"Please, Dembe, I have to see him!"
"No, Elizabeth, I'm very sorry. He was very clear that he did not wish to be disturbed tonight" Dembe was adamant, blocking the entrance to Red's current safe house. While not warm, the compassionate regret in the large man's eyes was more of a welcome than Lizzie had received from anyone since her return. Red had orchestrated her and Agnes' rescue from Alexander Kirk almost a month ago in a bloody battle that had resulted in severe injury for many of Red's men and body bags for almost all of Kirk's. Kirk himself had managed to escape, but with both Red and the FBI hunting him openly now, it wouldn't be long before he fell. Red had held her tightly to him for a brief moment when he found her in the locked suite of rooms she and Agnes had been kept in, but quickly disappeared after that. He had refused to see her since.
There had been no sign of Tom since she had returned to D.C. and she was glad. He had left them for dead with Kirk and that had finally brought the truth of who he really was home to her. She never wanted to see him again and she certainly didn't was him around her daughter.
On her two visits to the Post Office in the weeks since, her former colleagues there had wanted little or nothing to do with her beyond what was necessary to debrief her on her time as Kirk's prisoner and what she might know about his plans, She didn't really blame them after everything she had put them through, but it still hurt.
God, when she thought about the funeral and how they must have all mourned her, the guilt just ate at her. Now Samar stared at her coldly and walked away when Lizzie tried to speak to her and Cooper just looked at her with such sad disappointment it physically hurt to be near him. Even Ressler, with his fiery temper, had refused to even yell at her, instead quietly telling her he needed time and to leave him be for now.
Only Aram had shown signs of thawing, his heart too soft to stay angry for long. He had been the one to tell her about Red's devastation when he thought she was dead and of the violent rampage he had set out on when he sought to avenge her.
When Lizzie had shown up at Aram's apartment earlier this evening, she had been able to persuade him to locate Red for her and to watch Agnes while she came here to try and explain and apologize. And now it looked like she might not even make past Red's door.
"Dembe, please, I'm begging you! I have to try and make this right" Lizzie was feeling desperate and she let him see in on her face, needed him to understand how much this mattered. "If he doesn't want to see me after tonight, I promise to stay away, but I have to try, Dembe. I have to" she pleaded, on the verge of tears.
With a sigh he finally relented, moving aside and opening the door wide enough for her to slip through, but as she brushed past him, he stopped her with a hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him questioningly, becoming concerned at the worry and hesitation on his face.
"Elizabeth, Raymond has not been himself lately. Please, be very careful about how you approach him and with what you say." He waited for her nod of understanding before he dropped his hand from her shoulder and ushered her further into the hallway before disappearing into the kitchen, leaving her to find her own way to Red.
As she moved deeper into the interior of the dimly lit house, she could hear music playing further ahead. It was a haunting melody, moody and sad. It tickled at the edges of her memory, but she couldn't place it. Lizzie followed the lingering notes through the darkened rooms until she stopped in front of the closed door of what was probably a sitting room. Slowly she turned the handle and the door opened silently, allowing her to see into the center of the room.
Red sat with his back to her, seated at a piano, his dexterous hands moving with sensual grace over the keys. He had removed his suit jacket and tie and a decanter of Scotch sat next to his half full glass on top of the piano. He must have been completely lost in the music he was creating, for he never looked up, never turned around. Lizzie could see his reflection in the glass window pane opposite him, and his eyes were closed, his face a study of mingled pain and grief. He looked so tired and alone.
Lizzie stood in the doorway, unable to move, a frozen witness to this private moment. To her surprise, after playing the refrain again, Red began to sing. His voice wasn't exactly on pitch, but it was deep and strong. The words he sang were so wretchedly forlorn that they caused something in her chest to twist painfully as she listened, finally recognizing the song.
Did my best but it wasn't much
Couldn't feel so I tried to touch
I told the truth, I didn't come to fool ya
And even though it all went wrong
Stand before the Lord of song
With nothing on my tongue but hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
As the last notes began to fade, she could feel the tears running down her face. He was in so much pain. Had she done this to him? How was she ever going to fix this? Hopeless swept through her and she tried to choke back her sobs, tried to remain quiet, but she must have made some small noise because Red stiffened and slowly turned towards her.
"Lizzie…..Her name came out as a breath, and for just a moment, she saw something flare in his eyes before he schooled his features into a mask of cold indifference, the moment shattered by what lay broken between them.
Standing from the bench, he tugged his vest back into place before reaching for his glass on the piano, deliberately not looking at her now. At his silence, Lizzie slowly advanced further into the room, moving towards one of the leather chairs instead of to where he stood, afraid to crowd him, unsure of his mood. Before she could sit, his voice stopped her.
