The State of Perdition
Chapter 1
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Summary: A/U: The boys never got into hunting because their mother died of natural causes. Years later, Dean struggles to find acceptance from his father. Eating-disorder theme.
This will be a chapter series. No slash, just brotherly love.
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It began when he was 13. Their father, John Winchester, war hero, had been called away from his duty and back to the states to his sons. It had been so many years since either Sam or Dean had seen him, and save for a few letters that arrived every year, the stories from Uncle Bobby told them, and a few outdated pictures, their father was nothing but a wavering memory to them. For Sam, it was the mystery of their father's existence that got him excited to learn that he was coming home. For Dean, the stories of his father's bravery and strength made him worship his father as a hero; and in that, for the first time in too long to tell, he was going to meet his hero.
John was an angry, distant man; different from the stories Uncle Bobby told them. He and Sam fought over the smallest things.
John was a strong, proud man. Dean wanted to be just like him.
John sometimes went on hunts with his friends. One day, Dean managed the courage to ask him to take him along.
John told Dean that he wasn't fit for hunting. He didn't give a specific reason, but Dean figured it out quickly enough. He'd always been a chubby little kid. It had to be that; there was no other reason. So, Dean opted to do whatever it took to be good enough to join his father on his hunts, to make him proud. Dean started to run, to lift weights, and to eat less. Fat, more from his youth than anything else, melted away, and he became this lean, strong little thing.
It was then that John got called back to the war. It was there that he died.
Dean never knew if his father would have taken him hunting had he not gotten called back. The horrifying conclusion was uncertainty.
Was he good enough? Would he ever be good enough? Could he try?
The young boy decided that he had to; he couldn't stop until he was sure his father would have accepted him, become proud of him. The little that he ate before turned into nothing. He avoided anything at all with calories, fat. Water became his diet. Exercising became his life. He got thinner.
Sammy was the first to notice, because as everybody always told him, his little brother was smart. At first, the little boy asked him why he wasn't eating dinner, and for the first time, Dean told the one he was supposed to protect a lie. "I did, Sammy, just earlier." Sammy wasn't fooled.
Dean wore heavy clothes in order to keep Sammy from noticing his weight, since lately he'd been looking at him with these big, concerned eyes. His little brother asked him if he was all right. "I'm fine, Sammy. I'm always fine. Don't worry. I'm the one that looks out for you, remember?"
Dean didn't eat, and it felt great; it felt as though he was accomplishing something big. Each pound lost was a triumph, each ounce of gained weight a failure. The scale stayed underneath his bed; up until Sammy found it. He told on him to Bobby, and Dean was forced to stand on the scale while his brother and not-even-blood-related Uncle watched the numbers go down and down. Dean yelled. Sammy cried. Bobby's face went pale. They sent him away.
Dean was diagnosed only a year later with anorexia nervosa. He was sent to a clinic, which didn't help. As soon as he was out, and feeling both fat and like a failure with all the weight he gained back, old habits started again; only Dean got better at playing the game. With both Sammy and Bobby watching, he learned to push his food around to make it look like he ate more than he did. He learned to hide his food to dispose of it later. He told them he was going to the library, when in fact he was going jogging for a few hours.
Several months later, he collapsed in gym class.
Several hours later, Sammy punched him in the jaw while he laid in his hospital bed. Sammy didn't cry, but he begged; not for Dean to start eating, but for Dean to open up, tell him why he was doing this to himself.
Dean couldn't.
Sammy held onto him and begged some more, and told him that he wasn't alone, that he would never be alone as long as he was here. He told him that he respected and loved him more than anything or anyone else in the entire world, and all he wanted was for his big brother to be happy and healthy.
Dean felt loved and accepted. He tried his best to be honest for his little brother. He tried not to hide his food, he tried not to lie and say he was going to the library when all he wanted to do was burn off everything he ate and then-some. For his baby brother, he tried. He gained the weight back.
Everything wasn't great, but it was good. Dean had some friends around school, but at night he would lay in the bedroom he shared with Sammy, and they would talk about everything. They would talk about movies and sports and jokes and girls and life. Sammy especially loved to talk, and at times, it was Dean's lullaby.
Then, Sammy got accepted to Stanford University.
Then, everything changed.
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To be continued…