Summary: Lissa convinced Rose not to go after Dimitri and now it's been nearly four months. The summer has set in for the former senior students of the Academy and Rose is still having a difficult time adjusting to life without part of her heart. Moving on and getting ready to protect Lissa could be the only thing to keep her slipping sanity.

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It Starts With a Fling

"We've been going over this for hours, Liss. It's going to be fine."

After everything that had happened to me in the past school year, I was surprised to see I could still walk, talk, even function on a daily basis. Life had given me some bumps in the road- Okay, that was an enormous lie. Life has given me gaping abysses in the road, but what did I care. They came first.

What was that load of crap anyway? I mean, sure it was my duty and everything to protect Lissa from harms way. There was nothing that could tell me otherwise. But why did they always have to come first? Why couldn't I find happiness before I had to kill myself in protecting them? It wasn't fair that I should sacrifice everything just for the Moroi. Thinking about it, the whole vampire system was a force.

Irritation laced with remorse coursed through the bond from Lissa. "I want everything to be perfect. You know how important this is to me," she explained.

Looking at her angelic features, I couldn't stay mad at her for long. That was what her boyfriend was for. After finding out about my secret with Dimitri, she started lightening up on me. That was after the insanely long interrogation of how things had started, what it was like, how serious we were, etc, etc. She cared, I knew that much. But what she really cared about at the moment was her impending college career looming before her.

I sighed and leaned my chin against my crossed arms that were perched on the edge of the table. We had already moved into the Royal Court – a simple yet elegant apartment as opposed to the large townhouse we had dreamt of – and were now sitting in the coffee shop going over everything involving Lehigh. It was irritating, sure, but anything to please Lissa, right?

Lissa continued to babble on about her courses and the professors she had and how I was going to protect her while learning things at the same time. She had it in her head that I was taking these courses as well instead of doing my job of seeing-without-really-seeing. There had been a time when I thought taking college courses along side of my best friend while protecting her had been the coolest idea ever. Now I just wanted to make sure nothing happened to her like what happened to Dimitri.

After everything that happened to me – Mason, the guardians, being captured, Dimitri – I had a much darker look on life. Like my aura. Everything I saw was black and jagged-cut these days. Nothing had a simple answer and nothing was easy and nothing was fair. Life was a bitch and I had accepted that. I had seen enough to know the truth to this statement.

"You're still talking about Lehigh?" a deep and husky voice filled with teasing and love called from the entrance of the coffee shop.

I didn't have to look at the person to know who it was. The bubbly emotions coming from Lissa said all that there were to say. I closed my eyes just as the seat next to me squealed against the tiled floors as a body sat in it. "I didn't know you were here," Lissa said cheerfully, all thoughts of Lehigh momentarily forgotten, thankfully.

"Aunt Tasha had some stuff to take care of so I bailed early," Christian explained as he smacked a wet kiss on Lissa's cheek, making her blush burn through the bond. I tried without success to push my impending headache away.

I was beginning to like where Lissa picked her college and place of residence more and more with each passing moment. Since we were in the Court, the most secure and safe place in the Moroi world, I could venture off on my own to clear my head. Seeing the two lovebirds made my heart break more, if possible. "I need air," I declared, my tone harsh and bitter and sad all at the same time.

Lissa was hurt by my tone but she knew why. She couldn't imagine the pain and grief I had been going through and she never would. She kept thinking: What if it was Christian that turned Strigoi? "Don't be gone long?" she said, hoping it sounded like a friendly suggestion rather than a worry-filled plea.

I smiled dimly before walking out of the coffee shop…

…And into a cloud of cloves.

"I'm not sure what's better: the drinking or the smoking," I stated, leaning against the side of the building and shoving my hands into my jacket. I wore the jacket that Dimitri had given me for Victor's hearing every single day, hot or cold, raining or snowing.

Adrian smiled without comment. He knew as well as I did that my badgering about his bad habits were no longer fully fueled. I knew why he smoked and drank and understood it. I didn't have to like it, but I understood. He was escaping the pain just like I was trying to do, only he was succeeding. "I'd say I'd stop for you, little dhampir, but you and I both know that'd be a lie."

