Love the Way You Lie
She almost wanted to punch herself for even thinking the thought. If anything, it was the sort of pretentious thing Marie would utter in a sudden bout of poeticism. Everything had a parable once her blue-haired sister got started, everything could be likened to something else. If so, originality was dead.
The concrete steps of Peach Creek High where she sat were starting to hurt her lower back but she couldn't be bothered to move. As good a place as any to think things over. What else could she do? Wander around aimlessly in search of a better place? Go back home to a trailer that would just fuel her irritation further? Go back to his house?
No, the steps suited her just fine.
The parable still peeved her though. In a way, she didn't want to believe in it, she would rather believe that what they had was more original, that there was no way of knowing how it was going to play out. She wanted to hold on to the belief that their relationship was something so much more, something which couldn't be defined in a single sentence. Even looking at the relationships around her confirmed that what the two of them had was different. Ed's thing with May; that was textbook mainstream love shit right there. Marie and Double-D? They managed to make what differed in their opinions and personalities play off of each other in some way, turning it into positives. What Lee herself had was nothing like that. It was raw, ugly, beautiful, sad, love, hate and real. She figured it couldn't be any other way between the two of them; two explosive personalities wrapped in bomb shells on a constant collision course.
Annoyance filled her as she took another drag off the cigarette. In another way, the parable was perfect. What they had felt like one in a million yet seemed so fucking cliché. She could picture the movie of her life in front of her; how it would all culminate in one final breakup before they went their separate ways, maybe one day learned to speak to each other as friends. They would have to what with the other Eds and her sisters surely shacking up at some point or the other. Or it would continue on the path they were on now; fight, break up, reunite, have it good, fight. A tried and true concept so far.
Maybe her irritatingly poetic thought had been right, maybe her relationship with Eddy McGee was very much like the cigarette in her hand; every instance of flaring up was another step closer to it dying until they finally threw what they had together away.
She made a mental note to punch the next person she met. Hopefully it would be Marie.
"Hi, guys!" The door opened to reveal Nazz, clothes torn and blood smeared all over her person. She made a move to hug Eddy, who stood closest, but he quickly put up his hands in protest.
"Whoa there, watch the suit!" He gestured down to his full Superman costume, a thought in the back of his head still nagging him that he should hit the gym more often.
"Oh, come on, it's all dry!" Nazz didn't even wait for a response before she embraced Eddy wholeheartedly. Releasing him, she gave Lee an equally enthusiastic greeting. "Wow, Lee, you look fantastic!"
"See, Babe? I told you you didn't look half bad." Eddy smirked knowingly.
"Still pissed you didn't let me go as Supergirl." Lee snarled back. There had been so much bickering in the last week about their costumes before she had finally relented and just gone as Lois 'Where's my man to save me?' Lane.
"I told you like a million times, they're cousins, would've been messed up." Eddy stuck his tongue out in an overdone manner to which Nazz snickered.
"Well, I still think you look great, Lee; it definitely suits you." Nazz smiled warmly and gently touched the other girl's shoulder, something she'd once never even dreamed of being able to do without a punch to the face.
"Look, don't take it the wrong way, but what're you supposed to be; a tampon?" Lee asked, forcing in a bit of lightness into her tone. It definitely helped as Nazz looked over her blood soaked white T-shirt for a second before laughing loudly.
"Oh, I should've seen that. Come in, guys." She closed the door after them and sighed softly. "No, I just… It's just sort of an effort not to look good, you know?"
"You're failing, let me tell you that." Eddy received a punch on his arm, probably harder than intended, for that comment. Lee had to secretly agree though; Nazz's natural good looks shone through all the layers of fake blood effortlessly.
"Thanks, Eddy." She smiled sadly. "It's just- You know, Kev's coming and, I don't know, if I just didn't put an effort into it to dress sexy or something, maybe guys wouldn't, you know, be interested and wanna try something. Feels like it could get ugly."
"Come on, you gotta be able to live your life." Lee scoffed. Even though she understood Nazz's desire to keep drama at a minimum, it had been close to three months since she had broken up with Kevin. "I get where you're coming from but you both gotta move on at some point."
"I know, I know." Nazz nodded, wrapping her arms around herself. "It's just… Not tonight, you know? It's the last Freshman party I'm hosting, some people really put a lot of thought into their costumes and, I don't know. I just want everyone to have a good time. Including Kevin."
"Hey, me and the boys can make sure Kev's having a good night, okay?" Eddy gave her a comforting pat on the elbow. The corners of Nazz's mouth turned up slightly in return.
"Thanks, both of you, you guys are the best." She embraced them both in a tender hug before stepping back, a smile one could almost mistake for happy on her face. "Drinks in the kitchen, Ed and May are around somewhere, they got here just a little while back. I'm gonna go check on a surprise for later in the basement."
"See you around?" Lee asked, already moving herself and Eddy towards the living room door.
"You know it." With that, Nazz went off to the basement door while Eddy stopped Lee for a second in the living room.
He rubbed the back of his head unsurely. "Hey, look, I know you're pissed about the costume-"
"It is what it is." She said through clenched teeth; why the hell did he think it was a good thing to bring that up?
