Author's Note: All supporting Secret Santas were randomly selected. Gatrie's was not because I'm evil but the RNG goddess blessed me with great combos anyway. Also this is not out of season as it's not technically a Christmas special.
Gatrie's Gift Giving Gaffe
To celebrate the life of Commander Greil, the Greil Mercenaries had taken to giving each other gifts every year on his birthday. A week beforehand, they would draw small scraps with names Soren made from one of Oscar's helmets. Some people, such as Soren, Shinon, and Mist, were pleasantly surprised at who they would be getting gifts for. Others, such as Ike, were not too pleased. Most of them would have been happy enough regardless, but Gatrie in particular was completely stumped.
"Hmm…" he thought solemnly.
"Hey, bud," Shinon said, "You got Soren didn't you?"
"Yep," Gatrie said.
"Good luck," Shinon laughed, "I lucked out. The guy I'm getting a gift for likes all sorts of stupid crap."
"So…" Gatrie said, approaching Soren.
"Can't talk. I need every minute to make this gift completely perfect," he said monotonously while continuing to scramble around.
"Speaking of perfect gifts," Gatrie said, "I wonder what the perfect gift would be for my person…"
"Go ask someone else," Soren said, narrowing his eyes, "I said, I'm busy."
"You never spent this much energy on this before," Gatrie said.
Soren looked around for a second. He turned back to Gatrie and shout-whispered, "I was never assigned Ike before. Now leave me alone."
"Nice," Mist said, surveying Soren's progress, "Do you mind if I steal your ideas? I got Boyd."
"You'll have to dumb it down a bit in that case," Soren said, "But good idea."
"Hmm…" Gatrie contemplated.
Oscar was busy baking something that smelled delicious. Titania hid something large and glinting underneath a tarp. Shinon was standing around, like he was waiting until the last possible moment to go out and get something he already had in mind. Boyd's weapon bag looked a little heavier than usual. Rhys was knitting something in the corner. Mia was holding a suspiciously ornate bag that looked like it was from Melior. Soren and Mist continued to share notes on their surprisingly extravagant gift plans. Rolf was whittling something on his bed. And Ike had hardly been seen since he let out an enormous groan the day of the assignments. Everyone seemed to be making progress except for him and the gifts would be passed out tomorrow.
And now it was time to go to bed and he had made no progress at all. He lay awake thinking about Soren, and how little Soren seemed to like everything, and he had absolutely no idea what to get for him. Gatrie thought about Soren's bad attitude and chronic unhappiness with everyone and decided there was only one thing it could mean.
"Soren needs a girlfriend," he said to himself.
"You say something?" Shinon muttered from across the room.
"Soren needs a girlfriend!" Gatrie shouted, picking Shinon up from his bed.
"Gatrie, I don't think that Soren sw…" Shinon started.
Gatrie interrupted him, "I know that it's a tall order but I think I can pull it off. And it will be the best gift ever. He'll be so… happy!"
"Yeah, he'll be thrilled," Shinon said sarcastically, "Can I go back to sleep now?"
"Oh, fine," Gatrie said.
The next morning, Ike gathered the mercenaries in the briefing room. "Can I go first?" Mist asked.
"Sure," Ike said.
"Here, Boyd, a brand new axe, some new shirts, and a much improved version of my magical meatloaf," she said.
"Aww, thanks!" Boyd said, "C'mere you sweet little minx." They cuddled up close. He let go of her and said, "Alright, where's Mia?"
"Here! Here!" Mia shouted.
"Did someone order a Daniel original Destructoblade?" Boyd asked, presenting Mia with a sword.
"Oh boy! You know just what I like, Boyd!" Mia said, giving him a tight hug. "And have I got something great for your wife!"
"Really?" Mist asked, "What could it be?"
"A new dress!" Mia said, pulling it out.
"Wow, this one's even the same color as Boyd's hair!" Mist said, "So we can match!"
