I sat in my den thinking. I was thinking that I was a week mouse-brain
that couldn't see past her own whiskers. I had nearly destroyed my own
clan by making that one choice. What had I done? The thought haunted
me, like a bad dream from which I could never wake. In some part of my
clouded mind I knew I was only making things worse by sitting on my
nest, and letting Fireheart lead the clan. But I also knew that I
could no longer trust myself. They had tried to tell me, but I was
foolish and headstrong. I was set in my ways, and Fireheart and I both
almost died because of it. If I had just used my head, Fireheart
wouldn't be forced to take my place as I sat here looking at the wall.
Ravenpaw might still be here, serving his clan. My beloved ThunderClan
would still trust me. I don't know who I can rely on now. I am a
worthless fool that should never have led her clan. And now I think
about my kits. I gave them up only to become a worthless thing that
should perhaps not even be called a cat. What can I do? I feel like a
mouse under a warrior's claws. I can't speak to anyone without the
fear that I'll say the wrong thing. I'm an idiot that deserves to die
a slow painful death. Then I will be in StarClan, but does that even
mean anything? After all, they didn't help me deal with Tigerclaw, and
they aren't helping me now. My clan is so loyal, but Tigerclaw was
too. I can trust nothing and no one. I am the biggest mistake the
clans have ever seen.
I try to forget. I have to forget the cats who depend on me. I cannot think about the apprentices who want nothing more than to get their warrior names. I can't remind myself of young Snowkit who cannot be made an apprentice. I can't afford the regret and guilt at what I have become. When I see Fireheart, I want to say so much. I just don't want to open up to him. He is likely a monster himself. But he told me about Tigerclaw, so he must mean well.
I am lost. I am confused. I was once a leader, but now I am nothing. Now I am no one.
A/n: I hope you liked that. I know it's kind of dark, but I wanted to share what I think Bluestar went through.