Hi! POV will alternate between Dan and Cas, so if two chapters seem really similar, that's why. This is my first angst-y piece. Yes, my other fic has some dark topics, but this one is really dark and torturous.
This takes place just after Dean's 27th birthday, before John has died. Yes, they're hunters, but in this AU, angels and heaven aren't real. Just the monsters. Cas is human and... well, I'm putting up a warning label. Just to be safe.
Warning: Abuse, sexual abuse, drug use, alcoholism, self-harm, and flashbacks to Wee!chesters and Teen!chestersn (more abuse there...). So, if any of this could be triggering for you, proceed with caution. Nothing too severe in these first few chapters, but there will be some later on, so I'm sticking this up now and at the beginning of every chapter. You have been warned.
The whiskey burned on the way down, chasing away the nightmare and leaving Dean with a numb feeling. Although, that numbness might actually be the morphine kicking in.
He would call his dreams night terrors, but he's never woken Sam, so that term isn't entirely accurate. Besides, they're more memories than dreams. A glance at the clock tells him Sam should be up in an hour or so. Just long enough for the morphine to fade from his system. He hadn't given himself much and had been doing this for long enough to know just how much to use.
His razor sang to him from his bag, but he knows better. Never use something sharp when numb. He's had to stitch himself up several times because of that foolish mistake.
Another swig of alcohol slides down his throat. Dean doesn't feel the burn. Time slips away while he relaxes on the bed, reveling in the forgetting. When the numbness fades, he knows his hour is up and heaves himself off the bed.
Shower, shave, brush teeth, get dressed, put on socks, shoes, gel hair, and settle in at the table to wait for Sam. Dean doesn't go to get coffee. He can't leave Sam. That's rule number one: protect Sammy. How can he protect Sam if he isn't with him?
Finally- finally, just when Dean is about to cave to the siren call of his razor, Sam's eyes flutter.
"Mornin', Sleeping Beauty." Sam glares and Dean lets out the laugh he knows his brother expects. Sam just strides to the bathroom, bitchface never slipping. As soon as the door closes, Dean lets the fake happiness fall away. Sam can never find out. This would destroy him and then Dean would have failed two rules: be a good little soldier and protect Sammy. Good soldiers show no weakness. Hurting Sam, even emotionally, means Dean failed to protect him.
So Dean sticks a Busty Asian Beauties magazine on the table next to him, leans back, and waits. There's a jiggle of the doorknob a while later and his hands close around the magazine, face forming an expression of interest and contentment.
"All set, Sammy?"
"Coffee," his little brother grunts. Dean hops up, acting exuberant, and leading the way across the street to the diner.
"Hello, I'm Cas, and I'll be your server today," a cute, black-haired, blue-eyed man says. He looks only slightly younger than Dean's 27. The man- Cas- smiles politely at them, but Dean notices how his eyes skim his form for just a moment too long to just be friendly. "Here's your menus and I'll be back in a moment with some water." He hurries off and Dean's eyes catch on his cute, round butt. How can this guy make Dean Winchester think the word 'cute' twice in under a minute?
"Dude, you're staring." Sam gives him a bewildered look. "I know you like picking up our servers, but man, you don't have to pick them all up." And just like that, Dean knows Sam would never approve. Being bisexual is just another one of his failures.
"I wouldn't." Dean rolls his eyes. "Coffee?" He searches the menu for something his brother would anticipate him ordering. Truthfully, he doesn't much feel like eating, but he has to. Why did I have to eat so much when I was younger? If he hadn't eaten like a pig before Sam left for college, he wouldn't have to stuff himself now, even when he feels like a single drop of water could make him vomit.
Cas reappears at the end of their table, dimples standing out on his cheeks as he says, with a smile, "Alright, here's your water. Is there something I can get you started with?" Sam meets Dean's eyes and a moment of silent communication passes.
"Actually, we're ready to order. I'll have a cup of coffee, black, and the vegetarian omelet," Sam orders.
"I'd also like a coffee black and I'll have your pig in a poke with sausage for the side." A little twitch of Cas' lips tells Dean he approves of his order.
"That should be out for you in a bit. I'll be right back with your coffees." The man slips away and this time, Dean watches him more covertly, making sure Sam thinks he's watching the female server. While she is pretty, Cas is much more captivating. True to his word, he puts in their order and immediately pours their coffee to the brim, carrying it over without spilling a drop. Dean doubts he could even get the cup to his lips without spilling. "Here you go. I've just put in your orders, so it'll be a minute before their up. Just flag me down if you need anything."
"Great, thanks," Dean smiles, turning up the wattage to the degree that every woman falls for. And, as he expected, Cas blushes slightly before practically running away.
"You wouldn't do that, huh?" Sam raises his eyebrows.
"What?" Maybe playing innocent here is the best plan. He's got to be more careful, but playing with Cas was fun. That little blush, shy smile, and glance towards the ground was far more captivating than anything he'd seen in a long while. He's far too good for the likes of me. I could never have a relationship with him. He'd realize too quick that I'm no good for him. And he definitely isn't the type for a one night stand. These little moments are all I'll get.
When Cas next steps out, carrying their food, he looks different. Upset, frustrated, and exhausted all register to Dean. He manages to fake a smile, one Sam believed, as he sets their food down, but Dean can see right through it. It doesn't crinkle the corners of his eyes quite as much as his real smile and his dimples barely show.
"Hey, is something wrong?"
"No, why do you ask?" His voice sounds false to Dean's ears and Sam is looking at Dean like he's lost his mind.
"Something's off about you. What changed in the last ten minutes? And why do you look like you might collapse."
"Dean, leave the poor guy alone," Sam hisses, but Cas looks grateful he has someone to spill to.
"Another one of my servers just called off. I own this place, so when they can't get a cover and choose not to come in, I take their shift. I'm going on my thirteenth hour of serving." Sam's eyes go wide. How did Dean know that? Dean looks up at Cas with concern.
"What time does this shift end?"
''About ten more minutes, why?"
"Well, give me ten minutes to eat, and then I'll take your server's place."
"I can't ask you to do that."
"You're not asking, I'm offering. If you don't take me up on it, I'll do it anyway. Just ask Sam." His brother rolls his eyes, but it's true. Dean's stubborn that way, although he's never done something like this for a complete stranger.
"You might as well agree, Cas. He's stubborn as a mule." Cas sighs.
"If you're certain."
"I'm positive."
"Thanks."
"It's no problem. We weren't going to be doing much today anyway." And just like that, Dean has a chance to flirt with the first guy to catch his attention in a long time without Sam staring. But now I have to leave Sam alone…