This story is an explanation for the out of place relationship of Olivia and Tucker. It is set at the end of the season 17 finale.
She sat down heavily in her chair, her elbows resting uncomfortably on the hard wood of her desk, her head dropping into her hands. Her headaches were worsening, day by day the throbbing pain seemed to never ease.
She massaged her temples, exhaling deeply and slowly, emptying her mind as she tried to relax and let go of whatever it was that seemed to plague her with the tension which was causing her constant headaches.
Leaning back in her chair, she sighed as she rested and allowed her arms to sink into the soft arm rests. Feeling her tired, aching muscles relax against the soft leather of the chair, she took a moment to pause.
She allowed her gaze to drift out through her open door; to the squad room. A room which had been a very big part of her life for eighteen years.
Eighteen years. With such a long expanse of time, she should have realised. She should have spotted the cracks, the errors. Noticed that something wasn't quite right.
With each passing day, a growing sense of unease took tighter and tighter hold of Olivia - something felt wrong.
It frightened her at times - the way she tried so hard but failed. She failed to piece her memories together - her thoughts were disjointed, her choices felt alien. There was a strange fog around her yet she couldn't make sense of it - she couldn't make sense of very much anymore.
She squeezed her eyes tightly closed as she dropped her hands to her lap and took a slow, deep breath - soon she would go out there - Into that squad room, with its odd contrast of familiarity and the unnerving incongruous atmosphere.
She would do her best to ignore the biting pain in her head, the unsettled feeling In the pit of her stomach, which made her nauseous at times, and brief them on their latest case. She would run the squad room with confidence, and be their leader. They could not be allowed to realise her struggle, her fear for her own mind.
These people - these people who at times seemed out of place in her world - their roles seemed ever changing, or their memories faded and becoming confused, polluted, lost.
She strained to remember at times - the people she cared about, who were once so important, so vital in her life; their stories….their stories seemed lost because in the hazy recesses of her mind, she simply could not remember the details anymore.
Yet their voices - they remained on the edge of her mind, like muffled whispers, never quite wanting to leave her despite their physical absence in her life.
She heard them - all of them, and over time, as her world became stranger and stranger, the people she knew had left one by one. With each one who left her, the voices became louder.
She had not spoken to her psychiatrist about this - in the years..the years, that these feelings had been growing, she kept them locked tightly in her mind. She was certain that she would be out straight on medical leave if she opened up about her feelings of unreality, the voices, and her difficulties with remembering events, and people - everything beyond the last five years - it was so clouded.
She often wondered whether the bullet she had taken when Jenna Fox open fired that day had caused more damage than they had picked up on at the time.
It scared her - she had contemplated visiting a doctor, sharing her concerns, having tests, in case there was a physical cause, but she feared the result. Instead, she sucked it up, doing her best to ignore it, and that had worked at first.
Now though, now, nothing was working.
Her world was wrong.
She woke one morning, a biting pain In her head, after a strange disjointed dream in which John Munch was speaking to her - his voice, a distant echo, joking at first, light, humorous, but strained. The underlying tone in his voice bore a strange concern that unsettled her.
She woke, her mind rushing with strange thoughts of her IAB captain - a man she had not known on a personal level in any way, and certainly never wished to. A man who had tried to ruin her professionally and personally...and not just her. Other people whom she cared for. ..people who were important to her….but her mind couldn't piece it together.
She awoke to a text from him,thanking her for drinks, hoping they could do it again.
It made no sense.
This was not her life.
She stood up slowly, and walked towards the door, her gaze still wandering around the portion of the squad room that was visible through her doorway.
She leant against the wall, obscured from direct line of sight from most of the prying eyes that could casually glance her way, as she tried to shake the fog from her mind.
It was becoming harder to clear her head - and her dreams; the distant echoes, voices so familiar and so right. They filled her with a sense of reality that daily life seemed to lack. There were days where she found herself wanting to sleep, just so she could feel that comfort that the voices in her dreams brought her.
