I'M BACK!

Sadly, not with the followup to FaS; it got started, then I kinda lost my mojo... been working mostly on an original-ish story for the moment. so, instead, I give you this oneshot.

More specifically, I give this oneshot to my favourite American-type, Kris (aka HeartwritingM), who's better than any fiction I could have come up with. XxX

To be honest, exactly how this happened is relatively unimportant. Magic. Weird science. Parallel universes. Insanity. Massive hallucination brought on by drinking far too much red bull and trying to write fanfiction…

The point is, it did happen, the unbelievable happened.

It must have been three am or so (ooh, the witching hour, SPOOKY!) and there I was, doing what xbox addicted recluses do on their spare nights when they can't sleep. Down a bottle of wine, a four pack of red bulls and play Saints Row till my thumbs fell off. I know, my life is startling exciting.

Time seemed to sort of slide from one mission into the next… my headphones shut off the rolling sound of thunder from outside and the 'we're totally not having sex' muffled grunts from my room mate's bedroom.

And people wonder why I write fanfiction.

I must have blacked out, fallen asleep, or something. Maybe the house got hit by lightning and fried my brain, though I think they disproved however the hell that works on Mythbbusters.

But when I woke, it wasn't to the old beige couch and muraled walls of my living room...

There was rough gravel against my cheeks, the air cold, the light dim like early morning or late afternoon… one of the two. I shivered, shook, and slowly sat up with confusion.

"The bloody hell…?"

It took a moment for my eyes to adjust; everything was kinda… flat or blurry, like I wasn't wearing my glasses. But no, I still had them on…

I was in what looked like a parking lot. A familiar one… really familiar. I slowly stood and rubbed at my head as panic began settling in.

"How the fuck did I get here…?" I whimpered aloud to myself. I didn't feel hungover… and seriously the last thing I remembered was sitting at home playing a freaking videogame. Wherever the fuck I was didn't look like Goulburn either, not even the dodgy end. There were no green rolling mountains and hills in the background.

It kinda reminded me of Enmore or Newtown. But I knew those places like the back of my hand, I sure as shit wasn't there. Maybe I was somewhere in Sydney…

It was the not-knowing that was freaking me the fuck out. I whined a little to myself, digging in my pockets. I didn't have my bag, I didn't have anything on me.

"Fuck fuck piss ass cunt!" I hissed; swearing always makes me feel a little better. With that I began storming through the lot, till I hit the road.

It was when I saw the El I really began realising it. I had to stop, look around, really look around.

Everyone was driving on the wrong side of the road, for one. A lot of the cars were rusted old 'Bootleggers', the kind of muscle cars you rarely ever get to see in Australia. I knew these buildings, that road leading up to a bridge that met with the train tracks, that old petrol station…

I knew Shivington when I saw it.

"Erhmahgerhd…" I muttered. I couldn't quite believe it at first, or more accurately, couldn't really understand it. So instead, I walked. I walked down the streets I knew, walked 'East' towards what I knew was the red light district. Because once I got there, I could find the Saints HQ and…

"You're really, really in Saints Row," I told myself hoarsely, then snorted with laughter. Had I finally mastered lucid dreaming? If I was this was a fucking awesome way to lucid dream! I'm in fucking Stilwater!

My stomach began doing backflips and I found I was jogging along. Yep, yep there's the Red-Light Rusty's Needles, I killed that green-mohawk guy there. And there's the boardwalk and café where I sprayed all those pimps and hos with sewerage. Good activity that, surprisingly easy.

I looked down an alley; that direction would take me to the Saints HQ. I grinned and bounced on my toes a bit as I thought about actually meeting real Saints. So, I headed down the shortcut through the alley, about to cross the street into the lot out the front of Purgatory-

A car screeched past me and down the road I heard a scream. I wasn't surprised; this was Stilwater after all. I grinned wide again when I saw it was a tussle between a few people in green and two in purple, one girl and one familiar looking guy. Saints versus Samedi! I can see my crew in action!

I edged past the people running away, heart thumping as I closed in. From what I could tell, I didn't have a weapon (or maybe I did, people seemed to pull RPGs outta there asses here but I hadn't quite figured that out yet).

"Mr. Sunshine will TEAR your soul apart!" one of the little Samedi tweakers shouted at the Saint, a female dressed in black bellbottom jeans and a purple camisole, and had long, black hair-

Oh.

Holy.

Shit.

I felt my jaw drop and my heart start racing, a stupid squeal creeping out of me. It was her! The Boss! My Boss! Beating the shit out of some Samedi and, and-

Oh dear god.

Johnny Gat was the homie!

I didn't care if it was a lucid dream or what, this was too fucking fantastic. Who the fuck gets this chance? I could talk, one-on-one to my own creation! And Johnny Gat! Insert ear-piercing fangirl screech here!

I began walking over, trying to think of what I wanted to say. Maybe she'd recognise me? Or I'd have enough purple on me to look like a Saint, and I could go help her on a mission! Like, actually play the game from inside Stilwater!

I walked up behind her, chuckling at how she so brutally stomped on the face of one of the Samedi. I cleared my throat and she glanced over he shoulder at me with those bright blue eyes I mary-sued her with. I smiled brightly.

"Hey, Boss-"

CRACK!

I stumbled backwards as a blinding pain shot right over my face, a hot gush of blood flooding out of my nose and my eyes began swimming with tears till I was blinded. My hands went to my face and I was yelping as the pain spread into my skull.

"Holyshidd, wh'th'fuck-?"

I could barely see through the blood and tears as the Boss' fist flew at me again and cracked me in the throat this time, cutting off my breathing and I dropped to the ground, curling over.

From the corner of my eye, I could see that big black biker boot from under the cuff of her jeans, and a wave of disspaointment washed over me.

I forgot, I thought, The Boss is actually a fucking psychopath…

There was a loud internal crunch and I couldn't breath enough to cry out as she began stomping. A thick pool of blood began spreading from my body and she finally stopped, assuming, I guess, that I was dead.

My vision began blurring to black, and with a whimper, I knew my short in-game life was over. In the background I could hear Gat laughing a familiar line.

"You're fuckin' crazy! And I love it!"