Title: Shatter Away
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I do not own Weiß Kreuz or any of its characters. They all belong to their respected owners. Blah blah blah...
Warnings: Pure shonen-ai . Don't like it, don't read it. Also, this is a Glühen fic, so it holds small SPOILERS for episode eight.
Author's Notes: Please read and review.
I envy him.
He's changed so much, his mind becoming more and more disillusioned by his past. But I suppose the same could be said of myself, of my current situation, for I too am shattering... And my clumsy, crooked fingers can never hope to find all the pieces that seem to float away with the rain. Unfortunate am I, because shattering inside myself has caused more injury than his ironic way of shattering inside his memories...
He knows - he must know, must understand, how sick he has become; how ill he has turned. But I believe he accepts that... To become healthy again would mean to forget. But that wouldn't be him, that wouldn't be Weiß...
xoxox
I can hear him talking to nothing but a mere image he has locked deep within his own crumbling frame. Remembering her - it burdens him... But to forget her - I would personally hand him his death then, if that was the case... Her memory sustains his faltering breaths... She is his reason for living... And she'll never leave him lonely - even if she is just a ghost...
"Do you ever wish you could forget your past?" he has asked more than once.
No, I could never wish that. Why can't he see that as long as he is trapped within his memories, he is never alone? Why can't he see his fortunes between his pains?
He's crying again, in his bedroom - door locked, curtains drawn. I can't hear the muffled whimpers, but I can taste his tears. They're running dry down my throat, easing no thirst, soothing no sore. But the tears keep flowing, a waterless stream that leaves me bitter. He is pitying himself again and I just want to scream, Fool! You should be pitying me! I am the one alone! I am the one who's haunting past refuses to acknowledge! How I wish for one nightmare that brings to light my forlorn past! How I wish my memories conferred with me on a daily basis! How I wish I wasn't so alone, so trapped within my own horrid self! I really long to be like you...
But those words never make it out of the frozen chambers of my eroding heart....
xoxox
He's never alone, and I am always alone... I wish I was him. I wish I could keep company within my mind. But I have no ghosts that speak to me... I have no illusions to converse with...
I am alone. And I just want to ask him, Can you take away this loneliness...?
xoxox
At night, I come to him, chiding his mistakes, reprimanding his idle remarks. But he never listens to me... I wish I had that quality - that I could refuse to listen to my own hoarse voice. But I can't...
I just can't...
I am alone within myself and my own voice is the only one that is willing to greet me...
xoxox
"What are you doing?" His eyes are wide, as I block his exit. He isn't in the mood for unusual actions - the ghost must be coming to visit him again.
"I..." Why can't explain myself? Why do I feel like I'm losing to my own dark nature? Is it so wrong to hate being alone...?
"Hey -!" But his words do not stop me, as my lips devour his own. Stunned, I believe is the appropriate word for his reaction. No nightly lover, no fly-by Romeo... He is acting like he's thirteen and this is his first kiss... But then again, I wonder idly how many other men has he kissed...
"Get off me -!" he snarls, shoving my broken body back at the wall. He seems too bewildered to make a regular, flippant remark. Maybe if I was one of the younger Weiß... Maybe if I wasn't me...
"No," I tell him, pursuing him while the emptiness devastates me. "I need..."
Comfort? Peace? Control? Love? Or maybe just some company?
Pulling him into my bedroom, I feel like a dark emotion overpowering my own conscience. This isn't right, yet...
I take him, running jealous fingers over a shattered soul that has lost the will to fight... We're entangled in the sheets, sweat pouring over each of us... But the more I receive of him, the more distance I feel between us...
His body has been used by Kriker yet again tonight. But he's lost the ability to feel hurt by this...
xoxox
The front door is opening and someone is home. It doesn't matter who, but it makes our time together brief. Yet I can't say I'm upset by the change of events...
He's an amazing lover, but...
I gather my clothes and re-dress while he lays panting on my disheveled bed, trying to comprehend my current actions. I bow out from our former stage, trying to understand why I don't feel any better... Why I don't feel apart of some type of love... I should, but I don't...
xoxox
Before I make it away from the door, I here a sigh that whispers through invisible tears, "I am guilty..."
I turn and see him staring at my desk, where the chair is pulled out. He's eyes are seeing something I cannot, nor ever will.
"... I know," he softly responds to words I'll never hear. "I cannot be saved..."
Slam.
I storm away, envy clawing once more at my inwards, knowing that what I really needis...
His faint whisper follows me: "Asuka..."
No, he really isn't ever alone.
xoxox
"Aya, I'm back." the brunette boy tells me briskly, munching on a two-rate burrito. "Oi -" He looks around the kitchen, a frown wrinkling his brow. "- where's Youji?" Then his eyes rest on me - the fallen one, the guilty one, the lone Weiß. "Aya, what's the matter?"
Staring at his gentle concern, my eyes narrow. Will he save me from this emptiness? Can he save my lonely heart? Can he do what Youji's touch couldn't...?
I wonder... Ken, will you be able to accompany me while I shatter away?
The End
Author's Notes: I'd really appreciate it if you'd review. Thanks!