She knew a preoccupation with her dreams was not healthy, but neither was a desire to sleep all the time, and that was something she would happily succumb to.
Taking a deep, cleansing breath, she pushed her door open the rest of the way, and walked out into the squadroom. Preparing to do what she did every day - push her fears for herself to the side, and keep going.
Olivia Benson's Apartment
She fell asleep quickly that night - not getting as far as her bedroom as weariness took hold fast, she fell asleep watching TV with the remote in her hand, her finger on the mute button.
She slept on the couch more and more as time went on. She was glad it was just her and Noah - a young child wouldn't ask her why she didn't sleep in her bedroom anymore
She knew why.
She knew in the deepest recesses over mind, that it wasn't her bedroom.
This wasn't her apartment.
This wasn't her life.
She pondered how unstable she sounded as she drifted off to sleep, yearning for the warm familiarity of her dreams. Longing to leave the world behind; a world she knew that she simply didn't belong in.
Her dreams did not let her down - they brought the comfort of familiarity, warmth, love, a sense of belonging that she seemingly hadn't felt in years.
John Munch's voice was still there - the tinge of worry seeming heavier now. It coloured his voice, despite the tone of humor.
"Come on Liv, this jokes getting pretty tired now. There a far less dramatic ways to get out of paperwork." he paused, exhaling heavily, "Stabler's driving us all crazy - you don't want to be responsible for the entire one six being forced onto medical leave because your partner has driven us all to Huang's office. Seriously Liv, the queue outside his door is a mile long."
A sound nearby grew slowly louder, and footsteps filled the room, stopping somewhere close by.
"I didn't mean to interrupt," Cragen said with a sigh, "where's Elliot?"
"It seems he finally took your advice and got some rest. Dont get too excited that he actually followed your order though - he's only next door." Munch said, the light tone to his voice still there, but wavering slightly with the effort it was becoming obvious he was battling with.
"Well, "sighed Cragen, "you should get some rest too - i'll take over for a bit. I don't need you all exhausted if another case comes in."
The voices faded, becoming muffled and faint, as Olivia struggled to focus, keep their voices from disappearing, keep them from disappearing.
She was swiftly filled with a wave of sorrow as their voices faded completely out.
She woke, keeping her eyes closed, hoping that she would return to her dream, but she was unable to fall back asleep. Laying awake, her thoughts danced around inside her head, not giving her a moments reprieve to just switch off and sleep.
She missed them. She didn't understand where they had gone - everything and everyone around her had changed, and her friends, her family, the people who were such a big, valued part of her life for so many years; they had walked away one by one.
Munch and Cragen had emerged - fleetingly, too fleetingly, but they had come back, and that gave her a sense of comfort and grounding.
Her partner though. It hurt too much if her thoughts drifted to him. At times she felt clarity - her fog would clear, and she would begin to feel a sense of panic creeping up on her.
Because the last time she saw Elliot Stabler there were bullets, shouting, shock and chaos. After that...after that she remembered nothing until Amanda arrived. Everything changed then, it was off kilter but bearable. She carried on, even when Cragen told her that Elliot was not coming back - because it was all that she knew to do.
She called him - a sense of foreboding filing her more with each unanswered call, but eventually, she stopped.
She only reached out for a short while, but as often as she tried, he never heard her.
Cragen and Munch left. Elliot didn't answer her calls and she never saw him again.
It didn't make sense. People simply didn't act that way - and that had been the first red flag for Olivia.
SQUAD ROOM
Olivia tensed and expelled a hard breath, walking out of her office and toward Fins desk with determination. She could not waste the opportunity - she had tied him up with paperwork, biding her time until they were alone.
Stopping a few yards short of his desk, she spoke, her voice confident and not betraying her true emotional state, "Fin - I need to talk to you." she began.
Fin looked up, sighing as he dropped his pen to his desk without a moments thought. "What's up?"
"Let's go to my office."
Fin frowned, pausing for a moment before standing up and waiting for her to lead the way.
"You ok Liv?" he asked.
