description: (AU) The quiet Sumeragi has given up being an onmyouji to be happy with Seishirou. Whatever happiness may mean…But if everything is so 'perfect', why does he have a 16-year-old mentality in a 25-year-old body?
Disclaimer: X and Tokyo Babylon don't belong to me. They're Clamp-sama's.
Destructiveness can create such illusionary beauty. For without building and tearing, the world cannot go on. Change is always needed to make sure progress is made. Or rather, masochists cannot live without pain. Thinking that being able to feel anything is to be so hurt that your soul's core is pricked of its last drop of blood.
That's how he felt as he embraced him.
While he held onto him, his eyes finally opened in shock at the thing he had done. Realizing finally the feelings and emotions that come when dying, even if you were alive. All he could do was look worriedly at the bloody body before him. But even though he should have been worried about the bleeding body before him, he had been entranced by a beautiful, deceiving color.
Before he faded from consciousness, he blinked and saw nothing but green.
Green.
The sign of disgust.
Equally, the sign of hope.
Never question a miracle.
By miyamoto yui
When he had regained consciousness, his vision was hazy. Things were becoming clearer as the seconds went by, but then he put his hand over his bandaged right eye. His eyebrows became knit with curiosity at the whole scenario. When he tried to move and get up, he winced in pain with a loud cry in pain. Ironically, he had called out, "Subaru!"
There were loud stomps from the hallway as Subaru ran into their room. When he came to his lover's bedside, he took a deep breath. His eyes looked relieved as he smiled brightly. "Seishirou-san!"
Holding him tightly in his arms, Subaru cried as he patted the back of his lover's head. "Thank god you're awake…"
His tears soaked Seishirou's black shirt. "I thought you were going to leave me alone. I knew…I knew it was all a mistake."
"Mistake?" Seishirou took Subaru's face into his hands and looked at the multi-colored eyes. Nothing was making sense. He knew it was all wrong…
What was wrong about these eyes? Especially the green one…
What was wrong about waking up to see something so beautiful…?
"Yes, Hokuto-chan said she was leaving, but she said it was to go to you." He smiled as Seishirou's head swam through Subaru's words while being enchanted by his mismatched eyes.
Amber like a vampire, green like emerald…what did this all mean?
"But she left to go on a trip. Grandmother said she went to France to study design." Subaru laughed happily as he pulled himself away from Seishirou and put his hands over his. "We can finally live together. Grandmother gave me this house because she said the apartment would be too small and I didn't want to live in a crowded area. I didn't want to live in Tokyo anymore."
"Finally live together…" Seishirou mumbled to himself while gulping, listlessly holding onto Subaru's hands, not knowing what to think.
Then, at that moment, Seishirou noticed Subaru wasn't wearing his gloves anymore.
Something stung him deeply as he noticed the scar he had embedded in his hands was gone. Where was the pentagram?
What the hell was going on here?!
"Where are your gloves?" Seishirou asked as he brought Subaru's hands up to his face to look at them carefully.
Tilting his head to one side, Subaru laughed as he said, "You said I won the Bet, Seishirou. Don't you remember?"
Seishirou's eyes looked at him in wonder.
There were so many questions to ask. Where were they? Why were they there? Was this a dream or was this a harsh reality that they were avoiding?
He held onto Subaru's cheek after putting one hand down. His eye couldn't stop staring at the striking depth within the eyes of his lover.
"This is reality…" he said to himself. "I can feel you…"
Subaru silently bowed his head forward. "You don't have to leave…we don't ever have to leave this house ever again…"
Seishirou looked at the slightly open door.
It closed when wind came from the balcony door.
Helping Seishirou up, Subaru led him to the balcony to look down at the garden. There were no other houses for miles around their two-story one. It was just them and a garden with a single cherry blossom tree. Seishirou, who tried to ignore the sores throughout his body, held onto the railing to look all around him one more time.
So unreal…
There is no such thing as heaven on earth…
Two contradicting things cannot live at the same time.
One must die so that the other may live.
At that moment, Subaru hugged Seishirou from behind as he laid his head on his back while smelling his scent. Closing his eyes, they stayed like that for a while.
