found you…'
Upon hearing Hitsugaya's name, a strange glint appeared in Kira's eyes: a mixture of pain and panic. Toushirou noticed that, his lips drawing into a tight line.
'I… I have to go, Yamada-san,' said Kira meanwhile, trying to sit on the bed, but failing miserably. 'The wounded… need help…'
'With all due respect, Lieutenant, sir,' Yamada Hanatarou replied, stopping Kira's further attempts to rise with a surprisingly firm gesture, 'but you also need help. You won't be able to do much if you pass out again.'
Having said that, Hanatarou blushed fiercely, most probably disconcerted by his own boldness. Kira looked away and, from what Hitsugaya could tell, seemed ashamed of showing weakness. Toushirou decided to join the conversation.
'Yamada-san is a healer, Kira,' he put in firmly. 'He certainly knows what he's saying. If he claims you need rest, then you have no other choice but to comply with it.'
It sounded harsher than he planned, which had its effect on Kira, who seemed to shrink. Still, Hanatarou looked at the Tenth Division's Captain with gratitude.
'You shouldn't push yourself so hard, Lieutenant, sir,' the young officer added, softening Hitsugaya's previous words with his calm tone. 'You have to rest until you recover your strength… Please…'
For a moment Kira and Hanatarou only looked at each other; finally, the Lieutenant let out a quiet sigh.
'Alright, Yamada-san,' he whispered, sounding resigned. Deep in his heart Hitsugaya Toushirou sighed with relief.
'If you'd only need something, sir…' Hanatarou began; Kira, however, interrupted him with a weak gesture.
'No need for that, Yamada-san,' he said. 'I don't want to be a problem…'
A problem? Hitsugaya raised his eyebrows. Only Kira could think about himself like that in such situation! Hanatarou must have come to the same conclusion, for he expressed what was on Toushirou's mind before the latter even managed to open his mouth.
'A problem? Don't ever think like that, Lieutenant, sir! You deserve help as much as any other Shinigami!'
Toushirou started, seeing a shadow pass through Kira's face at the sound of these words. He squinted, but the odd grimace had already disappeared. Kira Izuru dropped his gaze.
'Alright, Yamada-san,' he repeated in a strangely emotionless tone. Hitsugaya felt a pang of anxiety. Kira's behavior worried him more with every passing minute. The Third Division's Lieutenant had always been secretive, yet now it looked as if he had completely withdrawn into himself. Toushirou cast a quick glance at Hanatarou, but even if the young healer had similar doubts, he didn't show them.
'We'll be leaving, then,' said the Fourth Division's officer, giving Kira a comforting, yet rather tentative, smile. 'Please… Please rest, Lieutenant, sir. Sleep will make you feel better.'
Having said that, the healer got up, heading for the door. All of a sudden, Toushirou hesitated.
'Yamada-san,' he began cautiously, 'would you mind if I stayed here for a bit?'
Hanatarou gave him a perplexed look.
'Alright, Captain, sir,' he replied at last, after eyeing Kira closely. 'But… Please do not weary him too much…' he added with a blush. He must have felt uneasy, giving orders to a Gotei 13 Captain.
Hitsugaya Toushirou nodded.
'Of course.'
When the door closed after Hanatarou, Toushirou stayed silent for a while, wondering what he should do now. He had mustered up the courage to finally face Kira, yet where should he start? What was he supposed to say? Should he apologize first? Or rather express his gratitude?
He bit his lip. However, before he had a chance to decide what to do, he heard Kira Izuru's soft whisper.
'Captain Hitsugaya…'
He shifted his gaze from the door to the Lieutenant. Kira was watching him closely; still, Hitsugaya couldn't really decipher the expression on his face. Actually, he preferred not to think about it for the time being. He sat on the edge of the bed.
'What do you think you're doing, Kira?' he began in his usual, rather harsh tone, trying to delay, even if just for a while, the difficult conversation that awaited him. 'To push yourself so hard… As an officer you should know better!'