The ghost of a smile that had long gone out stretched across my unkempt lips. "What ever happened to Rose?" I asked. He had taken a habit after the Strigoi attack at the Academy to call me by my birth name. A miracle, I know.

"Old habits die hard," he replied, making a point to puff out his cigarette's smoke in the opposite direction to where I was standing. We stood in silence for a while, the moon shining down on us with an eerie glow to it. The only plus to spending our vampire days during the night hours was that in the summer it was less hot. Since the sun wasn't out, it was easier to tolerate the heat. "How have you been?" Adrian finally asked, all trace of mockery and teasing gone from his voice.

I let go of a breath I didn't realize I had been holding and looked at him. My eyes were sad – as everyone kept telling me – as they bore into his concerned ones. One thing I had learned was that Adrian may be a player but he truly cared about me. Just like Mason, I couldn't find it in me to return those feelings. "The same as always," I replied.

Strangely, Adrian was the only one I ever really talked to. Lissa was my best friend but she didn't understand. She wanted to and her intentions were good, but she couldn't find the strength to understand why I had wanted to kill the man I loved. She couldn't understand why I had loved someone so forbidden. I always found it ironic since the last Dragomir shouldn't love the son of two Strigoi.

But with Adrian, it was something unexplainable. He didn't love anyone – excluding his strong lust for me – nor had he ever. He didn't know what it was like to lose someone close to you. He was spoiled and cocky and thought everything was below him. But there was something about me that he understood, the same way Dimitri had been able to understand me. He could see my pain and he didn't fight it. While Lissa always tried to fix my sorrow, Adrian just accepted that it was a part of who I was now and moved on. Oddly, Adrian was my closest friend now, aside from Lissa.

Adrian stubbed out his cigarette against the wall and placed it into a secret Ziploc bag he kept in his pocket. After harassing him for so long about his habit of littering – something I hated more than the other ones – he decided a compromise was due. He would put his butts in a bag where it would later be disposed of properly and I would limit my disapproving speeches on the smoking. We hadn't compromised on the drinking yet. "You still want to go after him, don't you?" he asked once the bag was back in his pocket. It was always easier talking to him when the smoke didn't distract him.

I breathed heavily again – the air was thick and muggy – before I crossed my arms over my chest. My hand absentmindedly touched the stake that I always kept in the inside pocket of Dimitri's jacket. "I keep thinking that I should have done it a long time ago. I hadn't promised him or anything, but the meaning was there. He wouldn't have wanted to live like this; he wouldn't have wanted this for both of us. He's rather die than be soulless and without morals."

"And you're the only one who can bring him that," he finished for me, his eyes watching my every move as if I were about to run off that very second to kill Dimitri.

Looking at him, I could see he didn't think I was crazy. The one time I had told Lissa that I still needed to go after Dimitri after the night of my birthday, she had practically yelled at me and then tried to use compulsion on me. I never mentioned those feelings to her again. "He loved me and trusted me. He would want it coming from me."

"But would you want his blood on your hands, knowing that you caused his death?" he asked pensively. I could tell that he was studying my aura. He hadn't had alcohol in a while and the cigarettes only did so much in keeping the affects of spirit away from him.

I had thought about that a lot too. "It would be hard, I'll admit that. But in a sick and twisted way, it would bring peace to me too. I don't want Dimitri to be dead, but him being a Strigoi…he's as good as dead now. Only he's worse than death. Knowing that he was at peace, in the afterlife and not roaming the Earth as some undead zombie killing machine, it would be best for both of us."

His eyes narrowed a bit before he said, "You really mean all that. You would kill the guy you're in love with and be okay with it."

"Of course I wouldn't be okay with it!" I snapped, the darkness that was ever present within me surfacing for a fraction of a second. I had learned some self control since Dimitri's untimely demise. Adrian's presence weirdly helped me stay calm too. "Of course I wouldn't," I said more calmly. "But I know it's what Dimitri wanted. And if giving him what he wanted and the peace that comes with it, than I'll do it. I'd do anything for him."

