Tairyfale

Mercury Dream: "Be warned, gentle reader, for this is not your typical tale of romance and virtue. There is profanity in this realm and, horror upon horrors, there is even sex (though not in this story). Fear not for the virtue of our fair princess though, for her incompetent idiot of a prince would never dream of laying a hand on her royal personage."

Jean: "I know. Do you think he's gay or something?"

Mercury Dream (ignoring Jean): "As is the way of things our beautiful princess is locked in her tower, the window her only means of escape."

Jean (curious): "If there's only a window then how did I get here in the first place?"

Mercury Dream (exasperated): "How the fuck should I know? That's just how it goes, ok?"

Jean: "Touchy!"

Mercury Dream: Ehem. As I was saying.the window her only means of escape, the 50-foot drop enough to discourage her from jumping.

Jean (horrified): "50 foot!? You better not expect me to do a Rapunzel! I'll be here until I'm so old my hair starts to fall out!"

Mercury Dream (sweetly): "Jean, sweetheart?"

Jean: "Yeah?"

Mercury Dream: "Shut it or I'll leave you rotting in that tower for all eternity."

Jean (contrite): "Sorry."

Mercury Dream: "That's better. Now where was I? Tower. window. 50-foot drop. Ah yes. The only way the fair and virtuous (not to mention annoying) princess was getting out of her prison was with the aid of Prince Charming. No, sorry, he's taken -- by several princesses in fact."

Jean: "Adulterer."

Mercury Dream (condescending): "Yes dear. What I meant to say was 'a handsome prince' (though your common or garden variety 'brave knight' or 'worthy peasant' will do in a pinch).

"So our Jeannie is stuck in her tower, bemoaning her fate."

Jean (stubbornly): "."

Mercury Dream (getting annoyed): "Bemoaning her fate.!"

Jean (annoyed): "I'm not doing it!"

Mercury Dream (furious): "BEMOANING HER FATE!!!!!!!"

Jean (sarcastic): "Fine! Oh, woe is me. I'm locked in this high, lonely tower with no one to save me. Oh woe, woe. There, how was that?"

Mercury Dream: "Good. A little emotion would have been nice though."

Jean (angry): "Fuck you!"

Mercury Dream (malicious): "Ok, that's it! I was gonna let you be the brave, capable type but now you're gonna be the helpless, whiny type."

Jean (horrified): "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!"

Mercury Dream (grinning): "Right let's start this over.

"Once upon a time (What? It fits ok?) There lived a beautiful princess -- No! I can't do it this way so here's the condensed version. Beautiful princess. evil witch. big tower. no escape. princess cries 'Boo hoo, only a handsome prince can save me, boo hoo'. Got that? Good. Now let's travel over to meet our handsome prince.

"Many days travel from our tower -- let's say abut 30-ish -- from our tower we find our handsome (though that's debatable) Prince Scott. Now, let's get something straight about ol' Scotty, he ain't exactly the great intellect, in fact the brightest thing about him is his shiny armour."

Remy: "Dat's fo' sure."

Rogue: "Ah'll say."

Mercury Dream (amused): "Rogue, Remy, you two aren't in this part. You get to demean Scott later, go back to whatever you were doing. And please, dear reader, ignore the background noise, I did warn you there was sex in this world."

Rogue (confused): "Hey, what 'bout mah powahs?"

Mercury Dream: "You don't have them darling, none of you do, that's how you're a whore."

Rogue (appalled): "What!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Lahke hell am Ah bein' a whore!"

Mercury Dream: "Listen hon, you can either be a whore or a handmaiden to Jean in the tower."

Rogue (reluctantly): "Fahne! Ah'll be a whore then!"

Remy: "Does Remy get discount, chere?" (Smack!) "OW! She hit me Mercury."

Mercury Dream (amused): "Serves you right Rem.

"Y'know what, nobody really gives a fuck about Scott and Jean so let's just skip ahead to the part where Scott's been eaten by a dragon."

Rogue (angrily): "Fuck this! Ah didn' sahgn up fo' no dragon."

