Disclaimer: I invented all of the story titles, author names, and plot summaries. Any resemblance to actual story titles, author names, or plot summaries is purely coincidental. I apologize in advance for the bad language and distasteful scenarios found in some of Orla's research material, which, I assure you, gentle reader, bother me at least as much as they bother you! This story is set in the autumn of 2007.
Muggle Studies Research Grant No. 1
Orla Quirke booted up her computer and looked happily around the little Ministry outpost in Bloomsbury. Muggle gadgets like computers didn't run properly within the precincts of the Ministry—too much magic in the air—so Kingsley Shacklebolt had acquired this neat, nondescript little storefront near the British Museum to serve as a computer lab for Ministry staffers whose jobs required them to access the Internet. It was just one more tantalizing example of the innovative, liberal policies that characterized the Shacklebolt administration, and Orla, who had been too young to fight into the war, was grateful indeed to be the recipient of the Ministry's first-ever grant for Internet-based research in Muggle Studies. Her research brief required her to survey Muggle fanfiction websites and assess their depiction of several prominent wizarding personalities (Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Kingsley Shacklebolt, to name a few) as well as the overall portrayal of wizarding values. Using the typed notes that her mentor, Penelope Clearwater, had supplied over breakfast, she called up a selection of Muggle fanfiction and dove in.
"A Chance to Be Happy" (romance/ hurt/ comfort: M) by AllFuckedUp
Chanterelle-Dymphna Pearl runs away from an abusive home and is homeless. She uses drugs and Fred Weasley gets drunk and rapes her. Now he is dead and she is excited about being an unwed teen mother on heroin. Very sweet and uplift. DH spoilers, oh yeah.
"Just the Three of Us" (romance/ angst: T) by Snapefangirl3287451
Alexandrina van Houndstooth is a transfer student she has a crush on Colin Creepey and he says he wont like her unless she does Snape. He is dead but she seduces him so I guess its AU and now Colin is jealous. Wanna know what happens? R&R!
"A Gay Old Time" (romance/ general: M) by slashuberalles
So like magic families are small because everyone is gay. Like ErnJus SuHan PomMin ZachDrac and you get the idea. Its like really weird to be straight at Hogwarts and Dumbledore is gay too but Arthur is not and he and Molly still have sex. No plot just lots of slash and some het.
"The Highest Form of Love" (romance/ humor: M) by twistytwincest
This isnt really romance its sex but theres no sex catagory so its romance. FredGorge in every possable positon with Lee and not. Also Giny too because she is honerery twin. If you think its sick then you suck you shouldnt be reading this summery becuz incest is cool!
"Um, Penelope?" gasped Orla, after a few shell-shocked moments. "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I think I must have done something wrong."
"Mm?" murmured Penelope interrogatively, without looking up from her own work. Though only six or seven years senior to Orla, she was a bit of a hero to the younger witch. After cutting her teeth in Misuse of Muggle Artifacts and taking the unusual step of earning an Oxford B. Sc., Penelope had produced in quick succession The Troll's Guide to Physics, The Troll's Guide to Chemistry, and The Troll's Guide to Personal Computers, as well as a couple of babies in the intervals. She was now hard at work, with much less satisfaction, on The Troll's Guide to Kitchen Appliances, and was patently eager to get it off to her editor at Little Red before the next baby came.
"Penelope?" repeated Orla. "I know this can't be right. Please come look."
Penelope sighed and pushed out her chair. "The grammar and spelling are never very good," she observed as she crossed the room, massaging her back with both hands. "I should have warned you about that, sorry."
"Considering that half the purebloods at Hogwarts had no primary education," remarked Orla, "the absence of requisite punctuation in these documents is reassuringly familiar. I know some wizards who write almost as badly as these fanfic authors. But look at this," she said, pointing to "Just the Three of Us." "Is this really the way Muggles perceive wizards? And this," she added, pointing to "The Highest Form of Love." "Look what they're saying about your sister-in-law!"
"Ye-es," murmured Penelope, staring at the screen. "I see what you mean. But you know, that's why the Wizengamot awarded you the grant. To classify and quantify depictions of wizarding personalities and values in Muggle literature. It wouldn't be worth doing if it weren't a bit strange. We need to know what's out there."
"I mean, there are a few stories about things that could happen," allowed Orla, scrolling down the list of plot summaries. "Like these."
"Being Friends" (friendship: K) by AlmostTwelve
Ginny and Luna are friends. They play Quidditch and talk about how to get boys. Luna's mother is dead and she has to do the dishes and sometimes cook which is hard but Ginny is her friend and helps her. This is a good story about being friends.
