A/N: Another one-shot with Hush Little Baby as an inspiration. It is AU, set around S5. I hope you enjoy it and reviews are greatly appreciated. I apologise for the horrible author's note. This is a very sensitive topic but I want to spread the awareness. My aunt miscarried, not stillbirth but I still want people to understand that such things are inevitable. I am sorry.
Warning: Tragedyt at the end.
Hush Little Baby
One line: Negative
Two lines: Positive.
Kate Beckett chanted in her mind as she stared at the stick, waiting for something to form.
She had no idea what she wanted the pregnancy test to reflect. Was she hoping that it was positive, that she was indeed pregnant? Or was she hoping that it was negative and it was all just a false alarm?
Her relationship with Castle was so new, tender. She had no idea where it was heading, if it was all just fun and games, in love with the dance, an illusion of love.
If she were pregnant, what would Castle think? Did he want another child? Will he accept her? Or will everything just fall apart?
And his family. Alexis. What would Alexis feel? Kate had exposed her father to countless dangerous situations. She could hardly think about the fear the young adult faced, wondering if her father would be alive,
The alarm she had set on her phone started ringing. She took in a deep breath. This was it then.
She looked at the screen.
Two lines.
Positive.
Pregnant.
She was pregnant.
Fear sunk into her heart.
How was she going to tell Castle?
...
Kate had sounded weird over the phone. Clipped, nervous, cold.
It sounded like bad news.
Bad news and Kate?
It sent a shiver down his spine.
She wanted out didn't she? She was going to leave him, like the rest.
She had figured out that he wasn't the one for her. She had figured out that he was not deserving of someone like her.
He closed his eyes, fear pulsating through is veins.
He was never this scared, this frightened. He loved her way too much to let her go.
He needed her.
But she did not need him.
….
She appeared at his door, her hair dripping wet and her blouse soaked. Her brown eyes gazed into his, burning, haunting. Her lips parted slightly, words stuck in her throat.
"Beckett?" he managed to croak out, after a long beat.
"I'm pregnant," the words rushed out of her.
She was pregnant?
Her words swirled in his mind. She… She was pregnant?
"You're pregnant?" he repeated, dazed, still not truly processing her words.
"Yes." A soft whisper, terrified but strong.
Another long pause that sent chills down her spine.
Was he-
His lips crushed down onto hers and he gripped her waist, pulling her against him.
He was warm, his lips hot and fervent against her cold lips. She could hear her heart pounding against her chest as he bit her lower lip, eliciting a moan. She responded to his kisses, moulding herself against his body. He was passionate, demanding, dominant. And she loved this side of him.
They were breathless, Kate finding herself pushed against the wall. They broke apart, looking into each other's eyes, brown and blue, dark and light. They could see the love that overflowed, that filled them up.
"You're pregnant," he breathed, a grin forming on his face. Those were the only words that he could articulate.
She couldn't help but the smile back from both happiness and relief.
Their foreheads touched, the biggest grins on their faces.
"You're pregnant."
"I'm pregnant."
….
Hush little baby don't say a word/Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird
8 weeks
A wave of nausea smacked her in the face. She could feel the contents of her stomach rising up her throat, ready to spew out any moment. She clamped her hand over her mouth and made a mad dash to the washroom.
She could vaguely see Castle racing after her, looking like a lost puppy outside the door. She could not bother to think as she emptied her stomach into the toilet, chocking back on the rancid taste that filled her mouth.
She felt someone tentatively drawing circles on her back.
She shut her eyes, trying not to gag once more.
"Kate?" he was careful, scared.
"I'm fine Castle. I'm just carrying your baby," she huffed, pulling her hair back.
His expression was a cross between a grimace and a grin that made Beckett smile a little.
She rinsed her mouth, trying to get rid of the horrid aftertaste of puke.
"Come on Castle, the body is waiting," she recovered and said, raising her eyebrow at the helpless man.
It was strange how he was a lot more flustered then she was. He was the one with experience, not her. He knew about morning sickness and the woes a pregnant woman would go through. Didn't he have to deal with Meredith's pregnancy too?
Kate's thoughts began to drift and she wished she had someone to talk to about her pregnancy, a fellow woman who could guide her along. She wished her mother was still alive and she could-
No, her mother was dead. No matter how much she wished, Johanna Beckett was never coming back. Didn't she know that already?
She hated this, this sudden waves of emotions that never seem to die down, hitting her at the strangest moments. She became so much more sensitive, a lot more emotional than usual and it was messing with her head.
