Hey there FanFiction! I'm back with my fifth one-shot. This humorous piece focuses on Chris and Chef as they look back on the Total Drama's antagonists while promoting the show. Please be sure to watch seasons 1-6 of Total Drama before reading as it contains spoilers for Pahkitew Island and every single season before that. Hope you have a nice laugh!
Chris McLean, the host of Total Drama, was standing in front of a camera with a smile. "Welcome Total Drama fans!" he eagerly announced. "How would you like to compete on the show someday?"
An applause could be heard in the audience. However, it only came from a button that his assistant Chef Hatchet pressed off-camera.
"I knew you'd be eager." Chris continued. "If any new contestants are chosen, then they'll of course have the chance to win a small fortune which, let's face it; they'll probably blow in a week. You could be one of them!"
"Just get to the damn point already!" Chef told him impatiently.
"OK fine!" McLean replied with an irritated look on his face. "We've had six seasons so far, all filled with drama—hence the show's name—and scheming. Who can we count on for that last part? Each season's villains, of course! Let's take some notes from their time on the show."
The camera shifted towards a TV screen with an intern trying to set it up. "Sir, the TV isn't ready." He nervously stated.
"You know you'll be fired if it isn't soon, right?" the host asked.
"He's doing it all wrong. I'll get this going." Hatchet walked on screen, hooking up each cord correctly.
Chris thanked Chef as the screen activated. "We'll kick things off with Heather, our antagonist of season one." He told the audience.
The TV then showed various clips of Heather during Total Drama Island—the show's first season—as she repeatedly played dirty tricks and manipulated others, frequently highlighting her allies Lindsay and Beth.
"You do know she became less and less nasty over time after that season ended, right?" the cook asked off screen.
"Even so, Heather brought in great ratings for being mean, especially during our first season." McLean quickly replied. "Back then, she played quite dirty and finished in third place all because she refused to let you shave her hair."
A clip then plays of Heather during the "I Triple Dog Dare You!" challenge where she kicks the Chef's razor away from her only to get shaved anyway when it landed on her head, and then screaming in anger after learning she was eliminated for technically declining the head-shaving dare.
"You have a point, and that right there was one of the season's most satisfying moments." Chef added with a chuckle.
"Of course, no matter how far people get with foul play, they never go without someone or something getting back at them." the host noted.
He and Chef laughed as the TV then showed clips of Heather being attacked by Harold's red ants after publicly reading Gwen's diary aloud on TV, Leshawna and Beth firing paintballs at her, Leshawna later shoving her into a fridge, Heather accidentally losing her top while trying to cut off Harold's rope and having her bare chest shown on TV, Leshawna messing with shower pipes so she got covered in sewage, and Lindsay cursing Heather out while giving her the middle finger.
"Up next for season two, we have our CIT Courtney!" McLean announced afterwards.
Clips of Courtney throughout Total Drama Action followed where she was shown using her PDA, mentioning her lawyers to gain unfair advantages, tricking Harold into voting off Leshawna, and manipulating Justin into falling in love with her only so he would let her win immunity.
"I must give the girl credit for beating pretty boy at his own game." Chef stated, referring to how Justin would often try to charm Lindsay and Beth into doing things for him that season.
"So true." the host agreed. "She of course would get her just desserts."
On the screen, Courtney is shown irritated when having to bathe in tomato juice during "Dial M for Merger", when Lindsay won the challenge instead of her in "Get a Clue", and while fighting a jellyfish in "Crouching Courtney, Hidden Owen" as Beth used the CIT's PDA. A clip is then shown where Courtney is eliminated in "Top Dog" and dumps Duncan for voting her off.
"The girl totally had that coming." Chef added.
"I know, and her lawsuit cost me a fortune!" Chris angrily noted. "That money could've been spent on much better things, like statues of me!"
The cook rolled his eyes at McLean's narcissism.
"Anyway," the host continued. "Ms. CIT got fourth place that season, and I probably would've lost my mind if she went any further. Like Heather, she also learned her lesson after getting the boot."
"Care to introduce the next one?" Chef asked.
"Of course." Chris quickly affirmed. "Season three's villain was more devious than either Heather or Courtney, and both fell in love with him then. He and Heather later started dating and are probably still together now. Give it up for Alejandro Burromuerto!"
The TV screen subsequently showed clips from Total Drama World Tour as Alejandro schemed his way through the game, being at least partially involved with almost every elimination that season, and shamelessly exploiting Bridgette's, Leshawna's, and Courtney's affections for him.