When Subaru finally let go, Seishirou asked, "What are we doing here?"
Subaru stepped back as he folded his hands together. "I won't question a miracle."
At that, he turned around to go back downstairs. But Seishirou didn't want to let go. He caught his wrist gently as his concerned eyes looked confusedly at Subaru. "How old are we? What year is it?"
He held onto the railing and Subaru's wrist with nervousness.
Maybe he was losing his mind after all.
This was a dream. It had to be.
What else could explain the fucked up sense of time?
Subaru's eyebrows almost touched one another as tears came to his eyes. Pained at Seishirou's lack of…
Lack of…
He didn't know how to describe it.
"It's 1991," Subaru simply said as his eyes became a bit conscious of something. He put his hand to his head as he gripped onto Seishirou's sleeve. "It hurts so much…"
Seishirou held him in his arms as he shook his head. "Okay…okay…I won't ask anymore."
A few minutes later, when Subaru was finally able to stand up straight, he tried to pull away from Seishirou, but Seishirou wouldn't let go. His arms continued to hold onto Subaru as if he were the only thing that made sense in this messed up scene. And yet, Subaru was the most complex mystery of them all.
When Subaru told him he should wear his glasses, Seishirou tried to (even with only one eye), but immediately took them off. "I…I don't think I need these anymore…"
Subaru blinked at him, but shook his head. Not question why they didn't fit him as they should have.
Seeing the look at Subaru's disappointed eyes, days later, he took off his bandage and wore the glasses. Seeing clearly in his quirky, misaligned right eye, while seeing blurs with the left one. The one that was 'supposed' to be okay.
--
They got accustomed to living in this house in which there was no one who would visit them, except someone who delivered things from his grandmother in Kyoto. She would sigh every time she put a note to Subaru with a 'Hope you are happy.'
Subaru arranged the house peculiarly to his taste. He arranged everything from the kitchen to the bedroom, but there was nothing else to do. Not that he wanted to do anything else.
"No more shigoto…" he would whistle as he laughed while blinking happily at Seishirou, who would read newspapers and manga that were lying around the house for his perusal. There were no pictures, and weirdly, no mirrors.
As if most of the reflective surfaces had been erased…
Whenever he thought he should know something, his head would ache to no end, so he stopped thinking about stuff like that.
Despite everything, his favorite activity was just watching Subaru cook. He had this thing for seeing Subaru in an apron, and it would make him smirk. Subaru had this sweet way of putting things in a small bowl and giving it to him with a kiss. Otherwise, he wouldn't let Seishirou taste something he cooked.
It came to the point that Subaru would just cook things in his large, long-sleeved white blouse. And that was that. Since there was no one there, who was Subaru to be embarrassed for?
As long as it was Seishirou, why should he be?
He lost that blushing innocence ever since Seishirou had taken him in the garden while sakura were falling to the ground. Even though he was laughing and sneezing, Seishirou was holding onto him, saying to take him seriously. Of course, Subaru couldn't while every place that Seishirou was touching seemed to be very ticklish.
When Subaru finally did take him seriously, he ended shouting as loud as he could while Seishirou had some sadistic pleasure hearing Subaru scream his name in pain.
"As long…as long as you're with me…" Subaru whispered into his ear in his sleep one night.
Seishirou was awake while holding the arms of the naked Subaru. Feeling Subaru's heartbeat through his skin, he closed his eyes.
There was something too perfect…
Something wrong about this…
The doubts in his head kept on turning, no matter how happy he was with Subaru…
--
One morning, as Subaru was holding onto Seishirou's wrists with his open shirt falling on top of Seishirou's chest, the door chime went off. Seishirou sighed as he kissed Subaru's forehead saying, "Wait here just one moment, Tiger."
Subaru laughed as he fell onto the bed. "Aww…how come this happens while _I_ finally wanted to do something my way?"
Seishirou smirked as he put his pants on as Subaru crinkled his nose while waving at him.
Quickly, Seishirou went to answer the door. No one came to visit them…so why now?
As he opened the door with a half-buttoned up polo, he blinked at the visitor. His smile became blank, then he shook his head with a soft smile. He apologized at being rude.