"Alright, there's a loop, so who wants next?" Ike asked.
Soren tried to raise his hand but Titania volunteered with her voice first.
"Alright," Ike said.
"Oscar, I got you some nice new armor," Titania said, pulling it out from under the tarp.
"Oh, thanks, Captain," Oscar said, "I'll be sure to wear it often. Now, where's Rhys?"
"Right here," Rhys said.
"Delicious cranberry muffins for you," Oscar said.
"Oh boy," Rhys said, "I adore your cranberry muffins!" He began to munch on one. He swallowed it and then said, "Rolf, I have a gift for you."
"What is it?" Rolf asked.
"It's a knitted toy horse," Rhys said, handing it over to Rolf.
"It's so cute! It looks just like Coconut," Rolf said, hugging it tightly. "Doesn't it Oscar?"
"I do see the resemblance," Oscar responded.
"And I made something for Titania!" Rolf shouted.
"What?" Titania asked.
"A comb!" Rolf said. "To keep your hair from getting all knotty."
"Thanks, Rolf, I could really use another one of these," she said, noting her old ratty one was breaking.
"Okay," Ike said, "Who wants to go next?"
"I will!" Soren volunteered.
Ike's eyebrows raised. He smiled coyly. "You got me, didn't you?"
"No, I am displaying this level of enthusiasm for one of the others," Soren said, grinning and trying not to blush.
"Oh boy! I am so excited!" Ike said eagerly. "What did you get me?"
"Himself," Shinon coughed. Soren glared.
"Let's see… new clothes, a new sword, a new recipe for Goldoan stew I learned, umm… nothing else to report really," Soren said, "Except that our finances are perfect, our crime rate is down, and we have a perfect reputation in the region west of Melior. And umm…" he continued almost inaudibly, "What Shinon said."
"Best gift ever," Ike said. "I'll have to take you up on that later. But now I unfortunately didn't get as lucky as you. Here's your freaking brave bow, you frustratingly talented jerk." He handed a bow over to Shinon forcibly.
"That explains what you were so upset about," Shinon said, smiling teasingly. "Anyway, Gatrie… I got you a present. I have no idea what it is but it cost me two digit gold so I got it. I hope you like it." He handed Gatrie a bizarre knick-knack of two old people kissing.
"Oh, Shinon!" Gatrie said, overcome with emotion. He hugged Shinon tightly and shouted, "You shouldn't have!"
"Yeah… maybe I should have waited for one digit gifts…" Shinon said.
"Which I guess leaves me," Gatrie said. He gulped. "Soren, I was racking my brain trying to figure out what to get you and…"
"You didn't think of anything?" Soren asked, "That's alright, the fact that I made Ike happy is gift enough for…"
"No," Gatrie said, "I did think of something."
"Really?" Soren asked. He wasn't quipping—he was genuinely surprised.
"Yeah, but I can't give it to you here," Gatrie said, "So I'm taking you to a tavern to the west."
"A tavern," Soren said, "Gatrie, you know I shouldn't have alcohol."
"Well, the alcohol isn't what I want to give you anyway," Gatrie said. "But would it kill you to have one drink?"
"Honestly, it might," he responded, "I don't want to take that risk. What do you want to give me?"
"I'll show you when we get there," Gatrie said.
"Okay, but I need to be home by bedtime. Ike and I have plans," he said.
"Cancel 'em because these will be even better!" Gatrie said.
"I doubt that," Soren said. "We better finish early enough to keep the plans intact."
"Once you see what it's like, you won't doubt it anymore," Gatrie said.
"Fine," Soren said, "I'll humor you. But if I hate it—and I will—we're going right home."
Soren and Gatrie walked out the door.
"Do you know what he's trying to pull?" Ike asked Shinon.
"He's trying to get Soren a girlfriend," Shinon answered.
"You're joking," Ike said flatly.
"Yeah, I wish I was," Shinon answered.