"Fine," she replied hastily, before turning with a moment of slight hesitation, and walking back to her office.
Fin shook his head as he watched her retreat, her door remaining open. Following her, he entered her office and with a glance, noting the concern in her eyes, he closed the door.
She remained silent at first as Fin watched her, until she finally brought her eyes to his, looking at him with determination, yet uncertainty.
"Where is everyone Fin?" she asked, her voice quiet and uncertain now.
"Rollins is on vacation till tomorrow, you sent Carisi home….gotta ask why, coz he was down for desk tonight."
"No, that's not what I meant Fin," she said as she moved to stand in front of him, leaning back against her desk slightly, her voice sounding stronger now, as she finally reached a point she knew she could not come back from.
"Nick, where is he? What's he doing?"
"Nick? California last I heard - why? You worried about him?" Fin asked, confused by the turn of conversation.
"Nick? No, I'm not worried...i'm just, confused really Fin. Munch, Cragen, Casey, Alex...Elliot, how can people be such a big part of your life, and then just not be here anymore? It doesn't make sense." she said, choosing her words carefully,
"People move on liv. Things can't stay the same forever."
"People move on,retire, get promoted all the time, but they stay in your life! Around here - they just disappear. Don't you think its strange? I can't even.." she paused, taking a breath as she became quickly flustered, noting the flash of concern from Fin.
"I can't remember things properly. About….about Elliot, and I get confused. It's like I remember his name, basic facts about him, but us? Who he was to me? Who he is as a person...the kind of man he is?" She paused, realising that she was trembling slightly.
"Its' like I am piecing it all together wrong - piecing him together so he's not the he man he was. I know I am remembering him wrong Fin. I don't expect this to make sense - just answer me one question, and I swear to you, it will help me out. Just tell me, because it's all a blank in my mind - what happened in the squadroom that day? When Jenna started shooting."
Fin looked at her with concern. "Liv, you don't remember?"
"Nothing Fin, It's...I can't even recall a moment of that day."
"Shit Olivia, in five years? You gotta talk to someone, that aint right, it's hard to think about it, even now, but you gotta. You can't block that out."
"Block what out Fin?" Olivia asked, her voice dropping to a whisper as her trembling increased visibly - the familiar sense of unease creeping up her spine.
"Liv," he said, his voice laced with concern "what are you asking me? Are you asking me about your injury? Or about Elliot?"
Olivia felt tears prickling behind her eyes, and her voice caught in her throat as an unexpected wave of panic flooded her senses in one fell swoop. Her heart thudded heavily as she stared hard at Fin, "I don't remember getting shot, but I know I did - all I remember from that day is the pain in the side of my head. I know I took a bullet. That's not what I need to know. You must see how disjointed this all is. Tell me where Elliot is Fin."
Fin placed a hand on her arm and took hold firmly as he looked at her with grave concern, "You've asked me this before…"
Olivia looked at him in surprise, 'I have?"
"Yeah," Fin sighed, "you're forgetting stuff a lot. Look, come with me Liv, let me show you something," his voice dropping and fading slightly as she strained to hear him "you need to end this now. It's been too long Liv. You gotta make a decision," He paused, watching her closely.
She blinked, startled as his voice became suddenly muffled - a strange shuffle of movement surrounding her.
"Huang's on overtime with this mess, Munch ain't kidding about Stabler, he's losing it."
Olivia's eyes widened as she stared at him in alarm, "what?!"
Fin watched her cautiously, "I said, I need to show you something. Come on, it's just out here in the squad room."
Olivia let Fin lead her out of her office, his hand on her arm as he guided her over to a wall filled with plaques and records of achievements of squad members.
She followed mutely, confused and scared by his sudden change - by the words so connected to her dreams. Her own state of mind was beginning to frighten her - something was gravely wrong.
"You can't do this to yourself Liv, look at it. You gotta take a look."
Olivia turned to look at the wall, her eyes moving cautiously around until she felt Fin guide her closer, one hand on her arm as his other rested on the frame of a large plaque. Her eyes Instinctively closed as tears flooded behind them.