"Me Myself and I" (angst: T) by lonelyreader
Ernie looks successful but inside he is not. He is Head Boy but he reads poetry and feels bad about getting an E in Potions. Also he is ten pounds overweight and there is no pudding for dinner. I didn't want to study for my algebra test so here it is. R&R or I will feel bad like Ernie.
"Those look plausible, if dull. Ginny and Luna are friends, and Ernie is a worrywart. But—" Hermione, who was typing furiously at an adjacent computer, raised her eyebrows and Orla quickly dropped her voice, "but then there's stuff like this—"
"Barking Mad" (angst/ action/ adventure: M) by Siriuspet
Padfoot the dog has sex with a lady werewolf and they have a daughter who could be a dog or a wolf or a human but instead she is a talking seal. Theres prejudice so she cant go to Hogwarts so she decides kill Dumbledore but she kills Igor Karkaroff by mistake and its complicated. R&R
"Ladies Night" (romance/ humor: T) by galleonsoffun
Kingsley cant decide whether he luvs Angelina or Tonx so he aks them to mudwrestle veela Death Eater and Bill comes to watch. Kingsley is Queen Elizabeth love child and theres crown in mud pit for someone but if you wanna know who you gotta r&r.
"101 Ways to Massacre an Elf" (action/ adventure/ horror: M) by YouDontKnowMe
A series of drabbles about Walburga torturing house elves. Please r&r and let me know if you think there should be more mutilation. Also do you think Cornelius Fudge should cook some goblins becuz that part was cool and I could torture goblins too.
"—that just couldn't happen at all! Queen Elizabeth? A talking seal?"
"I suppose it has something to do with barking," murmured Penelope. "Seals are a bit dog-like."
"The authors' depiction of cause and effect—the motivations they attribute to the characters—are these people sane?"
"Well," said Penelope judiciously, "many of them are. They just suffer from poor taste, poor reasoning skills, and a total lack of acquaintance with normal adult life. This is why I begged my sister not to read fanfiction. If we gave Muggle children accurate, detailed information about the wizarding world, we wouldn't have so much trouble—Hermione, you really ought to take a look at this."
"I'm busy," muttered Hermione. "I know Lavender wasn't a bad choice to head creature rights—her heart's in the right place—but she's a bit of a birdbrain, and unless I get these endangered species notes together—it would come up this week, just when we're so busy in Magical Law Enforcement—"
"It's about house elves," said Penelope.
"Right there," said Hermione, leaping to attention. "Merlin's pants, that's sick!" she exclaimed as she looked over Orla's shoulder at the summary of "101 Ways to Massacre an Elf." "It's almost like a how-to manual. We ought to censor this stuff."
"The Ministry doesn't have the authority to censor Muggle websites," pointed out Penelope, "and the timing is particularly unpropitious, when Kingsley has worked so hard to liberalize wizard-Muggle relations. Besides, you know that censorship isn't the answer—"
"When are you going to write that book you keep talking about?"
"When Kingsley gives me the go-ahead. You know I adore Kingsley, but if he tells me one more time that conditions aren't ripe—"
"Aren't ripe for what?" inquired Orla, a bit confused.
"The Troll's Guide to Democracy. Kingsley thinks the wizarding world isn't ready for it—and that's why we're still stuck with appointed ministers, and appointed representatives, and all this blasted censorship. Meanwhile he keeps me busy with pap like The Troll's Guide to Kitchen Appliances—"
"I gather it's a personal interest of his," said Hermione comfortingly. "Harry told me that the first time Kingsley visited Privet Drive, he couldn't make heads or tails of the microwave."
"Still," said Penelope, "kitchen appliances are not the Muggle world's great gift to mankind. Physics, yes. Chemistry, yes. Democracy, yes. Computers, maybe. Microwaves and dishwashers, no."
"You ought to resign from the Ministry when the new baby comes," opined Hermione. "The royalties are pretty steady now, aren't they? And Percy's got a good post. You don't really need the writing grants—"
"I ought to have left when Sep was born," muttered Penelope. "I ought to have quit while I was ahead."
"What I'd like to see you write," said Hermione, "is a Troll's Guide to Human, Near-Human, and Part-Human Rights. And then a Troll's Guide to Environmental Responsibility."
"Er—Penelope?" interrupted Orla. "Hermione? Look at this plot summary! It almost looks as if it's not about the wizarding world at all!"