"No matter many hearts he toyed with or people he otherwise just duped, Mr. Dead Donkey would get bad karma as well." Hatchet stated.
He and Chris then cracked up. "I still can't get over that's what his last name literally translates to in English!" McLean added as he and the cook continued to laugh as Burromuerto was shown hitting his face against a hurdle while distracted in "Greece's Pieces", getting electrocuted by an alien during "The EX-Files", Owen farting in his face at the end of "Niagara Brawls", and getting kneed in the groin by Heather in "Hawaiian Punch" while kissing her.
"Gotta give Al credit for reaching the finals that season." Chef added as the laughter died down.
"Same here." added Chris. "It's also rather ironic how Courtney toyed with Justin's heart before, though couldn't recognize when Alejandro was doing that to her before it was too late. When that jackass got trampled over by people and burnt by lava, though, I was really worried we could get sued. Thankfully Al signed some paperwork absolving us from the fiasco. Being trapped in that robot suit for so long while recovering also probably gave him time to think about why his actions were wrong, even if he still was sneaky afterwards."
"Who followed him in the fourth season? A farm boy named Scott!" Chef announced.
"Don't you DARE steal my introductions!" McLean yelled at Chef who dismissively rolled his eyes. "Anyway, yes; when we introduced a new cast for Total Drama: Revenge of the Island, Scott was the season's baddie."
The TV then showed clips of Scott throwing challenges or trying to throw them, giving him the chance to vote off his teammates.
"Scott took a new approach in his pre-merge scheming by trying to sabotage his own team rather than the opposing one." Hatchet noted.
"An idiotically risky one at that, yet he somehow managed to pull it off repeatedly." Chris remarked. "He even had immunity when his team tried to actually vote him off."
Scott is shown on screen using an immunity idol to nullify all votes against him during "The Treasure Island of Dr. McLean", instead eliminating Dakota who had the next most votes that day.
"Boy did he get his comeuppance for playing dirty here!" Chef enthusiastically quipped.
Clips are shown where a snowball explodes in Scott's face in "Ice Ice Baby", a mutant squid he and Sam encounter punches him during "Finders Creepers", Scott gets blasted by filthy outhouse water in "Backstabbers Ahoy!", the ginger is hit by a barrel during "Runaway Model", and he gets knocked off a cliff by a boulder in "Eat, Puke and Be Wary".
"That day he had to be put in a wheelchair following the boulder ordeal was when he finally got eliminated in fourth place following a 2-1-1 vote." Hatchet added. "I was happy for that ginger to get flung off the island at long last."
"I of course did that honor AND had Fang the mutant shark join him for the ride." Chris snickered. "Did you REALLY think I would let you take that from me even when you got to host the challenge?"
"It was worth a try." The cook admitted. "He also had to be hospitalized for that shark mauling and just barely survived."
"As much as he totally deserved to get payback for his foul play that season, I obviously couldn't let anybody get killed on the show or we'd be cancelled and sued, so there was no other choice but to make sure he survived and was put on life support. Scott probably learned his lesson after that last day and softened up quite a bit following Fang's attack." Chris noted.
"Didn't he also become even more of a softie around Courtney during season 5 while still maintaining some of his mean ways?" Chef asked. "I guess falling in love changed him further."
"That's true. Still not sure what exactly either saw within each other, but they broke up before long thanks to Mal interfering with them." McLean observed. "Speaking of Mal, he followed Scott by serving as the fifth season's villain!"
"We all know Mike was a sweet guy with multiple personalities. There was Svetlana the gymnast, Chester the old man, Vito the tough guy, and Manitoba Smith the explorer. Unfortunately, Mal was an evil alternate personality he also had that was suppressed and somehow got unleashed during All-Stars. I really feel bad for Mike when he couldn't always stay in control." Chef sympathized as the TV screen showed Multiple Mike and each personality as they were introduced.
"Mal was quite crafty and could easily fool people by imitating Mike as he made his way to the finals." Chris added. "Even I often had trouble telling them apart when re-watching footage from that season."
Clips from Total Drama All-Stars follow as Mal creates chaos in the game and tries to trick people into thinking Mike is in control, orchestrating the eliminations of Alejandro and Courtney after the merge.
"Like the previous antagonists, Mal would pay for his wrongdoings, though this would be more permanent." said Hatchet. "I have no idea how, but Mike managed to conquer his inner demon during the finale, and his other alternate personalities apparently got wiped as well. Proud of that kid for taking out the evil."