"You need to see this Liv, you need to open your eyes and look. Just open your eyes."
Olivia let a sob escape her as her tears fell fast, "I can't, I can't do it. Tell me, just tell me..tell me he handed his papers in," she paused as her words became harder to say, her breath hitching in her throat as she fought through her agony to finish, "tell me he...he just left. He walked away, like everyone else did. He lived Fin…he lived..and he's an asshole who turned his back on me and left. And I'm…. an idiot for not even trying very hard to find him….but he wouldn't have cared...because if he did..he would have called me…."
"That make sense to you? Coz It don't make any sense to me Liv. Stabler wouldn't do that."
"He HAD to Fin," she said, battling through her tears and the shaking that was coursing through her whole body now, as she allowed her eyes to open, but remain firmly fixed on the ground, "because the other option, is too horrible. I need him to be the man who just turned his back on me one day and left without a word. I need that. That is reality Fin - that's what I can handle."
"No you don't Liv, you don't wanna remember him like that, that's not who he was." his voice dropped, the gentle tone unsettling Olivia even further, "just look Liv. look at what's right here in front of you" she lifted her head and watched him with concern as the muffled sound around her grew louder, distorting his voice, "come on Liv, I aint good at this shit, Munch is good with words, he can talk your ass off all day, but all I can do is tell you to just open your eyes and look, and keep em open. Coz whatever is going on in your head, it ain't right, you gotta try, just try Liv."
Olivia felt the deep throb of palpitations in the centre of her chest as she forced her eyes to fall on the plaque on the wall.
She exhaled heavily.
Fin began to read the words as she froze, unable to let her eyes fall further down the inscribed words.
"Elliot Stabler, Detective first grade, commended May 18th 2011."
"Stop, Fin stop, I can't hear this, please stop," she said, her voice desperate and scared.
"You asked me what happened Liv - Jenna...she got a lot of shots out - she took us by surprise, she got too many shots out."
"STOP!" Olivia shouted, as she turned and ran toward the elevator, hitting the button as soon as could reach it.
The doors opened and she was inside, the doors closing again before Fin could reach her.
Fin turned and caught the eye of his partner, who was standing silently, watching him with a worry that he had long since given up trying to mask.
"You know I ain't good at this - You can do this stuff, I just don't know what to say to her."
Munch moved to stand next to Fin, noticing the weariness and defeat in his partners eyes.
"All we can do is try - there's no right or wrong way of dealing with this, no secret code that's gonna snap her out of it. She's...lost Fin, we just have to try." he took a slow deep breath, "or maybe we just ask Stabler to stop denying his feelings and just kiss her when he comes back."
Fin looked at him incredulously "kiss her? What the hell? They've pretended they're not into each other for this long, that ain't gonna change now."
"Where's your sense of romance Fin? Where's your hope? Hope's pretty much all we have left now. Don't underrate it. Maybe they get their fairytale ending."
"Liv aint do damsel in distress who needs saving," Fin said, "she's stubborn and not doing a thing to help herself. She has to get it together - coz i cant' do this anymore. I can't come in here everyday and be strong for her, when it's damn well not working."
"Hope is our friend right now Fin - don't lose it. Without it things go downhill fast. I still say we get Stabler to kiss her - they're as stubborn as each other, we should've just grabbed those two and pushed them together years ago."
OLIVIA BENSONS APARTMENT
MIDNIGHT
She sat on her couch, her eyes fixed on the baby monitor - the lights pulsed on and off, and the low crackle of static filled the air. She had called Lucy - she had thirty minutes until she arrived. She told her she had been called into work urgently, and offered to pay Lucy way over the odds. She had sounded hesitant, especially when she had asked her to text to confirm when she was within five minutes of her apartment, but the huge wage increase had shook any confusion away quickly.
And now Olivia sat on her couch, waiting until Lucy texted to confirm she was close by. The pain in her head throbbed, her eyes closed as tears fell freely, and the heavy weight of the gun in her hand felt warm against her skin.
