Three Birds, One Stone

by TOOoldTOfangirl

Forbidden by her father from interacting with humans, eighteen year old Ursula falls in love with a human who is not allowed to grow up. When the star-crossed lovers cross paths with the revenge obsessed Capt Hook, tragedy seems eminent. Find out why Ursula hates Hook (AU), what he actually did to Rufio and, the most burning question of all, what happens if you eat a magic bean.

Setting: Neverland

Time: Long before the First Curse

"THUNK-Crack-THUNK-Splash!"

The stone struck the skull of the nearest bird, bounced up and smashed the throat of a second. The flock scattered. Both birds lay dead in their wake. Felix threw his sling shot high in the air.

"You did it again, Pan!" he whooped. "You got two of them in one shot!"

"Of course." Peter Pan gathered his kill. "That was nothing. The trick is to kill three birds with one stone."

"Three's not possible!"

"Isn't it?" Pan fixed his friend with a stare. "Well, we shall see . . . Any word on the pirates?"

"Our scouts reported seeing the pirates crating up dream shade plants and carrying them aboard ship. I wonder why Hook wants THEM?"

"Crocodile bait, no doubt. . . are they building fortifications on land at all?"

"No sign of that."

"Hum...they mustn't intend to stay." Pan rubbed his chin. "We can't have that now, can we?"

"How can we stop them from leaving? I mean, they came here through a hole in the ocean that Hook commands at will. What's to stop them from opening it back up and sailing through?"

"That "hole" doesn't open on command, Felix. You need to have a very specific magical object to do this. What's more, its magic is spent as soon as the portal closes and you need to have a another one to open a return passage."

"Does Hook have a supply of these hole openers?"

"They are very rare. I doubt he has more than one remaining. But, I happen to know exactly where he keeps that one."

"Do you want me to steal it for you?"

"No, not you. We need someone Hook will let close to him. Hook's weaknesses are rum and females. We don't have any rum so - BACK!"

Pan held his arm straight to prevent Felix from stepping into the clearing. They peered around the tree that was concealing them from view. Pan's lieutenant, Rufio, lay comfortably on the beach with his head resting in the lap of the young cecaelia, Ursula. She cradled his head with her tentacles while gently stroking his cheek stubble with her hand. Pan pressed his finger to his lips and motioned for Felix to follow him deeper into the forest.

"Rufio and Octogirl!" Felix stifled a giggle. "Did you know about this?"

"Yes, for quite some time he has been sneaking off to spend time with her. I am afraid he has broken one of my cardinal rules."

"You mean he fell in love?"

"No, I don't forbid love specifically, just as I don't forbid the peach fuzz on his chin or the deepening of his voice. But, all of these things are byproducts of growing up. You know what happens to Lost Boys who grow up, don't you?"

"They disappear...so why have you let this continue? Is Peter Pan really a romantic at heart?"

"Hardly!" Pan punched him in the arm. "No, I ignored their romance because I needed to keep Princess Ursula near. She is one of the few people with access to a singular item...and I believe this item's power could keep Neverland alive indefinitely."

"Dare I ask what 'it' is?"

"All in good time, Felix...For now, I want you to summon Rufio away so I can chat with his girlfriend privately."

###########

"Oh, Rufio! For the last time, let's run away together!"

Rufio sat up and took Ursula's hand gently.

"Sweetness, we have been over this before! Even if Pan lets me leave, your father hates humans! He will never let you marry one!"

"But we LOVE each other SO much!" Tears formed at the corners of her eyes.

"Yes, but isn't enough. It's hopeless to-"

CAAA-CAWW! CAAA-CAW! CAAA-CAW! The cry was loud despite being far off in the jungle.

"That's Felix calling me. I better go see what he wants."

As she watched Rufio disappear into the forest, Ursula could contain the tears no longer. The trickle soon escalated to a downpour and she threw herself to the ground face first.

"Oh! Ursula! Sorry I didn't see you there."

She looked up into the elfin face of Peter Pan. Why was he here? Was he going to make fun of her broken heart? To her surprise, his mocking grin melted into concern. He took her arm and slowly raised her from the ground.

"Why are you crying, my dear? If one of my boys was nasty to you, I'll see to his punishment immediately!"

"Oh,no. It wasn't anything like that...I just...I just love -um - this one - um - this sailor so much but he isn't from the mer world and-and my father will never let us be together!"

"Dear-oh-dear! That IS a problem... have you tried reasoning with your father?"

"He refuses to listen! Our talks all end with him screaming "NO DAUGHTER OF MINE WILL MARRY A HUMAN!"