"If I Were Magic" (romance/ general: T) by LizzieO
Elizabeth Orpheus is 15, American, and blonde. She plays volleyball and has a dog named Pumpkin and watches reruns of "ER." She is magic and goes to Hogwarts. Might be M in later chapters if I get lucky but all the boys I know are stupid and immature so maybe not.
"Well, that one probably isn't," allowed Penelope. "I'd lay money that that one's by some fifteen-year-old American volleyball player who doesn't have a boyfriend. But you still need to address it in your report—perhaps consider the implied similarity between Muggle and magical teenagers? Fanfiction writers' tendency to use themselves as models suggests that many of them don't perceive a sharp or threatening divide between the Muggle and magical worlds—"
"I had no idea that Muggles saw us this way!" protested Orla, cursing the limitations of her pureblood upbringing and the narrow, technical nature of the Hogwarts Muggle Studies curriculum. "Did you?"
Hermione and Penelope exchanged glances.
"We-ell," said Hermione, "I did have a quick look once. I'd heard rumors that I was depicted as a bit of a slut—"
"Hermione's one of the figures you're supposed to be researching," pointed out Penelope. "Why don't you do a search for stories with her as a main character?" With quivering fingers, Orla hit the keys.
"Unrequited" (romance/ angst: T) by Charliesbookworm
Charlie is bored with dragons because he wants Hermione. She is married to his brother so he cant have her but they sleep together and they spend a lot of time together talking about their beautiful unrequited love and how they cant be together. Eventually CharlieHermione and RonNorberta.
"If the feelings are mutual," wondered Orla, "however inappropriate, why does Charliesbookworm call it 'Unrequited'?"
"Shh," murmured Penelope, "you're thinking too much."
"Ron and Norberta," sniffed Hermione. "Talk about inappropriate!"
"Open My Eyes at Last" (romance/ action: M) by Pummel'em
Hermione visits Bulgaria where Viktor ties her up and beats her. She is puzzled and doesn't know whether she still loves him. Draco saves her and then she realizes Draco is cooler than Vicky. Very graphic violence and ferret sex I wont say which chapter so you gotta read!
"My True Love" (romance/ friendship: M) by Hermyhairy4eva
Hermoine loves sexy, brooding Hairy. She asks her platonic friend Ron to help her get Hairy so Ginny is screwed but then it turns out that she was left in the Weasleys cabbage patch so Ron isn't her brother and she can marry him. This is how I think the story should be.
"Hormone's Quest" (romance/ humor: M) by dfirn4dadude
Ron is a git. Hormone is board she decides to sleep with older man like Remus or Sevrus or maybe Slughorn because Remmy and Sevvy and Sluggy all seem like sexy guys who would have had gobs of sex and she wants sexal experence. It's a good story with sx sense even w sluggy so red it please.
"The Whites of Your Eyes" (romance/ horror: M) by Voldiechick
Hermy thinks Ronnie is immature and doesn't deserve to be a prefect so she goes off with Voldie because he was head boy. Voldie tortures her and makes fun of her parents and doesn't have much stamina in bed becuz of the horcruxes and a fractured soul. Will Hermy ever get laid. R&R, k?
"I can't read any more!" wailed Orla, burying her head in her arms. "Hermione, I'm so sorry—" But Hermione was giggling hysterically.
"Cabbage patch!" she snorted. "Ferret sex! 'Voldie' doesn't have much stamina in bed—"
"It's horrible, really, the way the Muggles write about you," said Penelope. "I suppose they don't know any better—"
"Don't worry about it," said Hermione, still snorting with laughter. "The press always treats politicians this way. Just don't tell Ron, okay? He'd flip out."
"They write dreadful things about him, too," pointed out Penelope. "And they never seem to put the two of you together."
"Yeah, well, don't tell him that either. He's of a jealous disposition."
"Do Harry and Ginny know?"
Hermione shrugged. "We're all in the same boat."
"Actually," said Penelope, "the plots involving me are surprisingly wholesome, given the usual caliber of stories on these sites. Saccharine, and inconsequential to the point of absurdity, but wholesome."
"Ooh," said Hermione, "let me see. Orla, do another search—"
"Penelope Loves Percy" (romance/ angst: T) by Percysgirl
Penelope loves Percy but he is a git. He tells her to go away so she does and then he is sad. They long and long and long and then he says he is sorry and they kiss. There is some tongue but no sex so its not M, just T. Let me know if you want a sequel with sex.
"Hey Baby!" (angst/ romance: K+) by babies-r-me
Penelope doesn't know how to tell Percy she is pregnant. He is upset and never even considers proposing even though they are both of age and their combined income is well above the national mean. It is very angsty but the baby is cute and everyone forgives them because babies solve everything.