She forced all the thoughts out of her mind. She had to focus on the case.
"What have we got here?" she asked.
Lanie raised her eyebrows, a questioning look flickering over her face, long enough for Kate to notice before putting on her professional mask.
"Woman, mid thirties with multiple stabs to her back."
…..
Castle was jumpy.
Yes, he had a child before but it was different. Meredith had barely exhibited any form of morning sickness. All she did was complain about the queasiness and how her stomach was expanding (although she was barely three months pregnant and it barely showed at that time).
This time, Kate had severe morning sickness that never seemed to leave her alone. He was worried. The doctor had said it was perfectly normal but how could emptying her stomach and dry heaving every hour be normal?
He wished he could do something, anything, to make her life easier. He wished he was the one with the morning sickness, or at least able to carry some of that burden on himself.
It wasn't fair that the mother was the one who has to suffer through the pregnancy. The father should also be the one suffering too.
Castle was determined to do anything in his power to make Kate comfortable. And thus he went on a shopping spree, getting the best mattress he could find and all the supplements that helped with the pregnancy.
He just had to convince Kate to move in with him. Permanently. And get married. Why couldn't she just accept his proposal? Pregnant women were weird.
"Castle," he heard her hiss, jolting him out from his inner ramblings once again.
"What have you done?" she was positively seething, her eyes on fire.
What had he done?
Oh. Her new room. He had gone behind her back and changed her mattress, restocked her fridge, installed new security system…
He managed to give her a sheepish smile.
Her eyes narrowed onto him.
"Apples! Apples!" he gasped as her fingers found his ears, twisting them painfully.
"Do not do that again," she huffed and let his ears go, "I won't be needing them anyway."
Wait. What?
She was-?
"Now I have to move everything to your place," she stated and sauntered off with a sigh.
A grin broke across his face.
Pregnant women were really weird.
…
Kate could never forget the smile on her father's face when she announced her pregnancy. For the first time in fifteen years, there was inexplicable joy written across his face. For the first time in fifteen years, light had finally settled in his once dull eyes.
"I'm proud of you Kate," he whispered, tears in his eyes as he took his daughter hands in his.
Kate could not help but to cry as she grinned.
….
Martha was overjoyed. She knew that this time, the pregnancy was different. Katherine was right for her son. She wasn't Meredith, who was a bird who belonged in the sky. She was Kate Beckett, a fighter, a tigress willing to stay behind to protect her family. The tigress and the Emperor penguin. Richard and Katherine was an interesting pair.
Martha's fingers traced the outlines of the earrings in the red velvet box. It was time to give it away.
….
Alexis did not know what to think, or feel.
Detective Beckett was pregnant with her father's child. She was carrying her half-sibling.
The relationship between her and the detective wasn't the same anymore. It was no longer the tentative friendship that blossomed a few years ago, not since the times her father had danced with death, not since the time Detective Beckett had disappeared during the summer.
She had to endure living in constant fear that her father might lose his life every single time he rushes off pretending to be a detective.
She had to watch the light seep out from his eyes when Detective Beckett left.
She had to see her father become broken, time and time again.
Now Detective Beckett was here and pregnant and everything would be alright again?
But then, her father was truly happy with Beckett. She could see it clearly and that made her happy.
Besides, Alexis had to admit that she admired Beckett a lot. She still admired her.
They were going to be a family and it didn't seem so bad after all.
It seemed to be a good idea.
…
Castle could not believe his eyes. There was the woman he loved, standing before him, in an oversized sweater, pregnant with his child, glaring at him with daggers in her eyes. It felt like a dream come true. Maybe not the glaring with daggers part.
"What do you mean by no coffee," she grumbled, her eyes piercing through his skull.
"Caffeine is bad for the baby," he reasoned with a smile.
"No coffee is bad for me," she retorted. "Just a cup?" she asked, almost pleading/
"No."
"Castle!"
"No."
"I should have continued staying at my place."
"Too bad almost all of your things are already here. You are trapped. Forever," he smirked.
Her eyes narrowed. "Decaf?" she pleaded, giving him the puppy eyes that she knew would work on him.
"Fine. Decaf."
He pulled her close, his right palm resting on her stomach.
"So how's my baby boy?" he mumbled, nuzzling her hair.
She snorted. "Baby boy? It's a she, Castle."
"Mmm hmm. A baby boy called Cosmo."