"But I just- Shit, I don't know." Eddy grunted and made an unidentifiable gesture with his hands. "I just figured it's symbolic, you know? Not the fucking damsel in distress shit, I know you could punch out almost anybody you wanted, me included." She looked away, slightly uncomfortable with what he was insinuating. "But I just figured that Lois Lane, she's working behind the scenes, backing up Clark Kent, the guy behind Superman that nobody sees. I mean, you're kinda like that to me."
"You couldn't have said that at any other point this week?" Lee bit her tongue, ignoring the dozen things she wanted to dissect with his argument but decided not to, and instead focused on the compliment; this night was not the time and place for their usual drama.
"Yes." Eddy placed a fist against his forehead, a pained expression mixed with annoyance flashing across his features. "Yes, I could've fucking done that. I'm an idiot, I'm a fuckup; happy?"
"You know fucking well I'm not happy." Lee hissed and took a step closer, balling up fistfuls of skirt in her hands to keep them occupied. "You know fucking well I don't believe any of that bullshit."
"What the fuck does that matter if I do?" He closed his eyes, trying to collect himself. Public place, friends around, joyous occasion; not the time to air out self-doubt. "Look. I- I just thought it'd be a nice meaning behind it, just between the two of us. Besides, I think you look fucking gorgeous in that outfit."
"I look like a fucking office rat."
"'Cause Lois Lane is a fucking office rat. You, however-" Eddy grabbed her hands and was surprised at how little she resisted the gesture. "You look like a professional version of yourself, aight?"
Her scowl softened considerably and the corner of her mouth twitched."Next year, Supergirl." His laugh was short and breathy; he'd learned to be thankful for what he could get.
"Fuck no; next year, Wonder Woman."
"Admit it." She placed her forehead against his and smiled. "You just wanna see me in a skimpy outfit."
"Always a plus, Babe. Always a plus."
Eddy tapped his chin in thought; how many beers was that now? Better yet, how many shots had he been pushed into taking after Kevin had turned up?
"Hey. Hey, Double-D." Said Double-D looked up from his own drink, his eyes working hard to cooperate with each other in finding a direction. "How many shots did you do?"
"I thank-" The intelligent Ed stopped himself when he noticed the slight slur to his speech. Clearing his throat and taking a deep breath, he tried again. "I think… That I have taken one too many. Which is certainly more than it was before that. Meaning…" He trailed off, swaying a bit in his seat.
"Double-D?" Eddy had seen many levels of drunk over the years, both in himself and in others, and he was definitely of the professional opinion that his friend had been drinking an unspecified amount of alcohol.
"Eddy, what is your plofessi- profounun- professorial opinion on flute fravored- flute flaven- artificially sweetened drinks?" Double-D asked, the words slowly trickling out of his barely open mouth.
"They're okay, I guess."
"Excellent." Double-D stood halfway up and put his drink on the table in front of Eddy, his sluggish movements suggesting that his body wasn't quite doing what his brain was telling it to do. "I am off… my head intoxicated. But I am also off… to find a water source."
"Dude, why don't you just head home if you're that drunk?" Eddy of course didn't want anyone to leave, parties like this came far and few between, but he certainly didn't want anyone to have some sort of accident all over the floor.
"No, no. It's just-" Double-D pushed up the sleeve of his shirt and observed his arm for a second before realizing that it was bare. With a look of exaggerated realization, he fumbled around his waistcoat for a moment and finally got out a pocket watch. He smacked his lips loudly and drew the corners of his mouth back like he was attempting to impersonate a frog as he tried to decipher the direction the hands of the watch was pointing in. "'Tis early yet, barely eleven."
"No one would blame you."
"No, I'll be fine. I wouldn't want Marie to- Marie to worry. I will possibly return." His hand moved like a wet dishrag in a motion that was most certainly supposed to be intended as a wave and he left, staggering away in the direction of the kitchen. Eddy let out a deep sigh which turned into a breathy chuckle, thinking it quite nice that Double-D was thinking of Marie in his time of intoxication.
He sank deeper into the couch and took another swig of his beer. Relocating himself seemed like too much of an effort, plus that if he happened to be roped into Kevin, Ed and Rolf's little corner of "I can stomach thiiiiis much alcohol, can you?" they had going on in the basement he probably wouldn't live to see midnight.
The most considerate thing to do would be to find Lee though, right? It'd be stupid not to spend time with her at an event like this. Yet nothing within him spoke clearly that he wanted to do so, there was no urgent need to find her.
A chortle escaped him, mostly aimed at himself. He knew it would take this route, sure wasn't the first time. How many times hadn't it been like this? One little thing spiraling to become the biggest problem they had ever seemed to have? All week, it had been the costumes. Before that, life after graduation. Before that, dinner. It just went on and on and they could never just slow down and agree on the little things that didn't even matter in the end. How the hell can you call that healthy?
They could definitely agree on the fact that at the end of the day, they loved each other. Eddy still wasn't sure when or how he had fallen for his former nemesis but it had happened fast and he had fallen hard. He had yet to regret it, no matter how shitty their arguments got. A life with Lee was a thousand times better than the alternative.
Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe he just loved her. Maybe he just needed to stop thinking so damn much.
"Hey, bro." Kevin walked up to him and propped himself up against the same wall. The party had kicked into full gear and people were actively scurrying back and forth through the kitchen in search of something to drink.
