Baku and the Broken Bed
By: Escachick357
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 9, but I do own this story, Biram, Suzette, and Niles.
It was an unusually hot July afternoon in Lindblum. Children from the streets were running around the streets throwing water at each other to keep cool, machines went off from different parts of the city, and the chirping of birds filled the air. However, there was a louder noise coming from the theater district, in the hideout of the group Tantalus.
"You know what, Biram; you just don't know what the hell you're talking about!" A blonde woman screamed at a bald man in front of her.
"It's not my fault that that you are a sucky thief, Suzette!" the bald man, Biram, shouted.
A third man, a black-haired man standing behind the bald man said, "You both suck at thieves. Makes me wonder why they let you in Tantalus."
The three kept arguing, aware that three people in the same bedroom in the Tantalus hideout were watching them. The three watchers, fifteen-year-old Zidane, seventeen-year-old Blank, and sixteen-year-old Ruby were watching with amused looks on their faces. This fight was better than any of the acting they did on their free time.
"So, who do you think is going to win this fight?" Zidane asked from his seat on one of the beds.
"My money's on Niles." Blank answered from his chair. He was talking about the black-haired man.
"I don't know what yer talkin' about, but I have my earnin's on Suzette. She won the last two fights." Ruby said.
"But you have to give credit to Biram for trying even though he's never won a single fight." Blank added.
The noise from the three fighters suddenly began to quiet. They were all stopping their arguments.
"You guys…they're not fighting anymore." Zidane started.
"The hell they aren't." Blank shouted from his chair. He ripped his head towards the fighters and shouted, "Niles was digging through Suzette's panties this morning." Blank motioned with his eyes and hands for Zidane and Ruby to add onto what he'd said.
"While Suzette threw out Biram's nudie magazines…" Ruby added.
"While Biram rode Niles' hover and wrecked it in the Business District!" Zidane finished.
At the same time, the three "fighters" screamed "WHAT?!" and immediately started fighting again. Ah, free entertainment, what could be sweeter?
The door to the room that Zidane, Blank, and Ruby sat in opened and Baku stood in the doorway, wondering what the noise was. He saw Zidane and Ruby sitting next to each other on the far right side of the bed and Blank sitting on the chair next to the bed, but they weren't doing anything. Instead, the noise came from Biram, Suzette, and Niles. "What are you guys doing?" Baku asked the three that weren't fighting.
"Getting some free entertainment that won't get us in trouble." Zidane, Ruby, and Blank answered at the same time without taking their eyes off the fighters.
It was clear to Baku that he wasn't going to get any other answer than that, but apparently they were having a good time watching the three fighting. Well, nothing to do but join them for a while, so he headed over to the couch where Zidane and Ruby were sitting.
Had Baku been thinking at the moment and not mesmerized by the fighting that was going on, he would have realized that the one bed in the room he chose to sit on, though it was new, was not strong enough to hold more than two hundred and fifty pounds. Altogether, Ruby and Zidane weighed two hundred and eighteen pounds. Baku, unfortunately, weighed more than three hundred pounds but he still sat down on the bed.
The very second Baku sat on the far left side of the bed, his side began to sink while the side Ruby and Zidane sat on raised up in the air. Springs and wood broke and metal bent. Blank started laughing. The sudden breaking of the bed caused Biram, Suzette, and Niles to stop fighting and turn their heads towards the bed. They soon started laughing so hard that tears ran down their cheeks.
Quickly, Baku leapt up from the bed. The second he stood up, Zidane and Ruby's side of the bed descended while Baku's side ascended. It was like the bed became some sort of strange seesaw. Of course that didn't mean that the bed wasn't broken because it really was. The mattress and parts of the bed were completely lopsided. It was actually quite funny for everybody but the owner of the bed to see.
Zidane stared at the bed in shock and shouted, "That was my bed!!"
Baku smiled at him and said, "You should get that fixed."
Almost immediately after that, the door to the bedroom opened again and right in the doorway stood Cinna and Marcus. "What happened?" They both asked.
"The boss sat on my bed and broke it!" Zidane answered angrily.
"…Gotta go." Baku quickly told him before rushing passed Cinna and Marcus and out the bedroom door.
Cinna and Marcus blinked a few times and then began to laugh. They laughed so hard that they actually had problems standing on their own feet without something to hold onto. Ruby, though she was still sitting on the lopsided bed, joined them in their laughing fit.
The only person in the room that wasn't laughing was Zidane. He couldn't really believe what was happening at first. He blinked a couple of times, hoping that when he opened his eyes, his bed would be fine, nobody would be laughing at him, and all he would be doing was sitting next to Ruby egging on the fight between Biram, Suzette, and Niles. When he finally gave up and realized that it was in fact real, he did the only thing he could think of doing. He ran out of the room, passed his laughing friends and after his boss. "That was my bed, you bastard! I'll kick your ass!"
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A/N: Sorry if I wasn't too descriptive of Niles, Suzette, and Biram. I wanted them to be minor characters. I also know that Zidane is not fifteen, but this is to take place before the game (I had to make up Blank and Ruby's ages because I unfortunately do not know them). This story was based on an actual thing that happened to me, my cousin, and his brother. My cousin (who is supposed to be Zidane) and I were on his bed playing Final Fantasy IX while his brother was sitting on another chair. Then my cousin's step-sister, who weighed much more than 300 pounds, came in and sat down on his bed and broke it. Damn, it was funny…or at least everyone but my cousin thought it was funny, so I decided to make it into a story. R/R if you want, but if you have any flames, keep them to yourself. I just made this story up for humor purposes.