"Oh no Castle. I've got a feeling it's a girl."
"Wanna bet?"
"Deal."
I promise that you will be the happiest baby, for you have a mother and a father who love you so.
…
And if that mockingbird won't sing, Papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring
12 weeks
The gel was cold on her warm stomach, jolting her senses. The midwife smiled at her, placed the probe on her stomach and the screen came to life. As the probe shifted, the image of the fetus became clearer. She could make out the head, the body and was that the feet?
"Castle, look, it's our baby," she breathed in amazement, watching it turn and twist on the screen. It felt so surreal. She could really see her baby, even though she couldn't really feel it. All those vomiting, all those aches, all those cramps, they were worth it.
His fingers held onto hers as they stared at the screen, entranced by their baby. Castle could not find the words to describe how he felt. It was, actually, the first time he was part of the ultrasound process. Meredith had did it all without him but Kate… Not only did she include him in, she had also included his daughter.
"Alexis, it's your little sibling," Kate whispered again, taking the young adult's hand. Alexis smiled, squeezing Kate's fingers in response.
"Would you like to hear the heartbeat?"
"Yes please," Castle managed to find his voice once more.
There was a woosh and the steady heartbeat of the fetus filled the room, echoing.
It was real. The baby was real. The baby was alive, moving, living, growing.
Castle fumbled for his phone, recording the sound that echoed in his mind.
It was beautiful. He never imagined that he would hear such a magical sound, a sound, a music, that made him feel alive, that made him feel like he was burning.
He was here, with Kate, with his daughter and his unborn child. He was with his family and he could never be happier.
…..
They told Gates, Ryan, Esposito and Lanie. They were already suspicious of Kate's morning sickness for a long time. The excuses they had used lost their effectiveness after three days. After all, she was in the company of three detectives and a medical examiner. Their jobs were to detect.
Besides, Kate's stomach was growing day by day. She wasn't that big yet but the tiny bulge was still visible and obvious.
Lanie had squealed and hugged Kate with all her might while being careful of her stomach. She looked a lot more excited than the sleep deprived Kate, whose morning sickness had kicked in once more after one week of false passing.
"You will be a wonderful mother, girl!" Lanie had exclaimed with the biggest smile.
Esposito was excited. Beckett was happy and that was all that mattered. Ever since Castle had stepped into her life, she had become a lot happier, a lot lighter. She was now glowing, positively radiant despite her evident lack of sleep. He was glad for her and her future.
Ryan was elated for Beckett and Castle. He never expected that Beckett would be the first to start a family among them. He was proud of Beckett and he hoped that soon, he would have a baby to keep Beckett's child company. Maybe. Soon.
Captain Gates was delighted for subordinate, although she was definitely concerned for her safety. This job was stressful and dangerous for a perfectly healthy being, much less a pregnant lady. She contemplated transferring Beckett to a desk job but she knew that the detective would never agree to it. She trusted that Beckett would and could take care of herself. Maybe she could help keep an extra eye on her too. Make sure she doesn't do something stupid or reckless. Like continue wearing four inch stilettos whilst chasing down suspects.
...
Kate felt overwhelmed by all the gifts that showered their apartment after their announcement. She was only three months pregnant and everyone around him or her already spoilt her child.
Bags of gender neutral baby clothing littered the room that was meant to be the nursery. Kate still did not understand why clothes had a gender. So what if A baby girl wears blue? Or a baby boy wears pink? They were just colours.
There was another spot filled with toys, most of them plushies. Alexis had made an elephant rag doll that had a lopsided grin and stitches that said, "I love you". It had made Kate tear up and crush the blushing redhead in a bone-breaking hug.
It was amazing how the baby was so loved even before it was born. It was amazing how everyone was looking forward to its arrival. It was amazing how barely three months ago she was terrified. It was amazing how fifteen years ago, she never thought that she could be this happy again. It was amazing how full she felt. She wasn't lonely anymore.
I promise you that you will never feel lonely for people who love you no matter what surround you.
...
And if that diamond ring turns to brass, Papa's gonna buy you a looking glass
16 weeks
Kate was hungry. She needed to eat. Or rather, she needed to eat one graham cracker, six marshmallows on top of a chocolate bar in an omelette. Oddly specific but that was what her body was screaming at her right now.
She needed to eat it badly.
Now that she thought of it, the recipe sounded familiar…
"Castle!" she hissed, shaking the sleeping author next to her.
"Five more minutes," he mumbled in his sleep.