At that, he closed the door with all his strength while the person continued to knock on the door.
When he closed the door of their bedroom, Subaru looked at him strangely. They never did that. And he slowly got up as he saw the distressed expression on Seishirou's face. Seishirou sat on the bed as Subaru looked at him with worried eyes. "What happened?"
"A solicitor," he answered.
"What's wrong with that?" Subaru asked while draping his arms around Seishirou's shoulder blades. The innocent eyes that looked back at him with so much trust…
"Nothing. Nothing at all…"
Drowning in Subaru's eyes, he began to kiss him…
--
That night, Subaru held his arm over Seishirou's bare chest as he slept soundly. The moonlight shone in and Seishirou's eyes were wide open. He looked at Subaru's peaceful face while running his fingers through his hair.
Trying so much to believe in what was here…
What was now…
Tears started to come out of his eyes the more he looked at Subaru. Things were falling into place and he didn't want them to make sense now.
"No…" he whispered to himself painfully. "I like this life. Even if it's false peacefulness…"
Then, the morning's scene came back to him…
When he opened the door, he held his breath back as he saw a dead boy on his porch. He blinked while he felt his whole body become numb.
The boy looked at him familiarly and gasped in disbelief. Tears began to well inside of his eyes. "Fuuma! They said you were dead, but I believed that if I was alive, then you'd be alive too! I looked around and around with only so little information about you! I heard you're with Subaru-"
At the mention of Subaru, he snapped back from his temporary disillusionment. Holding onto the knob, he adjusted his glasses and shook his head with a sigh. "I'm sorry. I'm not the one you're looking for."
"Fuuma…Fuuma! FUUMA!" Kamui shouted as he pounded on the door while he went up the stairs going back to a worried Subaru.
No…
He didn't want things making sense now.
It wasn't 1991…
He wasn't the kind vet with glasses…
Hokuto-chan wasn't in France…
They didn't come from the hospital because his eye was slashed....
Subaru…
Subaru wasn't sixteen-years-old anymore…
His heart ached as he looked at Subaru and at the deception they were living in…
Flashes of the apocalypse were coming back to him while his head throbbed painfully.
But as he winced in pain, he continued to stare at Subaru.
Remembering that the last thing he thought was, "You are the Kamui. You can become anything. You can become anyone…"
And the last thing he saw was green.
Subaru's green eye.
And Subaru had been thinking, "I just want to be at peace. I want to go back to when I was happy…"
At that moment, Subaru opened his eyes worriedly and looked at 'Seishirou'. He asked while holding onto him, "Are you okay?"
Fuuma smiled at him while a sweatdrop fell from one side of his face. Subaru wiped his forehead as Fuuma shook his head. "No, I'm perfectly fine."
Nodding sleepily, Subaru went back to sleep, but held onto him firmly.
"This is the only thing I believe," he said to himself while looking lovingly at Subaru in his arms. "Please don't take that way from me now…"
Even if the one he believed in was insane himself…
But Fuuma couldn't understand if his wish had always been to be someone else and be happy…
…or was this the unspoken, yet truer wish of the Sakurazukamori?
"Seishirou-san…" Subaru mumbled in his sleep to reassure him, "Never question a miracle."
While kissing Subaru's forehead with a comforted smile, he let himself be lost in their reverie. He replied,
"Yes, Subaru-kun."
Owari.
--
Author's note: Yes, I know this is some pretty messed up writing, but this was the single idea that ran through my head while I was falling asleep last night. I think it was because I was crying all over again when I watched X, where Seishirou died. (Doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, but whenever I think of Seishirou dying or the end of Tokyo Babylon, you can guarantee me crying-or at least, trying my best not to. I'm still in denial.)
Two weeks ago, I wrote the weirdest stuff, especially Gravi pairings that were un-canon. ^^;;; Yes, I do understand S x S forever. Hell, I_am_ one of those fangirls. I just have to be flexible or else I'll never be able to challenge myself.
But to tell you the truth, I may say things are hard to write because technically they're hard. I didn't know if I could explain myself well. Except, while making this fic, I was on the verge of crying. All the things that could be. Loving Subaru and Seishirou enough to want some happiness that I almost didn't finish this fic.
