The Path
Part 1 of 3
Disclaimers: Characters belong to Joss, blah, blah, blah…
Notes: Takes place sometime after Wrecked and all events leading to it have happened. From Tara's point of view.
Special Thanks: to Paul for beta-ing

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How did I get here?

How did things get so bad, so quick? Where did it go wrong? At what point did I take a wrong turn, a left instead of a right.

I look out the window and onto the train platform. I see a family walking up to the train. The parents dragging the luggage with one arm and swinging their little boy with the other.

They're here, they're on the same train out of Sunnydale. Ah, but they're happy and together, I tell myself.

I watch them as they get on the same car as me, taking seats three rows ahead of me. I watch them with a tinge of jealousy as they put their luggage in the overhead compartments. They don't bicker, they don't fight over seats, they're a family and they're happy.

How come they get to be happy and I don't? Why doesn't the world feel my pain? For a split second I wish that, wherever that they are going I hope that they have a horrible time, just for a split second before the guilt kicks in. No, no one should ever feel what I feel right now.

The father kisses the mother before picking up his son and tickling the boy in his lap. I turn to look out the window again and sigh. The train slowly pulls out of the station. Someone's cell phone starts to ring and all I think about is how did I get here?

Ring…

Ring…

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Ring…

I jump.

Ring…

Just the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Tara, its me Dawn."

I smile. "Hey Dawnie. What's going on?"

"Nothing much. I was wondering if you want to come over for dinner tonight?"

After the last time I went to their place, the awkward level would be way too much. "I don't think…"

Sensing my hesitation she quickly interrupts. "Buffy and Willow are doing the research and patrol thing tonight." She assures me. "Which means I have no food to eat at home, so I'm gonna have to call takeout and do you really trust a 16 year old to order something even resembling a healthy meal?"

I can't help but giggle. She knows me too well. I can picture a smug smile on her lips at the other end of the line.

"Okay but how about I take you out for dinner?" I ask.

"Yay!" she replies enthusiastically.

"I'll meet you at your place at six."

" 'kay, see you tonight. Bye."

"Bye." Click.

Finally something to look forward to. I look at my textbook and notes. Ugh, but homework first.

---

Summers' residence. I look at my watch. 6:00pm on the dot. You learn to be punctual in Sunnydale especially after dark or else people make assumptions and become overtly concerned.

Knock. Knock.

I hear the frantic footsteps of an excited teen. The door swings open and I'm greeted by a hug before I even get to say Hi.

"I miss you too." I pull back and thank the monks for leaving the Slayer strength out of her DNA or else my ribs would be seeing major damage even though she only hugged me with one arm. It still pains me to see that sling. "So you ready to go?" I ask.

Dawn steps back to grab her coat and keys while I continue to stand outside, unwilling to cross the threshold, staring at what use to be my home. My home… I've lived in a lot of different places in my life but I've only ever had one home and now even that isn't mine anymore. The hall lights go off and she appears at the door again.

"Yep" She turns to lock the door. "And don't worry I left a note for Buffy telling her that I'm out to dinner with you. I've also made sure that everything is turned off and all the doors and windows are locked."

I smile and shake my head. She really knows me too well.

Dinner is blissfully peaceful. We talk about music, movies, boys, and tactfully avoid the serious topics and I am grateful to her for that.

"So how about a movie? Lord of the Rings is playing. Orlando Bloom for me and Liv Tylor for you." She wiggles her eyebrows while polishing off her sundae.

"I don't think so, it's almost ten and that's a three hour movie and you have school tomorrow." I tell her.

She pouts and we have a mini stare down before she switches to a different tactic. The Puppy Dog Face and I falter a bit. Oh, that was low move but I don't give in, not this time, but she doesn't budge either. This could be a while and it is getting dark out, so I compromise.

"Friday, we'll go see it Friday." I offer.

"Okay, fine." She rolls her eyes.

"C'mon, we better get going. Do you want me to drop you off at the Magic Box or at home?"

"Home's fine. They're probably out patrolling already and Anya will just make me do clean up work."

The walk home was thankfully quiet and demon-free. Both of us just enjoying a normal evening walk, a rarity on the Hellmouth. Before I know it we're back at her house. She holds the door open for me and like before I freeze at the doorway.

"I don't think that's a good idea, not after the last time." I said without looking away from the door.

"I understand." She replies softly. She steps back outside and closes the door. We move to the porch bench and she sits down next to me. There's an awkward silence. We both know that the subject we've been avoiding all night would eventually be brought up. I guess now's the time but she beats me to it.

