For Anna, ABC may not give you your happy ending, but I can.
It was a typical dreary Tuesday morning in Seattle. Teddy wove her way in and out of the ailing and afflicted population of the city in Seattle Grace Mercy West's Emergency Department trying to get to the exit so she could finally go and get her morning coffee. She'd been on call since 8PM the previous evening and was now dead on her feet, and in dire need of a caffeine fix.
The need for coffee becomes acute when one doesn't eat, as Teddy had learnt the hard way a few months ago when she very almost collapsed from exhaustion in the OR. It's the price of becoming beautiful and worthy, she rationed. After all, how else does one explain starving themselves?
Well, Teddy knows this is a misleading perspective that's become the assumption thanks to the media, and that in fact it's much more an emotional issue, but that would be overcomplicating it. Yes, saying that it's just so she can be thinner is much simpler and that way she can avoid having to deal with it.
xxxx
Teddy reaches the Attendings lounge and makes a beeline for the coffee machine. Ignoring the lightheadedness she feels, she reaches up into the cupboard for a coffee mug and sets it down onto the worktop and makes herself a cup. No sugar, no milk, just coffee and hot water. No more calories than needed.
She walks over to the sofa against the wall and sits in the corner to enjoy her cup of coffee and to rest for a few crucial moments before she has to round on her patients.
The dark liquid slides down her throat, warming her insides. It's one of the few pleasures she has in life. She savours every last drop of it.
As Teddy sips on her coffee, Arizona walks in.
"Oh, hi Teddy." Arizona greets.
"Hey." Teddy replies. Arizona walks over to the countertop and starts making a bowl of cereal. First adding the cornflakes. 133 calories, thinks Teddy, and then she adds the milk. 60 calories, Teddy adds to her mental count. Teddy's stomach rumbles so she quickly shoves the palm of her hand into it to stop the offending noise, and to make sure Arizona doesn't hear it.
Gosh, she wants some, but she can't. It's against the rules. No breakfast, no eating before 3PM, no eating after 6PM, no more than 500 calories, just to name a few. No, Teddy can't eat a bowl of cereal.
"You want a bowl?" Arizona asks. Yes.
"No, I'm good thanks. Off to rounds in a moment." Teddy answers instead.
"Enjoy." Arizona says sarcastically. No one likes rounding, the interns and residents fight for the chance to speak, demeaning the patient and their families in the process. It is a trivial task, rounding, but one that needs to be done.
"Thanks." Teddy mumbles into her coffee, finishing the last drop as she does so. She makes to stands up and rather than standing up, she finds herself sitting back on the sofa and her vision having gone and slowly returning. She barely kept a hold of her mug.
"Teddy, are you okay?" Arizona's concerned voice echoes around inside Teddy's skull as she fights to quell the nausea she's feeling.
"Yeah," Teddy replies, wincing, "just stood up far too quickly." It's not a complete lie, she did stand up too quick for someone running on minimal food. Arizona eyes her suspiciously.
"Okay…" She says, albeit reluctantly. Teddy slowly stands up, properly this time and rinses out her mug at the sink. She can feel Arizona's eyes on her back from where she's standing and resists the urge to turn around. She places the mug on the draining board and heads towards the door.
"See you later." She says to Arizona as she reaches the door.
"See you." Arizona replies, smiling softly. Teddy smiles back at her and heads towards the lifts to get to the cardiac ward.
xxxx
Teddy reaches the lift and reaches out to press the button when another hand beats her to it. She withdraws her hand and looks at the owner of the other hand; it's Owen. She chuckles lightly, as does he.
"Hey." She smiles.
"Hey." He replies, smiling back at her. Teddy loves Owen, both as a friend and as more. His ex-wife, Cristina, moved away a while ago now, and she thinks that maybe, just maybe, he might feel the same about her as she does him, but maybe that's just her mind playing tricks on her. It wouldn't be the first time. They've been through war together, literally. He's her best friend, and she's his.
"On call last night?" He asks.
"Is it obvious?" She answers, chuckling softly. Owen gets stuck for words for a moment,
"Well…" They both laugh. The lift dings as it reaches their floor and they both step inside and press their respective floor buttons. Teddy's stomach suddenly growls loudly and she tries to push her fist against it but it does nothing to stop the noise. Owen looks towards her, concerned.
"You should eat." He says, frowning.
"After rounds." She says, laughing in an attempt to reduce the tension. Her heart is hammering in her chest, as it does in any situation when she's asked about eating. He isn't convinced.
"Are you eating?" He asks, bluntly. Teddy finds it hard to hide her shock at the abrupt question.
"Yes." She says, trying to sound like it's an obvious thing.
"You look like you've lost weight, have you been ill?" He asks, eyeing her up and down.
"I, I had a stomach bug last week, that's probably it." She lies. Her heart is still hammering in her chest. On the one hand, she wants him to press, to make her tell him, but on the other she can't tell him, not now, she's not thin enough yet. Owen frowns again.
"Yeah." He mutters in agreement. As if on cue, the lift door opens and Owen slips out, leaving Teddy behind, alone.
xxxx
Half an hour later and Teddy has finished her rounds, and managed not to roll her eyes too many times at the crop of residents she had with her. She's beginning to feel extremely weak now, however she still won't eat. Her vertigo and nausea are beginning to really get in the way, to the point that she's finding it hard to walk in a straight line.
She holds onto the panel on the wall to steady herself as she begins to sway. Her vision blurs around the edges and she fights to regain her balance.
"Oh, my God, Teddy, are you okay?" Suddenly Arizona is at her side, just in time to catch her as she blacks out.
xxxx
When she awakes, she's in a bed in the ER sheltered by the privacy curtains. The events of… how long as she been blacked out? She doesn't know. The previous events come flooding back and the panic sets in. What's going to happen now? Who knows she's here? Who's treating her? She guesses whoever it was thought best to keep her dignity intact for as long as possible, gossip travels fast in this hospital, and for that, she's grateful. She hears a light cough and only then does she register that someone is holding her hand. Owen. It's Owen.
"Hey." She whispers. His head shoots up from its previous position of laying on the bed.
"Hi." He says with a soft, quiet voice. After a moment he speaks again, "You blacked out." She smiles pathetically and looks down. Her eyes beginning to burn.
"Yeah." She says, almost so quiet that he didn't hear.
"You haven't been eating." He says solemnly. She can't look him in the eye, embarrassment overtakes her.
"Yeah." She whispers hoarsely, repeating her earlier statement. He tightens his grip on her hand, fighting back his own tears. After a few moments of deafening silence, he speaks again.
"I'm not judging you, and I never will." He says, refuting her worst fears. She's so scared that she'll lose him. "I... I'm not going to pretend I understand, but I'm here for you, for whatever you need. I'm going to help you through this." Teddy's throat is completely choked up, she doesn't know how she'll be able to reply. So she squeezes his hand instead, hoping it conveys her thank you adequately. "Bailey sent for a psych consult, they'll be down here shortly." He tells her. Great, she thinks, sarcastically.
"Will you stay?" She whispers. She doesn't want to talk to them alone.
"Of course, Teddy." Owen affirms, he squeezes her hand again. Tears make their way down her cheeks. Owen smiles at her sadly and wipes one away with his free hand.
"I'm sorry." She feels the need to apologise to him. He could be doing much better things than sitting with her, she thinks.
"Don't apologise." Owen tells her. "You're my best friend. I'm not going anywhere. You're not alone." Fresh tears make their way down Teddy's cheeks once again. She smiles softly at him in silent thanks. Maybe, just maybe, she's not as alone as she once thought she was.
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