Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
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A certain Severus Snape was scowling darkly and kicking every living thing he saw on the way back to his office. Him, teach sex ed? What had Dumbledore been thinking? His scowl darkened as he remembered exactly what had happened.
The headmaster had called him to his office. He recalled how the stupid stone gargoyle refused to let him in. Finally, after bruising about seven of his toes (guess what he was doing), Dumbledore had come up smiling in that obnoxiously cheesy way of his, and told him that the password was "octopusical." What the hell was that supposed to be? What happened to the tradition of making the password different names for concentrated glucose? And then, in Dumbledore's office, the headmaster had said-
"Hello? Professor Snape?" Wait, that wasn't what he had said.
Snape was interrupted from his rather painful memory quite suddenly.
"Um, Professor, sir, why are you walking into the girl's bathrooms?"
It was Potter, trotting along with him. He had obviously been following him for some time.
"What?" he snapped back, annoyed.
"Uh, you're still walking into the girl's lavatories."
"Wha-oh." He was indeed standing in front of a frilly looking pink and purple door with pictures depicting unicorns and bunny rabbits using the toilet. Another one of Dean Thomas's works, no doubt. Potter was still looking at him strangely.
"What are you staring at?" he asked irritably, and before Potter could say another word, he went on and said, "Detention, two weeks, with Filch, Potter. Hmm... I think I should take 500 points from Gryffindor as well." Potter opened his mouth in protest, or was it shock? - well either one was good. Ooh, look, now Potter was making weird faces by opening and closing his mouth a couple hundred times and emitting strange eeps. Pah, he'd take a picture later. There were more important things to do and ponder at the moment.
All the same, he walked away, feeling... considerably happier. Gryffindor should be somewhere around -500 points. It was, after all, only the first week of school.
It wasn't until minutes later when he realized that he hadn't even kicked Potter. He considered going back, but then decided against it. He had better things to kick, anyway.
Anyway, where was he? Ah, yes. His anger returned as he saw Dumbledore's stupid face swimming around in his mind, saying, "You have done an excellent job with your classes, Severus, and after carefully thinking about it, I've decided to give you a new position at this school. You were obviously the best choice, since you're so wonderful with the students. Why, we even had a staff meeting and voted on it. Of course, it was unanimous, everyone thought that you were the perfect one for the job."
"Your point, Headmaster?" Snape had asked politely - as politely as he could, anyway. Dumbledore's rant was completely pointless and was making him think that something bad was about to happen. Ohh, he didn't know how right he would be.
"Well, from now on, instead of teaching Potions, you will be teaching Sexual Education to some of our more...needy students. I'm afraid that some of them just haven't got a clue on what to do and what not to do, so you'll teach them all about that, safety, and the other... technical matters." He had said all of this with a wide smile plastered on his pathetic face.
Snape growled as he say it in his already very disturbed mind again, at the same time viciously kicking Dennis Creevy. The other students thought it best to leave the ex-potions master alone. Little did they know they would soon know him by a different title.
"As you know, you are not longer the Potions Master," Dumbledore had said later on.
"So from now on you will be known as the Se- er, just Professor Snape will be fine, I think. You will receive a pamphlet tomorrow telling you the curriculum and class standards. I hear that they are quite demanding. So, uh, bye!" Then he had shoved Snape out of his office.
"Ooo, that Albus Dumbledore," said Snape fiercely, forgetting about where he was, which was, incidentally, in the middle of a hall packed with students. He looked up at the sky and shouted, "You will pay, Dumby- doofus, mark my words. You. Will. Pay!!!!" He shook his fist angrily at the nonexistent person up there, his breathing ragged.
At this point all students were staying at least thirteen and a half feet away from the enraged Sex Master. actually, let's just call him Professor Snape for now, like Dumbledore suggested. It's just easier that way, isn't it?
*~*~*~*~*~*
Woohoo! That was my first attempt at an HP fic. Please tell me what you think of it!