"Your baby's hungry." She shook him a lot more violently now.
Castle cracked open an eye and peered at the digital clock next to their bed. It was only three a.m.
"Before sunrise, it's your baby," he murmured and fell back to sleep.
"Don't you dare quote Lion King," she huffed and got off the bed.
"Where are you going?" Castle forced himself up into a sitting position.
"Feeding your child," she shrugged nonchalantly, her voice carrying a sinister undertone.
Castle scampered up, sleep fully chased away from his mind. Stupid sleepy brain making him obtuse.
"At your service, your majesty," he caught up with her and gave her a lavish bow. "What would you like to eat?" He took her right hand and kissed it.
Kate bit her lower lip with amusement. No. She would not forgive him that easily, even if he hadn't done anything wrong. Not really.
But her cravings… It was embarrassing, what she yearned to eat. A freaking smorlette. She remembered being hugely disgusted by it. Then again, her child had a weird appetite. He/She had stopped her from eating her favourite Chinese and Japanese. It wasn't fair.
"Smorlette," she murmured, her cheeks tinted pink.
His eyes sparkled. Literally. She could see the stars in them shining and dancing with glee. Urgh.
He was so adorable.
"Right away your majesty!" he half shouted, pulling out a chair for her.
She groaned and buried her face in her hands. She'd rather him fall back to sleep and leave her to her cravings. A smorlette. Why a smorlette? Why baby? Why?
She peeked at him as he prepared her meal. He was bursting with excitement, no longer tired. His face was scrunched up in concentration as he made his infamous smorelette, the very food that had turned Alexis and Martha off with disgust.
He looked so cute. She melted a little inside.
"There you go. I hope I didn't keep you waiting for long, Your Majesty. The little one must be starving right now," he grinned and stroked her stomach.
Her mouth watered at the sight and smell of the food in front of her. She closed her eyes and took a bite.
Oh god. She moaned, the sweetness in her mouth filling her up. It was the best food she had ever eaten in her entire life. S'mores and omelette? Genius! How could she hate that?
Best. Food. Ever.
She must make Alexis try it.
Castle's face looked like it was going to be split into two, happiness and pride overflowing. He knew that smorlette was delicious. It was everyone's loss.
And looking at Kate eating his creation with such bliss on her face… It was another dream come true. He finally felt useful. The pregnancy was hard on Beckett and yet all he could do was stand there. Now, now he had a new job. He could help Beckett satisfy all of her cravings.
He took a Kleenex and gently wiped the chocolate stain at the sides of her lips. He would have licked it clean but he figured that she wouldn't appreciate it. He had learnt the hard way that you wouldn't want to piss a cop off, especially when she's pregnant.
"More?" she asked, having cleaned her plate within minutes.
His grin scared her.
…
"We are not going to name our child Cosmo if it's a he," Kate Beckett glared at the pouting man.
"We are not getting married!" he mimicked her voice. "Look at the ring on your finger and tell me that we are not married."
Her eyes narrowed down on his. "That is not related to the fact that you want to name our child Cosmo."
"What is wrong with Cosmo?"
"What is not wrong with Cosmo?"
"It's unique and cool!" he insisted.
"Really Castle? Really?"
"But Benedict and David are boring names."
"Ok fine!" Kate huffed and leafed through a book filled with names. "Ignatius. Apparently, it means fiery."
"It sounds pretentious. Eeeeg Naaaaay shers." Castle made a face.
"Augustus? Adopted son of Julius?"
"Mmmm…" he hummed, not quite convinced.
"Balthazar?" she wrinkled her nose, hoping that he would not like it.
"Oooh. I like that. Balthazar," he said. Kate balked. "On the second thought he is the name of this massive slimy green blob from Buffy… Maybe not."
Kate thanked Buffy in her heart.
"Why don't we go for conventional? Sebastian? Jefferson? No? D… Darcy?"
"I know! Odysseus," he announced proudly.
"I'm not naming our son after some character in Greek mythology. Okay. You know what? We should decide on a female name first."
She flipped to the female part of the book and her eyes landed on a single name.
"Eva," both of them said at the same time.
They looked at each other, smiles on their face.
"Eva. Life in Russian," she breathed out.
"Looks like we found a name for our daughter." His face neared hers, barely inches apart.
"Looks like we found it."
Brown and blue fused into one as their lips touched.
I promise that I will try not to embarrass you too much. Your mother would probably kill me. Or we will both embarrass you.