Kira gave no reply and just kept looking at him with this unchanging, impossible to interpret expression in his eyes. Hitsugaya found it more and more unnerving with every passing moment, yet he went on.
'Have you thought of yourself at all? You might have killed yourself!'
Kira looked away. Toushirou rose from the bed and walked up to the curtained window. He was starting to wonder if he was really prepared for it. To tell the truth, he most wished to leave, even though he knew it would be cowardly of him. That way he would at least let Kira have some most needed rest…
'Captain Hitsugaya… You despise me, don't you…?' he heard all of a sudden.
Hitsugaya Toushirou froze, clearly shocked. He didn't expect such a beginning of their conversation. However, before he had time to think of some answer, Kira continued in a quiet, oddly dull voice.
'I know that… I don't deserve anything else, still… I wish to apologize for my lack of subordination… I had no right to interfere… much less to draw my sword… and against a higher-ranked officer on top of it… I defied Soul Society and I realize it's unforgivable… I apologize…'
Hitsugaya swallowed the lump in his throat.
'Do you… regret what has happened?' he asked hoarsely.
There was a long — too long — moment of silence before Kira finally replied.
'Is there any meaning to it now?' he whispered, his voice empty and emotionless.
Hitsugaya involuntarily clenched his fists. He couldn't believe it. How could one deny himself any worth and meaning to such lengths as Kira did?
He turned around slowly. Kira Izuru wasn't looking at him, his eyes staring somewhere into space.
'Kira…' began Toushirou cautiously, his voice quivering a little, much to the young Captain's surprise. 'Do you… Do you really believe all you say? You really… you really think so?'
Kira only bit his lip in a reply. He stayed silent.
Hitsugaya Toushirou felt his usual composure crumble.
'Answer, Kira,' he demanded, quietly, yet authoritatively. 'Answer me. Do you… Do you really think all you deserve is to be condemned? After all the things you have done… you have both done for our sake… you still see yourself as worthless? As the one to blame?'
He broke off. He couldn't understand it. Though he didn't knew Kira all that well, he was aware that the Lieutenant never boasted about his merits. Yet to completely deny oneself any credit… to see oneself only as a potential source of disaster… that was something Toushirou could not comprehend.
Yet, on the other hand — hadn't Hitsugaya himself denied Kira all credit either?
Hitsugaya Toushirou felt the blush creeping onto his cheeks. It had been so easy back then to deem Kira infatuated and unable to rationally estimate the situation. It had been so easy to see him as a fool, blinded by poorly placed feelings, which had affected his decisions as well… and yet hadn't Toushirou himself behaved in a similar way? Hadn't he also been blinded with his hatred to Ichimaru Gin, that had influenced all his actions?
He came closer, resting his hand on the chair's backrest. Kira still didn't reply.
Hitsugaya gave him a closer look. He had already noticed, back in the corridor, that the young Lieutenant didn't look well, but only now he could finally see the details: his gaunt, unnaturally pale face, sunken cheeks, dark rings under blue eyes.
He dropped his gaze. If only he'd had enough courage to treat Kira fairly… to tell him that he hadn't condemned his decision… that they had won partly thanks to him… If only he had been able to admit that it had been him, Hitsugaya, who had made the mistake and jumped to conclusions… that Kira hadn't been the one to blame…
Toushirou bit his lip, ashamed. He had chosen to hide himself behind a mask of cool haughtiness; he had let his prejudices take the better of him, instead of honestly admitting that he might have been wrong. Thus, he had taken away all meaning from Kira's deeds… he had denied him even one bit of gratitude… and so the Lieutenant, deprived of support, had quietly withdrawn to the background, lost in suffering and convinced about his own worthlessness.
Hitsugaya Toushirou closed his eyes for a moment, painfully gripping the backrest. He shouldn't have let it happen. That was his greatest sin.
'You are not the one who should apologize, Kira,' he said softly. 'It's… It's us who should beg your forgiveness. We owe you… both… Whole Soul Society owes you both so much… and yet we have treated you like…'
He trailed off, the words stuck in his throat. Kira slowly turned his head towards him.
