Something pulled Beca from sleep. She was on her back with Chloe pressed against her. Chloe was clingy in her sleep, often with an arm around Beca's waist and a leg over Beca's, just like now. It began the first night they moved into the studio they share with Fat Amy. At first, Beca was uncomfortable but now she accepted it as part of Chloe. She had even begun to look forward to it, not that she would ever confess that.
Whatever woke Beca up wasn't bothering her now, so she closed her eyes and tried to fall back asleep. She put her cheek on top of Chloe's head and shifted to get comfortable. Chloe moaned, the released air hitting Beca's neck at the same moment Chloe's hips bucked into Beca's hipbone.
Beca's eye shot open and her body tensed. Chloe's hips hit Beca again. Beca elbowed Chloe in the chest and hissed the girl's name. Chloe moaned again, snuggling closer into Beca's neck and squeezing her arm tighter around Beca's waist. Beca hissed Chloe's name with more urgency. Chloe's hips rubbed against Beca's and her hand slid under Beca's shirt, touching her stomach.
"Chloe! Wake up!" Beca tried to slide away from Chloe, causing her leg to rub higher under the one thrown across hers. Chloe clutched Beca against her body, releasing a gasp as her legs tensed around Beca's and her back arched. She opened her eyes, felt Beca's stiff body against hers and scrambled out the bed mumbling "oh my God" as she ran to the bathroom.
Beca's concern grew as the minutes passed. She got out of bed and quietly made her way to the bathroom door, not wanting to wake Fat Amy.
"Chlo?" She whispered, tapping lightly on the door.
"I'll be out in a minute." Chloe's voice was strained.
Beca stood by the door for another minute, unsure of what to do with herself. She went back to the bed and sat on her side of it. A few minutes later Chloe crept out of the bathroom. She slipped under the blanket on her side of the bed keeping her back to Beca. She pulled her legs to her chest curling herself into a ball. Beca could hear the sniffles despite Chloe burying her face in the blanket.
"Chloe." Beca reached across the bed and rubbed the girls back.
"Leave me alone."
Beca's hand stilled for a second, shocked at the rejection. That had never happened before. Beca didn't like the way it made her stomach drop but she pushed it aside. She moved her hand over Chloe's back again.
"Beca. Please." Chloe was openly crying now. Her body was shaking and squeaking noises escaped as she tried to hold the cries in her throat.
Beca stood to get the box of tissues from the kitchen and place them on Chloe's bedside table. With the streetlights coming through the window she could see the red hair sticking out the top of the blanket. Beca leaned down to smooth her hand over Chloe's head then placed a kiss next to her hand before pulling it away. Chloe didn't respond, but the shaking subsided slightly.
Beca returned to her side of the bed and laid down. She wanted to reach out again but was afraid of both rejection and annoying Chloe. She stayed awake well after Chloe cried herself to sleep. Chloe being upset tore at Beca's heart. She was the only person in the world that Beca ever had an urge to comfort, and it continually surprised Beca how natural the action was to her. The redhead had snuggled her way inside Beca's carefully constructed walls and proceeded to have no regard for the younger girls mental or physical personal space. She turned the formally untouchable Beca into a cuddler, though the alt-girl would never admit that out loud. Not knowing how to handle this moment made Beca much more uncomfortable than the event that led up to it. She sighed and tried to force herself back to sleep.
Chloe didn't sleep at home for the next week. She came rushing in the apartment early in the mornings to shower and dress for work with hardly a word to Beca or Fat Amy. She hadn't initiated a text to Beca and all of her responses were the generic "I'm fine" or "Everything's great." Beca can't remember a day before the dream that she hadn't received a barrage of text messages from Chloe throughout the day. It upset her almost as much as Chloe's physical absence did.
Friday afternoon Beca found herself staring blankly at the coffee machine while it filled the mug for her boss. She shook her head and decided she couldn't do this anymore. She wanted to respect Chloe's desire for space but it hurt too much. She couldn't take it. Chloe was always Beca's most frequent contact, even now, so her name was at the top of the contact list. Beca opened the message app and sent what she felt, "Please come home tonight. I miss you." She slid the phone back into her pocket and picked up the coffee.
Beca kept herself busy for the next hour trying to not focus on how long it was taking Chloe to respond. Chloe had a job so it was reasonable that she didn't just sit around waiting for Beca to send her messages. Beca told herself this, but she didn't believe it. Prior to this week Chloe was never to busy for Beca and always responded in minutes. An hour and ten minutes later Beca's phone finally vibrated and Chloe's name popped up. The message was short, "Of course Becs. Anything for you," but it made Beca smile. It was the first message in over a week that reminded Beca of the Chloe that existed before the dream. Beca made it through the rest of her workday holding the hope that Chloe was over the awkward phase between them.
