The Burial
Gray was counting on the calm, nice evening in the guild. He didn't expect much – just some casual talk, good beer and maybe some brawl with Natsu later, if he felt like it.
What he didn't expect - and in no means wanted - were Lucy's stupid demands.
„Gray," she said. „You should go outside and talk with Juvia. She has something going on, but she doesn't want to tell me."
„So what, if she doesn't want to tell you?" he asked, sipping his drink lazily. „Maybe it's her private business. Just leave her as she is." Why was Lucy so nosy? Maybe Juvia just wanted to be alone – that was what he always wanted when he had a bad day, and hell if there was anything wrong with it.
„But she's really upset!" Lucy raised her voice. „Maybe she will tell you what is it about. Don't you want to help her?"
„Gah, not really. If she wanted to talk, she would come along, you know she's not shy in that manner, so I don't see the point bothering her - "
„You lazy jerk." Lucy seethed. „Do you have no empathy at all? Go and talk with her! What are you afraid of!"
„I'm not afraid, I'm just not in the mood - " he tried to protest, but Lucy already started to drag him to the exit. „Lucy! Leave me alone! What do you think you - "
„Quiet!" Lucy loomed over him, which gave him a pause. Then, before he could react, she pushed him out of the guild.
„You stupid - " he started, turning back to her, but then he saw Juvia and stopped mid-sentence.
She was sitting on the bench just outside the guild, cradling a little box on her lap. She looked sad – no, devastated was the better word; her eyes seemed red from crying, she was pale and unusually still.
She blinked in surprise when she saw him, but didn't smile to him like usual; nor did she jump on him or got all lit up, like she often did when she spoke to him. There was no real reaction whatsoever.
„Hey," he said cautiously.
„Hey, Gray-sama." she answered simply.
What was he supposed to do now? God, he never knew how to act around upset people. Especially the ones he didn't know all too well.
Especially the ones that, he supposed, were often experiencing some emotional turmoil – or tornado, more likely - connected to him.
„So," he started casually, „What are you doing?"
„Juvia is planning a burial," she said in a calm manner.
He scratched his head. This wasn't good at all. Did she loose someone? He wasn't even sure she had any family, or friends aside their guild.
„A... A burial?" Should he ask whose was it? It was a private thing, so probably he shouldn't.
Juvia's face twitched dangerously and her eyes glistened. „Yes," she sniffed. Just don't cry, don't cry, he prayed.
It didn't help at all and tears soon fell down her cheeks, as she tried to suppress her sobs.
„Hey," he said, moving closer to her and touching her arm as gently as he could. „Don't cry." Really, please don't. Hell if I know how to cope with that. He felt the urge to escape. All he wanted was having his beer in quiet, not this; with this, he was at loss. Maybe he should hug her or something? But he didn't really like hugging people, it just made him uneasy and embarrassed.
And with Juvia, often just being around her made him uneasy and embarrassed; he really didn't need any enhancer to that.
„Maybe I could help you somehow?" He asked, praying she wouldn't ask for anything crazy.
She brushed tears from her eyes and looked at him. „Would you..." she hesitated. „Would you help Juvia conduct the ceremony?"
Were they supposed to arrange the whole thing? Whoa. „Well..." he started. „Sure. Just tell me what to do."
What was he getting himself into?
„It's very nice of you, Gray-sama." She said seriously, then collected herself and stood up, as if some decisive mode clicked in her. „First, we need to find a proper place." She walked past him on the path towards the outskirts of the city.
He went after her obligingly, but couldn't recall any burial-place laying in that area. „Juvia," he said doubtfully. „Cemetery is in the opposite direction."
„Juvia knows," she answered. „We're not going there. We're going to the forest."
How weird, he thought.
But he just followed her through the forest, till she found a meadow she was happy about.
„It should be good," she said, looking around. „What do you think, Gray-sama?"
He thought the forest wasn't a proper place to bury anyone.
„Well," he started. „It's nice and all." The meadow was rather pretty, with many colorful flowers and beautiful oaks. But what did she want to do? Did she really thought she could bury someone here?
She touched the ground in a few places before nodding to herself and putting her little box down. „Here," she announced. „Could you maybe make an ice shovel, Gray-sama?"
Sure he could, but should he? He started to have some suspicions about the reason of all this.
„You want to dig a grave here?" He asked, looking in her eyes.
She simply nodded, and he felt a chill down his spine.
Still fixed on her, he created a shovel, as she wanted. Juvia stood up and came closer to him, reaching for it; but he wasn't going to give it to her.
„Juvia," he said instead. „This is serious. Did you kill someone?"
She took a step back, her eyes growing big. „What?"