"Hey." Eddy found the best way to avoid thinking about how drunk he had become was to look at other people to see how drunk they were.
"How you doing?" Sluggish movements, slurred speech, unfocused eyes; he'd probably say Kevin was one stumble away from falling asleep on the floor.
"Eh, it'saight. You?" What time was it even? It felt like ages since he'd seen someone he knew.
"I'm- I'm pretty fuck-" He paused to withhold a burp. "Prettyugh fucking drunk, I'll tell you."
"Yeah, how're Ed and Rolf doing?" Eddy didn't even want to begin thinking about the amounts of alcohol the jock, the farmboy and the… Ed had inhaled during the night. A thought nonetheless popped up in his head and it managed to reach his mouth before he could deem it rather absurd. "Hey, you think you three's drunk enough to fill one of those, one of those, kiddie pools?"
"Yo, I…" Kevin's eyes closed for a moment before shooting open in a fevered attempt to stay awake. "Probably. I thought I could, you know, with whatever but those two…" He trailed off and reached up to sloppily rub his face. "Ed went hoooume with May and Rolf's doing some kind of… Dance or something, I don't know."
"You sure you're alright?" Because of course there was more to it. There was an overweighing sadness to the jock, now that he was too drunk to conceal any real emotions bubbling just under the surface. Ed and Rolf might have been drinking because, well, they were bottomless barrels but Kevin drank to forget his sorrows. Lord knows Eddy had been in that situation.
"I miss her. Man." Kevin's head swayed around and his glossed over eyes tried their best to find Eddy's. "I just- All summer's been- I thought-"
"Hey, let's get some water, ey?" Even though Eddy knew it was far too late for even attempting to sober Kevin up, he still led him to the sink where Kevin dutifully got a comically oversized mug out of the cupboard and filled it with water. "Not all at once though, aight?"
"Whatever, Mo- Mom." Kevin mumbled in response. A few sips of water slipped down before he tried to refocus his thoughts. "I know it's been all summer and, I don't know, I just thought that at some point, we'd get back together and things would go back to normal and I could hold her again and it wouldn't be so cold at night and-"
"Hey." Eddy put a hand on his shoulder to stop the rambling rant. "I know it sucks now and all but you gotta move on at some point."
"Easier said than said." Kevin half-whispered into his mug.
"Yeah, I know. But I mean, you've got all these friends and you go to the same school and it's like a year to graduation when we're probably all gonna break up anyway."
"Hey, McGee." The jock threw out a hand meant to grab onto Eddy's lower arm but instead only managed to weakly punch the air. "Can I be… Real with you?"
"Sure." If Eddy had wanted to sarcastically point out the fact that the conversation had been rather raw and real up until that point, he didn't show it.
"Doesn't that kinda scare you?" Kevin struggled to focus his gaze on the short Ed's face. "Just… Everything we've- we've done here and all the people and now we're just gonna like leave it and we'll never see each other and all that sappy shit."
"Scares the fuck out of me." Eddy gulped down the rest of his drink; no need to stop with the personal revelations now. "Just the thought that me, Ed and Double-D won't see each other every day, we might slip apart, Lee's gonna be somewhere else…" He trailed off, reflecting on the countless nights he'd spent dreading the future simply because he liked the present. Or at least he had liked the past. "I just wanna stop time sometimes, you know?"
"Yeah, me too." Kevin tried to push off the wall but stumbled around so badly as a result that Eddy had to dive forward and grab a hold of him. "I'm prolly gonna head home, man."
"Sounds good. You want some company?" Eddy gave him a concerned look.
"Nah, I should be-" He swayed on his feet, staring straight ahead in an attempt to gather himself. "I should be fine."
"Aight." Eddy wasn't sure the jock wouldn't make the acquaintance with some bushes on the way home but he was a grown man; if he said he had it, you'd just have to believe he had it. "Text me or something if something's up."
"Yeah." Kevin clapped a hand on Eddy's shoulder and mustered up a lopsided grin. "You're not the dork you was, McGee."
"Thanks, Kev." Eddy chortled and returned the compliment with a pat on the back. "Go get some sleep."
"Sounds nice, gonna do that." Kevin untangled himself and stumbled out of the kitchen without another word, his legs moving independently from any sort of physical law. Eddy leaned back against the wall again and shook his head with a small smile; it'd been a nice conversation. A moment passed where he just stood there, looking around the room at the different people engaged in their own conversations, body language speaking loads of their vital importance. Doing nothing, thinking about nothing, sedated from his usual racing mind. Ignorant bliss. He moved to get another drink, misjudged the distance of a glass on the counter and watched with mild apathy as it crashed into the floor.
"Fuck." The thing about watching drunk people when you're drunk is how you can momentarily forget how drunk you yourself are.
Someone spoke to him but the buzzing of adrenaline in his ears drowned out everything but the sound of his own labored breathing.
"The fuck's wrong with you?!"
His knuckles were burning, a dull ache had begun to pulsate in his knee and he tried to focus his eyes to follow the curious trail of blood stained gravel leading up to his hands clasped firmly to the ground. The world was turning violently and he felt somewhat that he had to do his best to hang on.
"I just asked him for his fucking lighter!"