Mercury Dream (ignoring Rogue): ". and Rogue and Remy have just found out about the reward."

Remy and Rogue (curious): "What kin'a reward?"

Mercury Dream (matter-of-factly): "Oh just the usual, half the kingdom and Jean's hand in marriage."

Remy (petulantly): "But I don' wanna marry Jean."

Rogue (snappish): "Well Ah ain' doin' it!"

Mercury Dream (wheedling): "You know, it really is amazing how fragile these princesses are. Now back to the story.

"Our brave, if unconventional, heroes are standing before the dragon's cave, pondering their next move."

Remy: "So."

Rogue: "We coul'."

Remy: "Yeah."

Mercury Dream: "When suddenly Rogue spots a sign which has (miraculously) appeared off to their left."

Rogue (mono-tone): "Look Remy, a sahgn off ta our left!"

Remy (mono-tone): "Wha's it say chere?"

Rogue (confused): "'Don' feed th' dragon.'"

Remy (amused): "Good 'vice but how dat help us?"

Mercury Dream (sheepish): "Sorry, that's my fault, wrong sign. Try the one to your right."

Remy: "De one dat say 'Secr't pass'ge t'rough 'ere'?"

Mercury Dream (slightly relieved): "Yeah."

Remy (grateful): "T'anks."

Mercury Dream: "Don't mention it. Ever.

"So our heroes pass through the dragon's lair unscathed to find the moat of molten lava surrounding the tower."

Rogue (confused): "Ah thought it was us'lly a moat wit' crocodahles?"

Mercury Dream: "I wanted to do something different. So now the thief and the."

Rogue (dangerously): "Don't say it."

Mercury Dream: ".and Rogue have to puzzle out how to get across red-hot, liquid rock."

Remy: "How we gon' cross dis den?"

Rogue: "Dunno, ya got any ahdeas?"

Remy (dubiously): "Jump 'cross?"

Rogue: "Whah not?"

Mercury Dream: "So they grab hands, take a good, long run up and."

Remy (confused): "Hey! We back where we started."

Mercury Dream: "Sorry, there'd be too many readers out to kill me if I let you melt in the lava like that poor guy in volcano did.

"Tell ya what, I'm getting bored of this now so I'll get you a bridge. And moments later the pair are standing before that 5-foot tower. (It turns out Jean's only 1/10 the size of a normal person and has a fear of heights), destroying it with some handy tools that were just lying around. Coincidentally of course.

"Two weeks later Remy and Jean are married in a predictably dull ceremony but unfortunately gets stepped on by a guest. (I still have princess on my shoe, haven't been able to wear it for months now.) Later that night Remy robs the poor, grieving king blind (not literally, that would have been both messy and disturbing), meets up with Rogue in Sherwood Forrest where they lead a life of robbing the rich and keeping the spoils.

Robin Hood (annoyed): "Yeah and it makes my life hell."

Mercury Dream: "And so ends this twisted Tairyfale, the good are dead without sacrificing a single villain, criminal or evil-doer."

The End (just to make this official)

Remy: "Well dat was fun."

Scott (incredulous): "What do you mean? I got eaten by a fucking dragon before I even got any lines!!!!"

Rogue (sotto voice): "That's whah it was fun."

Jean (annoyed): "Hey, I had to spend my time in a fucking tower, then I was stepped on by the fucking narrator on my wedding day!!!"

Rogue and Remy: "Leave Mercury alone!!!"

Rogue: "We' d dead if she hadn' helped us."

Remy (defensive): "De femme saved our lives."

Mercury Dream: "Awww, you guys. How'd you like to do something like this again?"

Rogue, Remy, Scott and Jean (panicked): "RUUUUUUNNNN!!!!!!!"

Mercury Dream: "Guys? Ok fine, I'll do the disclaimer then. Rogue, Remy, Scott and Jean belong to Marvel, Volcano belongs to. actually I don't know who Volcano belongs to (and I can't be bothered to get up and find out) but it isn't me. Robin Hood is from various English folklore stories and Rapunzel is folklore too, I think. Either way the only one I own is me (Mercury Dream).