'Why are you here, Elizabeth? What could have possibly brought you around, uninvited, to my door at this hour?" His voice was flat and without any emotion, so different from how he normally spoke to her. Like she was an annoyance he could not wait to be rid of. God, she missed the joy and affection that used to fill his voice and light up his face when he saw her. She missed it so badly right then. She never realized how much she needed it, needed him, until she had run away and ruined everything.
She took a few deep breaths, trying to get her emotions under control, unsure how to begin now that she was here with him. This wasn't about her tonight she reminded herself. This was about trying to fix the damage she had caused. She just prayed she could.
"Red I came here tonight to try and explain why I did what I did and to tell you how sorry I am that I chose that path." She began, but he cut her off.
"Explanations aren't necessary, Elizabeth. You did what you thought was in your best interest at the time. I can hardly fault you for that, even though you were foolish in your methods. And apologies don't erase spilled blood; that stain runs far too deep for mere words to lift it out." Red paused for a moment, shook his head once and continued. "Nothing can turn back the hands of time, Elizabeth. What's done is done. Now I think you should leave." He never turned to look at her the entire time he was speaking and Lizzie wondered if he could no longer stand the sight of her. The thought of it made her frantic.
"I'm not leaving until you listen to me!" she cried. That outburst at least earned her a glare of annoyance.
"Fine, if you won't leave, then I will" he stated flatly. He moved towards the still open door, but as he walked past her, Lizzie reached out and put her hand on his arm to make him wait. He froze under her touch, his eyes drawn to where her hand rested on his forearm. When Red raised his stare to hers, she recoiled at the look of sheer loathing in his burning gaze. She jerked her hand from him as if burned and he turned away to continue out of the room.
"Just tell me what you're feeling, please!" Lizzie shouted her plea at his broad back, desperate to stop him from leaving while everything was so wrong between them. She was not prepared for the crash of noise when he hurled the crystal tumbler in his hand against the far wall without warning, a bellow seeming to rip from deep inside him. His rage filled the room, moving in slow, pulsing waves towards where she stood, pushing relentlessly against her, even as he remained as he was, still facing away from her, fists balled at his sides and his only movement the deep heaving breaths billowing in and out of his lungs as he fought to calm himself.
"Red, please…." She whispered.
At the sound of her broken plea, he whirled to face her and advanced quickly across the room, the cold fury on his face and in his predatory stride drove her back, stumbling away from him until her back hit the wall behind her and she could retreat no further. Red brought both palms up to slam against the paneling on either side of her head, making Lizzie jump and effectively trapping her in place.
"What am I feeling?" he grated, his face only inches from hers, the mask of indifference ripped away, his features openly displaying the full range of the emotions rioting through him now. He wasn't holding back any more and the rage flashing in his eyes made her feel, for the first time, afraid. After three years of trying, she had finally managed to make Raymond Reddington lose control, and it was terrifying to behold.
"Red, I know you're angry-" she tried, only to be silenced by his laugh, the words dying on her lips. Lizzie had never heard such a sound from him before, it was low and cruel and so very, very cold. It sent shivers of apprehension skittering across her skin.
"Oh, Lizzie, I am feeling a great many things right now, but anger is far too mild a descriptive for any of it. Enraged might get you closer to the mark. Betrayed would be apt as well. But most of all, Elizabeth, what I feel is tired. Tired of your selfishness and your self-righteous judgments. Tired of your childish and demanding behavior and your refusal to see what is right in front of you, no matter how many times I warn you. And I am utterly exhausted from trying to save you from yourself as you run from one disaster to the next, never thinking about the destruction you leave in your wake until it's too late" his voice was dripping with distain now.
"Tell me Lizzie, how many people have you hurt in your mad dash to a short lived freedom? How many lives have you cost? Did you even consider the consequences of your actions and how they would affect the people who aided you in your foolishness?" Not giving her a chance to answer, he went on, his own pain at what he was soon going to be required to do making him cruel.
"What do you think is going to happen to Mr. Kaplan now that she helped you? And to Nick?" He never raised his voice, the arctic cold of his tone far worse than if he had been screaming in her face and his words chilled her to the bone.
"What are going to do to them, Red?" she whimpered, terrified she already knew the answer. Her terror only grew as she watched his eyes go flat and dead as his face emptied of all emotion. His answer was as merciless as his gaze.
"You know the price of betrayal in my world, Elizabeth. You've forced my hand, left me no other choice. By helping you, they sealed their own fates. Who did you think was going to pay the price for what you've done?"