Castlevania: Whispers of a Golden Night.
A/N: This story is dedicated to mah fren, Kylisha – this is for you loopy FUCK!
A/N: This is partially a crack fic, a troll fic and just an author's exercise to see how retarded I can get before write anything worth of credit, henceforth, I used the username Mr Ugg rather than my actual name, Erika James.
Disclaimer: I own everything presented in this story.
(Because you would totally expect me to).
Chapter One: The End or is it?
Dragula's magnetic eyeballs snapped into a billion shrapnel's as Alucard recoiled his talking elf excrement encrusted pickle from the wicked, zillion-year-old vampire's bloody socket. The sonic screams of the gods of Olympia pounded the air as their idol was brutally skulledfucked so closely into submission. Their muscular and beautifully sculptured bodies began to shrink back into their celestial, skinny forms. They screamed in pain as they wished they ate more to build moar gains rather than spending their time eating at the IKEA cafeteria.
Alucard is now facing his final battle. The battle for the infinity blade of infinite darkness and lightness as well as rescuing the mayor McCheese's daughter, Chlarmidyaa from the evil Tatiana's plan to make her his wife. Not to mention the soul grasps Lord Dracula has on the entire earth, planning to get the Olympic gods to feed on the earth. And who can forget sick little Timmy's wish for the Tamper Bay Ray's to score the winning touchdown in the superbowl?
His journey was just about to end; he had come so far, from killing his succubus girlfriend when she killed his mother, to training with the African Master of Jungles in the jungles of Master Africa, then slowly making his way to the castle in Romania. He faced many rivals and enemies along the way – so much blood has been spilt along his lonely road. (A/N: So much in fact the local commission decided to change the name of said road from Bloody Massacre Avenue to Martin Luther King Jr. street out of respect for the victims). He killed them all, the Jabbawockies, the Dragons of the East, the 40 ninjas of the east, Lord Dragonoff, Angelic Pickles and Ragonov – the Hunter in the smog. It was actually a pretty cool adventure, you should have seen it!
"Roar! I now shall become a dinosaur!" and Dragula became a dinosaur.
Dinoclar tried to hit Alucard with his fist, but it was too tiny and he broke a nail; then wailed like a little pansie.
A broken column exploded into a trillion shrapnells and He-man emerged, dried blood strewn over his large, juicy, fabulous, sexually ambiguous muscles.
"Some men will just break down and die when you drop a ton of stone of them, but not me, no, not me" he said, "and I do not need me sword, or my tiger or anything but my raw fists to defeat you, o' evil vampire!"
Dinoclar and Alucard stared at the half naked man. Alucard knew not of the man being trapped under the column, he thought it must have been for decoration or something. Y'know, like an ornament to bring out that destroyed church in the middle of nowhere, where the final battle will take place kind of feel. In one swipe, Dinoclar swung his head down bit the gay dude in twine.
"Ahhh! My sexiness!" He-man screamed before lethally dying dead.
Dinoclar turned back to Alucard, who sent a hellfire laden barbed wired mega fist into the dinosaurs stomach and ripped out his intestines. Dinoclar fell to a crumpled heap on the filthy tiled floor. Alucard spoke of nothing.
Honestly, what one liner could possibly be made when you rip out vampire dinosaurs intestines out with a super powered barbed wired fist on fire?
A/N: Honestly, who writes this garbage…oh wait, me. Honestly, who could write such a beautiful story?
Alucard spun on his black boot and stared at the giant inter-dimensional vein at the alter where Tatiana was crucified in the face.
He was about to rip open the vein and suck all its juicy goodness out but he heard a buzzing sound behind him. He turned around and suddenly the dinoclar's intestines were pulsating in the air. The dinoclar's intestines exploded and several beings came out. Suddenly, Alucard was attacked by billions of Satan's, Lucifers, Devils and Sarah Palins.
Alucard stared, ":O!"
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ALUCARD?
WILL HE BE ABLE TO DEFEAT HIS NEW FOE ONCE AND FOR ALL?
AND WILL ROBIN FINALLY LEARN TO GROW A PAIR AND DEFEAT HIS GREATEST FOE, VIRGINITY!
LOOK OUT FOR CASTLEVANIA PART II COMING OUT, NEXT PAGE!
SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT CHANNEL!