Ch. 2 So Here I Am
I am startled my a soft knock on my door and I jerk upright in a panic. It isn't until I hear my name being whispered, that I bother to open my eyes. There, sitting on the edge of my bed is Martha.
"I didn't mean to scare you honey. I just wanted to check on you and let you know that dinner is ready. And Mr. Castle just got home."
"It's ok. And thanks. I'll be right out." I rub my eyes and push my hair back. She smiles before she leaves and I smile in response.
I take a deep breath and allow myself to look at the clock. It's 7:00 P.M. I realize that I have been asleep for six hours. No wonder she bothered with me. I haven't eaten all day and I come to the conclusion that I am starving. I kick my feet off my bed and flip the lamp on and decide to change. I unzip my backpack and pull out a pink t-shirt that Cher bought me on our last school clothes shopping trip. It fits comfortably and I leave my new room.
The smells from the kitchen are wafting through the entire house and I am immediately hit with them. It smells like pasta of some sort and I pick up my pace. I walk through the living room and make my way into the kitchen.
"Oh good, you're up. We were just about to eat. Have a seat." Martha points to the dining room and when I walk in, Alexis and Rick are already seated at the table. Alexis sprints to me and knocks into my legs.
I smile and pat her back and she releases her grip. "Will you read to me tonight? Rick usually does but I want my sissy to." She smiles so proudly when she says it that I don't think anyone has ever let her down.
"She isn't your sister." Rick says it so bitterly that I take a step backward like he just hit me.
"Uh-huh." She seems so certain that I don't have the heart to say no.
"Sure I will." She seems delighted and pulls me into another hug.
"Alexis, sit down." I hear a man's voice behind me and I turn around to see someone, who must be Mr. Castle.
"Hello. You must be Kate. My name is Jackson." He hands out his hand and I shake it, studying him as I do. He is a spitting image of Rick and I just stare in amazement.
"Oh, Jack. Let her sit down. Kate, I hope you like spaghetti." Martha sets a big pot in the middle of the table and I can feel my stomach grumble.
"I do. Thank you." I wait till I am handed a big pasta bowl full before I reach for my fork.
"Kate? We say grace before we eat." Martha doesn't say it as if I have no manners. She is just keeping me well informed. I nod and wait till Rick opens his mouth.
"Dear God, we thank you for this meal and all the things you provide for us everyday. We thank you for our new addition, Kate, and hopefully you will watch out for her the way you've watched out for us. Amen."
"Amen." I whisper. The last time I said grace was when I was ten, the day my parents died.
I happily eat my meal while I watch and listen to them talk about their day. I used to do this exact thing with my parents. Even if they were a part of whatever I was talking about they would listen like they had no idea of any of it.
The table goes quiet and it takes me a second to realize they were talking to me.
"Kate?" I look at Martha and shake my head.
"Sorry."
"That's fine. But, I was letting you know that tomorrow I am going to get you registered at Rick's high school. Tonight I have a performance but Mr. Castle will be here if you need anything. Ok?"
"Yeah. Thanks again. I really appreciate it." I don't sound fake because I am trying not to. I am generously grateful for them. They're the first family I have felt comfortable with. And after dinner I can see why. They really love each other, so much in fact that they all say goodnight to Alexis, together.
I am busy in my room, unpacking and trying to not wrinkle my clothes when Jackson, knocks on my door. I let him enter and he smiles at my clothes.
"Some great bands you got there. Where did you get them all?" He picks up a Ramones shirt and laughs to himself.
"My dad. They were all his. He was big on his music. I am too." He hands me back the shirt and I carefully fold it and toss it in my stack.
"Alexis said you promised to read to her. I tried to read to her but she insisted it be you. Do you mind?"
"Not at all and I did promise." He points me in the direction of her room and I smell the lavender soap before I even walk through the door.
"Kate!" I sit down on the bed next to her and she hands me a big book with fairytales in it. "Can you read my favorite?"