*~*~*~*~*~*
A certain Severus Snape was scowling darkly and kicking every living thing he saw on the way back to his office. Him, teach sex ed? What had Dumbledore been thinking? His scowl darkened as he remembered exactly what had happened.
The headmaster had called him to his office. He recalled how the stupid stone gargoyle refused to let him in. Finally, after bruising about seven of his toes (guess what he was doing), Dumbledore had come up smiling in that obnoxiously cheesy way of his, and told him that the password was "octopusical." What the hell was that supposed to be? What happened to the tradition of making the password different names for concentrated glucose? And then, in Dumbledore's office, the headmaster had said-
"Hello? Professor Snape?" Wait, that wasn't what he had said.
Snape was interrupted from his rather painful memory quite suddenly.
"Um, Professor, sir, why are you walking into the girl's bathrooms?"
It was Potter, trotting along with him. He had obviously been following him for some time.
"What?" he snapped back, annoyed.
"Uh, you're still walking into the girl's lavatories."
"Wha-oh." He was indeed standing in front of a frilly looking pink and purple door with pictures depicting unicorns and bunny rabbits using the toilet. Another one of Dean Thomas's works, no doubt. Potter was still looking at him strangely.
"What are you staring at?" he asked irritably, and before Potter could say another word, he went on and said, "Detention, two weeks, with Filch, Potter. Hmm... I think I should take 500 points from Gryffindor as well." Potter opened his mouth in protest, or was it shock? - well either one was good. Ooh, look, now Potter was making weird faces by opening and closing his mouth a couple hundred times and emitting strange eeps. Pah, he'd take a picture later. There were more important things to do and ponder at the moment.
All the same, he walked away, feeling... considerably happier. Gryffindor should be somewhere around -500 points. It was, after all, only the first week of school.
It wasn't until minutes later when he realized that he hadn't even kicked Potter. He considered going back, but then decided against it. He had better things to kick, anyway.
Anyway, where was he? Ah, yes. His anger returned as he saw Dumbledore's stupid face swimming around in his mind, saying, "You have done an excellent job with your classes, Severus, and after carefully thinking about it, I've decided to give you a new position at this school. You were obviously the best choice, since you're so wonderful with the students. Why, we even had a staff meeting and voted on it. Of course, it was unanimous, everyone thought that you were the perfect one for the job."
"Your point, Headmaster?" Snape had asked politely - as politely as he could, anyway. Dumbledore's rant was completely pointless and was making him think that something bad was about to happen. Ohh, he didn't know how right he would be.
"Well, from now on, instead of teaching Potions, you will be teaching Sexual Education to some of our more...needy students. I'm afraid that some of them just haven't got a clue on what to do and what not to do, so you'll teach them all about that, safety, and the other... technical matters." He had said all of this with a wide smile plastered on his pathetic face.
Snape growled as he say it in his already very disturbed mind again, at the same time viciously kicking Dennis Creevy. The other students thought it best to leave the ex-potions master alone. Little did they know they would soon know him by a different title.
"As you know, you are not longer the Potions Master," Dumbledore had said later on.
"So from now on you will be known as the Se- er, just Professor Snape will be fine, I think. You will receive a pamphlet tomorrow telling you the curriculum and class standards. I hear that they are quite demanding. So, uh, bye!" Then he had shoved Snape out of his office.
"Ooo, that Albus Dumbledore," said Snape fiercely, forgetting about where he was, which was, incidentally, in the middle of a hall packed with students. He looked up at the sky and shouted, "You will pay, Dumby- doofus, mark my words. You. Will. Pay!!!!" He shook his fist angrily at the nonexistent person up there, his breathing ragged.
At this point all students were staying at least thirteen and a half feet away from the enraged Sex Master. actually, let's just call him Professor Snape for now, like Dumbledore suggested. It's just easier that way, isn't it?
*~*~*~*~*~*
Woohoo! That was my first attempt at an HP fic. Please tell me what you think of it!