"These authors can spell!" remarked Hermione, in a startled tone.
"I know," said Penelope. "It's a bit surprising, given that none of the others can, but I suppose only the most bookish fans bother to write about me."
"Cinderella Clearwater" (romance/ angst: T) by fairytalegirl
Penelope's family is mean to her so she sleeps with Percy at the Yule Ball. He abandons her and she is pregnant. Her feet are swollen so she takes her shoe off and he finds it and proposes. He is her knight in shining armor and he is always there for her even if he isn't always there for other people.
"Not You" (angst/ romance: K+) by Minister-o-magic
Penelope goes on a date with Oliver Wood. He is a damn sexy Keeper but he isn't Percy and he doesn't know anything about fertilizer samples and cauldron bottoms so she is sad. She really misses Percy and the cauldron bottoms. Is the fertilizer gone from her life forever?
"Meant to Be" (romance/ angst: T) by Rovingmystic
Everyone hates Pennys boyfriend and she cant tell them he is Dumbledores secret agent. So she sleeps with him and she gets pregnant the first time and its inconvenient but this is natures way of telling them its meant to be their names start with same letter and theres even prophecy so its cool.
"A lot of unplanned pregnancies there," observed Orla, scrolling down the page.
"It could be worse," opined Penelope.
"But it's totally unfounded! You didn't have a child until you were, what—"
"Twenty-five," said Penelope.
"And you'd been married, what—"
"Three years."
"Exactly. So why do they—"
"Well," said Penelope, "in light of the total absence of any substantive reflection or psychological development, the only way for these authors to spin out their stories is with a succession of concrete events, and an unplanned pregnancy sets up a conflict that's obvious but not too threatening—at least, not compared to twincest, or having a disgruntled illegitimate daughter who happens to be a homicidal seal—"
Hermione burst into laughter again.
"Well," said Orla, after a minute, "if you two don't mind, I'll do my best not to mind either. After all, you're the ones who are being slandered, not me."
Hermione and Penelope exchanged glances. "Er, Orla," began Penelope, "I don't know how to tell you this, but—have you tried searching your own name?"
"But—but I'm no one!" spluttered Orla. "I was too young to fight in the war, I don't have an important post, I don't have a boyfriend, there's nothing mysterious about my past—"
"It's best to know the worst," said Hermione briskly. "Here, I'll run the search for you."
"Steamy Nights in Ravenclaw Tower" (romance/ drama: M) by MrChoChang
Cho Chang seduces Orla Quirk who is only twelve and they have graphic sex scenes until Marietta walks in and says she wants Orla herself. Then McGonagall joins the fun. Femslash with lots of smart naked ladies some elderly and some under the age of consent. What more could a man want?
"Bury My Heart in the Knotgrass" (romance/ mystery: T) by creepycreevy
When Denis Creevey is killed fighting in the final battle Orla Quark is heartbroken. She receives messages from the beyond and goes looking for Colins decomposed heart in the forbidden forest to see if she can clone Denis. Grawp and Hagrid helps. My first story so r-n-r.
"I don't get it," said Orla.
"I think the author may have forgotten that Colin and Denis were two different people," explained Hermione, "and that Denis is still very much alive."
"The True Confessions of a Young Ravenslaw" (general/ angst: K+) by obscurusmaximus
Oral Kirk is fist year he keeps a diarrhey and writes about Ravenslaw and how he wishes he could be tri-wizard chimp if he weren't eleven and knew how to do things and how Stuart messes up the dormitory and kisses up to Filibuster Fitwick. Lot of stuff happen r&r.
"Wait," said Orla, who was almost beyond shock by this point, "in that last story, am I a boy?"
"So it would appear," said Penelope. "Unless it's a story about a non-canon character who just happens to have a name that's strikingly similar to yours."
"But—" protested Orla.
"I know," agreed Penelope, "it doesn't make sense to me either. But I think you'll have to acknowledge, Orla, that none of this makes sense."
"This isn't the project I signed up for," sniffed Orla faintly. "I'm going to have to throw away my research précis, and create an entirely new set of categories. Unexplained homicides. Illegitimacy. Incest. Sex with dead people."
"Ferret sex," smirked Hermione, as she settled down once again to her endangered species notes.
"This isn't the sort of evidence I thought I would find," sniffed Orla.
"It never is," said Penelope, patting her on the back. "Welcome to research. Welcome to Muggle Studies."