Your name is John Egbert and you're tired of these shenanigans.
Ever since you could remember, you found Dave Strider to be an insufferable ass, and you will not succumb to his good looks or southern twang. Not when his personality was as awful as spoiled milk, if not worse. You weren't sure why your dear friend Rose was sending you his oh-so popular music videos. He was like Justin Bieber in his early days but worse, and with less views.
EB: whyd you send me this
TT: I thought you'd enjoy it. Did you not?
EB: besides his awful voice and his smug face yeah I enjoyed it :B
TT: I'm getting an inkling you might've not enjoyed it.
EB: nope i love bleeding out of my ears
TT: So would you like me to send you more links to his music?
TT: watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ
TT: I think you'll find his voice almost haunting in this one
EB: yeah haunting
EB: haunting my dreams more like!
TT: Although I can definitely agree Dave Strider is completely graceless and devoid of humility, I don't understand why you loathe his songs so much?
EB: his voice is annoying and he has that stupid southern accent
TT: What do you have against southern accents if I may ask?
EB: They remind too much of walmart
EB: Aka the porcelain toilet bowl of humanity
EB: Where I'm pretty sure he was conceived
TT: As much I'd like to indulge you in your Walmart fantasies, my mother is
calling for me.
EB: ok bye!
tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering EctoBiologist [EB] at 19:23
You frown, or grimace maybe. You grimace in pure, unadulterated hatred of the annoying pale, shaded face staring at you from across the screen, not that he was literally staring since he was in a screen of course. Perhaps you were being a bit dramatic though, you supposed you simply had a strong disliking for him. Hatred is a bit much. Thinking to how you could share you dislike with the world, you clicks open a new browser tab and formulates a plan that only a genius such as yourself could formulate. You type in Dave Strider's fansite address, and grin a little, excited for the hell you're sure you're about to unleash.
This was sort of a favorite pass time of yours, trolling around on Dave's fansite. His fans all seemed to be tween girls or mothers well into their thirties- the type who typically enjoy Fifty Shades of Gray. Nonetheless, you found great satisfaction in angering their stupid love for
Dave Strider.
When did you even begin to dislike Dave? Who knows, maybe when you entered high school or something. That seemed to be what any girl your age talked about at the time. (At least when it came to music). They all fawned over how he was available, had 'perfect' hair and a 'perfect' face, to match his oh so perfect body and mediocre voice. So after hearing enough about all this, you looked him up- and within seconds realized what an arrogant pile of dog crap he was! You also found out he was 6'2" and was from Texas, which seemed to be where he got that overdone obviously fake Southern twang. You were only slightly jealous that he was the same age as yourself and was about a head taller than you, but you'd never admit that.
Now that you were practically almost down with your junior year, your dislike for him grew with each passing second, possibly millisecond and has been growing ever since Freshman year. Okay that's still a little over the top, but you still wished he would cease to exist from the media's eye more than ever. The way he never smiled, only smirked, and always had those dumb shades on just bothered you to the core. Unless he was blind, which he clearly wasn't, there should be no excuse to wear shades inside.
So with a crack of your knuckles, you typed in your username and password (you know, pathetic to actually have an account on this godforsaken website, but that was only way to get in), and went to the most recent message board, which was titled, 'Why do you think Dave Strider is so great?' You snort a little, and scroll down to the very bottom, glancing at the comments, and began to write your own;
DeckedOutGhost says: Dave Strider is a jerk that serves no purpose in society other than to be annoying and offer shade to his fans with his massive hairy butt. He is 98% ass and 2% dick.
You post the comment with immense satisfaction. Typically you don't enjoy anonymous name calling, but when it came to such blithering egotistical jerks like Dave, you found you couldn't really care less. Conveniently only moments later, you get a reply.
TheGodlyWorm says: lol are you obssessed with his asshole are some shit? That's some fucked up shit man.
You frown, realizing now it probably sounds like you're infatuated with Dave's ass or something, which you are most certainly not.