"Look I'm not defending her or anything cause hey," she points to her sling "but I still believe that you two belong together."

"It's not that simple." I say quietly.

"I know but after…the incident, she's changed. She's really trying this time. I know that the spell she did on you and on all of us was wrong and bad, especially with the whole Glory thing but that night… I think that night she really scared herself and I believe that she realizes the consequences of doing magics." She looks at me, searching for some flicker of hope but I remain silent.

She tries again. "If it helps, I forgive her."

I turn to look away. My tears start to brim. If it were that simple, if all it took was a single phrase to heal my heart. Oh, how I wish…

"She needs help, she needs you." Dawn pleads.

"She does need help which is why I'm relying on you and Buffy to help her and look after her because my being here will be too much of a reminder, too much of a temptation to use magic again."

"Not true…" she tries to reason.

"Oh, Dawnie." I interrupt. I have to stop her before she eventually breaks my resolve. "She has to sort out her own issues before we can even address ours."

Snap.

We both turn to look to the side of the house where the sound originated. She then turns to me, her eyes wide. I motion for her to get inside and she complies, then I feel under the bench and grab one of the many stakes that I know Buffy stashes throughout the house. I don't know what good it'll do considering whatever this thing is, it isn't a vampire because it's breathing like a broken diesel engine. I also don't know why I'm actually going to check this out. Because if it is a demon then it'll probably break into the house and hurt Dawn, I tell myself. But I'm not the cool monster fighter nor am I proficient with a stake but any weapon is better then none.

"B-Buffy, is that you?" Nothing. "Hello, i-is somebody there?"

I slowly inch to the edge of the house. Maybe it's not a demon, maybe it's just the neighbours. I peek around the house. Oh shit. It's a demon. A very big demon. A very big, hairy, and sharp claws and teeth demon. The stake in my hand suddenly feels like a toothpick. I look up…and up to meet its eyes and they start glowing red. I slowly back away. It starts to growl and I turn to run.

I make it to the front lawn before I feel its hand grab my neck, its claws puncturing my skin. This can't be good. A spell, c'mon brain give me a spell but it's too late. The demon lifts me off the ground and the sudden added pressure on my neck completely cuts off my air supply. I struggle against it. I kick and punch and pull and scratch but I don't even think the demon feels it. My vision dims, the blood starts to pound in my ears, and my limbs feel too heavy to move anymore. I hear voices in the background or at least I think I hear voices, this could just be the part where my life flashes before my eyes. I hear Willow's voice… Hear her laugh. Feel her touch...

Suddenly the grip around my neck loosens a bit and I regain a breath of air. I look down to see a blonde blur hitting the demon followed by a red blur.

"Buffy. Willow." I gasp but I seriously doubt any sound came out.

I push harder but the demon is stronger, his claws digging deeper into my neck. I can feel the blood trickling down my chest. Buffy is caught by a backhand and sent crashing into one of the porch beams. I try warning Willow but she too is flung behind me and I can twist my head just enough to see her slam into a tree. She quickly gets up and I'm surprised because I don't think the Slayer is even up yet. Then I hear it all around me, the humming, a build-up of mystical energy.

Oh No.

The hairs on my arms stand on end. The intensity is hurting my ears. Apparently it's hurting the demons' as well because it drops me and staggers back a bit while tearing at its ears. I land on my back, the air exploding into my lungs and I take desperate gasps of air. I slowly roll over to look for Willow and I find her by the tree surrounded by red lightning. I yell for her to stop but she can't hear me, I can't even hear me. Too late, damn it! Always too late. The lightning gathers in her hands and as I duck down the energy is unleashed and I hear something akin to a muffled explosion followed by a distant crash. I look up to see Willows' prone figure at the base of the tree.

"Willow!" I croak out as I stumble and crawl over to her.

No please don't be… Not like this…

I stagger to her side and gently cradle her. She doesn't respond.

"Willow?" I squeak out

Nothing.

"Baby, please open your eyes." I plead.

Her eyes flutter open and relief washes over me as I look into those magnificent green orbs. She smiles and whispers my name. At this point I can no longer hold my tears back. I gather her up in my arms and hug her. When I put her back down she's out again.

"Oh god!" What did I do?

I quickly check for a pulse. It's weak but it's there. Frantically I look around, Xander and Dawn are standing on the porch. I yell at them to call an ambulance. Xander goes back inside while Dawn goes to help her sister up.

Flashing lights are suddenly everywhere. Red and blue, red and blue, red and blue.

"We'll take it from here Miss."

Be careful she's…

"Please step back Miss."

But she's…

"What's your name Miss?"