"I still got some good ratings from Mal, though." said the host. "Moving onto our sixth and most recent season, we introduced another new cast of contestants, and thus someone new to make schemes. Believe it or not, our villain of the season was an obese blonde gasbag named Sugar. She might not have seemed like much of a threat when I first met her, but re-watching the tapes showed she could be quite evil, at least when her odd love for Leonard the wannabe wizard didn't get in the way. Maybe the girl just pretended to be dumber in the beginning."
McLean cringed while mentioning her name, still irked by his experiences with Sugar. Clips from Total Drama Pahkitew Island were then shown on TV featuring the obese blonde delighted at Ella's distresses (i.e. getting electrocuted by an eel, threatened by Scuba Bear, heartbreak after finding out Dave was attracted to Sky instead of her, getting disqualified) as well as interrupting romantic moments between Sky and Dave. Sugar is also seen manipulating all three players by convincing the former to violate Chris's restriction on singing to save Dave from a bear (thus orchestrating Ella's elimination when informing the host about that singing with an anonymous note) and lying to Sky that Dave is flirting with all female contestants during "Mo Monkey Mo Problems" when he only was interested in Sky.
Another later clip shows Sugar exploiting Dave being bitter and heartbroken over Sky's rejection by convincing him to reveal her location in "Hurl and Go Seek". Other clips include the blonde unsuccessfully trying to form an alliance to Shawn to vote off Dave or Sky, sensing those two would be a threat if they became a couple, and knocking a tree onto Shawn's girlfriend Jasmine to slow her down in the final four's race to the top of a mountain and eliminating Jasmine when she was the last one to the top. Sugar is also shown tricking Sky into falling off a mountain's cliff in the final four and then her silhouette can be seen in "Pahk'd With Talent" preparing to hit Sky in her sleep with a club but disappearing without any attack.
"The final three was where Sugar at last got cut from the contest." Chef said with a smile, pleased she didn't make the final two.
"I also would've hated having her in the finals. That would be hell." Chris added. "She was not only a pain to deal with, but quite gross!"
The TV goes on to show Sugar wiping berry off Sky's face with her saliva, vomiting on Dave's face, swallowing a slug, chugging down juggy chunks, farting to repel robot bears, and farting in the faces of Chris, Shawn, and Sky after Jasmine is fired away from the cannon of shame upon elimination.
"The girl never got much payback compared to past villains, though, did she?" asked Chef.
"Probably not prior to her elimination, but we do have the following moments." replied Chris.
Clips are shown from "I Love You, I Love You Knots" where Sugar and her team get electrocuted by shock collars and from "Hurl and Go Seek" where she is hit in the face with a shoe, pukes from food poisoning the juggy chunks gave her, and Shawn knocking her from a tree to protect Jasmine.
"Here's how she met her end." Chef noted as a subsequent clip shows Sugar performing a combination of rap and country she called "craptry" during a talent show in "Pahk'd With Talent", receiving unanimously negative responses.
"I also cursed her out for that god awful craptry performance in the final three right before eliminating her, but the editors cut that because it was so profane they couldn't even bleep things out. Quite a shame because the viewers would've loved to see the expression on her face. Long story short, Lindsay's rant against Heather in season 1 was NOTHING compared to this." Chris told Chef.
The cook's eyes widened in response, having that profane rant full of insults from Lindsay during "That's Off the Chain!" fresh in his mind after re-watching it, telling the host "No wonder it got edited out."
Chris shrugged his shoulders before he and Chef then turned to face the camera. "What can we take from all of this?" asked McLean. "When you play your cards right, you can go quite far in the game. All six of our villains at minimum made the final four when they played the season baddie. I probably would've gotten fewer ratings if they went out in fifth or earlier, and things either way wouldn't have been as dramatic. Our show is called Total DRAMA after all. You can get that far too as long as you're crafty enough."
Right before the camera faded to black, the two then announced together "This is why we say the following; if mean-spirited AND tactical enough, be an antagonist."
THE END
This was a major change of pace from my previous work not only by writing something humorous, but also a piece that takes place after TDPI as opposed to during/in-between actual Total Drama episodes. It was an idea I wanted to try out for laughs and a concept I had never seen anybody else do. Like always, please be sure to leave reviews saying what you did or didn't like, and give specific details on any ways you feel it could be improved.