"What's your favorite? Mine is Sleeping Beauty." She seems shocked and I figure out why. "Is yours Sleeping Beauty too?"
"Yes! I told you we are sisters." She waits until I crack open the book before she snuggles up to me. Her little head is rested on my stomach and I hold the book high enough to not hit her.
"Once upon a time there lived a King and a Queen." I maybe make it to the second page before I hear her soft whisper of breath. I realize that she has fallen asleep. I set the book on the night table and lift her up and over. I try not to wake her and flip off her light as I leave. But before I turn back to my room, I stand there and watch her sleep. She is so small and fragile that I almost cry. Her red hair is sprawled across her pillow and I smile. She pulls her bunny closer to her and I leave before she wakes up.
I step inside my room, close the door behind me, and start to cry. She has her parents still and mine died because of me. I know I didn't give you the entire story. Here it goes.
I found out that they were on their way to a bookstore to pick me up a new book. I found out because as they were almost there, some idiot was drunk and crashed into them, head on. They died instantly. They didn't suffer but I was left to. I would have given up reading but I couldn't. I know my parents would be disappointed. I know they would be mad at me for blaming myself but I can't help it. It was my fault. I stopped crying after that but every once in a while, I catch myself doing just that.
I put what little clothes I brought into one of the drawers and change into a t-shirt with Iron Man on it and a pair of red and gold boxer shorts. They're my usual sleepwear, a t-shirt and a pair of boxers. After I am changed I decide to brush my teeth. I pull my toothbrush out of my bag and walk down the hall to the bathroom that all three of us kids use.
And as I do, I hear soft music. I tip-toe to the room it's coming from and I peek inside the open crack. I see Rick sitting in a chair, strumming a guitar. He hums a melody and I hear how beautiful it is. I don't leave right away, I just stand there, listening. The muscles in his arms move as he hits each note and I can feel my heart beating heavily. I stumble into the door, and it creaks open.
"What are you doing?" He just looks at me and I get nervous. More like embarrassed, so I bolt. I walk into the bathroom and close the door and lean back against it. I feel stupid and my cheeks are bright red and I feel warm, everywhere.
The door opens and sends me tipping forward. He steps in but doesn't say anything until the door is closed behind him. He crosses his arms over his chest and I take notice of what he is wearing. Just a plain white t-shirt and a pair of boxers, but his are blue and green.
"Why were you spying on me?" I don't say anything but just stand there dumbfounded. "I don't appreciate it."
"I was just surprised. You sounded beautiful." I think for a minute that he is going to get angry but he just laughs.
"Beautiful? That's one word for it. I thought you were spying. Sorry." He smiles before he goes to leave but then stops himself.
"What? Aren't you mad at me?" I cross my arms against my chest but he just walks closer to me and smiles.
"I don't get mad that easily. Just don't surprise me anymore. Ok?" He doesn't wait for me to answer before he leaves. The door is closed after him and I let out the breath I was holding. My whole body is broke out in goose bumps and I shiver. I quickly brush my teeth and head back to bed. But I don't sleep. I lie there, awake all night. When the clock hits 2:00 A.M. I give up and allow my eyes to close. Wish I hadn't.
I am dreaming of my parents then it flashes to the cops telling me they're dead. I don't deny it, I know they are. I knew they were. But when they tell me, I blame them at first. Then it flashes back and forth. My dad smiling at me and dancing with me. My mom is singing to me then it goes dark. I try to call for them but they don't answer. I just hear crying and then the room grows entirely too bright and I see the wreck. It was like it was in the newspaper but it is really sharp in focus. I am standing in front of their bleeding bodies and am begging them to come back but they just stare. I start to cry and feel like I can't breathe. The room grows cold and I start shaking. I scream for it to stop but it doesn't.
A hand is shaking me awake and I can barely hear my name.