…
And if that looking glass gets broke, Papa's gonna buy you a billy goat
20 weeks
"So do you want to know your child's gender?" the midwife asked.
"Yes!"
"No!"
The three of them shouted at once.
"Kate, I don't want to know the gender of the baby. I want it to be a surprise," Castle said, looking at his wife. Wife. He could never stop thinking about that. She was his wife.
"Well, I want to know my child's gender. It's nice to know what to call it you know? To call it a she or a he instead of a… it," Kate cringed. She took a look at Castle's pleading face and relented. "Fine. We ask Alexis."
"Alexis, would you like to know your sibling's gender? Imagine keeping it a secret till birth. It is one of the few true surprises left in the world. Think about it, Alexis," his eyes grew bigger as he tried to convince Alexis.
Kate rolled her eyes. Kudos to Castle for trying to win over Alexis.
"Sorry Dad, I'm with Kate on this one. Knowing the baby's gender actually allows you to bond better with him or her in my opinion," Alexis smiled sheepishly at her disappointed father.
"Two against one Castle!"
"Ok fine. Let the baby decide if he or she wants to reveal his or her gender," Kate sighed at Castle's face. He could be a baby sometimes. A really hot baby who makes her want to run her fingers through that head of soft silky hair as she straddles his-
What was up with her hormones?
"No! Baby why!" Castle moaned as the screen revealed the baby's genital. "Kate! Kate look! She's a she!" Castle switched his mood, jumping from mock disappointment to hyped enthusiasm.
"Our baby girl," Kate whispered, her fingers reaching out to touch the moniter.
"I have a sister…"
"Hey Eva, Daddy here. You will be as wonderful as your mum. Now she's gloating at me Eva. Your mum's a bully," Castle stage whispered to Kate's stomach.
"Eva, your father is just being childish. Mama never bullies daddy. I'm a Detective, I protect people," Kate whispered back.
"Your mum's right. Daddy is way too dramatic," Alexis quipped, earning a glare from Castle and laughter from her stepmother.
…..
Castle yawned, sleep crawling into his eyelids.
No. Stay awake, Castle. Stay awake.
He slapped himself and shook his head with vigour like a dog after a bath, trying to clear his mind of sleepiness.
Sleepiness was an illusion of the mind. He wasn't tired. He just believed he was tired.
He continued to stare at the instruction manual, flipping it upside down in hopes it would magically explain everything to him.
Or not.
Why was assembling a rocking horse so difficult? It's just a freaking wooden horse. How hard could it be?
He flung the manual down in annoyance. He should write to the company and advice them on hiring someone else capable of giving clear and concise instructions.
He glared at the pile of wooden things scattered on the soft baby blue carpeted floor.
He reached out and took one of the many parts. He did not need an instruction manual. He was Richard Edgar Castle. He could do this. He could assemble a rocking horse. And a crib. And carve some butterflies. And hang the butterflies up. And…
Eva would love all of these, right?
He could not wait for the arrival of Eva. He could not wait for Kate to see the nursery. He had snuck out of bed every night trying to complete the room for their baby. It was mostly done now, except for a few knick-knacks and the crib.
Oh my god. He did it. He looked at the completed rocking horse with pride, his heart swelling. He had been trying to assemble the rocking horse for nights. For some odd reason, they kept falling apart. The instruction manual did not help either.
Sleep found it's way back into his mind, coaxing him into a dream filled with laughter and love. Kate, Eva, Alexis and him. A family.
I promise you that I will do anything in my power to fulfil your wishes. Wishes that are reasonable, of course.
….
And if that Billy goat won't pull, Papa's gonna buy you a cart and bull
24 weeks
"Hey Kate," Castle murmured, his voice deep and husky, fresh from sleep.
"Look, it's daddy!" she whispered excitedly, her free hand stroking her stomach.
"Hey Eva. Are you giving mummy a bad time?" he asked sternly.
"My heartburns are better now, thank you for asking," Kate laughed, her sweet voice loud and clear, even through the speakers. "So how's Singapore?"
"Great. Plants everywhere, clean streets, sort of friendly people, really safe. There are really good food here. It's really hot though-90 degrees. Thank god for air conditioning."
"Sounds fun."
He hummed. "It would be if I need not stay in the bookstore signing books after books. How are you feeling?"
"I have these contractions occasionally. The doctor calls it…"
"Braxton Hicks contractions," they both said at the same time. Smiles danced on their lips.
"I wish you were here," he sighed, looking at her through the screen.