* shakes head * Disturbing as it may be, I really, really liked this fic.
Disclaimer: X and Tokyo Babylon don't belong to me. They're Clamp-sama's.
Destructiveness can create such illusionary beauty. For without building and tearing, the world cannot go on. Change is always needed to make sure progress is made. Or rather, masochists cannot live without pain. Thinking that being able to feel anything is to be so hurt that your soul's core is pricked of its last drop of blood.
That's how he felt as he embraced him.
While he held onto him, his eyes finally opened in shock at the thing he had done. Realizing finally the feelings and emotions that come when dying, even if you were alive. All he could do was look worriedly at the bloody body before him. But even though he should have been worried about the bleeding body before him, he had been entranced by a beautiful, deceiving color.
Before he faded from consciousness, he blinked and saw nothing but green.
Green.
The sign of disgust.
Equally, the sign of hope.
Never question a miracle.
By miyamoto yui
When he had regained consciousness, his vision was hazy. Things were becoming clearer as the seconds went by, but then he put his hand over his bandaged right eye. His eyebrows became knit with curiosity at the whole scenario. When he tried to move and get up, he winced in pain with a loud cry in pain. Ironically, he had called out, "Subaru!"
There were loud stomps from the hallway as Subaru ran into their room. When he came to his lover's bedside, he took a deep breath. His eyes looked relieved as he smiled brightly. "Seishirou-san!"
Holding him tightly in his arms, Subaru cried as he patted the back of his lover's head. "Thank god you're awake…"
His tears soaked Seishirou's black shirt. "I thought you were going to leave me alone. I knew…I knew it was all a mistake."
"Mistake?" Seishirou took Subaru's face into his hands and looked at the multi-colored eyes. Nothing was making sense. He knew it was all wrong…
What was wrong about these eyes? Especially the green one…
What was wrong about waking up to see something so beautiful…?
"Yes, Hokuto-chan said she was leaving, but she said it was to go to you." He smiled as Seishirou's head swam through Subaru's words while being enchanted by his mismatched eyes.
Amber like a vampire, green like emerald…what did this all mean?
"But she left to go on a trip. Grandmother said she went to France to study design." Subaru laughed happily as he pulled himself away from Seishirou and put his hands over his. "We can finally live together. Grandmother gave me this house because she said the apartment would be too small and I didn't want to live in a crowded area. I didn't want to live in Tokyo anymore."
"Finally live together…" Seishirou mumbled to himself while gulping, listlessly holding onto Subaru's hands, not knowing what to think.
Then, at that moment, Seishirou noticed Subaru wasn't wearing his gloves anymore.
Something stung him deeply as he noticed the scar he had embedded in his hands was gone. Where was the pentagram?
What the hell was going on here?!
"Where are your gloves?" Seishirou asked as he brought Subaru's hands up to his face to look at them carefully.
Tilting his head to one side, Subaru laughed as he said, "You said I won the Bet, Seishirou. Don't you remember?"
Seishirou's eyes looked at him in wonder.
There were so many questions to ask. Where were they? Why were they there? Was this a dream or was this a harsh reality that they were avoiding?
He held onto Subaru's cheek after putting one hand down. His eye couldn't stop staring at the striking depth within the eyes of his lover.
"This is reality…" he said to himself. "I can feel you…"
Subaru silently bowed his head forward. "You don't have to leave…we don't ever have to leave this house ever again…"
Seishirou looked at the slightly open door.
It closed when wind came from the balcony door.
Helping Seishirou up, Subaru led him to the balcony to look down at the garden. There were no other houses for miles around their two-story one. It was just them and a garden with a single cherry blossom tree. Seishirou, who tried to ignore the sores throughout his body, held onto the railing to look all around him one more time.
So unreal…
There is no such thing as heaven on earth…
Two contradicting things cannot live at the same time.
One must die so that the other may live.
At that moment, Subaru hugged Seishirou from behind as he laid his head on his back while smelling his scent. Closing his eyes, they stayed like that for a while.
When Subaru finally let go, Seishirou asked, "What are we doing here?"
Subaru stepped back as he folded his hands together. "I won't question a miracle."