Adrian remained silent for a long few minutes. I wasn't sure what he was thinking. I desperately hoped he wasn't siding with Lissa in her idea that I was crazy. The weird thing about that, too, was that she thought I was crazy on the whole Dimitri situation, but she trusted me with her life as her guardian. She never doubted my ability in keeping her safe. She just thought I had a bad taste in men. "I can tell you really, truly mean that. You're still black, a thick charcoal black that is hard to see though, but there are streaks of pink and white, like light and reason and love are guiding you. It's incredible. I never know what to expect from you," Adrian finally said.

At first, it had been weird being like a science experiment to Adrian. I had come to value his friendship and being a freak in his eyes had hurt for a while. I wanted to be an equal to him not a lab rat. But as time went on, I found that he was just curious about it all. He was still new to the affects to what spirit could do and I was something completely new, not in a textbook or how-to guide. But the weirdest part of it all was Adrian was the only person who could tell I was in pain or hurting even when my exterior cover wasn't doing much disguising. Like I said, he was the only one who understood. He cared. "Well, it's just the typical Rose Hathaway shining through here," I smirked, trying to sound light and joking.

He raised an eyebrow before taking my hand and leading me away from the coffee shop. He did this a lot when I was particularly depressed or hurting. I used to protest, saying I needed to protect Lissa. In a place like this, though, that wasn't much of an argument.

Unsurprisingly, he led me to his townhouse. Unlike Liss and I, he had wiggled his way up the chain of command and gotten himself a nice and cozy home that he kept perfectly disastrous. We had only lived on Court for about a month and he had somehow made his house look like a total mess. But the mess fit Adrian and I was used to it by now. We sat on his leather sofa, the only space in the living room that wasn't cluttered with dirty dishes and ashtrays and empty liquor bottles. We faced each other and he played with a strand of my hair, twirling it between his fingers as he stared at the space surrounding me. "No pink, I'm guessing," I guessed.

He smiled faintly, meeting my eyes for a brief second, before going back to the aura surrounding me. We sat like that for an immeasurable time. Through the bond, I could hear Lissa's specific words asking where I was. I put her on the backburner, something a guardian never ever did, as time stopped.

Despite everything I had once thought about Adrian Ivashkov, he was a great guy. He had his mental issues that were the side affects of being a spirit-user, but I had mental issues without an excuse. He had his bad habits of cooping, but, in a strange way, I actually admired his determination to achieve a normal life. In so many ways, Adrian was a better person than I was. I was a good guardian, a good sense of protection for someone else. But I never confronted my problems. I could fight and kill monstrous Strigoi, but when it came to the one Strigoi that I still loved, I would rather cower in a corner. I have been taught my entire life how to fight, but I couldn't fight my insanity. I couldn't fight the ghosts I regularly saw and I couldn't fight the feelings I had for Dimitri. It had been forbidden to love him when he was my instructor; what were the rules to loving your enemy?

Adrian was stronger than I was. He was able to confront the qualms he had with spirit and fight fire with fire. What was I good for? Protecting Lissa. I was only good for other people. But when it came to the affairs of my own heart, my own mind, I couldn't do anything useful. I was helpless to myself.

"What are you thinking?" Adrian asked, his voice a careful whisper.

I leaned my face into his hand and closed my eyes. Dimitri was everything to me, but I had to let him go. I had to move on and continue with my life. I couldn't keep dwelling in the past. Even if I ever saw Dimitri again, he wouldn't be the man I fell in love with. He wouldn't be the same man who called me 'Roza' and kissed me and told me not to cut my hair and held my hand and made me feel alive. He wasn't Dimitri Belikov anymore and he never would be. He was the undead now. He was the enemy. He wasn't the man I loved.

As true as all those things were, I had a hard time believing them. At first, when Mason confirmed my worst fears and told me Dimitri's fate, I kept thinking that it wasn't real. I kept thinking that Dimitri was strong enough to fight the pull a Strigoi had. He had enough willpower not to kill, not to be a monster. That he loved me enough not to be a monster. As time went on, I knew those weren't real. A Strigoi was a killer, no matter how strong and beautiful and full of life you were in life. Dimitri was dead now. There was no hope for us.

