As I sit on these steps that I have climbed up many times, I think of how things could have been; if I was a better person, if I wasn't a monster, if I could have been human, I might have lived a happy life with kouta, if only I hadn't been so stupid as a child.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret what I have done; in all honesty, I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for the horrible things I have done, and knowing that if I can't even forgive my own self, then how could kouta ever find it in his heart to forgive me? After all I did destroy the boys life, I killed his sister and father right in front of him and then I was going to kill yuka, he will never ever be able to forgive me, and... I'm okay with that, because I don't deserve to be forgiven; I don't deserve his kindness and love, I don't deserve that from anyone; because I am a monster, a horrible being that should have never been born into this world, a being that should have never crossed paths with a kind boy who showed her the happiest moments of her life, and she repays him by destroying his.
But despite all that, there is a sadness in my heart because I want him to forgive me, I want him to love me, but I know that it can never happen, because if I stay with him I will only cause him pain and suffering, I would only cause all of them pain and suffering, because thats what I am, a being that only brings pain into peoples life's and then asks for forgiveness that I don't deserve.
But, tonight all that will end; I will say my goodbyes to kouta, I will fight my last battle, and I will not win.
Tonight will be the night that I die, I will die a miserable being that has finally accepted her fate in this world; a fate that isn't kind in the least bit.
But I'm also happy, cause that means I will be set free from all this pain and suffering, I will not be able to hurt someone again, and kouta can go back to living a life he deserves, who he will share this life with; I don't know. but whatever may come his way I wish him happiness.
Because I know that with me here, he will never find it, but still if I have the right to make this hopeless wish; If I am reborn, I would like to meet kouta again, I know I don't deserve it, but it would be nice to have a second chance; to be able to do things right.