At that, he turned around to go back downstairs. But Seishirou didn't want to let go. He caught his wrist gently as his concerned eyes looked confusedly at Subaru. "How old are we? What year is it?"
He held onto the railing and Subaru's wrist with nervousness.
Maybe he was losing his mind after all.
This was a dream. It had to be.
What else could explain the fucked up sense of time?
Subaru's eyebrows almost touched one another as tears came to his eyes. Pained at Seishirou's lack of…
Lack of…
He didn't know how to describe it.
"It's 1991," Subaru simply said as his eyes became a bit conscious of something. He put his hand to his head as he gripped onto Seishirou's sleeve. "It hurts so much…"
Seishirou held him in his arms as he shook his head. "Okay…okay…I won't ask anymore."
A few minutes later, when Subaru was finally able to stand up straight, he tried to pull away from Seishirou, but Seishirou wouldn't let go. His arms continued to hold onto Subaru as if he were the only thing that made sense in this messed up scene. And yet, Subaru was the most complex mystery of them all.
When Subaru told him he should wear his glasses, Seishirou tried to (even with only one eye), but immediately took them off. "I…I don't think I need these anymore…"
Subaru blinked at him, but shook his head. Not question why they didn't fit him as they should have.
Seeing the look at Subaru's disappointed eyes, days later, he took off his bandage and wore the glasses. Seeing clearly in his quirky, misaligned right eye, while seeing blurs with the left one. The one that was 'supposed' to be okay.
--
They got accustomed to living in this house in which there was no one who would visit them, except someone who delivered things from his grandmother in Kyoto. She would sigh every time she put a note to Subaru with a 'Hope you are happy.'
Subaru arranged the house peculiarly to his taste. He arranged everything from the kitchen to the bedroom, but there was nothing else to do. Not that he wanted to do anything else.
"No more shigoto…" he would whistle as he laughed while blinking happily at Seishirou, who would read newspapers and manga that were lying around the house for his perusal. There were no pictures, and weirdly, no mirrors.
As if most of the reflective surfaces had been erased…
Whenever he thought he should know something, his head would ache to no end, so he stopped thinking about stuff like that.
Despite everything, his favorite activity was just watching Subaru cook. He had this thing for seeing Subaru in an apron, and it would make him smirk. Subaru had this sweet way of putting things in a small bowl and giving it to him with a kiss. Otherwise, he wouldn't let Seishirou taste something he cooked.
It came to the point that Subaru would just cook things in his large, long-sleeved white blouse. And that was that. Since there was no one there, who was Subaru to be embarrassed for?
As long as it was Seishirou, why should he be?
He lost that blushing innocence ever since Seishirou had taken him in the garden while sakura were falling to the ground. Even though he was laughing and sneezing, Seishirou was holding onto him, saying to take him seriously. Of course, Subaru couldn't while every place that Seishirou was touching seemed to be very ticklish.
When Subaru finally did take him seriously, he ended shouting as loud as he could while Seishirou had some sadistic pleasure hearing Subaru scream his name in pain.
"As long…as long as you're with me…" Subaru whispered into his ear in his sleep one night.
Seishirou was awake while holding the arms of the naked Subaru. Feeling Subaru's heartbeat through his skin, he closed his eyes.
There was something too perfect…
Something wrong about this…
The doubts in his head kept on turning, no matter how happy he was with Subaru…
--
One morning, as Subaru was holding onto Seishirou's wrists with his open shirt falling on top of Seishirou's chest, the door chime went off. Seishirou sighed as he kissed Subaru's forehead saying, "Wait here just one moment, Tiger."
Subaru laughed as he fell onto the bed. "Aww…how come this happens while _I_ finally wanted to do something my way?"
Seishirou smirked as he put his pants on as Subaru crinkled his nose while waving at him.
Quickly, Seishirou went to answer the door. No one came to visit them…so why now?
As he opened the door with a half-buttoned up polo, he blinked at the visitor. His smile became blank, then he shook his head with a soft smile. He apologized at being rude.
At that, he closed the door with all his strength while the person continued to knock on the door.