No, those were the words ringing in his ears. She'd said that, she wasn't there now. She'd left. Who was-
Someone tried to get him to sit down. He wanted to utter some sort of displeased sound but he wasn't sure anything came out. Apparently not since the person guided him to sit back against a lamppost and kneeled down next to him; was it Nazz? He couldn't be sure, his head was spinning so much that even keeping his eyes open made him dizzy.
"Eddy? Eddy, are you-"
"-fucking insane?! Are you that fucking insecure?!"
There was no focus in either vision or his mind; the world had turned blurry when he wasn't looking at his mind was looking elsewhere all together. He opened his eyes, trying to take in whomever was speaking but the only thing he could just barely make out was the blood flowing from the giant scrape on his knee.
Street. He patted the ground. It felt safe, street meant home.
She'd left. He'd… He'd punched someone and she'd left. Why did she always leave?
He was too tired. He needed to sleep. Needed her. He felt nothing but relief when he fell over to his side and started vomiting violently.
Lee stood up, flicking the cigarette in an arch onto the pavement. Her legs had been starting to fall asleep from the cold concrete underneath her so she figured she'd stretch her legs a little. Not head home, to… either home, she decided. She followed the school building around the corner until the football field lay open before her. The lack of youngsters making mischief around the bleachers guided her steps towards them. The countless times she herself had been one of the youngsters to make mischief there, but tonight just her with conundrums and cigarettes. How the times changed.
She knew the battle that raged inside of him; the fear of letting go, of leaving and being left but likewise the urge to escape. He had never talked about it, never sober and never calm. Always in sentences screamed at her in frustration, born out of a lack of understanding himself. Never truly knowing what he wanted, fears of failure, his broken sense of self-esteem that he only let on to around her. She could have only said so much before she herself became frustrated because of his fuck all ability to want to change.
Misery loves company. She'd seen it before, getting comfortable within your own darkness. It's not good for you, but it's familiar and it's easy. Believing that the negativity is there to stay, that you're not worthy of anything else. No matter how much he had tried to hide it behind a mask of faux confidence, she knew it was always there bubbling under the surface.
"You…" His eyes were pools of mixed confusion, hurt and anger, a hand gently touching the pulsating cheek getting redder by the second. "Fucking hit me."
"…" She looked down at her still clenched fist, paralyzed by shock. Had she? It felt like it, but why? She looked at the sprawled out form of her boyfriend where he lay on the floor, his reaction a twisted sort of mirror to her own. But there was something else in there as well, something that she in turn felt slightly ashamed arose as a reaction to all of this: Relief.
Weeks of pent-up anger at his constant self-pitying, self-victimizing, blaming everyone around him when he wasn't constantly jabbering on about how much it fucking sucked to be Eddy McGee.
Part of her knew that maybe he needed help. Every fiber that had come to be as a result of her turbulent upbringing however screamed that the coddled little cockweasel needed a fucking wake up call to the harsh reality that yeah, life sucked sometimes but you moved the fuck on and didn't constantly bitch about it. Maybe that was the only way to get through to him.
The corner of her mouth turned upwards into a smirk.
"I guess I did." All insecurity faded from his eyes and his gaze darkened considerably. She let down her guard, suddenly unsure if maybe she'd overdone it.
"You fucking BITCH!" This allowed him to shoot up from the floor and throw himself full force into her midsection. Panic momentarily came over her as she got the air knocked out of her and pain shot through her when they both crashed hard into the floor. He straddled her and drew back his arm, fist already clenched and aimed for her face. Hesitation froze him for a second which was all the time she needed to find her own opening.
"You're the bitch." She hissed out between clenched teeth and swung her arm up. The awkward position she was in only allowed her fist to connect with his ear but he nonetheless tumbled off of her. The both scrambled to their feet, adrenaline pumping through their systems like crazy and they just stared at each other. She smirked again. He lunged.
She quickly deflected his outstretched arms and threw a fist into his stomach. She felt the surprise involuntarily spread across her face when he didn't fold over in pained breathing but instead grabbed a firm hold of her shirt and yanked it in an attempt to throw her. He flinched when she grabbed his sides but again surprised her when his grip changed, grabbing body parts instead this time, and actually managed to fling her over the couch, landing hard on her arm but just narrowly missing smashing through the coffee table. He rushed her and she threw out a leg, knocking him off balance and sending him crashing into the floor. She was on top of him in no time, straddling his midsection and grabbing his collar.
"What're you gonna do, huh?" His breaths came out in short bursts as he thrashed around, trying to wiggle free while his arms flailed around. "You gonna have the fucking balls to hit me?" By accident, one of his wild swings managed to strike her arm in the same spot she'd landed on and she cried out in pain. He stopped moving, but she could only see red. "You fucking coward." Her clenched fist flew down and struck his eye this time and he barely got a sound out before she'd hit him again. "Fucking DO IT!" She drew her arm back again and could almost hear something snapping in him.
She nearly doubled over when he punched her right in the gut and wrenched her off him, sending her backwards on her ass. He grabbed her shoulder and slammed her hard into the side of the couch, but she didn't give him the satisfaction of a sound. Finally, he reached back and landed a long awaited punch right across her face with a heavy grunt to which she did emit a small groan. He withdrew his arm and struck her again. She didn't move, she couldn't be bothered to, figured he deserved to do this, so she took yet another punch as this grunt of his turned into a sob. Her eyes fluttered open just in time to see him collapse to his knees, staring blankly into nothing with tears welling up in his eyes.