Fat Amy squealed when Chloe walked in, "Ginger! First time you came through that door without your ass being on fire in a while." She scooped Chloe up in a back-bending hug and shook her up and down.
Beca set her headphones on the bed next to her and watched her roommates. Chloe couldn't suppress her smile which made Beca smile. Fat Amy finally released Chloe with a pat on her butt. Chloe set her purse on the small kitchen table as Fat Amy grabbed her jacket off the hook on the wall. She leaned near Chloe and whispered, "I love you but break Beca's heart again and I'll shank you."
"Bye pitches!" The door slammed behind Amy as she left.
"Hey." Beca said gently. Chloe smiled, but Beca could tell it was forced.
"Hey." Chloe stood by the table fidgeting her fingers together and looking around the room. Beca's heart twisted at the unnaturalness of the situation. Chloe wasn't an awkward person.
"You want to hear my mix?" Beca held the headphones out.
"Yeah." This time Chloe's smile was real as she sat on the bed. Beca noticed the distance between them, noting that it wouldn't have been there before. It was only a few inches but may as well been a mile. Beca wasn't aware that Chloe even knew how to put space between their bodies.
"That was great." Chloe beamed and set the headphones back on the bed.
The silence lasted for a few seconds, making Beca shift uncomfortably. "Chloe, this isn't us." She waved her hand, "We're not weird with each other."
Chloe sighed but didn't respond. She twisted her hands in her lap and avoided looking at Beca.
"We don't have to talk about it. I just miss you." Beca smiled with one side of her mouth, "I've said that twice today. That's got to be a record."
Chloe laughed. She looked at Beca's face for the first time since entering the apartment and Beca's heart skipped as the blue eyes met hers. Chloe abruptly stopped laughing and looked to the side. "I miss you too." She said it sincerely, but her voice was flat as though she begrudgingly pulled the words out.
Now Beca sighed. She moved her laptop and headphones to the floor beside the bed and for the first time ever wished they had a place to sit that was less intimate than the bed. She turned her body to face Chloe, crossing her legs in front of her. Chloe pulled her own knees to her chin and wrapped her arms around her legs.
"Did Amy threaten to shank you?" Beca refused to look away from Chloe, determined to make the girl look at her.
"Yeah." Chloe smiled against her knee, then her expression became serious, "I broke your heart?"
"Chloe, no. Amy is so dramatic." Beca waved her hand in the air to dismiss the comment. She then used that hand to grab Chloe's. Chloe didn't pull away, so Beca laced their fingers together.
"Oh." Chloe said softly. Beca thought she heard disappointment in her voice but that couldn't be. Chloe would never want to break Beca's heart and certainly wouldn't be disappointed by not doing so. Of course, Chloe didn't even know she had Beca's heart. The thought gave her pause. Chloe had her heart? She had stayed single since the break up with Jesse, but she told herself it was because she was so busy at work. She couldn't have feelings for her best friend. Beca forced the thoughts away.
"Thanks for coming back. I mean what I said. We don't have to talk about anything you don't want. But you know I'm here for you."
"I know, Becs." Chloe stretched her legs out.
"Soooooo," Beca tugged on Chloe's hand, "Are you still my best friend?"
Chloe laughed again, "Are you five?"
Hearing Chloe laugh made Beca feel immensely better. It struck her that her emotions were so tightly entwined with Chloe's. All she wanted to do was make Chloe laugh forever. That thought made her press her hand on Chloe's shoulder, pushing the girl onto the bed. She laughed at the shock on Chloe's face. She laid next to Chloe, their arms touching. She felt Chloe tense again, and it made her sad. Chloe had always been the one to initiate contact. This would usually be a moment that she would wrap an arm around Beca's waist but she didn't. The absence of contact made Beca crave it more. She didn't understand what was happening to her emotions.
"So, you know that guy Dax at work?" Beca was desperate to distract Chloe from whatever was bothering her, "He totally busted his skinny jeans doing his idiot laps today. Serves him right for wearing them."
Chloe laughed again and rolled into Beca. They stayed that way all evening, talking about work, catching up on their week apart. Beca felt so much better and chose to ignore the way Chloe refused to keep eye contact. She didn't like the sick feeling in her stomach every time Chloe rolled her eyes away. That feeling would disappear as soon as Chloe smiled. The feelings were surging through her body faster than she could keep up. She's spent many nights like this with Chloe, usually with more cuddling, and she never felt so emotional about it.
Chloe told a story about a puppy at work and it brought her smile out again. Beca watched the way Chloe's mouth turned up at the corners and had to resist the urge to place a finger against one of those corners. A week ago she would have done it without thinking and Chloe would have smiled wider. Now, Beca feared that Chloe would pull away if she reached out. She settled instead for placing her hand on Chloe's bicep and rubbing it up and down. Chloe tensed but slowly relaxed. Beca's stomach dipped again.