"Kate! Wake up Kate! It's just a dream! Everything is ok!" I snap my eyes open and Martha is there, already dressed for the morning. "You're ok honey." She rubs my head like any mother would and for a minute I let myself go. She pulls me into her arms and I cry on her shoulder. I heave and she is rubbing my back and trying to calm me down.
"They wouldn't answer me. I, I couldn't breathe." She shushes me and I let her comfort me. I let her hold me and let myself cry on her shoulder.
"You're ok now. I'm here. I won't leave you." She continues to rub my back and then kisses my head. "Are you ok now? It was just a nightmare." I hear my door creak open and Alexis's head pops in.
"Mommy? Is Kate ok?" There are fresh tears on her face and I feel bad. I hate myself for making her cry.
"I'm ok Alexis. It was just a nightmare." She looks confused and I force myself to explain. "You know a not nice dream. Ever have one of those?"
"Yes. They're scary. I don't like them." She is clutching her blue bunny and her hand is on my doorknob.
"That's what I had. I was just scared. You can come in if you want." She runs to me and throws herself into my lap and squeezes me.
"I love you Kate. I won't let the mean dreams get you." I rub her back and Martha smiles at me.
"Thanks Alexis. Love you too." I wrap my arms around her and pull her closer.
"You two should get an hour more of sleep because I will be waking you both up in no time." I look at the clock and see it's 6:00 A.M. I nod and she goes to grab Alexis but she increases her grip on me.
"No mommy! I need to protect Kate." She looks up at me like she is scared for my life and I let her stay. She crawls under the covers beside me and snuggles into my arms.
"Ok then. Goodnight girls." Martha turns out my light and leaves us to get more sleep. She leaves my door open a crack and my eyes drift closed as her footsteps fade.
When I wake, Martha is standing over Alexis and me and is holding a finger to her lips. She just didn't want to startle me and I am grateful. She points to my clock and I see that it's five past seven. I nod and let her wake up Alexis.
Alexis opens her eyes and smiles right away. She looks up at me and hugs me before sliding off the bed. "Good morning Mommy. Morning Kate." She waves to me and leaves my room but Martha stays.
"I know it is the last thing you want to do on a Saturday but we do need to get you registered. But, Jackson made breakfast and I would like it if you'd join us." I look at her, already dressed in jeans and look down at my clothes. "Nonsense. Everybody else is still in their pajamas." She takes the covers off me and pulls me up and out of bed.
She walks the whole way to the kitchen with her arm around my shoulders and a smile on her face. I feel like I could actually make this place work and I smile back at her, though she doesn't see me, I think she just knows. When we reach the table, again I see everyone already sitting down. I take my seat beside Alexis, just like the night before and she offers me a big smile.
We say grace and I eat eggs and sausage. Alexis takes a link off my plate and I don't get upset, I just laugh. She whispers to keep quiet and Martha didn't catch her but Rick did. And to be kind, he tosses one of his links on my plate. He waves it off like to say "Don't mention it".
After breakfast, I was told to be ready to go in ten minutes. I quickly brushed my teeth, washed my face, and brushed my hair out. I left it down and went back to my room to get changed. I was now going to be going to Hunter College High School with Rick and there was a campus elementary school that Alexis is going to. I didn't know how to dress. How fancy was this school? Would I have to wear a uniform? I was clearly out of my element so I went with what I knew.
I slid on my favorite pair of jeans and dug around for my dad's vintage bowling shirt. It is black and white and has the name, Strike, on it but it is my most comfortable shirt. I slip my iPod into my pocket along with my ear buds and leave the comfort of my room. I will be starting my second semester of Junior year in a new school. Fun! Not. I walk back into the living room where Martha is waiting for me and smile.
"You look so cool." She offers me a warm and comforting smile and I slide my feet into my sneakers. "I was thinking, after we get you all setup, why not go shopping. New clothes are always fun." I turn around and catch Rick and Alexis following us out. "Alexis loves to go shopping and Rick thought he would go too. I hope you don't mind."
