Title: Remus Lupin and the Possibility of Snow White's Face Being Marred Beyond All Reason.
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: R overall. (heavy)PG-13 this part.
Word Count: 991
Genre: Humor/Romance
Chapter: 1/??
Summary: Or, why Remus Lupin punched Sirius Black in the face.
Warnings: Swearing, brief sexual content and implied sex, teenage angst, incoherent thoughts, overall ridiculousness.
Notes: Normally, I'm not a fan of Gryffinwhore!Sirius...but in this case, I was glad to toss aside my usual idea of Sirius for this fic. :) Oh, and this is a slash fic. If you don't like, then don't read...duh.
Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN!!! D
Chapter One- The First Journal Entry: In Which Remus Lupin Refers to Himself in the Third Person.
Remus Lupin was infuriated. Not that he would show it, of course, but he was quite angry. He kept on a calm smile during class, and took down notes. He laughed at dinner when James came back from the other end of the table with purple boils on his newly acquired unicorn horn. He spoke quietly with Lily during their rounds as prefects.
Remus Lupin was infuriated because he was in love. Now, one would usually think that a good thing, right? Oh, yes, absolutely. Being in love is supposed to be like heaven on Earth.
He wanted to kill whoever came up with that bit of tosh.
Remus Lupin was infuriated because he was in love with one of his best friends. That doesn't sound too awful, right? After all, lovers are supposed to be best friends with some shagging thrown in. Not so. You see, Remus Lupin was not only in love with one of his best friends, but one of his extremely male, extremely STRAIGHT best friends.
Remus Lupin was infuriated because not only was he in love with one of his extremely male and extremely straight friends, but he was also a werewolf.
Well…actually, that bit had nothing to do with being in love. That just overall made him angry.
Anyway, the point is that Remus Lupin was infuriated because he was in love with one of his best friends. The best friend is Sirius Black, just in case that needed clearing up. Not James Potter, who looked like he had never discovered a hairbrush and had a few spots on his chin instead of whiskers. Nor was it Peter Pettigrew, who always went to Remus with questions about the latest essay that McGonagall assigned, bit his lips to oblivion and often acted more like a Hufflepuff than a Gryffindor. (Not that there's anything wrong with Hufflepuffs)
No, Remus Lupin was in love with Sirius Black. Sirius Black looked like he was carved by Michelangelo, had hopped out of the story Snow White, and that the bloody Tooth Fairy had cleaned his teeth every morning and night. Sirius Black was known for shagging anyone with a skirt on, though Remus quickly discarded the thought of himself in a skirt due to not wanting to humiliate and/or out himself to the school. Sirius Black was also a fucking enormous git who had no true feeling of compassion or nice in his body.
Oh, Remus Lupin was in deep shit. How could he fall in love with such a terror of a boy? Of course, not the looking fucking brilliant bit, but the shagging birds and being a wanker (not literally, since OBVIOUSLY he was shagging every bird in school…bastard…) bits.
Now, without proper evidence of Sirius Black's git-ness, one could assume that Remus Lupin was merely bitter because Sirius Black was busy shagging "that cute little blonde Ravenclaw with the round tits and pink lips, remember her, Moony?" instead of Remus Lupin, but no. It was much more than that.
Sirius Black found enjoyment in torturing others. Well, I suppose that depends on the definition of torture, but in the eyes of many Slytherins that Remus Lupin had had the inconvenience of talking to about Sirius Black, being forced to wear pink and white knickers while being hung by their ankles in the Great Hall was the worst kind of torture imaginable.
Remus Lupin did NOT laugh when this unfortunate event happened, because he was a Prefect and very kind and…Sirius Black was an enormous git. A very attractive git, who had smiled widely at the sight of Slytherins being humiliated and winked at Remus Lupin with a very conspiring look in his eye, but a git nonetheless. Perhaps Remus Lupin did laugh just to humor Sirius Black, but he only let out a small, choked, and broken by puberty "ha-ha" that was engulfed by the uproar of screaming laughter of every other House in the Great Hall.
So, Sirius Black liked to torture people by means of humiliation and overall emotional distress. He never meant to really hurt anyone; just let them know that he was their superior (which Remus Lupin thought was very Slytherin and very disgraceful and VERY like Sirius Black's awful family, but he never voiced that aloud) and a complete and royal git. Okay, maybe not to prove that he was a git, but still, it was git-like behavior, was it not?
Sirius Black was also a tart, a floozy, an absolute whore. And that really made Remus Lupin angry. It certainly wasn't because Remus Lupin wasn't getting shagged by Sirius Black. No, absolutely not! It was the principle of it all! Sirius Black would go out and shag some nameless girl with her giggles and whispers and perfume and skirt and batting eyes…and then Sirius Black would dump the girl and move onto another one, leaving "That Matilda, wow, she's a fucking cat in bed, Remus. Mee-ow!" for "'Oh, Johanna!''….My name is Emily, arsehole''…OHHHH, EMILY!''Oh, Merlin! Shut up, Padfoot, or cast a silencing charm!''You shut up, Prongs! I'm with lovely Johanna—''Emily!''Right now and would like to shag her in PEACE!'". Needless to say, Remus Lupin rather disliked Sirius Black's mating habits. Not only were they disrespectful to the girls at Hogwarts, but Remus Lupin would often lose sleep when Sirius Black brought a girl back to the dorm. Remus Lupin would be highly aware of what was going on and would either try to suffocate himself with his pillow or roll his eyes, hesitantly reach a hand down, and wank himself to breaking point.
Depending on who was moaning, of course.
And Remus Lupin hated wanking more than anything. It simply reminded him that he didn't have Sirius Black. Emily or Johanna or Matilda or Comet or Cupid or Donner or BLITZEN had Sirius-Bloody-Black.
Oh. Remus Lupin was bloody infuriated, and he was ready to let Sirius Black know it.