She grunted wearily, ignoring the pulsating pain in her face, and shifted her position to her knees as well. Lee caught him just before he crashed into the floor and kissed him hard while he broke down in hysterics. She cradled him, shushed him, kissed him, did her best to assure him that she was okay, that they were okay. They sat like that for who knows how long, rocking softly back and forth, until he finally reciprocated her affection and they fucked on the floor right there in the center of their battleground.
It might have started that night but it hadn't ended there. Their violent dance had continued; let all of their aggressions out on each other before reaffirming that they did in fact love each other. They never fucked out of hate.
It was fucked up. She never pretended otherwise; she couldn't picture Double-D laying a hand on Marie, let alone Ed even look at May with anything other than love and admiration. She couldn't think of a single person who would call it normal behavior and she was glad that no one would; it meant people around her functioned in healthier ways than herself. Not that she would ever call it healthy, fuck no, but she couldn't deny that it had worked. On some twisted, sadomasochistic level it had worked.
She settled in on the bleachers and lit another cigarette. It wasn't like they had wailed on each other for fun, or at least she thought so. Sometimes things would just be too much and shit would blow up. Frustrations about themselves, each other, general life all bottled up until the top came off. It had only happened twice since that first time and she had been afraid to admit it, to herself and more so to him, but… She had kind of liked it. The aggression, the hatred mixed in with love in a melting pot of perverse passion. The relief that came afterwards, both mental and post-orgasmic bliss, the two of them closer than ever, snuggled up in each other's arms. It had made her feel alive in ways she'd never experienced before.
'Should've talked about it' Lee could almost hear Double-D whisper. The brainy Ed would certainly say it in a more roundabout way and with way too much emphasis on his disapproval of their coping methods, but that simple sentence of four words summed up essentially what she knew a better solution would be. She'd tried it though, both of them had, but some feelings weren't easily expressed in words. Someone would start talking, give up at the first sign of not being understood and then a fight about miscommunication would break out. Nothing violent, of course, they were still content with just talking loudly at each other on a regular basis.
She sighed drearily and rubbed her face. Just recounting their 'coping mechanisms' reminded her of how completely fucked up the two of them had become.
Eddy rubbed his face and tried to focus. He was home, in his hallway, about to take his shoes off, go into the kitchen, then into his room and-
'That's not focusing.' He thought to himself. Starting with a deep breath to regain some sense of calm, he pried off his shoes and lined them up perfectly with the edge of the doormat. Double-D would've been proud. He briefly considered sending his brainy friend a picture but decided against it; the hour was late and Double-D had never been one to appreciate drunken late night messages unless they were of the utmost importance. Eddy snickered. Sure, he was indeed drunk but Double-D would probably throw a fit if he knew that wasn't all Eddy was on tonight. Hell, Eddy himself didn't completely know what or how much.
A wistful sigh escaped him. Another night of getting wrecked out of his mind just to feel good, or rather feel something outside of the bleak melancholic time he usually experienced in his day to day life. Little brief flickers in the dark.
His feet stumbled in the general direction of the kitchen, the rest of his body wobbling along. Maybe it wasn't even that though, maybe it was more about suppressing his usual misery. Apathy in a bottle. That explanation felt more apt. He stopped dead in his tracks and analyzed what he was feeling for a moment. Empty, mostly, in both an emotional and physical sense; he was rather hungry after all.
He knew he was probably depressed, contemplating the meaning of this as he strode into the dark kitchen without bothering to turn the light on. Looking up the definite symptoms had always felt like more of an admission than he would care to stand for but he'd picked up enough over the years through health classes and media to know the general gist of it. Even if this haphazard attempt at a self-diagnosis was either completely spot on or off by a mile he wouldn't ever want to do something about it. Mental illness meant weakness and Eddy McGee deplored any sign of weakness in himself. Stemmed from his brother growing up, of course, with the way he'd been bullied and beat into submission for his bro's shits and giggles. Hell, it had taken a beating from his brother in front of all the kids from the street for him to admit even to himself that his role model that far in life was a sadistic asshole. So yeah, he would continue to skirt around the issue, pretending that things were fine.
He paused his trail of thought to sweep a couple of jars out of the fridge. Peanut butter and jelly wasn't really what he was craving but it would be easy to prepare. Hell if he was gonna pick up a fruit to eat.
The monotonous motion of spreading peanut butter on bread soon sent him back down the rabbit hole of thought. So… Even if he would admit that maybe, possibly, there was a sliver of a chance that he was depressed, what would come of it? The circumstances around him that bothered him most and could trigger the most despair filled moments would still be there. Everyone would still be splitting up and head out to college, he himself didn't have a fucking clue what he wanted to do with himself, school proved that he didn't even know if he could do something with himself and then… There was Lee. Suddenly aware that she was asleep in the other room, his room for that matter, he made a big show of gently removing any trace of the preparation of his nightly snack. She knew he drank to escape whatever demons he harbored inside his mind but that was about it and he definitely didn't feel like handing over a grocery list of what he had been using that night.