"I miss you." Her fingers reached out to brush his face, only to touch the cold unforgiving screen of the phone.
"I miss you too." He blew her a kiss and she pretended to catch it in her palms, holding it close to her heart.
"When will you be back?"
"Five more days. I will be back really soon Kate," he smiled. He wished he could hug her. Really hug her.
Tears formed in her eyes and she could not help but to cry. She missed him so much. So very much. It hurt.
"I love you Rick," she murmured, tears leaking out of her hazel eyes.
"I love you too."
"Always."
"Always."
Kate was a lot more emotional than she ever was and he kind of like that. Angry Kate. Honourable Kate. Determined Kate. Stubborn Kate. Dorky Kate. He loved Kate. All Kates.
"I have to go," he sighed as he saw the time.
Disappointment flickered over her face. "Bye."
"Bye. Love you."
"You said that already," she rolled her eyes and said it back.
They gave each other another virtual kiss before hanging up. Castle hated to be away from Kate, especially during this period of time. He wanted to be there for her, not stuck in a book tour. Maybe he could find a way to escape Gina and Paula. Maybe.
…..
"I'm huge," Kate groaned, looking at her swollen belly in the mirror.
"Nonsense. Girl, your belly is still barely showing. You really need too thin," Lanie rolled her eyes and she took a blouse from the shelf. "Try this on."
"I'm big enough to have to shop for maternity clothes. I can no longer fit into Castle's shirts!" She took the blouse and inspected it. It was white, a simple yet classy design, unlike the weird maternity clothes that were in abundance.
She gathered the few pieces Lanie and she had picked out and went into the fitting room. She tried the clothes on, finding that it was a lot more comfortable to wear the maternity clothes than Castle's, even if she liked his scent. She was already at the stage where it was a must to wear maternity clothing huh.
She changed back to her oversized tee and pants, picked out more clothing and went to pay. She was glad Lanie was here with her. Days without Castle were lonely and dull. Lanie kept her loneliness in check. She was the best friend anyone could wish for.
But as she sat on the bench waiting for Lanie to return with their ice cream, she found herself crying, tears streaming down her face in an endless waterfall.
"Oh my god. Are you alright?" Lanie rushed forward, dumping the two cups of sinful chocolate ice cream on the bench.
"Yes? No? I don't know?" Kate continued to sob.
"What's wrong sweetheart?" Lanie drew comforting circles on Kate's back.
"It's just these stupid hormones you know? I thought that it would be better by now but it's not. Castle's gone for a book tour and Alexis is busy with college and I was feeling so lonely. And you are here being such a wonderful friend, putting up with my crazy pregnancy hormones and I am just so grateful you know?" she rambled on, feeling stupid.
Lanie's eyes soften. "Let it all out honey, let it all out."
"Sometimes I think I won't be a good mother to Eva. I mean, I am such a wreck! I don't know how to take care of a child. What if I fuck up, Lanie? What if I fuck up so bad that Castle would hate me and we become another failed marriage? Look at me Lanie! I am huge. What if Castle thinks I am hideous and go off with another woman? I have seen the way some women look at me. They think that I don't deserve him. What if… I love him so much Lanie. I love him and Eva and Alexis."
Her mind was a whirling mess, jumping from one car to another.
Lanie pulled back and looked at Kate sternly in the eye. "One, you will be a wonderful mother. Two, writer boy loves you too much to let you go Katie. Believe in his love. Believe in your hard earned marriage. Besides, no other woman is comparable to you. Three, screw those women. You deserve writer boy. Hell, he deserves you. You two are a match made in heaven! Kate-"
Lanie caught sight of a figure nearing them and a grin spilt across her. "If you don't believe me, ask him yourself."
Kate looked up in confusion.
"C-Castle?" she breathed out, disbelief and unadulterated happiness lit her eyes.
"Espo told me that you and Lanie were out shopping," Castle caught her in his arms.
"This feels like a scene from some melodrama or cheesy romance novel," she laughs, burying her head into his shoulder.
"I know, I know. It's me remember? Best-selling novelist?"
"Shut up," she murmured. "You are supposed to be back in five days."
"I managed to escape," he said proudly.
"Gina will murder you."
"A new case for you then," he laughed. "Now, what did I hear about you thinking that I will leave you for some other woman?"
She blushed, her cheeks scarlet.
