Play-by-Play: Enchanted
Welcome to the Enchanted Play-by-Play!
This is my commentary while I was watching Enchanted [by Disney]. I don't not own this movie; I just like to make fun at its plot and characters. All thoughts and opinions expressed are of my own and are in no way meant to insult or offend. I do not own these movies and I do not (do not!) claim that I do.
Some mature language. Depends on the day. Also, there are references to many things. You are not insane. If I write something like: Thank you for nothing you useless reptile.
Yes. That's a How To Train your Dragon reference. If I say "THIS IS SPARTA!" Yes, that's a reference, I don't need to say where it's from. Catch my drift?
Without further ado: Spoilers ahoy!
Enjoy!
Ok, I somehow ran into one of the songs from the movie "Enchanted" and I can't help but roll my eyes at the very first song. Here we go, play by play proceeds:
Ok so Giselle is talking to animals right? She's telling them that her Mannequin Prince thing needs lips and all the animals are like: But why?
Giselle: "Because when you meet this someone who was meant for you. Before two can become one there's something you must do."
Then the animals go all like: Oh you tug their tail, feed them seeds and stuff.
Giselle: "No. There is something sweeter, everybody needs." *cue the escalating music*
Me: I god I see where this is going...
FIRST LYRIC: "I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss..."
Me: GODDAMN IT.
SKIP TO ADELE DAZEEM ALREADY. Also, Giselle, how did you find sapphires that f*cking big for your mannequin's eyes, and how did you glue them onto your Mannequin Prince anyway. I didn't see no duck tape or crazy glue.
But the movie is ok, from what I can remember. James Marsden as the Prince in New York was one of the best things I've ever seen.
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Oh Hello there Peter Pettigrew character type! Fancy seeing you in another Disney movie as the Prince's ummm... rather large follower that will probably be hired to ruin said prince or has to find said prince for reasons.
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Ok same song:
Edward: "You're the fairest maid I've ever met
You were made...'
Giselle: "...to finish your duet"
No, Giselle you meant Sandwiches.
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Oh that's one fancy horse you got there Prince Edward. Love the lashes.
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Although I'm not a fan of real deer, I'm a sucker for the animated ones. They so cute I can't handle it.
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The Queen as an old lady looks awfully similar to the old crow from Anastasia's orphanage.
They even walk the same.
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So this kingdom has a well that, if you fall in it, you end up in another freaking world and IT ISN'T EVEN HIDDEN? Like that thing in is broad freaking daylight AND IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A RAIL. You just know some idiot kid fell in it and was never found again.
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Peter Pettigrew: But my evil ass Queen, that I'm probably in love with, where did you send Giselle?
Evil ass Queen: To a place where there are no happily ever afters.
*Cue to New York*
Me : … Yeah our world sucks, I agree. It's good to know that fictional lands know that our world sucks and they should send their unwanted people towards us. It's like we don't have enough already.
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Giselle could have easily have become an evil villain right there. Had she ended up like the wrong side of New York. Like damn.
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Times Square would have much more traffic. She wouldn't be able to get out of the fancy sewer.
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I wonder how many times someone walked on her dress during filming. Also, how is it still white? She came out of a sewer.
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I want that book. "Important women of our time". That seems like a really interesting book to me. It better have Oprah in it.
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Oh we got a badass child over here. Getting out of a stationary taxi.
Oh she's got the karate thing. Badassery confirmed.
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Patrick Dempsey basically plays most of my commentary.
"So is it a habit of yours to fall from stuff?"
Giselle: "lalala True love's kiss"
Him: "Yeah right. Ok."
Update: This movie is making my jokes for me. My job is already half done.
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Goddamn James Marsden. You are freaking amazing.
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By all means Giselle: invite all of the filthy New York animals into their apartment. I'm sure they wouldn't mind at all. I won't even mention the cockroaches. How dare you.
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That pigeon has one leg. I shall name him Hiccup. And he shall be mine. He shall be my Hiccup.
Wellan, don't eat my Hiccup. [Ps: Wellan is my dog. He has a history of bird eating.]
