He survived. Well, no he didn't, he died, infested my head and was reborn on some crackpot planet. But, what I'm trying to say is he lives. And I don't think he REMEMBERS. How's that for irony? I, the constanty living one with a blank mind am told to remember for him. So I do, and the most important thing that he needs to remember is lost in the transfer. Fucking hell. Sometimes I think the universe is against me, he doesn't even remember my name. He remembers Jim. JIM. Who cares about Jim? Jim doesn't love him, Jim wasn't the one who carried his katra around! Jim wasn't the one who went in between being him and missing him painfully. Jim is his friend. His best friend. I am his soulmate. I account to nothing. Obviously. He won't even talk to me! I've gone from deepest secrets to general things, such as his experience being 'dead'. Nothing. Just that 'logical' bullshit. I think I'm losing my mind. I must be, this is all some insane dream I'm having. Spock is dead. He always will be, I'm a doctor, I know that people die and stay that way. I've been learning about that for ages. People, or Vulcans, or whatever, are born, and they die, and they stay that way. So why is this dream so vivid? I'll pinch myself. Ow! Okay, I am awake, so Spock is alive, again, and he doesn't remember a thing about Us. I am so terribly screwed. SO terribly, terribly screwed. Of course, when he DOES remember, he's gonna get it from me. He's gonna get it hard and swift. (and shut up, get your mind out of the gutter, honestly!) Why doesn't he know my first name, hell, my nickname? What if he never remembers? What if I just remain 'Dr. McCoy' forever and he never remembers Us. What We shared? I'd lose my mind, more so than I already obviously have. Maybe the whole 'in-love-with-Spock-and-he-loves-me-back-' thing was just a big long, nightly dream? This is getting me nowhere. I have to go talk to him. And he will talk to me. No more of this 'I'm-not-sure-if-you-remeber-so-I'm-just-not-gonna-mention-it' crap. I'm asking him. I have to. He told me to remember.