She let out a sob as the voices swam around her - she felt lost in her own mind, and living with the insanity that consumed her was too much. It had to stop, the shuffling noises, the voices, sometimes fearful, sometimes angry, other times laced with tears. It was all directed at her, and she didn't know why.
Her dreams had leaked into her waking state - the voices still muffled, but now loud and demanding, first Munch, then Elliot.
She cursed, scared and confused. Elliot's voice sounded too real, she didn't believe in ghosts, but she didn't believe that he was dead either. He had left her - he couldn't haunt her if he were still alive.
Gripping her gun tighter, she brought it up to her chest, clutching it as her her body shook.
"Liv," Elliot said, his voice no longer muffled, but clear and very close, "come on baby, don't do this anymore, just look at me, come on Liv, talk to me."
Olivia's phone buzzed, the display lighting up with Tuckers name. Olivia stared at it, long and hard until the buzzing finally stopped and the display changed to indicate a missed call.
She laughed, a brief, strained laugh, as she glanced at her clock, noting that it would be a few more minutes until Lucy would text. Her timing would need to be precise. Lucy had a key, but if something happened to prevent her from reaching her apartment….she couldn't risk Noah being left alone.
She rested her head back, her neck extended and stretched as her head tilted upwards to the ceiling. Dragging the barrel of her gun slowly up from her chest, along past the exposed skin of her throat, then over her chin - she paused as it fleetingly touched her lips, her eyes glancing to the baby monitor.
He wasn't real. Noah wasn't real. She was sure of it, but still, in her heart she couldn't leave him alone.
She parted her lips, pushing the gun just slightly into her mouth. It felt cold and an unpleasant taste instantly coated her tongue.
It felt just as wrong as everything else in her life did.
"OLIVIA!" Elliot's voice startled her and she pulled the gun out of her mouth, dropping it into her lap, her head snapping up as she looked around her apartment, certain that he would be standing there.
"El…" she whispered, as her tears fell faster, "I can hear you, all the time, louder and clearer every day, but no one else can. If i'm insane than it won't make me crazier to talk back to you….I don't think I could get any crazier at this point….I think I got hurt worse than they realised - the bullet cracked my skull, they said I was ok..eventually...but I don't think I am. I can't live like this - with these...voices, surrounding me all the time, acting like they're not there so no one else think i'm crazy. But I'm not crazy...not really...not if i'm the only one that's real….."
Her phone buzzed again and Tuckers name lit up her display once again. She laughed, lifting her knees up to her chest, and kicking out, her boot connecting with her cellphone and shoving it off of the table and across the floor.
"Why the hell would I have drinks with Tucker? I don't even remember how that happened, this is not right. NOT RIGHT."
Elliots voice startled her from her thoughts once again, and she froze, listening.
"Damn it Olivia, just snap out of it - you're healing, they don't think they'll be any brain damage, you could just wake the hell up and come back to me anytime. So do it Olivia!" he shouted, before his voice became laced with fear and hard fought tears, "Please….please just do it, please just wake up baby. I love you, and this….it's killing me. Christ Liv, just please wake up."
Cragen sat outside the room, Elliot's voice carrying easily through the walls - his shouts, and then desperate pleas bringing silence to the waiting room.
"The doctors said the longer she's unconscious the worse the chances of her recovering are. She's healing physically - why the hell isn't she waking up?" Cragen asked.
Huang sighed, "coma patients often report vivid dreams - fantasy worlds in some respects. She's dealing with a trauma and in some ways may be afraid to come out of that. She may be afraid to face reality - Elliot took a bullet in his chest right before she was shot. If she saw that - the fear that she discover he is dead might be too much for her to deal with emotionally, so she has retreated into a coma induced dream. Her brain activity suggests that she is dreaming. That's a positive thing - and that brain activity is increasing. All we can do for her is to be there - keep talking. It may help bring her back to us."