"I love you, Kate. I love you. I don't care if you become the size of an elephant. I don't care if you become old and wrinkly. I love you," he looked into her eyes and wiped away her tears with his thumb. "You are carrying our child and there is nothing sexier than that. I will never, ever leave you."
His hand dropped to her stomach and he caressed it gently. He dropped on his knees and pressed a kiss to her stomach, trying to ensure her that his love for her was true and forever, unconditional.
"Rick," she whispered, fresh tears rimming her hazel green eyes.
Their lips met in a fiery passion, burning down the reality that encased them.
Lanie smiled to herself and she continued eating the sinfully delicious ice cream, leaving the lovebirds alone in their world.
The ice cream was really good. Damn. She eyed Beckett's cup and snitched it. Kate probably wouldn't even notice it was gone, not when Castle's tongue was doing whatever it was doing to her mouth.
I promise I will protect you from any PDA your parents like to do.
…..
And if that cart and bull turn over, Papa's gonna buy you a dog named Rover
32 weeks
"Is that a kick?" Castle's eyes widened with amazement.
Kate laughed as Castle stared at her naked belly with awe.
"We can see her kick Kate! Look at her kick!" he squealed, his eyes sparkling with such vigour it scared her. "She will kick as well as you do."
"She's so active now. She barely moved before," Kate gently patted her stomach.
"Eva, don't be as violent as your mummy when you grow up," Castle crooned, earning a twist to his ear. "I'm not done yet! Eva, be as strong as your mummy. Be strong, kind, righteous… No pressure! You can be whatever you want."
Kate rolled her eyes. She watched as Castle continued to ramble to her stomach, warmth soaking her heart, wrapping her in a sun kissed blanket. Everything seemed so perfect. All her fears seemed so stupid and childish now. She fit. She could have happiness. She absentmindedly combed through his hair, feeling the softness running through her fingertips.
Castle had brought her back to life. Before she met him, her life was a routine, dead and stifling. She was trapped in a never-ending cycle of self-destruction, hiding her fears and pain from everyone else and erecting a wall so high and steep that no one could enter.
With Castle, she became better. She learnt to smile, to laugh. She was breaking free from her cage. He clawed, he dug, he did whatever he could to bring her wall down and he did it. Her walls were down because of him. He helped her. He saved her.
He was good for her.
And she… She was good for him too.
She loved this man. This foolish, childish man who loved and protected his family with such a fearsome heart. This man who was so infuriatingly stubborn in sticking through the bad times with her. This man who was willing to sacrifice almost everything for her. This man who was in love with her and she in love with him.
She loved Alexis, the young mature Alexis with so much vigour and righteousness, just like her father. The young woman who had forgotten what was it like to have a mother who was there for her. The young woman who reminded Kate of herself.
She loved the child growing inside of her. Life. She was life. She was the light at the end of the tunnel, the first ray of sunshine when dawn breaks, the first seedling that springs out as the snow melts.
She loved her new family.
….
"Are all these necessary?" Christie asked, laughing at Alexis.
"Of course," Alexis huffed, lugging bags of infant needs back to the loft.
"Shouldn't your parents have already bought them?"
Alexis blinked. "They did… But the baby still needs more!"
"Your new step-sister is so lucky to have a sister like you," Christie sighed, dragging the bags along.
"I know. Thank you so much for your help. Would you like to stay for some snack? My dad made some killer chocolate cake," Alexis offered.
"We should pack these first," Alexis's classmate pointed at the bags that littered the floor.
"We should."
Christie hummed, her eyes darting around the loft. "First time here, you lead the way, rich girl."
Alexis gave the brunette her infamous killer eye roll. "Come on then, elfin girl."
Alexis had really bought way too much new things for Eva. But it was nice to be able to pamper the new child that was on her way. She was looking forward to her arrival. A smile lingered on her face as she watched Christie cooing over the room her father had decorated for Eva.
It was nice, having a…friend.
I promise that I will always be your big sister and protect you from all the mean boys.
…..
And if that dog named Rover won't bark, Papa's gonna buy you a horse and cart
36 weeks
"Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out." Castle repeated soothingly, his right hand wrapped around Beckett's.
She followed his instructions, breathing in and out as deeply as she could.
"I think we will ace the giving birth part," Castle whispered.
"It's not an exam, Castle. There are no grades."
"Duh. But it's better to be prepared don't you think?"
"We have signed up for all the classes there is, Castle. I think we are more than prepared!"
"There's no such thing as too prepared my dear Detective."
Kate rolled her eyes and tried to stifle a yawn.