"Holy crap, how dense is he?" Ike asked.
"About twice as dense as Boyd," Shinon responded. "I'm surprised you don't seem jealous."
"Why would I be jealous? This has literally a zero percent chance of working," Ike said.
"No," Shinon said, "Zero would be you. In Soren's case, it's probably closer to negative thirty."
"Fair enough," Ike said, still completely baffled.
At the tavern, Soren said, "Okay, now what?"
"Now, we'll try to get those girls to like you," Gatrie said.
"Why?" Soren asked.
"So that you can go on a date, silly," Gatrie said.
"A date? Gatrie, I'm both taken and…" Soren said.
"Taken?" Gatrie asked, "Since when have you been taken?"
"Well, officially, the war against the Goddess but my heart has been unwavering since 635," Soren said.
"Oh, I get it," Gatrie said, "You were just joking. Good to know."
"Yeah, right," Soren said. "Gatrie, I have no interest in dating women. None."
"But you said you were taken!" Gatrie said.
"Exactly," Soren said. "And my boyfriend and I have plans tonight."
"You have a boyfriend?" Gatrie asked.
"No shit," he responded.
"I knew it!" Gatrie said. "I always did think you were too pretty to be a boy."
"I… what? I am a boy, Gatrie," Soren said.
"But you have a boyfriend?" Gatrie asked.
"Yes," Soren said, "Now can we please go?"
"Soren, you really had me going there," Gatrie said, "You almost convinced me that you were both a guy and dating a guy, but I see the light now. You're just trying to get out of dating women because you're afraid they'll hate you."
"Umm…" Soren said, "Actually I couldn't care less about the opinions of the global population save one. My boyfriend. Can we go now?"
"Nonsense," Gatrie said, "Don't you think she's hot?" He pointed to a woman with huge breasts.
"She looks… like her back hurts," he said. "Can we please go?"
"Oh my," the woman said, approaching them. "Who are you, short, dark, and handsome?"
"Taken and not interested in women," he said, "Nice to meet you."
"No offense but your boyfriend is ogling me," she said.
"Oh, this isn't my boyfriend, he's just a dumb employee who refuses to believe I have one," Soren said.
"I am not dumb," Gatrie said.
"Yeah you are," Soren said. "Can we go now?"
"Soren, what are you so darn impatient about?" Gatrie asked.
"Ike and I have plans," he said. "Very important plans."
"Ike? The Ike?" the woman interrupted.
"And if it is?" Soren asked, raising an eyebrow.
"All the good men, huh," she said.
"Okay, so maybe she wasn't to your liking," Gatrie said, "But I'll find you someone…"
"Gatrie. Listen and listen good. I. Am. Taken. And. Not. Interested. In. Women. Period. Now take me home so I can actually get laid like you seem to want me to," he said.
"Wait… you mean you and Ike have plans to get laid?" Gatrie asked.
"For goddess's sake, yes," Soren said. "I couldn't have been any clearer without vanishing into thin air!"
"Why didn't you say so?" Gatrie asked.
"I did," Soren said, "Several times, in fact."
"Of course I'll take you home," Gatrie said. "If Ike is better at it than I am, then of course I'll let him take care of it. That's the best gift."
"I don't think you actually meant what you just implied," Soren muttered.
"How was it?" Shinon asked Gatrie when he walked in the door, "Did he bluntly tell you he was taken and not interested in women, or did he just stay silent and grumpy the whole time?"
"He told me those things, yes," Gatrie said.
"How many times before he got it?" Ike asked.
"I lost count after four and I still don't think he got it," Soren said.
"Well at least you're home in time for our plans," Ike said.
"Yeah," Soren said. He followed Ike into their bedroom.
"Hmm…" Gatrie said.
"What now?" Shinon asked.
"They're not going to get laid very well with just the two of them in there," Gatrie said.
"I'm sorry," Shinon said, "I gave Boyd way too little credit earlier."