As they prepared for bed they fell into their old routine of sharing the bathroom and putting their pajamas on. Beca was briefly relieved that they were alright again, but then Chloe got in her side of the bed and faced away from Beca. Beca blinked away the tears as she got in bed. Nothing was okay after all.
Chloe came home every night after that. The awkwardness increased and Beca's heart squeezed tighter every day. There were brief flashes of the carefree, happy Chloe that made Beca feel better. Chloe singing to herself in their small kitchen or smiling as she talked to Fat Amy. Those moments were quickly replaced by long moments of silence and distance. Chloe was careful to never touch Beca, especially in their bed. Beca fell asleep every night fighting the urge to cry.
The following Friday Beca was washing dishes when Chloe came home. Chloe dropped her purse on the counter and reached for a glass in the cabinet above Beca's head. She placed her hand on Beca's lower back to keep her balance as she stretched up. It was such a natural movement that Beca couldn't stop herself from smiling. Chloe suddenly jerked away and whispered, "Sorry, Beca."
Beca grabbed the dish towel to dry her hands and grabbed Chloe's wrist before she walked away. She jerked on Chloe's arm so the girl would turn to face her. When she complied Beca stepped closer and dropped Chloe's wrist.
"What is going on?" She asked, her face inches from Chloe's. Close talking had always been Chloe's thing, never Beca's, but she couldn't stop herself. In her anger she didn't even notice the lack of distance or how aggressive she was being. The mixture of anger and heartbreak overrode her desire to respect Chloe's space.
"Nothing." Chloe moved her face so that Beca was looking at her profile.
"Bullshit Chloe!" Beca raised her voice but took a step back, "I said we don't have to talk about what happened, and we don't. But we have to talk about us. I don't understand what this is!" Beca was yelling now, the desperation seeping out.
"What are you aca-bitches yelling about?" Fat Amy sat on the edge of Beca and Chloe's bed to put her shoes on.
Beca let out a frustrated groan and backed away from Chloe. Chloe released a long breath.
Fat Amy stood. "You've been weird for weeks."
"I know." Beca snapped.
Fat Amy shrugged, "Must be those sex dreams Chloe keeps having."
"You know about that?" Chloe gasped.
Fat Amy shrugged again, "A clothes rack isn't exactly sound proof."
"It was only one." Chloe's eyes were wide, her face red, her voice clouded with shame. It was the most emotion Beca had heard from her in weeks.
Fat Amy raised an eyebrow, "Only one? Or only one about Shortstack?"
"Amy!" Chloe shrieked.
"Oh. More than one then? Right." She flashed a smile and was out the door, leaving Beca and Chloe alone.
Beca was facing Chloe again, "Is that true?"
"You said we didn't have to talk about it." Now Chloe yelled.
Beca was silent. There were too many emotions for her to process. She was angry and upset that Chloe had been giving her the cold shoulder for over two weeks. The dream being about her didn't make her uncomfortable, but the feelings it stirred up inside her did. It was easier to pretend she wasn't attracted to Chloe when she thought Chloe wasn't to her. She sighed.
"I'm sorry." Chloe's voice was soft, full of remorse, "I shouldn't have shut you out."
Beca shook her head. It always amazed her that Chloe could read her thoughts. She walked to the bed and flopped on her back, her legs dangling over the edge.
"I lied to you." Beca said slowly, staring at the ceiling, "It did break my heart. A little. It hurt."
She heard Chloe sniffle and choke down a sob. The bed creaked as Chloe sat next to her, careful to keep space between them.
"I never wanted to hurt you. I'm so sorry. I was just so confused." Chloe laid on her back as well, turning her face to Beca. Beca turned hers so they can look at each other.
"Confused about me? Or about girls in general?"
"Both." Chloe confessed.
Beca waited, but Chloe didn't elaborate. She rolled onto her side to avoid straining her neck as she made eye contact with Chloe. Chloe didn't move.
"You could have told me."
"I didn't want to ruin our friendship."
"Don't you know I'm here forever?" Beca whispered.
Chloe rolled onto her side to mirror Beca but didn't comment.
"Where did you sleep while you were gone?" Beca asked tentatively, not sure she wanted to know.
Chloe closed her eyes. "I had to figure myself out."
"With other girls?"
Chloe nodded, eyes still closed.
It felt like a knife had been twisted in Beca's heart. She felt a tear roll down her cheek. She hadn't realized how much it would hurt to think of Chloe with someone else. She knew she had no right to feel that way. It's not like they were dating.