"Not at all." I thought Rick would take the front seat but he opens the door for me and slides in back with Alexis. "Thanks." We stay pretty quiet the whole ride there until Rick leans forward and flips the radio on. "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons comes on and I allow myself to sing along.
"This road never looked so lonely, this house doesn't burn down slowly, to ashes, to ashes." I tap my hand on my knee and wait for my favorite part, where it slows down and is only clapping. I feel eyes on me and I am right. Rick and Alexis are staring and I catch glimpses of Martha's face. "What?"
"Who knew you could sing? Darling, if you ask me, you got it."
"Crap." I catch the words fly out of Rick's mouth and I smile to myself. Maybe I could really allow myself to be a part of this family.
After I got registered, I was handed a list with all my classes and found out Rick and I shared most of the same ones. I was happy to know at least one person but was nervous because just being near him, I get easily distracted. So much for passing any of my classes. Another high note, no uniforms.
Martha took me to Coup de Coeur for new clothing and I was happy to see normal clothes. I found some really cool tank tops and some skinny jeans but Martha warned me not to get too much in one place. I picked out two tank tops, one was pink and black striped and the other was long and flowed out, with a big green tree on it. I got two pairs of black skinny jeans when Alexis handed me a dress. I was nervous because I don't usually wear them but I tried it on anyway. They made me model it and I came out in a sky blue dress and the back was crisscrossed rectangles. The dress's back looked like a checkerboard and I actually loved myself in it. They both insisted I get it and when I caught Rick looking at me, something was in his eyes that I couldn't explain.
After we left there, Martha said our journey wasn't complete. She made one last stop, Strawberry and immediately I felt in my element. I browsed the many different racks of clothes and everyone brought me things to try on. Alexis found cool t-shirts with random pictures on them. Martha brought me some jeans and dresses. Rick brought me slutty things, a few halter tops and leather skirts. He laughed when he handed them to me so I knew he was kidding but I still wanted him to get me to put them on.
I tried on a few t-shirts I liked and all the jeans that fit me. I even tried on a few dresses. They were funky and edgy and were totally my style. I ended up picking three. I was modeling the last dress when I caught a couple of girls snickering at me. I don't know what they were saying but I could only guess. I quickly changed back into my clothes I wore there and abandoned the dressing room. Martha stayed in the store as did Alexis but Rick followed me out.
"You know my mom is in there buying all the clothes you liked. Why did you bolt anyway?" I didn't look at him but just kept my head down. I let my hair shield my eyes but he pulled it back behind my ears.
Hot tears stained my cheeks and he let my hair go. "Those girls back there were making fun of me. I usually just tell them to fuck off but, I felt naked in there." I stop my crying because I don't want him to see me like this. I turn my back to him as I wipe the tears from my face.
He turns me around and forces me to look at him. "They were just jealous that you happen to be way better than them."
"I am not better than them. You can stop fucking with me."
"One, stop swearing and two, you certainly are better looking than them. Besides, they have no boobs and you," He stopped himself and let my shoulders go. His cheeks turned red and he just leaned against the brick wall next to me.
Martha stepped out of the store, bags in hand, and looked me over. "Those girls are jerks anyway." She dropped the bags in the trunk and I slid in the backseat with Alexis. I just wanted to listen to my iPod and forget the way he looked at me. Because I couldn't let anything develop between us. That was the way it had to be.
But Rick scooted next to me and laid his hand on my knee and squeezed. He leaned into my ear and gently whispered, "I am right here. Remember that." He squeezed my knee once more then hopped in the passenger seat, leaving me completely confused. He's right here? What does that mean to me? My knee is on fire from where his palm was and I feel my heart beat faster and I start to loose my breath. I thought he didn't like me, now he does? Shit! So, here I am, means what to me, exactly?