Is she…

"Let's have those paramedics look at your neck Miss."

And then there's no more flashing lights, just white.

I look up from the hospital floor and I see the entire gang around me: talking, pacing, and fidgeting. I don't know which is worse, coming here as a patient or as a visitor…or both. I pick at the bandage around my neck, it's chaffing me and the chair is uncomfortable but serves its purpose, as I can't rely on my legs holding me up at this moment. Buffy walks over and places a comforting hand on my shoulder. I look up and try to say thank you but the words get stuck by the lump in my throat. She understands though and offers me a smile back. She's about to say something but then the doctor finally arrives. The gang goes to gather around him but I still can't get up. My arms are gripping onto the chair as if it were my last lifeline, funny that I now seek comfort in what must be one of the most uncomfortable chairs in the world. I'm afraid, so afraid of hear the bad news. Maybe if don't hear it then it's not real. Maybe if I just plug my ears and don't listen.

Buffy notices my absence from the group and comes back to carefully pry me out of the chair and help me up. She guides me over to the others while I rely on her slayer strength to keep me up.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Sorenson. Are you the family of Willow Rosenberg?" He asks.

Buffy nods. Not the immediate family but the actual family that matters, so not really a lie. "So how is she?"

"Miss. Rosenberg suffered a mild concussion, a hairline crack on one of her ribs, and some minor bumps and bruises. Nothing really serious but I am concerned though, she seems to show signs that might indicate that she has a eating disorder or substance problems, does she…?"

"No! She'd never…" Buffy replies but unable to finish. I know that she feels guilty. Guilty for not seeing the signs, for not being there to help, and for not stopping her. Oh Buffy, it's not your fault, I was with her and I didn't see it until it was too late. It's actually more of my fault.

"Its just stress. Our family has had a lot to deal with lately. Can we see her?" she asks.

He scribbles something in the medical chart that he's holding before continuing.

"Yes, this way please." He leads us to her room. "She's probably not going to wake up until tomorrow and we will probably keep her for an extra day for observation. Now all of you can only stay for about an hour before the nurse will ask you to leave. This is because visiting hours are over but I've talked to them to let you stay for a bit. You can all come back tomorrow." He leaves and the room is silent.

No one knows what to do or say. They all look at me, waiting for me to make a move. So I oblige. I go over to the bed and sit down on the edge taking her hand in mine. They all relax a bit and collectively let go a breath of relief. I don't know what they were expecting me to do? To yell, to rant and rave about the consequences of magics, or to just turn around and run out. Run out…I always run. An ugly thought rears its head. Maybe it's time for me to run again. If this is how it's going to be every time then it maybe the only way that it'll stop hurting her I rationalize. Buffy approaches from behind.

"Are you okay?" she asks softly.

"I'm fine. The doctor said it was minor scratches and bruises. I'll heal." I answer without look away from Willow. Yeah, those will heal but what about my heart? Will it heal when I have to do what I have to do?

I know that's not what Buffy meant when she asked that question but right now my emotions is too much on a rollercoaster ride to properly answer. I also know that Buffy isn't going to be satisfied with that and will probably try again. So I stop her before she can try.

"Can I have a moment alone with Willow?" I ask quietly.

"Of course. We'll be just outside, okay?"

I nod in reply and she starts to usher everyone else out. I turn to look at Willow again. Her red hair standing out in contrast to her pale face and the white sheets, like a fiery halo. I brush a stray strand aside.

"Is this how it's going to be every time?" I whisper. "I can't be here if I know that this is what you'll be doing every time. Its hurting the both of us and its going to end up killing one of us. I think I have to leave, it's the only way and I'm sorry that I'm too much of a coward to wait until you get up but it's easier this way in the long run. I know you'll hate me for doing this but know that I still love you."

I lean down to kiss her. A single tear escapes and falls on her cheek. I brush it away with my thumb.

"Always and forever."

I get up to leave. As I reach the door, I turn for one last look before I walk out on my love, on my life. Buffy looks at me expectantly. I can't meet her eyes, afraid that she'll find out.

"I'm ok, really. S-she's still out." I try to reassure her. She doesn't believe me but she knows that she won't get anything from me.

"Do you want to come home with us tonight?" She offers.

I politely decline but I do take up Xander's offer of a ride back to my place. The ride was quiet, the tension in the car was as thick as molasses. Upon arrival at my dorm, both Buffy and Dawn provided hugs, reassurances, and support. I try to smile back at them but it doesn't reach my eyes. I can tell by their worried glances. I look around my new dorm, most of my stuff is still in boxes. I never really tried to get settled here because I always thought I would go back to my family, not the ones with my blood but the ones in my heart.