Lee though. Lee Kanker, once his mortal enemy, now his… Girlfriend, yes, but what more than that? She was an enigma in his mind, a conduit for so many varied emotions that he didn't know a single person could bring out of him. He could love her, worship the ground she walked on, wax poetry about her positive aspects, suddenly finding himself longing for her in the middle of class just as easily as he could hate her guts and want absolutely nothing to do with the mere mention of her name. He'd called her many a things throughout their times together, but it was the ones that had been shouted and screamed with increasing intensity and believability over the last year that he was, in his somber moments, quite frankly ashamed of. Not to mention their fucking boxing matches; that was just another level of completely fucked up. That first time when she'd hit him first, everything just went white. It had been more than self-defense; it had been a conscious will to inflict pain upon her. He had felt nothing but pure hatred for the woman. Coming down from it, he had in turn never felt worse in his entire life. It was something he thought he'd hear one day that his brother had been doing but never himself.
Eddy sighed and took a bite of the sandwich. She'd convinced him that she was fine; if anything it had been her fault, figuring that it'd help him express some of the things he had been feeling and… Another thing he didn't really want to admit was that it had kind of helped for the moment. Of course he knew it wasn't healthy, of course he'd felt like utter shit about it and of fucking course it had happened again. They'd been drunk both of those times and neither knew who had started it but both of them agreed to try harder to make whatever the fuck they had work.
She had walked out before that first time, ready to leave him for good, and he had barely even registered it. Just another thing on the shit pile that he dragged around every day. She eventually showed up at his door a week later, just when he was actually starting to miss having her around him, and fucked his brains out without saying a word and just like that they were back on track. That had been it, they had never talked about it afterwards and no one around them ever brought it up. The people in their immediate surroundings, the other two Eds and Lee's sisters, knew they were dysfunctional and could get into some heated shouting matches over the pettiest of shit but it had always been that way, even back when they first started going out. Somewhere along the line though, shit obviously turned sour and weight started being thrown behind the words with intent of harm. There was no pinpointed location, no cataclysmic day when everything suddenly turned upside down for them, it had just evolved naturally over time. Much like how his sandwich had now disappeared completely.
He decided against making another one, or anything else for that matter; sleep was starting to feel like a lot more vital need to tend to. With all the grace of a line dancing buffalo, he sauntered out of the kitchen and carefully made his way to the most important mission of the night: Not waking the sleeping giant.
For a moment, actual fear filled him as he took to the saying quite literally and dreaded the thought of even opening the door to peer at the monstrous giant that lay resting behind the door. What could he, a humble peasant do to-
He caught himself in the drug fueled fantasy and shook his head. So that's how Ed had felt most of their childhood, huh?
His thoughts were put on hold when he finally eased the door open with minimalistic movement and paused, holding his breath in search of any sounds. The tension hung heavy in the air until a soft snore squeezed through the gap in the door and Eddy could breathe a sigh of relief. Quietly slipping in and closing the door with just as minimalistic a movement as before, he shuffled carefully along the floor with his arms outstretched over to his bathroom without sparing her a glance. If she was faking being asleep, he might be able to postpone a discussion at least until he was done in the bathroom.
With the door closed behind him, Eddy continued to shuffle carefully into the pitch black bathroom. He kicked himself mentally once again about the blown out light bulb that he'd put off changing for the last two weeks. His spatial awareness seemed to work better with one less sense feeding him information about his surroundings though and he found the sink without any hindrances. Fumbling around, his hands connected with the two items Lee had shoved there because she had been tired of "pissing in the dark every single night". He had asked her in a half-hearted jokey tone if she was still afraid of the dark. She had smiled at that before telling him to shut up.
With a flicker, the lighter came to life and he guided the flame towards the candle which lit instantly. He held up the candlestick level with his face and looked tiredly at the reflection in the mirror. A more worn out and exhausted version than he had been expecting of himself, swimming in a pool of sheer darkness, stared back at him. Circles underlined his eyes, eyes that spoke of underlying pain and cheeks that hung sightly downwards as a reminder of all the exercise he should be doing and all the shit he shouldn't be eating.
"Fuck me…" He muttered, honestly taken aback at just how old and weathered he looked. In his mind's eye, he was still twelve, even if he'd left the striped shirt and baggy jeans behind and got a bit more hair on his head. Same with everyone who'd been around since forever, they all looked exactly the same to him as they did when they'd been prepubescent kids getting into trouble and dealing with nonsense problems. Part of his denial that time was still marching on was holding a tight grip on the past and not letting go.
That shit, that very moment, was the most scared he'd ever felt; with his mindset of living in the past, the future was literally staring him down. His failures, whatever successes he could muster up, all written in tiny lines running across his face. All the years in front of him planned out, mapped down to the last intricate detail but nevertheless changing constantly. End up in alone in a trailer park? Live above the garage in the inevitable house Ed and May would one day get? Burn through his parents life savings to go to college only to flunk out, OD in the gutter, live homeless on the streets as his old friends drive by in flashy cars, burn the whole fucking house down right now and just end it all right here-
He recoiled, barely keeping the candle steady. Those were thoughts he'd never entertained, ones he never touched on. Shit sucked and there were days when he couldn't stand the absolute mess his life had become, but his mind never reached out that far to such drastic places.
Burn it.