"Time for bed now huh," Castle laughed.
"I don't know why I am always sleeping in the day while I can't sleep at night. The pregnancy is screwing with my biological clock," she grumbled, waddling to the bed.
"It's perfectly normal," Castle soothed his wife, tucking her in.
She hummed, her eyes already half closed. "Sing for Eva?"
"Sing for Eva." And so he sang, a song of love and safety, a song of innocence and purity, a song for the future and a song about the past.
He stroked his wife's hair as she slowly drifted off to sleep, her shirt stretching over her swollen stomach.
"Goodnight," he whispered to the love of his life and kissed her forehead and her stomach as he turned off the lights.
It was time to continue his scrapbook for Eva. He was almost done with it. The scrapbook was purple, filled with pictures and short descriptions of the days and memories of the pregnancy.
There was a few pictures he was particularly fond of.
The first one was taken by Alexis. She had snuck into their room one morning and secretly took it.
Kate was sound asleep in the picture with a small smile on her peaceful face. He was hugging her from behind, his arms falling naturally around her stomach, caressing it.
There was another picture of Kate, her blithe smile captured perfectly in the moment of time. She was 30 weeks pregnant then and they were at the beach. He couldn't remember what had made her smile but he was glad he managed to capture that beautiful moment. She looked like an angel, with her hair billowing with the wind and her head tilted back in laughter.
Then there was a picture of all three-no four- of them, Kate, Alexis, Eva and him. They were curled up on the sofa, watching the Lion King when Martha had taken the photo. Their faces were twisted in laughter as Alexis's head was on Beckett's lap and Castle's arms around her shoulders.
It was a scrapbook of miracles.
36 weeks ago, he would have never expected that one day, he would be the father of another child. Never.
A few more weeks. A few more weeks to Eva's arrival. He couldn't wait.
I promise to fill your days with laughter and happiness. You will never feel blue.
…
And if that horse and cart fall down
40 weeks
Everything was a blur.
She remembered seeing blood as her water broke and feeling to sign of the baby in her womb.
She could not think. She could not feel.
Her head was pounding painfully and the world was a blur. She felt like she was fifteen again, looking through an unfocused microscope and everything seemed to converge together.
"I am sorry." She heard the doctor say, "would you like to hold her?"
The nurses and the doctor wore a solemn mask, pity and sadness seeping through the cracks.
She couldn't remember her response. All she remembered was staring into the tiny face of the baby, her eyes closed in slumber. She was tiny in her arms and still warm from birth. She felt real, she was real. She felt alive.
She must be still alive.
Tears fogged her vision.
Her baby, her baby was-
She choked back her tears, a strangled cry escaping the depths of her soul.
"Eva," Kate whispered, hoping that somehow, the baby could respond to her name.
She didn't. She was still in Kate's arms, a rock wrapped in cloth.
They were going to be a family.
It was all her fault. It was all her fault.
"Kate," she heard the strained, controlled whisper of Castle and she broke.
The world collapsed around her. All that was left was Castle, her and the baby. His presence released the dam inside of her, freeing the waves of emotions that crashed upon her, again and again, one after the other.
Castle, oh Castle.
He loved the baby so much. They were looking forward to her arrival. They had loved her, so very much. So much that it had filled them up.
And now, all that was left was the shell of their baby, their baby who died before her time, before she could breathe.
She was gone before they could even say goodbye.
"She's beautiful," Castle murmured, hot tears stinging his eyes.
"Castle," Kate cried, pressing her face against his shoulder, breathing his scent in. It hurt. It hurt so much. She could not breathe. She lost control of her tears as they swept her away, tugging her down into the currents of the stormy sea.
"It's not fair" that was all she could say.
He held her, pressing her against him. He had placed Eva down on the bed and he could not look away from her.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she repeated again and again with each breath she took.
"It's not your fault, Kate," he whispered. Placental abruption. That was what the doctor had said.
Kate trembled against him, shaking, her shoulders heaving, her breath quick and deep. Her tears soaked through his shirt, scalding him. Her cries were eerily silent.
He was helpless, watching the world crumble before him.
The room was silent. It felt like the world had stopped spinning. Time was still.
Eva would be the sweetest baby.
Would be.
He could still hear her heartbeat resounding in his mind.
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town
….
A/N: The ending is what I have planned from the start. I wanted to do a stillborn ending because it is real. Stillbirth occurs in 1 out of 160 pregnancies, the majority occurring before labour.