I sigh. At least this will make leaving easier.

---

The Summers' residence again. The porch again. Three times in one night, you'd think I was drawn to this place or something.

"You going somewhere?" I hear from a voice behind me.

"B-Buffy!" I jump a bit.

Damn her slayer abilities, she's always so quiet when she needs to be stealthy. She looks at me suspiciously.

"I swung by after patrol to see if you wanted to talk. I saw you leaving with your bags and followed you back here." She pauses a bit to lean on the good porch beam that's left. "Why'd you come back? I mean you're obviously going to run, so why'd you come back?"

I nervously fidget with the envelope in my hands. Buffy notices so I lift it up to show her.

"I wanted to at least give you guys an explanation. You deserve more then just a letter but I couldn't say it face to face because I know all of you would try to stop me."

"Damn right we would!" she says with force.

"And I don't know how long my resolve would've last if you guys really pushed for me to stay." I continued.

She nods towards the letter.

"Well since you're here, save me from the reading and just give me the gist of it. Like the why part."

"Because I'm hurting her." I say with sorrow.

"No, she's hurting herself. That's why she needs all of us to help her. We're a family, we need you, she needs you." Buffy pleads.

"Buffy" I sigh. "I just… I need to breathe again because it seems like I've been holding my breath for the longest time. Always waiting for something to set her off."

She gives me a sympathetic look before realization dawns upon her face.

"You're not leaving for her, you're leaving for yourself." She states.

I flash her a glare but her face suddenly softens and she continues before I can argue.

"And I understand that. I've been where you're at, so I know no matter what I say you're still going to leave. Just some advice, no matter where you go it doesn't really get better. The pain is always going to be there, it's the life we live. It's those who we surround ourselves with that make it hurt a little less. You have family here, we'll always be here for you."

I don't want to believe. I want to think that it will heal with time but one look into her eyes and I know that's a lie. There is so much pain in those eyes. There is so much pain between all of us. What did we do to deserve the pain of the world?

"Have you decided where you gonna go?" she ask quietly.

"Los Angelas." I shrug. "It was the first train out tomorrow morning. I'd figure I would decide on the final place when I get there."

"Here wait, let me get you something."

She quickly walks to the door, unlocks it and heads inside. For the third time tonight I still can't go in. I wait outside by the door. She shows up again and hands me a piece of paper, it has a phone number on it.

"It's Angel's, actually Angel Investigations. If you need help when you're there, well they help the helpless." She gives me a weak smile. "But call us when you get wherever you're going, or anytime, or if you need help, or just want to talk, or when you want to come back, okay?"

I nod and smile then I hear noises from upstairs followed by a voice.

"Buffy? Is that you, I heard the door and talking." A groggy Dawn appears at the top of the stairway. She finally notices me after a couple of seconds and her eyes go wide. "Tara?"

She quickly comes down the stairs and heads straight into me for a hug.

"Are you ok? Are you staying here tonight? You can room with me if you don't want to sleep in your old room." Her voice slightly muffled by my shoulder.

"No Dawnie, umm I just came to say good-bye."

"Good-bye?" she questions.

I know I'm going to hate this part. "I'm leaving."

She pulls back a bit to look at me. "What are you talking about, you already moved out?" Then realization hits her. The look on her face pains me and I quickly look away.

"No! You can't! She's getting better, it was just this one time that's all." I can hear the desperation in her voice. Then she holds on to me even tighter. "I need you too. Please don't leave." I hear between muffled sobs.

"I'm sorry." I kiss the top of her head and I whisper, "I love you. Be good."

"Dawn…" Buffy slowly pries her off of me.

I hand Buffy the envelope. "For her. Take care of her for me."

She nods before she grabs me for an embrace. Her slayer strength in addition to my attempt at holding in my tears is making it hard for me to breathe. She disentangles and recomposes herself.

"Take care." and offers me one last squeeze on my arms.

I nod and whisper a heartfelt good-bye. I turn around and head towards the awaiting cab. I walk the hardest 15 steps in my life. I get into the taxi and tell the cabbie where I want to go. As he pulls away, I follow their porch light and wait until it fades from view before I finally breakdown and cry. The reality of the situation hits me like the truck that creamed Glory not so long ago. Sobs wrack my body. I'm pretty sure the cabbie is giving me strange looks but I don't care. I didn't even cry when I left my house to come to Sunnydale. I manage to pull myself together by the time we reach the train station and the cabbie offers me a sympathetic look as I pay him. I grab my luggage and head up to the platform. I look at the train and all I can think is…

How did I get here?

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