Don't Know If I Can Say The Words
Kenny was dying. Again.
But this looked to be the last time.
He wasn't going to come back.
He'd be gone forever.
The steady beeping of the heart monitor and the gentle rise and fall of his chest were the only things telling me he was still alive. His face was the same colour as the hospital sheet he lay under and his eyes were closed. The tests hadn't come back yet, so no one knew why he had just started coughing up blood and then lost consciousness.
That was yesterday morning. He still hasn't woken up yet.
I'm scared.
It's late and Kyle and Cartman went home hours ago.
The doctors and nurses keep telling me I have to leave.
I'm not leaving until Kenny wakes up.
Scratch that. I'm not leaving until Kenny does.
It was nearly 1am before anything happened.
The heart monitor went spastic.
Doctors and nurses rushed into the room to see what was going on and the room was so full of people I had to stand out in the corridor to breath properly.
I slid down the wall and sat on the floor
I felt tears in my eyes and I buried my face in my knees.
"Are you okay mister?" A little voice said.
I looked up and saw a little girl – probably only 3 or 4 years old – standing in front of me.
"Yeah, I'm okay." I managed a weak smile.
"But you're crying."
"Yeah, I am." I wiped the tears away.
"Why are you crying?"
"My friend is in there." I pointed to the door to Kenny's room.
"Is he going to be okay?"
"I dunno kid."
She hugged me and walked away down the corridor.
Not too soon after, the doctors and nurses started filing out of the room. Kenny's doctor was the last one to come out. I stood up as he walked over to me.
"Your friends' condition is stable." He said.
"Is he awake?" I asked.
"Not yet." He clapped a hand on my shoulder and walked away.
I took a deep breath and walked back into the room.
The machine was once again beeping steadily but Kenny was paler then before.
The boy I love is probably dying and I never got the chance to tell him how I feel.
I sat down in the plastic chair next to Kenny's bed, brought my knees up to my chest and rested my chin on top of them. I kept my eyes focused on Kenny, watching him for any sign of movement.
I watched him as the time slowly ticked by. Kyle tried calling me 4 times but I ignored it and after the 5th time, I switched my phone off. Right now I only had eyes for Kenny.
Several times his fingers twitched and I thought he was waking up but then he'd be motionless again.
At 8:00 the next morning Kyle came in.
"You look like hell dude; you need to sleep." He said.
"Not until Kenny wakes up." I said.
My voice was dry and crackly from lack of use.
"Stan, I think…I think you need to say goodbye.
"No! He's not gonna die Ky. He's not! He's going to be okay. I just know he is." I was crying again.
"Dude, look at yourself. Go home, shower, get some sleep and then come back. The docs will ring you if he wakes up."
"I'll use the shower in Kenny's bathroom and I'll sleep here. I don't need to go home Kyle!" I stood to face him.
"Stan, you're just upset because…"
"Yeah, I am upset Kyle."
"Dammit Stan, listen to me! You're just upset because Wendy dumped you again!"
Were me and Kyle really fighting about this?
"Is that what you think happened? You think she dumped me? No Kyle, she didn't. I dumped her because I'm in love with Kenny!" I was nearly yelling.
"Do you really mean that Stan?" a weak voice sounded behind me.
I turned around and saw Kenny lying on his side with his blue eyes open.
I knelt down beside the bed and took one of his hands in my own.
"Yes. I love you Kenny." I felt tears in my eyes again.
"Don't cry Stan. I love you too." He tried to smile but it seemed to pain him, so he stopped and just stared at me.
I could look into those blue eyes forever.
Someone behind me coughed and I turned and saw the doctor standing next to Kyle.
"We have the test results back," he said, holding up a clipboard. "There was a slight tear in his lungs that caused internal bleeding. We'll have to keep Mr. McCormick here for a few more days while we run some more tests."
After he was done talking, he just left.
"Are you going to go home and shower and sleep now Stan?" Kyle asked, not looking at me.
"Nope. I'm going to do both right here. I told you, I'm not leaving until Kenny does."
Kyle just rolled his eyes at me and left.
"I'm going to go shower. Don't go anywhere." I said to Kenny, kissing his forehead.
"I couldn't if I wanted to." He lifted the hand that was attached to the IV and smiled.
I pulled my back pack out from under the chair and went into the bathroom to shower.
When I was done, I went back into Kenny's room and tossed my bag back under the chair and sat down.
"Kyle's right, you need to sleep." Kenny said.
"Then I'll sleep here. Wake me up if anything's wrong."
I leaned back in the chair and closed my eyes.
"Stan open your eyes." Kenny said, and I opened them. "That chair's no good for your back. Come here."
He patted the spot in the bed next to him and I slid in beside him.
He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and I put my head on his chest.
"Go to sleep baby, I'll still be here when you wake up, promise. I love you." He whispered into my hair.
"I love you too Kenny." I said and closed my eyes.