"Well...you are studying to be a seawitch, aren't you? Is there any way to turn your sailor into a merman? Then your father would have to agree!"

"There is nothing in mer magic that can do THAT! If there was, I am sure my father would forbid its use."

"Nothing at all?"

"Nothing."

"Well, that's strange ... I mean ...I've heard with human magic that it is very simple. If I recall correctly, you really don't have to have magic in you to do it. You just need a special magic thing that turns your legs to fin."

"Peter! What magic thing?! Where can I find it?!"

################

Setting: Pirate Cove, Neverland

Ursula glided silently beneath the water following the current into Pirate's Cove. Soft moonbeams filtered down guiding her to the egg-shaped shadow hovering on the surface. She emerged close astern and crept slowly around the perimeter of the Jolly Roger. Heavy breathing, interspersed with snores, sounded from inside. The crew must be asleep. Perhaps her quarry would be, too.

She had two tentacles up the ladder when she saw him leaning over the rail above her. His chiseled face glowed in the moonlight. Sweet Neptune! What a beautiful creature! With his perfectly sculpted cheekbones, soft sensuous mouth and broad shoulders, he was even more handsome up close than from a distance. The generous sprinkling of dark hair that spread beneath his open shirt did nothing but enhance his male beauty. Nothing prepared her for his eyes! She had never seen anything in the mer world that sparkled so blue! Yet, for all their color, they were cold with fury. This man emanated anger through every pore. Would she be able to enchant him long enough to procure the item?

"Well-well!" His smile loomed bright but a bit reserved. "You certainly aren't a lost boy, are you?"

"No...No, I am from the sea."

"Obviously, luv. Not that I'm complaining!" Those dazzling eyes roved all over her curves before casually drifting up to her face. "Are you a mermaid of some sort?"

"Not exactly. I am a cecaelia, half girl/half octopus. Mermaids are half fish."

"Ah, I never knew something with sucker-bearing arms could be so alluring." He quirked an eyebrow and stroked his chin.

"And I never knew a pirate king could be so charming."

"Pirate king?" He chuckled softly. "Is that what the merfolk call me?"

"Well, you rule the pirates, don't you?"

"Aye, but only the ones on this ship. I prefer pirate captain to pirate king. Or just Hook if we are to be on a first name basis."

"Okay -uh- Hook...I'm Ursula."

"Nice to meet you, Ursula." Then his smile fell and his eyes turned deep gray. "Why are you sneaking aboard my ship?"

"I-I was curious... about male humans-uh- I mean men. Until now I have never seen one fully grown." She moved up the ladder until they were face to face.

"I see." He turned his head slightly and looked away. "What is your impression of us 'grown' men?"

She touched his face gently, turning it back toward her.

"Beautiful," she whispered.

He swallowed hard and leaned back away from her. "Luv, I may not know much about your species but I am perceptive enough to know you are rather young and...inexperienced."

Drat! He wasn't falling for her seductress act. She told Pan this wasn't something she did well. Okay, maybe if she played up her innocence, the pirate would let down his guard.

"That's true. I am not experienced..." She lowered her eyelashes while slowly sliding a tentacle around his neck and into his hair. "But...how else will I gain experience?"

She grasped his silver necklace with one hand and drew him back to her. His lips tasted soft and hungry. He did not put his arms about her as she expected. But, he did not pull away from the kiss either. As she kissed him, she slowly bought her other hand around his neck to feel for the leather cord from which the bean hung. There it is! She broke the kiss, grabbed the cord with both hands and flung herself backwards toward the sea. The cord broke and she fell from the deck into the ocean with the bean securely in hand.

SPLASH !

"STOP! THIEF! ALL HANDS ON DECK!"

"Captain, what happened?!"

"A bloody octopus girl just stole our way home!"

"She stole the bean? I thought you had it around-"

Hook rolled his eyes. "Yes, Smee, the little cutpurse snatched it right off my person."

"How will we find her under the ocean?"

"She didn't swim toward the ocean. She swam landward. This has Pan's mark all over it. We have to get that bean back!"

"Shall we lower the dinghy, Sir?"

"Yes, lower it immediately! After her, you dogs or we will never leave this accursed place!"

#################

Setting: A Secluded Beach in Neverland

Ursula knelt holding a small frying pan over the fire. With a deft flick of her tentacle, she tossed the contents and caught them in the pan.

"That smells too delicious to be a magic potion, Urs!" Rufio flashed her a teasing grin.

Ursula smiled and handed him a fork. "It's more of a magic stir fry. Hurry up and eat it before any of your friends catch the smell or you won't have it for long."