He shook his head. He didn't want to die, for fuck's sake, it was the complete fucking opposite: He wanted to live, improve the shitty hand he'd been dealt and, most importantly, move on. Build something for himself, a home, an identity, a family with little short red-headed people in his own image to scam the kids on their own block and have the most ridiculous adventures with their friends. Grow old together with Lee, sit on the porch and complain about the shit being played on their futuristic space radio while they held hands.
Burn.
He focused on the candle, trying to calm his breathing as it started to feel like the darkness around him was reaching out for him. Fuck it, yeah; he was a massive asshole and she was a colossal bitch. They had beaten each other several times and could be absolutely obnoxious around others whenever things were actually going good for them. They screamed at each other without any consideration for people who could be around them and they could fuck with a fiery passion or a gentle touch at the drop of a hat. They could call each other names and storm out the door cursing the other's existence but they would always be back to hold and be held when shit got rough.
Burn!
He stumbled backwards, swatting at an honest to God shadowy arm that reached out towards him. He fucking loved her with all his heart. Whatever hatred would always be fleeting but that sense of loyalty, that desire to come back home to her every night, wanting to wake up to the honestly ghastly sight of her face when she couldn't give two fucks about removing her makeup… That shit hadn't gone away so far and it probably wouldn't for a long fucking time. He sure as fuck wouldn't want it to either case and he didn't want her to.
You pathetic creature; burn it all down!
His back hit the wall and he couldn't hold back a whimper when several more arms reached out towards him from the darkness. The fact that she was still there… Was a fucking miracle, that she even bothered to put up with his shit. Still, he couldn't help but doubt that like he doubted everything else. She would leave, at some point she would just pack her shit and walk out the door without ever looking back because he couldn't be the man she wanted him to be.
That's right, you insecure little shit stain. You are nothing.
Whatever the fuck this was, it was getting to him. He reached up to wipe away the worst of the tears he hadn't realized were streaming down his cheeks until now. What the fuck would he have in his life if he lost her? Nothing. No future, no present and only a past that was clearly done with him.
So what are you waiting for, you worthless worm? BURN IT DOWN!
He slammed the candlestick down on the floor in front of his trembling feet which he quickly retracted in under himself as he curled up into a ball. His eyes were firmly shut now as he buried his face in his knees, not only in a feeble attempt to stop the tears but to avoid seeing the sneering masses of blackness surrounding him.
"My head, my head, my head…" He spat out in a wheezy whisper as he clawed at the back of his skull, trying hard to convince himself that reality was still a concept not being violently wrenched out of his hands.
This is real. Face it. There's nothing, NOTHING, for you anymore.
He let out a violent sob when something touched his back, much like someone running a finger up his back underneath his skin. His weakly clenched fists pounded at the sides of his head, his mind too fucking empty to even think of a thought to distract himself. There was nothing anymore, just him and the… Things stirring, stretching out their limbs in efforts to grab at him, torture him, tear him apart.
Fucking DO IT!
"N-No…" Something stirred on his back again and he clenched his eyes shut even harder but could still see before him how his own shadow rose up behind him, slowly extracting its clawed fingers from his skin and dragging them against the wall tiles. It raised its hand to the grotesque, pulsating form that was sure to be its face and looked over the claws for a moment before slowly leaning its towering mass down over him. Eddy let out a weak sob at its presence and began shaking when the claws scraped across his back.
Truly pathetic. You even think you deserve this suffering.
The sound of his own heavy panting, intercut with shallow sobs, would normally drown out any noise but he heard the meaning behind the creature's voice as clear as day, just as he could see it hovering just above him as it leered down at his huddled form.
You're wrong. You deserve nothing.
Eddy tried to curl up even more, make himself even smaller, hide anyway he could, when the voice appeared right next to his ear.
If you don't have the balls to BURN, you dismal maggot, I will do it for you.
One hand dug its claws gently but firmly into Eddy's shivering back while the other one reached out towards the candle. It paused just before the tips of the claws connected with the candlestick and turned its eyeless gaze to Eddy, the sensation of a wide grin digging into him just like the claws burying themselves in his back, tearing his skin, while the stench of its putrid breath filled up the whole room.
Goodbye, fucking coward.
Eddy wanted to do something, he truly did. Punch, kick, scream, fight back, anything; this thing was gonna burn down the house! He might've deserved it but Lee sure as fuck didn't. Now they were gonna burn to death, they were gonna die because he was a worthless nothing who couldn't even-
"Eddy?"
- fight off some fucking shadows that were mutilating his skin and how the blood had to be running down his back where his shirt had been ripped and-
"Eddy?"
- the fire would be spreading to him soon but if he somehow managed to stop it then maybe he could but no because he was stupid worthless pathetic couldn't even-
"Eddy!"
He shot back when a hand graced his shoulder and he shot up, back to the wall, staring wildly around him. It was suddenly bright, much brighter than it could be with a small candle. It was almost unnatural, the sheen that blinded him, like a divine light sent from above to chase the darkness away.
"Eddy? Eddy, how are you?"
The noise, sounding very much like it was coming from the other end of a long tunnel drew his attention and noticed for the first time that a familiar shape was kneeling in the doorway. Shape, the shape, clothes, face, hair, bright red, fire, oh God the fire spread, the fire would burn down the house she was going to-
"Eddy, look at me. I'm here."