Olivia had woken, the sunlight streaming in through her window as she slowly regained her senses. Realising with immense relief that the voices were silent, she gradually became aware of what had woken her. The alarm on her cell phone reminding her that she needed to be up and on her way to the one six.
She stood, freezing as her gun dropped from her lap into the carpet.
Staring at it as it lay on the ground next to get she felt cold and sick as she remembered how close she has come to using it.
Her eyes burned into the gun, not wanting to reach down and pick it up - not wanting to feel the weight of it on her hands - the choice in her hands.
Lucy walked in the room at that moment and stopped abruptly. Noah was in her arms and instantly reached out to Olivia with a smile.
Lucy's eyes locked straight onto the gun on the floor. "sorry, did I startle you? You were pretty exhausted last night - thanks for not cancelling when you didn't need to go in. I appreciate the extra money."
Olivia stared at her, confused as she reached over and took Noah into her arms, his own arms moving around her neck to cuddle her.
Placing a kiss on his head she smiled - the insanity of the previous night far from her mind once her child was in her arms.
"I don't even remember you coming in."
"No problem, you said you were exhausted so glad I could help. I just…" she hesitated "are you ok?"
"Yea I'm fine Lucy, thank you for helping at such short notice." Olivia said with a smile, feeling awkward at the uncertainty of what had actually happened and wondering how Lucy could possibly have missed the gun in her lap.
"Anytime...Olivia… call me at short notice whenever you need...I was a little worried about you last night.." Lucy said hesitantly.
24 hours later
Another long day. It had been filled with grief and was trying - she felt pushed to her limits once again, but the voices had been mercifully silent.
Now she walked. Her son's small hand grasped in her own, his other hand held by Tucker.
She looked at the horizon - clouds, blue sky - it felt like the world she knew. She could smell the flowers and hear the passing cars. Everything felt right at that moment...right except for the niggling feeling that she didn't quite understand why Ed Tucker was holding her son's hand.
Olivia laughed at the absurdity of the situation and continued walking, she hadn't even remembered picking Noah up - but she pushed out the unrealistic nature of that fact and chose to focus on the moment. She was with her son - it was positive, happy.
Glancing briefly at Tucker, she frowned, pondering whether to ask him what he was doing there when the sound of arguing began to disturb the silence.
"Always something to spoil the peace and quiet when I'm out with Noah." she said.
Tucker frowned, but continued walking.
As the voices grew louder Olivia froze as she realised that she recognised them. She was certain that they were Elliot and Cragen. One weary, strained and frustrated, the other agitated - on the edge, angry.
Their words were hard to make out, but she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was them.
Noah slipped out of her grasp and seemingly out of Tucker's too as he wandered ahead slightly. Olivia kept a firm lock on him with her eyes, focused only on him until Elliots voice snapped her out of her concentration.
"Lets take a vacation. When you wake up - we both need to get away. How do you feel about Paris?"
"Paris?" she repeated, confused.
Tucker turned to her - "Paris Olivia?"
His words seemed alien, out of place, just as he did. She looked at him and suppressed the urge to laugh. Taking a breath, she paused with a slight smile as she listened to the voices of her friends….no longer muffled, but clear and close to her.
"Paris?" she said, confused, aware now that both Elliot and Tucker were speaking.
"Why Not? Paris - yeah." Tucker replied.
Olivia laughed. She knew then. Reality was crystal clear.
As Tucker slipped his hand into hers she pulled her hand free and stepped back, looking at him with amusement.
"Why the hell did this happen?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" Tucker asked.
"Of all the people….I dream that im...dating you."
"You've had two hours sleep in three days Elliot. You're gonna be in here too if you don't listen to me. You can't keep going like this." Cragen said, his voice strained and exhausted.
"She moved. I don't care if they say it was just a reflex. I know she's trying to come back to me. I'm not leaving. I need to be here when she wakes up." Elliot said, with a certainty in his voice.
"Elliot," sighed Cragen, "let's get them to bring another bed in - you can stay in here, if she wakes, you'll know. The way you too are in synch, you'll wake if she so much as moves an inch."