"This is delicious, my dear! If you can't make it as a seawitch, you can always become a cook."

"I added some scallops, sea herbs and chopped wild onion to make it more palatable. Make sure you eat every last bite or we will never have our happy end-"

"HERE SHE IS, CAPTAIN!"

A chubby pirate stood pointing his sword at the two young lovers. Rufio froze in mid bite. Ursula quickly scanned the plate. No, he had to eat more.

"Good work, Smee!" Hook called from behind. Ursula turned to see they were surrounded by pirates on three sides. But, the lagoon side was unguarded. Not a smart move, Hook.

"Now, luv, the prank is over!" the pirate captain sneered. "Give me back my bean!"

"Hook, what is this about?" Rufio frowned. "Can't a man eat his dinner without a gaggle of pirates trying to take it?"

"Ask your little friend here? She stole my magic bean!" He turned to Ursula. "WHERE IS IT?"

Ursula's gaze darted to the single morsel left on Rufio's plate. Hook studied the lost boy carefully. Rufio speared the last piece of his dinner and bought the fork to his mouth. By the time Hook realized what was happening, it was too late.

"NO! DON'T EAT IT!"

Rufio had already put the bean in his mouth and swallowed it whole! Hook grabbed him by the shoulders and started shaking him.

"ADDLEPAT! WHY WOULD YOU EAT A MAGIC BEAN?"

"Because we love each other and we want to be together!" Ursula screamed.

"THAT'S THE DAFTEST THING I EVER HEARD!"

"Not for us! As soon as the bean transforms Rufio into a merman, we're swimming out of here!"

"Bloody hell! Who told you THAT?!"

"Peter Pan."

"And you believed HIM? You ARE inexperienced, luv!" Hook turned to his men. "Tie them up and bring them back to the Jolly Roger. He didn't chew the thing up so maybe it will pass through him in tact. We will just have to wait it out."

As the pirates started to bind Rufio's wrists, Ursula saw her chance to escape and get help. She quickly slid into the water and swam for her life.

"Captain! She's getting away!"

"Let her go, boys! We only need him!"

#####################

Setting: Lost Boys Campsite

"Peter! Peter! " Ursula gasped as she charged into Pan's camp. "Come quickly! They have Rufio!"

Lost boys came popping out of the trees and shrubs. Peter Pan softly landed in front of Ursula.

"Who has Rufio?"

"The Pirates! I feed him the bean and now they want to keep him prisoner until it comes back out of him!"

"EEEEEEEWWW!" The lost boys groaned in unison.

"Yes, I must agree. THAT is a new low for Hook!" Peter jumped on the nearest rock. "Lost Boys! We go at once to rescue our friend!"

"Oh, thank you, Peter!" Ursula cried. "There is no telling what those pirates will do to him! What if they cut him open to get the bean?"

"Fear not, Princess Ursula! I will spear Hook like the codfish he is!"

Pan pulled his dagger from his belt and thrust it high above his head. Felix frowned. Pan was acting too theatrical for this to be legitimate. What was he up to?

"Oh, wait." Pan spread a palm across his chest and frowned. "I will never kill the pirate KING with such a weapon."

"Why?"

"Because to kill a king, you need a king's weapon...I have none."

Ursula smiled brightly. "I can get you one, Peter! Meet me at the pirate's ship in half and hour!" She dove into the waves and disappeared.

Pan exchanged a secret smile with Felix. So that was his game!

"You are the Pan!"

###############

Setting: Aboard the Jolly Roger

"Captain, according to Woodall's notes, the bean could take more than a week to pass."

Smee balanced an open book stamped "The Surgeon's Mate" in his large hand. Rufio sat crosslegged on the deck of the beakhead with his wrists bound in front of him. His face sported a telling smirk. The crew lounged about him in various postures. All were glaring at the boy as if waiting for something.

"Bloody hell, Smee." Hook rubbed his forehead with one hand. "Pan won't wait that long to launch a rescue attempt...Do we have anything on board that could act as a purgative to speed things along?"

Smee turned a few pages, scanning them quickly. Then he stopped and pointed to a particular paragraph.

"Here, Captain. It says caster oil can be an effective purgative. We have a bottle in the medicine chest."

"Get it, Smee...alright, Rufio. It would be to your benefit to take your 'medicine' and hope it works!" The pirate waived his hook in the boy's face. "If not, I will gut you like a fish until the bean falls out of your ruined innards!"

Rufio blanched. He accepted the open bottle Smee offered and took a tiny sip. He grimaced and swallowed.