'Captain…' he began, somewhat warily, as if he couldn't fully comprehend Hitsugaya's words. Toushirou took a deep breath.
'I'm sorry, Kira,' he whispered fervently, once again closing his eyes. He knew that if he didn't manage to tell everything now, he would never again find the courage to do it. 'I'm sorry. I'm a fool… We all are, but I'm the greatest one… I had no right to treat you like that, nor to despise you… You… You needed our help, and we… we rejected you… Please, forgive me, Kira… and let us help you…'
The silence that followed his words seemed to ring in his ears. Hitsugaya Toushirou hung his head, awaiting Kira's answer — whatever it was going to be. Yet, when the silence prolonged and the Lieutenant still said nothing, Toushirou dared to open his eyes and look at the other man.
Kira was looking at him, yet there was something strange in his gaze: alertness and wariness seeking for signs of betrayal in even the most innocent word, questioning the sincerity of even the noblest intentions.
Toushirou squinted, unable to understand it at first — and then the truth hit him, and he found himself blushing in shame.
Kira Izuru did not trust him.
Hitsugaya sighed. Now he understood whence Kira's former secretiveness came from. The invisible wall young Lieutenant had surrounded himself with was his defense against those who might want to hurt him. Or those who had already hurt him, as it was in Toushirou's case.
The Captain looked away. Kira had all the reasons not to trust him. And Hitsugaya himself was the only one to blame for that.
Pretty certain that he would get no other answer than the Lieutenant's distrustful gaze, Toushirou slowly headed for the door. Therefore he was quite surprised to hear Kira Izuru's soft voice.
'Everyone… must make their decision…'
Toushirou nodded with a sigh. It seemed that was all he could count on at the moment. Maybe he had managed to take the first step, but he knew there was still a long way before he regained at least some of Kira's trust.
'Rest, Kira,' he whispered, about to open the door — and then he remembered one more thing. He turned back, coming closer to the bed.
'Kira…' he said, almost shyly. Now he wasn't speaking as the Tenth Division's Captain but merely as Hitsugaya Toushirou. 'I… I'd like to thank you… for helping Matsumoto… and Hinamori… Thank you for saving their lives…'
For a while Kira Izuru just watched him in silence, before he smiled — and Hitsugaya started, for it was the saddest smile he had ever seen.
'I managed to save them at least…' whispered Kira in a completely different tone than before; and then he looked up, meeting Toushirou's gaze for the first time since the start of their conversation.
Hitsugaya Toushirou, the Captain of the Tenth Division, had faced many opponents in his life, and there was little that could shake him. Yet nothing had prepared him for this look in Kira's eyes. He barely fought off the urge to step back.
Kira Izuru's eyes seemed empty, but there was despair hidden in their depths, as well as immense, inconsolable sadness. A cold shiver ran down Toushirou's back, yet at the same time the young Captain finally made his decision.
He couldn't just let it be. The wall Kira had built around himself might be his means of defense; still, on the other hand, it didn't let others see the Lieutenant's suffering — even those who truly wanted to help him. And so they didn't notice anything, while Kira Izuru was withdrawing more and more into himself, pushing all the emotions to the bottom of his heart in a desperate attempt to escape despair. He should be turned back from this road before it was too late. And Hitsugaya Toushirou planned to help him with it.
'Don't think so bad of yourself, Kira,' he said quietly. 'You had no reason to… even if the fools claim otherwise.'
He felt a pang of disappointment when Kira dropped down his gaze, but moments later Hitsugaya became aware of the true reason behind such reaction. This time the Lieutenant didn't reject his words; it was the exhaustion that once again took its toll. Toushirou realized he should withdraw for now.
'See you, Kira,' he whispered before closing the door. Kira didn't reply, already asleep. Hitsugaya quietly left the room, took a deep breath.
He was going to deserve Kira Izuru's trust — and he would do anything to gain it.
He took a few steps forward and suddenly stopped dead in his tracks, clenching his fists.
Even if… Even if he had to clear Ichimaru Gin's name himself.