„I won't tell anyone." Maybe she got enraged and did something she really shouldn't? He had seen her serious, morbid and angry, and he supposed it was still hiding somewhere beneath the current cheerful façade; Gajeel had obviously seen it too; but others didn't really know the other her. „I promise. It's okay. Did someone cross you?"
„Gray-sama..." She seemed shocked. She must be afraid I'd tell Master, he thought. Maybe she had promised him she would behave after all that nasty stuff between their guilds; maybe she was worried he would throw her out.
Which he might, depending on what she did.
„I bet you didn't have any vile intentions," he assured her. Everyone could lose it from time to time, after all, and he was sure she wouldn't kill anyone harmless. „But if you want to hide it, it would be probably better if we threw the body into the sea, or some lake at least..."
„Gray-sama!" She looked at him, bewildered. „It's really not like that! And please, don't throw bodies into the water..."
Yeah, he should have probably thought she might not like the idea.
„Juvia didn't kill anyone." She said, looking him straight in the eyes. „It's true it was Juvia's fault that someone died... but not her intention."
He nodded slowly, still full of doubts.
„Juvia lost someone dear to her because of her mindlessness."
Just like he had once... He felt a pang in his chest; this feeling of guilt would probably never stop to haunt him.
„Juvia... just didn't think... she went away, she wasn't cautious enough, and then it happened." He... he had went away, and said those painful, awful words, and she had went after him nevertheless, with all the kindness and warmth she had in her heart... and then... why...
„And Juvia... couldn't help it at all. She couldn't do anything." Yes, he couldn't do anything, he had been so full of himself, and yet helplessly weak and stupid and small, and all he had accomplished was getting her killed and leaving this cold, cold hole in him; cold emptiness and guilt he would have to bear forever.
If only she had never found him in the ruins of that damned city, she could still be alive, happy enough with Lyon, somewhere in the little cabin among the endless snow.
„Gray-sama? Are you okay?"
He blinked and saw Juvia standing close to him and looking up with a worried expression.
„Yes." Will I ever be? „Yes." He coughed, forcing himself to come back to present time and space. How ironic. It should be more like her than me to space out like that. „Where do you want this grave?" He needed something to put his mind to.
She showed him, glancing at him cautiously. He started to dig. Down and up it went, the ground was soft, the shovel not the best he used, but good enough. Down and up, down and up, that was something he could focus on.
„Thank you, Gray-sama," she told him after a while. „It'll suffice."
„What are you saying?" he looked at the little hole, perplexed. „Is your... friend... that small?"
She nodded, sniffing, kneeled on the ground and opened the little box for him to see. He sat by her and peeked inside.
It was a little bird, stiff and motionless, one wing wriggled at impossible angle.
„A bird?" All of this just for a bird?
Juvia nodded, her eyes getting flooded by tears.
„Juvia found him a month ago," she said between sobs. „He had an injured wing, so Juvia took him home and cured him, and she took care of him, and he... He and Juvia became friends."
She was so sad just because of a bird...
„But today," she continued, „Juvia went away and left the window open. She didn't think his wing had been good enough so he would try to fly, but he did, and he flew through the window and then his wing gave up, and he..." She sobbed loudly, not trying to suppress it anymore. „He died just because Juvia did such a stupid, careless thing... Because she didn't think enough about him."
It's good enough that he died, and not you. „Juvia..." he started. „Don't cry. It's not your fault, you know."
„It is, Gray-sama... It is Juvia's fault."
„No, it's just... You can't predict everything. Things happen, birds die..." And people too. Was he really saying that? „Circle of life and stuff..."
She started to cry louder. He stared at her, confused.
„No, you know what, I take it back," he said decisively. „It is your fault."
She looked up doubtfully, surprised at his sudden change of mind.
„And you will always feel guilty about it." He said starkly, looking straight forward, at the things that weren't really there. „Always. But this is it, the deed is done. You have to live with it. There's no turning back and nothing you can do."
She went quiet and very still, and they sat like that for the long, long while.
„The only thing you can really do..." he said then, still lost in his thoughts. „Is to make sure it never happens again. Ever. You have to do everything you can so that nobody dies, when you could help it. You have to think twice and thrice, but you have to react as fast as you can, you have to be very careful..." He felt something wet on his cheek and brushed it angrily with his hand. Damn it. It was just a bird, just a bird. Why would he react like that?
„Gray-sama..." she touched his arm gently, her eyes soft and warm. „Juvia is sorry. Very sorry."
He shook his head, irritated at himself. „What are you talking about? It's nothing." he said. „Nothing you should be sorry about." Only me, always only me. „Should we bury him now?"
Juvia nodded, took the bird out of the box and put it gently down in the tiny grave. They pushed the soil back inside the hole and she built a small pile from little stones she found around.
„This is it," he told her, while she looked blankly at their creation.
And this was it, the same for humans and for birds, high and low, east and west, for him and for her.