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Hiccup the pigeon ate a cockroach, atta boi! One less in the world.
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IDINA! I'd love to have her as a step mom. She's cool.
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This movie is legitimately a Disney meets real life situation. I can appreciate this so much.
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With all these poison apples showing up it seems to be a horrible idea to give out apples during Halloween. I'd be suspicious as hell if I got an apple with my candy. It's like which twisted bastard wants me to be healthy, it's a plot. A PLOT I TELL YOU!
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That chipmunk deserves an Oscar. Sorry Leo.
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Frozen parallels: They finish each other's duets – but she really meant sandwiches.
Idina Mezel – nuff said.
Robert/Patrick Dempsey: Wait you were going to marry someone after a day?
Random picnic scene in a middle of a song.
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Where did Pettigrew get that Food Stand. He's been in New York for such a small time and he has a food stand.
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Patrick Dempsey/Robert the first Disney character realizing he's in a musical.
And then it was Flynn.
Enchanted - 2007
Tangled - 2010.
Just saying.
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What a horrible day to go on a bike ride. One guy gets a poison corrosive apple to the helmet and then Prince Marsden jumps in front of them, making most fall over. Man, sucks to be a cyclist. (I was about to say in this movie but most people don't like cyclist in real life either.)
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"It appears this odd little box controls the magic mirror." Goddamn it XD
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Pettigrew, why are you so mean towards your fellow rodents.
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Prince Marsden: "Oh magic mirror! Tell me where she is!"
New reporter: "The attack happened at 116th of Broadway"
Prince Marsden: "116th OF BROADWAY!" hugs TV. "Thank you mirror." Kisses TV.
He is so quotable you don't understand.
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Robert Dempsey: "Chipmunks, they don't talk."
Giselle: "Not around here they don't."
Me: I… I used that reply yesterday. But towards ducks. Not chipmunks.
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Giselle: "There's one more thing I want to do before we leave."
Prince Marsden: "What is it my love?"
Giselle: "I'd like to go on a date."
Prince Marsden: *smiles* "A date!" pause. "What's a date?"
Me: "I heard you Prince Marsden. I hear you."
Just to be clear, his name isn't actually Prince Marsden by the way. It's Prince Edward. But to me he is Prince Marsden.
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Prince Marsden is my spirit animal after Ron Stoppable.
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Did she make her shoes out of the curtains too.
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NO! NOT THE COCA COLA SIGN! SHE TRULY IS EVIL! Now I know why it wasn't there when my Mom and I went.
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This movie is actually rather long.
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Of course it's a renaissance ball. (I wanna go. With a dress that I can preferably breathe in.)
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Nope nope nope nope nope nope. Slow dancing. Nope. Stop that. Nope. Skip. I hope there aren't any important plot points in it.
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Ok any apple that you can see your reflection in is automatically a red flag. That shit is not natural!
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That apple works faster than everything we have. Like holy crap. You don't even have to swallow.
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Please turn into a dragon, please turn into a dragon, please turn into a dragon, please turn into a dragon, please do it.
*turns into dragon*
YES! WOOHOO! YOU CAN NEVER GO WRONG WITH A DRAGON! DRACARIS MOTHERFUCKERS!
OMG she kidnaps Robert Dempsey. Dragon win.
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Don't tell me. They're on the Empire State building.
What a shocker.
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Jesus woman. You only throw the sword to someone's sleeve when you know you won't miss! She didn't but if she did… there goes your arm buddy, it's been fun. Your name would have been Hiccup 2.0.
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Wait what happened to the Dragon. I missed it. Meh. She was probably hit by a plane or fell off.
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Well good to know that Idina Menzel and Giselle have the same shoe size. Because that's totally what determines if you're getting married to a prince. Meh. I'll accept it. Now I'm disappointed that they didn't try to break the fourth wall.
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Is that… Julia Roberts narrating? What? Is she the Morgan Freeman of Princess movies now?
*End credits*
Well! Thank you lovely people for reading this play-by-play. Thank you for being bored! Have a great day.