Unicorns and vampires must have taken the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. This is just an insane idea from my tiny little brain.
Vampires Verses Unicorns
"ARE YOU PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MINDS?" Cyril was heard shouting from the bullpen. "STUPID QUESTION!"
"YEAH IT WAS!" Cheryl was heard shouting back.
"Not again…" Lana was in her office at her computer when she heard the shouting.
"YOU KNOW THE ONLY REASON YOU'RE ON THE UNICORN'S SIDE IS THAT YOU ARE BOTH COMPLETELY HORNY?" Ray was heard shouting.
"SINCE WHEN IS THAT A BAD THING?" Pam snapped. "COUNT HUMP-ULA?"
"I don't freaking believe this," Lana muttered under her breath. Then she went out of her office into the Figgis Agency bullpen. She found her co-workers shouting at each other.
"SHUT UP!" Lana shouted.
"Oh, hey Lana," Cyril said. "Maybe you can…?"
"Noooope!" Lana snapped. "I can't believe you people are having this stupid argument again! I thought we agreed to not talk about this anymore?"
"We agreed to not tell you about it," Pam remarked. "Does that count?"
"I told you idiots ten minutes ago I didn't want to hear this!" Lana snapped. "And what happens? I'm hearing about this!"
"Well then wear earplugs Truck-A-Saurus," Cheryl grumbled.
"I am sick and tired of hearing you idiots go on about this stupid debate!" Lana snapped.
"This is not a stupid debate," Pam snapped. "It is a debate relatively important for our time."
"Really?" Lana asked. "So, you're saying that a vampire verses unicorn fight is important? Are you actually trying to convince me of that? That is just stupid!"
"Exactly!" Krieger nodded. "It's so freaking obvious that the vampire would make the unicorn dinner!"
"Not necessarily!" Pam snapped. "You are forgetting some very key facts about unicorns. Unicorns are creatures of light. Ergo, their bodies have the essence of light in them."
"And as we know," Cheryl added. "Light is harmful to vampires."
"Which means a vampire can't bite a unicorn unless he wants to explode," Pam added.
"Plus, unicorns have horns," Cheryl added. "Perfect for staking vampires!"
"Advantage unicorn," Pam nodded. "Boom!"
"And I'm betting those hooves of theirs are pretty strong too," Cheryl added. "Perfect for smashing in a vampire's skull. Or at the very least breaking his leg."
"Well that goes without saying," Pam nodded.
"So you're saying Dracula, the Prince of Darkness would get beaten by Twilight Sparkle?" Cyril asked.
"Twilight Sparkle would smoke Dracula's ass!" Pam snapped.
"Yeah!" Cheryl agreed. "And she's now an alicorn which means she has wings and can fly too!"
"Twilight Sparkle can fly rings around Dracula!" Pam agreed.
"And she has the rainbow magic!" Cheryl added.
"And what are rainbows made out of?" Pam asked.
"Sunlight," Cheryl replied.
"Boom!" Pam nodded. "You got yourself one cooked vampire."
"Put that vampire on the Barbie!" Cheryl quipped. "He's done!"
"There is no way Dracula could get beaten by Twilight Sparkle," Cyril snapped. "I mean a lesser vampire maybe? I can see that. But no way Dracula would lose to some dumb flying purple horse with a strap on!"
"Dracula would so lose to a unicorn," Cheryl scoffed.
"He's the freaking lord of darkness!" Krieger snapped. "He'd just call his children of the night to take the unicorn down."
"Please!" Pam scoffed. "Unicorns would make mincemeat out of wolves or whatever else Dracula would throw at them."
"Again, rainbows out of the horn!" Cheryl said. "Dracula couldn't go near a unicorn with that kind of power!"
"Well what if Dracula was packing heat?" Ray asked. "I'm pretty sure if Dracula had say an AK-47 or some other gun he'd have the upper hand."
"Why the hell would Dracula use a gun?" Pam asked incredulously.
"To shoot and kill a unicorn!" Krieger snapped.
"That's Dracula's real advantage," Cyril agreed. "Opposable thumbs! Boom!"
"He wouldn't even have to get close," Ray said. "Be like hunting Bambi's mom."
"Boom," Cyril added.
"No, no, no!" Pam snapped. "You can't compare a unicorn to a deer!"
"Why not?" Ray asked. "They both have four legs. Live in the woods. Eat grass and leaves. The only difference between a unicorn and a stag is that a unicorn only has one horn."
"First of all," Pam groaned. "A stag's horns are called antlers!"
"Which are sharp like a horn," Krieger added. "But not as sharp as a bullet."
"They do have a point about the gun thing," Cheryl said to Pam.
"Dracula would not use a freaking gun!" Pam snapped.
"Why not?" Ray asked. "Maybe he's a hunter? How would you know?"
"Hunting was a major part of society in the early days of Dracula's life," Krieger added. "Many nobles partook of the sport. Which means at some point Dracula must have used a bow and arrow or a falcon hunting at some time."
"So why not upgrade to a gun?" Ray asked.
"Because he's Dracula!" Pam snapped. "And the God damn Prince of Darkness doesn't use a gun!"
"How do you think he got to be the Prince of Darkness in the first place?" Cyril snapped. "He sure didn't get it by being stupid!"
"Which is more than what I am for listening to this conversation," Lana groaned. "I can literally hear my brain cells dying."
"Trust me," Cyril said. "Dracula would use a gun if it would win him a fight. No doubt about it!"
"And he would against a unicorn," Ray added. "Because you said so yourself, unicorns are beings of light. There's no way a smart vampire would go near a unicorn without being fully armed."
"Would you go against a tiger or a lion without any weapons?" Krieger asked. "The answer is no, you wouldn't! It would be suicide."
"That's what happened to Calderon," Cheryl nodded.
"Because you opened the God damn cage to let that tiger out!" Pam snapped.
"Oh yeah," Cheryl giggled. "I did."
"The point is," Cyril finished. "Dracula would win in a fight against a unicorn."
"Especially if he had a gun," Ray added.
"Dracula wouldn't use a gun!" Pam snapped. "It would be cheating!"
"All's fair in love and war bitch," Cyril taunted. "And fighting unicorns."
"Boom!" Ray agreed. "We win the debate."
"I know the answer to the debate of sanity verses the Figgis Agency," Lana groaned as she left the room. "It's the Figgis Agency. Every time!"