"Paris." she said.
Elliot froze, staring at her in shock before he urned sharply to look at Cragen, "she heard me. Don she heard me."
Elliot sat down on the chair pushed up alongside her bed and took hold of her hand. Instantly her fingers curled around his and his heart leapt with hope.
"Liv," he said, unashamed of the tears brimming in his eyes. "Yes Paris. When you're better - we'll go, together. Open your eyes baby, come on. You can do it."
Cragen watched silently from the foot of her bed, his heart thumping with anticipation and hope.
Olivia moaned, battling to force her eyes open - her eyelids fluttered and her hand tightened around Elliots as her eyes drifted open and closed a few times.
Cragen slipped out of the door, in search of a doctor.
Eventually, her eyes opened fully and locked instantly with Elliots.
The tears in his eyes and the obvious exhaustion hit her immediately.
"El…" she whispered, "What a wrong?"
Elliot smiled as he leant down and placed a kiss on her forehead, letting his lips linger against her skin.
"Nothing Liv, you're gonna be ok."
"Paris?" she asked.
"Yeah Liv - let's go to Paris." he said as he sat back one hand holding hers tightly as the other stroked her hair tenderly.
"I thought I was gonna lose you Liv. So I don't know how much you heard but I meant every word. I love you. You're gonna get better and we're gonna take a trip to Paris together. Do you...wanna do that too?" he asked hesitantly.
Olivia smiled as her eyes momentarily drifted closed, "yeah." she whispered, her voice fading fast as she drifted back to slerp, "and El….I…. love you too."
When she opened her eyes again, a doctor was in the room with Cragen, who smiled warmly at her. "It's good to have you back Liv, he said.
"Is everyone ok?" she asked.
"There were casualties, but focus on you Olivia. You need to regain your strength and get well. Elliot took a bullet but he's fine, Munch and Fin are unharmed, you were hurt the worst but you're ok. You're gonna pull through now."
Huangs Office.
"Why did my mind create all that? Why did I dream of being with Ed Tucker?"
"Perhaps while you felt safer in your dream state, a part of you also wanted to keep grounded and remind yourself that it wasn't real. By placing a highly unlikely person into a relationship scenario with you, it left you with an out. The improbability and confusion that his attention to you left you with, that is what stopped you from falling into that fantasy and accepting it as reality. It never could be a reality you would accept."
Olivia nodded, easing back into her chair as she relaxed.
"I feel like I shouldn't be here." Olivia said
Her admittance reading the last shreds of tension she held onto.
"Why?" Huang asked.
Olivia took a deep breath releasing it slowly as she looked at him. "I should be dead - or brain damaged. I shouldn't be walking around. I was reading about coma recovery - it's far more typical to have life altering effects. To make a near full recovery - with only some minor nerve damage - it doesn't feel right. Why am I here?"
Huang observed her as he smiled slightly, "you're here because you were too strong to let that bullet take you or rob you of your life in any other way. Survivor guilt is normal, and it's healthy to go through that process." he glanced at his watch, "I'm aware that our time is running out - and you have a flight to catch soon."r
"Yes, we're going to Paris." smiled Olivia.
Huang returned her smile with equal warmth, "I'm happy for you both. You deserve this."
As Olivia said goodbye to him, she turned and walked out of his office with a smile as her eyes fell immediately onto her partner.
He stood, their cases and bags piled up next to him as he walked over and took her hands in his.
"Ready to go Liv?" he smiled before leaning in to capture her lips.
"Mmm," she said, smiling against his mouth, " I'm very ready. You and me in Paris. Not quite how I thought this would end."
"Really?"he said with a frown, "you have someone else on mind?"
Olivia laughed and pushed him playfully, "God no!"
Tucker makes sense to me in this context - the relationship is sudden and doesn't fit, but Olivia's mind has created that for that very reason. The unreality of that relationship is her anchor to stop her from falling too far.
And this Paris stuff...she's going there with Elliot, and in my head, that's where she is right now!
Thanks for reading!