When he closed the door of their bedroom, Subaru looked at him strangely. They never did that. And he slowly got up as he saw the distressed expression on Seishirou's face. Seishirou sat on the bed as Subaru looked at him with worried eyes. "What happened?"
"A solicitor," he answered.
"What's wrong with that?" Subaru asked while draping his arms around Seishirou's shoulder blades. The innocent eyes that looked back at him with so much trust…
"Nothing. Nothing at all…"
Drowning in Subaru's eyes, he began to kiss him…
--
That night, Subaru held his arm over Seishirou's bare chest as he slept soundly. The moonlight shone in and Seishirou's eyes were wide open. He looked at Subaru's peaceful face while running his fingers through his hair.
Trying so much to believe in what was here…
What was now…
Tears started to come out of his eyes the more he looked at Subaru. Things were falling into place and he didn't want them to make sense now.
"No…" he whispered to himself painfully. "I like this life. Even if it's false peacefulness…"
Then, the morning's scene came back to him…
When he opened the door, he held his breath back as he saw a dead boy on his porch. He blinked while he felt his whole body become numb.
The boy looked at him familiarly and gasped in disbelief. Tears began to well inside of his eyes. "Fuuma! They said you were dead, but I believed that if I was alive, then you'd be alive too! I looked around and around with only so little information about you! I heard you're with Subaru-"
At the mention of Subaru, he snapped back from his temporary disillusionment. Holding onto the knob, he adjusted his glasses and shook his head with a sigh. "I'm sorry. I'm not the one you're looking for."
"Fuuma…Fuuma! FUUMA!" Kamui shouted as he pounded on the door while he went up the stairs going back to a worried Subaru.
No…
He didn't want things making sense now.
It wasn't 1991…
He wasn't the kind vet with glasses…
Hokuto-chan wasn't in France…
They didn't come from the hospital because his eye was slashed....
Subaru…
Subaru wasn't sixteen-years-old anymore…
His heart ached as he looked at Subaru and at the deception they were living in…
Flashes of the apocalypse were coming back to him while his head throbbed painfully.
But as he winced in pain, he continued to stare at Subaru.
Remembering that the last thing he thought was, "You are the Kamui. You can become anything. You can become anyone…"
And the last thing he saw was green.
Subaru's green eye.
And Subaru had been thinking, "I just want to be at peace. I want to go back to when I was happy…"
At that moment, Subaru opened his eyes worriedly and looked at 'Seishirou'. He asked while holding onto him, "Are you okay?"
Fuuma smiled at him while a sweatdrop fell from one side of his face. Subaru wiped his forehead as Fuuma shook his head. "No, I'm perfectly fine."
Nodding sleepily, Subaru went back to sleep, but held onto him firmly.
"This is the only thing I believe," he said to himself while looking lovingly at Subaru in his arms. "Please don't take that way from me now…"
Even if the one he believed in was insane himself…
But Fuuma couldn't understand if his wish had always been to be someone else and be happy…
…or was this the unspoken, yet truer wish of the Sakurazukamori?
"Seishirou-san…" Subaru mumbled in his sleep to reassure him, "Never question a miracle."
While kissing Subaru's forehead with a comforted smile, he let himself be lost in their reverie. He replied,
"Yes, Subaru-kun."
Owari.
--
Author's note: Yes, I know this is some pretty messed up writing, but this was the single idea that ran through my head while I was falling asleep last night. I think it was because I was crying all over again when I watched X, where Seishirou died. (Doesn't matter where I am or what I'm doing, but whenever I think of Seishirou dying or the end of Tokyo Babylon, you can guarantee me crying-or at least, trying my best not to. I'm still in denial.)
Two weeks ago, I wrote the weirdest stuff, especially Gravi pairings that were un-canon. ^^;;; Yes, I do understand S x S forever. Hell, I_am_ one of those fangirls. I just have to be flexible or else I'll never be able to challenge myself.
But to tell you the truth, I may say things are hard to write because technically they're hard. I didn't know if I could explain myself well. Except, while making this fic, I was on the verge of crying. All the things that could be. Loving Subaru and Seishirou enough to want some happiness that I almost didn't finish this fic.
* shakes head * Disturbing as it may be, I really, really liked this fic.