He whimpered when the fire drew closer but knew that he couldn't escape it. He was gonna burn down the house and take her with it. He fucking deserved it though.
She tore another cigarette out of the pack immediately after throwing the remains of the last one as far as she could. Fucking idiot. It had been four days since she had awoken to strange noises in Eddy's bathroom, walked in, flicked the switch to the newly changed light bulb to find the young man huddled in the corner in a pool of his piss manically dribbling out both of their names between saliva choked sobs. The amount of time it took to gain some semblance of contact with him was in itself worrying but her heart had almost stopped when he backed up into the corner like a frightened animal with no sign that he even recognized her, spitting out slurred words that resembled "fire", "worthless" and "burn". It took all her willpower not to break down right there; she could be distant with her emotions, sure, but seeing her boyfriend in that state was more than she felt able to handle.
Time passed, she had no idea how much, before he seemed sure that she wasn't dangerous and he broke down completely once it clicked who she was. She couldn't deny the tears that trickled down her own face as she sat there, gently stroking his head while he sobbed "I'm sorry" over and over again into her lap. Hours must have passed before he was coherent enough to be lead into the shower and then the bed where he fell asleep with a few reassurances that she would still be there when he woke up. Indeed, she had been there when he woke up. For the past four days, she hadn't ever left his house.
The first day had been a carbon copy of their usual hangover days: Order pizza, clean up any messes from the previous night, lounge on the couch in front of movies and sitcoms 'til shit didn't blow as much anymore. He was quiet for most of the day and she didn't push him.
The second day had been similar, except he'd shortly told her the story of what he'd been doing before coming home. She kept her opinions to herself, didn't prod, didn't scream at him for being a fucking idiot; she just listened and then told him that she was glad he was safe.
The third day was spent mostly in bed, holding each other and talking about everything and nothing; past, present and future.
The fourth day had barely begun when they sat at the breakfast table and he suddenly blurted out that he was depressed and needed help. She had shrugged her shoulders and given her support before going back to her coffee.
She checked her phone. Nothing new, apart from a frustrating amount of texts from her sisters; apparently "alive", "still alive" and "ffs i said i was alive" didn't count as enough reassurance to them that she hadn't shuffled off this mortal coil. Eddy was supposed to shoot her some kind of message once he'd sent Ed and Double-D home, both of whom were currently over at his house to hear whatever the short Ed wanted to unload on them. She figured Double-D could help him come up with some kind of practical game plan to tackle this whole thing while Ed would just be the strangely wise support pillar who gave heartwarming hugs. Either way, he needed to speak unhindered so she'd gotten out of his hair for the evening after they'd finished dinner.
Hell, it was for the best if Eddy got into the habit of talking to the other two Eds on that kind of level. Lee could shovel support all day long but she was still just one person and she too had days worse than others. Maybe, when shit got better, she'd start opening up a bit more as well, slide open a little slot in her stoic demeanor and share some of her own most inner thoughts and problems. An immovable object and an unstoppable force might have sounded romantic on paper, considering how stubborn they could both be, but it was really fucking tiring in practice. In the end, nothing more than a massive asshole and a colossal bitch who refused to waiver just because. Fucking childish really.
She still didn't know what he'd seen that night, what had terrified him to the point of a mental breakdown, and she wasn't sure she even wanted to know. If he wanted to tell her, he'd tell her; she wouldn't push him on that point. She figured that it most likely wouldn't happen again anyway, at least not to that severe a degree.
The glow of her cigarette resembled a firefly as it rose into the air with her arms as she tried to stretch out her back. The only question was what she'd do now. Heading back to the trailer was completely out of the question; the endless barrage of inquisitions that would pummel her as soon as she stepped through the door wasn't really that tantalizing a thought. Walking it was then. She hopped down the bleachers and set off, over the football field in the direction of Peach Creek's main street, betting to herself that she'd be able to lap all of the small community twice before he'd call.
For reference, she checked her phone again. 11:17. She rolled her eyes and shook her head; he'd said they would be done no later than ten, which she could've said was bullshit right there and then. Hell, he probably knew it too because for the first time she found herself loving the way he lied, if only because he was so completely shit at it.
At a later point, Eddy was asked by someone to write a list of things he had learned from that whole year and essentially warnings about what he'd experienced.
Shit I learned that one time
*Drugs can fuck you up.
*Abuse is fucked up. Shouldn't do it, obviously.
*Don't play with fire.
*Fucking talk to someone if you're depressed. Suicide's never an option.
*Don't listen to all the shit you're feeding yourself. You're a cool cucumber.
Yeah, I use phrases like cool cucumber, so fucking what?
*Let people know you like them and whatnot. Never don't respect them.
*Did I mention that abuse is fucked up?`
*Change. The. Fucking. Light. In. The. Bathroom. Straight. Away. You. Lazy. Fuck.
*Don't hide. Especially from yourself. That's the first person you gotta be truthful to.
You can deserve more but you've gotta work for it. Nothing's ever easy, but it can be worth it in the long run. Every day's a part of a bigger picture and holy shit, this is so fucking sappy I might just move to Canada and open up a maple syrup factory.
Shit sucked, almost died, shit got better, end of story. Do exactly as I don't and it might work out.
Signed
Eddy
P.S. Who the hell is even gonna read this anyway?