Disclaimer: I don't own Austin and Ally.
Is it wrong to feel hatred towards so many people for the stupidest thing. It's my fault that I don't have a life and they do. Not only that but any one I try to talk to doesn't even know I exist. It is almost as if i'm just another face in the crowd. Some one taking up oxygen others need to breathe. Eating food that could be going to starving people in Africa. I use all these resources that so many others need, yet no one notices. The worst part is as I use these resources I feel bad, I could give them to someone and save their lives. Yet, instead here I am using them, thinking about how my use of them is causing someone else somewhere to die a slow agonizing death.
My supposed friends don't even feel the need to talk to me. It's summer, time for friends and fun, but my life feels like it is lacking both. The time between school years that is supposed to be used spending with friends turns into me hiding in my room. Trying to sleep as much as possible so that I can hide from reality. The fact that no matter how hard I try I will just another nameless face in a crowd full of people with so much potential.
I just wish that someone would notice me. When someone does I feel the need to change to fit what kind of friend they want. Eventually they find out who I really am and leave. Who am I though? I honestly don't know anymore. The real me got lost a long time ago in the midst of the constant change.
I want to be seen in the crowd, I want to be able to be myself without fear of what others will think. I want to be proud of myself when I wear a tutu in public. Or buy a Jasmine costume even though I am way to old. I don't want to be looked down upon. I want to be proud that i'm short and not care about all the things said about my height. Is it so wrong to want to be able to dress like myself and not get called a slut or a nerd.
Yes, everyone has the wish to be popular, but me I could care less about popularity. I just want to be noticed. I want to be able to walk down the halls on the first day of school and people know my name. Not them giving me looks as they try to figure out if i'm new. I want to be able to have friends to talk to when ever I need to. Even if it happens to be one in the morning, about me worrying that monkeys are going to crawl through my window and kill me.
All these wishes and secret wants shall never come true as long as I don't find the true me. I just need to find myself and everything else will hopefully fall into place. It's not that easy though. In order to find me I have to stop listening to others and changing for them. I have to be brave, confident, and independent. I can't rely on others to make all the tough decisions in my life.
I need to be able to follow my heart even when it leads me to a potentially scary situation. I can't ask my friends about what I have to do when I have an inner debate on whether or not to text my crush. It's my problem not theirs. I have to be my own person not what I think others want me to be. I can't be afraid to do what I want, even if it means hurting my friends feelings. If they are true friends they will understand, right? They will support my decisions even if they are not the best in the world.
My friends won't judge what shows I like, they will except them. They will watch them with me and pretend to like them even if they think it is the worst thing in the world. It's what friends are for, they are there to support you when you can't do it yourself. They accept you for who you are.
As I write this to all of you I have figured out who I am. I'm the girl who sits in the back of the class because I don't like people starring at me. I am the person who loves to wear skirts and dresses, but never does because I am afraid of what people will say. I am the girl who loves to write music and work in my dads music store. I am the person with so many fears that most would think I wouldn't even be able to leave my house. Yet, I do, and everyday I face the world, not because I have to, but because I want to.
I am Ally Dawson.