Chloe opened her eyes and was looking at Beca now. She reached out to touch Beca's face, then retreated.
"Please." Beca's voice cracked, "Please don't keep pulling away." She wasn't sure if she meant physically or emotionally.
Chloe licked her lips and briefly closed her eyes again. When she opened them she raised her hand to brush the tears rolling down Beca's face. Beca wasn't even aware that there was more than one.
"I couldn't do it." Chloe moved her hand to Beca's hair, twisting a strand between her thumb and forefinger. She took a deep breath, "You really won't leave?"
Beca shook her head, "Never."
"I tried. I kissed a few girls. I could never go through with more." Chloe made a strange sound, a laugh mixed with repressed tears, "I never had a problem sleeping with people, men, before I met you. I've always been so confident. But, these girls all felt like a betrayal to you."
The relief washed over Beca. Chloe hadn't slept with anyone. Chloe ran a finger down Beca's cheek before letting her hand fall on the bed between them.
"Where were you if not with them?" Beca's voice still cracked slightly.
"I slept in my car. I couldn't sleep with them, but I was scared to molest you again."
Beca barked a laugh, her body jerking toward Chloe. "You didn't molest me, dude."
"I so totally did. I think. I was asleep but I must have." The corner of Chloe's mouth tilted up in a grin.
"I've seen you naked and I've seen your O face. A little groping is nothing." Her voice was joking.
"Oh dear Lord." Chloe groaned, her cheeks turning red.
"It makes sense now. That weird obsession with Demi Lovato is a crush." Beca smirked.
Chloe only hummed in response. Beca blushed, "You told Amy?"
"No." Chloe pursed her lips together, then opened her mouth in embarrassment, "Did I say your name?"
Beca shook her head and grinned, "No, but now I know why you say Demi so much."
Chloe's eyes grew wider and her face redder. Beca laughed. "I hate you, Beca Mitchell." Chloe pouted, "You just wait. If Demi ever comes around I'll drop you like a bad beat."
Beca laughed again, "Oh sweetie. Then I'd have to get Lilli to snuff her out and you'd have a mass of angry Lovatics on your hands."
"Snuff her out? Really? You're such a b-rated badass." Chloe's smile was playful and her eyes were finally staying with Beca's.
"Humph. Wait, you said more experimenting." Chloe gave her a confused look so Beca explained, "At the retreat, you said more. Like you had done some." Chloe's face smoothed from confusion to recognition as Beca continued, "Aubrey?"
"Jesus!" Chloe rolled her eyes as her mouth dropped. It was a look Beca loved. "I didn't sleep with Aubrey or any other girl. We only made out."
"Okay, stop. I'm so sorry I asked." Her mouth puckered in a disgusted expression. Making her tone serious she said, "You didn't have to sleep in your car."
"It was for my comfort as much as yours." Chloe flicked her eyes away from Beca's for a second, "I didn't know what to do."
"But your back now, right? No more checking out on me?" Beca grabbed Chloe's hand, squeezing her fingers.
"You couldn't get rid of me if you tried. Unless, you know, Demi becomes a reality." Chloe smiled.
The excitement rushed through Beca. She scooted closer and brushed her nose against Chloe's. Chloe leaned away, "Not fully back, I guess." Beca creased her eyebrows. Chloe let out a breath, "Beca," another breath, "I can't be," she licked her lips again, stalling to gather her words, "I can't be like that with you anymore."
Something stabbed Beca in the chest and the stomach. She thought they had just worked it all out. Why did they keep moving backward? Beca felt like she couldn't breathe. Then it occurred to her that Chloe had confessed, but she hadn't. Chloe thought her feelings were one-sided.
"You mean because you're attracted to me?"
Chloe fidgeted, avoiding eye contact and trying to pull her hand away but Beca tightened her grip. Chloe nodded.
"Chlo," Beca tucked the hair behind Chloe's ear so she could see her entire face, "I don't understand any of these feelings yet, but these last couple weeks without you have been awful. I've never felt worse. I'm confused too. But, I know I like you. Like more than a best friend. Like I love you."
Chloe squealed and pulled Beca into her body. Beca immediately wrapped her arms around the girl and buried her face in her neck. She melted into Chloe's body, reveling in the scent of Chloe's hair that she had missed so much.
"We'll figure it out." She spoke into Chloe's throat. She reluctantly pulled back to look at the older girls face, "I missed hugging you so much."
"Me too." Chloe's genuinely cheerful voice filled Beca with confidence. She leaned forward and lightly pressed her lips to Chloe's. It felt right the instant it happened. She kissed her again. Nothing had ever felt more right in her life.
"I love you too." Chloe breathed against her lips. Beca pulled her into another hug. This is where she wanted to be forever.