"That can't be enough, Smee." The captain wound his hook tight in Rufio's hair and yanked his head backwards. Then he grabbed the bottle from Smee with his good hand and dumped the entire contents down Rufio's throat. The boy's face went from white to green.

"Don't you dare spit that up, you bilge rat! Quick, lads, hold his nose and mouth-"

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF HIM!"

While the pirates were preoccupied, Ursula had climbed aboard carrying a large trident. She was just in time to see Hook force feed some potion to Rufio. Was it poison?

"Don't worry, luv. This may make him a bit uncomfortable but it won't harm-"

"Aahhhhhhh!" Rufio clutched his mid section as his eyes rolled back into his head. His body went into convulsions for several minutes. As he stilled, a hole opened in his abdomen! A blinding beam of light shot out from this hole!

"Captain! The castor oil has become a catalyst for the bean's magic!" Smee shouted. "A portal is opening up from his stomach!"

"QUICKLY MEN! THROW HIM OVER THE SIDE AS FAR FROM THE SHIP AS POSSIBLE!"

The crew grabbed the boy by his limbs. With a loud 'heave ho', they propelled him into the middle of the lagoon. Ursula froze in shock. Pan and the Lost Boys arrived to see Rufio dissolve in the water. Then the sea churned and swirled around the spot until a portal opened.

"Hook, what the devil did you do?!"

Hook held his palm up to Peter Pan. "I swear it was unintended! I was only trying to-"

"YOU MONSTER!" Ursula finally found her voice. "YOU TORTURED AND KILLED HIM!"

She hurled the trident at the pirate captain's head. But, she was obviously unschooled in the use of such a weapon. Hook easily caught it with his good hand.

"I AM sorry about this. But, we can't dally any longer... ALL HANDS PREPARE TO SET SAIL! WE HAVE TO MAKE IT TO THAT HOLE BEFORE IT CLOSES!"

"NOT SO FAST HOOK!" Pan signaled his boys. "Your crew can't set sail for that portal AND fight my soldiers at the same time. And we WILL fight you unless-"

"Out with it Pan!" Hook drew the trident against his shoulder. "What do you want to leave us alone?"

"THAT!" Pan pointed to the trident.

"NO!" Ursula screamed. "That's my father's! He'll disown me!"

"DEAL!" Hook tossed the trident to Pan and turned back to his crew who were frantically trying to raise anchor and unfurl the sails. "SHARPLY, LADS, SHARPLY!"

Pan pointed the trident at the portal. A beam emanated from the trident and closed the hole. The portal was gone! Rufio was gone! An eerie calm settled on the lagoon.

Hook turned back to Pan with a thunderous expression. He drew his sword.

"You double crossing little-"

Pan laughed and rose above Hook just high enough to be out of striking range.

"I am keeping my end of the bargain. We aren't going to fight you after all... Felix, you and the others escort Princess - where is Princess Ursula?"

"She's a princess?" Hook hissed.

"Yes, she is Poseidon's daughter...she must have left in the scuffle. Can hardly blame her."

"She's POSEIDON'S daughter?" Hook asked. "So THAT'S no ordinary fishing spear? THAT'S Poseidon's trident?"

"Yes. The instrument by which the sea god creates oceans, conjures up storms and ... births islands."

"YOU DEMON!" Hook growled. "You planned this all along so you could pin your dirty work on me, didn't you?"

"Of course." Pan held up one finger. "First, I needed get rid of Rufio. Second, I needed to prevent you from leaving. Third, I wanted to possess this magnificent spear...You proved the perfect stone to make all three happen."

"You bloody demon! Now I've made an enemy of the sea god, his daughter hates me for killing her lover and I'm stuck on this damned island indefinitely!"

"Well, laying low here until Poseidon calms down probably is advisable. I can't do much about Ursula - you did turn her lover into a human portal after all. But, I do control the big fork here." Pan stroked the trident gently. "Did I mention that the trident can open portals as well as closing them?"

Hook muttered an unrepeatable word.

"So, Hook, the next time I need your services or, perhaps, if you should acquire something of value to trade for passage home, we may be able to strike a deal."

With that, the impudent boy flew off. Hook walked to the ship's rail and peered into the depths of the lagoon. He sheathed the sword and rubbed his forehead with one hand.

"I have to find a way out of this accursed place."

THE END

Author's Notes: I know the upcoming "Poor Unfortunate Soul" OUAT episode will NOT go like this story. But, maybe somewhere in that library, a blank book is waiting to be filled with this alternate version.

Thank you for reading. Please review if you have time.