I opened my eyes, having realized how long it had been since Adrian asked his question. Opening my mouth, I couldn't believe the words that were about to leave me. "I'm thinking that Dimitri is dead. There's no hope for us now. I may love him and a part of me always will, but I need to move on. I need to progress with my life. I can't keep what happened to him hanging over my head for the rest of eternity. I need to move on. I need to move on."

Saying those words was a load off my chest. A weight I had been carrying for so long but was afraid to put down. I was putting out our torch, the torch that held an everlasting love between Dimitri and I. Secretly, I wondered if he, in his Strigoi state of being, still loved me. But that didn't matter. What mattered was me. If I had been starting to question the They come first saying, I had to think of myself instead. I couldn't think of myself and what was best for me if I was still worrying about Dimitri. It was over. Our love was over. "It's over," I breathed, disbelieving everything coming from my mouth. I knew I wasn't crazy now. This was the first good thing I had done in a long time for myself.

Adrian studied me for another long moment before sighing. "You really believe all that too. As much as it pains you, you really believe that."

Closing my eyes, I sealed off the rest of my heart. "I do."

I still wanted to kill Dimitri. As twisted and dark and irrational as that sounded, I needed to. He deserved to be set to peace. But again, I had to think of myself. I couldn't put what was best for him over what was best for me. Being in the killing state he must be in, if I tried to do him this favor and rid him of this new life, he would end up killing me in the process. I had to think of myself. I had to think of Lissa. If I went off on a crazy hunting mission and got killed, who would help Eddie protect Lissa? I couldn't take my chances. They come first.

"So why are you still here?" he asked suddenly. He withdrew his hand from my hair and sat back into the cushions of the leather sofa. "Why aren't you off finding some guy around here who will help you move on?" He was almost snapping.

I knew what he meant. He had been hung up on me for quite some time now, since the holiday break at the ski lodge. I hadn't been leading him on though. In fact, I had been doing everything but kicking him where it hurts and calling the cops for sexual assault on him. But in truth, Adrian was a great guy who cared about me, understood me, and wanted to be with me for all the crazy parts of me. He truly was a sweet guy, once you look past his rough exterior.

I toyed with my fingers – my nails were manicured black to match my black mood and aura – without meeting his eyes. "I'm sorry for everything, Adrian. You're a nice guy – sometimes – and it's not fair to you that I'm still dealing with all this Dimitri stuff. I know I said I have to move on, but I don't want to use you for my own needs. You don't deserve that."

His voice softened as he turned back to me. The affects of the cigarettes were wearing off and spirit was now free to take its tolls on him. But he hadn't drunken alcohol in front of me in a long time, and while we were having a somewhat serious conversation, I doubted he would start drinking. As if reading my mind, he pulled out his packet of smokes and lit one up. After what seemed like forever, Adrian said, "You'd be worth anything, Rosemarie."

I smiled – almost a real one too – before saying, "Little dhampir, Rosemarie. Have you forgotten my real name?"

His eyes burned into mine, hot, passionate, and sexy all at once. I felt a flicker of emotion for him inside me, different from the normal irritation or thankfulness or sympathy I felt toward him. It was a dim replication of what I had had with Dimitri. Nothing close, but just a faint glow of affection. "I could never forget anything about you, Rose," he said, voice husky. The cigarette had been stubbed out almost immediately after he lit it.

And just like that I knew I was ready. If I were still hopelessly and desperately in love with Guardian Dimitri Belikov, I wouldn't be feeling anything but annoyance toward Adrian. Dimitri was my past. Maybe Adrian was my future. I would never know until I tried.

Ignoring Lissa's shouts through the bond demanding my whereabouts and the gnawing feeling inside of me saying this was a bad idea, I leaned forward and kissed Adrian.

I used to love bad ideas so much too…

A/N: This is my first VA story, but not my first FanFic one. I just finished reading all the books, minus Blood Promise, and just had to write a Fic. Tell me what you think. Plus, I was thinking about making this into a short-ish story. Tell me what you think. And thanks!