DeckedOutGhost says: Wtf are you talking about? Who in their right mind would want Dave's ass anywhere near them? That's some grossness I want no part of!
There was a ping barely seconds later.
TheGodlyWorm says: Are you allergic to looking at damn fine asses or something? Because that's what I'm getting from this. Because Dave has one fine ass.
You groan, what the hell was this person talking about? You'd never even thought about looking at Dave's ass, let alone thinking it was anywhere close to fine.
DeckedOutGhost says: Are you allergic to actual decent people? Dave is a total loser so my only conclusion is that you must be.
TheGodlyWorm says: My god you're a complete fucking dumbass aren't you? He's obviously doing this whole thing to be ironic. But of course a dumbass wouldn't notice that.
You couldn't help but be somewhat offended over this person's last comment. You were positive you weren't a dumbass.
DeckedOutGhost says: Doesn't change anything. He's still awful. Plus why does he wear those shades? There's no purpose.
TheGodlyWorm says: Are you fucking with me right now? I literally just explained it to you. He does all of this shit to be ironic. Are you really that much of a dumbfuck to not know that?
Now you were positive that you were in fact not a dumbfuck.
DeckedOutGhost says: Who in their right mind would ever want to know that stuff about Dave Strider? He's just some dumbass 17 year old with 99% of his dick shoved into his personality :B
TheGodlyWorm says: Um according to his most popular video, about 6-7 million gives several shits about him. Also there you go thinking about what's under his pants again you fucking perv.
DeckedOutGhost says: since his dick is likely only .001 cm long because the rest is shoved into his personality i assure you I dot give a crap about whats under his pants. yeah? Well jesus only had 12 followers and he got wayyyyy moe done and even had a book written about him unlike dave's shallow and useless self.
TheGodlyWorm says: My god you sure think about his dick a lot don't you? I'm getting uncomfortable here by the sheer amount of undertone of eroticism you display through your comments.
You felt frustrated with TheGodlyWorm, your comments are frustrating you to no end. You know they're probably just an internet troll like you, and despite your years of being exposed to internet trolls, it still somehow managed to get under your skin.
DeckedOutGhost says: you think i get a hard on from his micropenis? i think youre the one who gets a raging stiffy from the way you talk about him like he's some god to be revered.
TheGodlyWorm says: Hey I mean he's pretty great, but not that great, so no, I assure you that you're the only one to get a pathetically small stiffy from him.
DeckedOutGhost says: are you implying that while Dave doesn't give you a pathetically small stiffy, that other things do make your pathetically small weiner rise to the occasion? hehe thats kinda sad dude
TheGodlyWorm says: Ew first you want to know about Dave's dick and now you want to know about mine? What kind of sick and twisted creep are you? I bet you whack off to tentacle porn. I could see you being the type to do some sick shit like that.
You growl a little. How dare he insinuate that you spend your free time doing such vile things like whack off to tentacle porn!? You may be weird but not that weird.
DeckedOutGhost says: listen you brought up the whole boner thing so I'm more concerned over you fretting over my dick than me fretting over yours. really? tentacle porn was the first thing to come to mind? I bet it's because you secretly do it all the time- whack off to tentacle porn that is. I bet you like it really graphic too, with loads of suction cups don't you...
TheGodlyWorm says: So we've both established we have dicks, so unless I've suddenly become a raging homo interested in dickwads I don't see why I'd fancy going anywhere near your impossibly and most likely microscopic dick. Why the hell are you talking about suction cups, I feel like throwing up. You've violated my mind, popped my mental cherry you disgusting vile piece of rectum.
You hear your dad shout that dinner, and possibly even dessert is ready, followed by a sound of something shattering in the kitchen. You groan, not remotely in the mood for his confections. You write one last comment which is;
DeckedOutGhost says: i wouldnt be surprised if you were a raging homosexual, the way you seem to worship Dave's ass! ew that is the grossest metaphor I've ever heard. now youve popped my mental cherry for having popped your mental cherry. also talk to me on my pesterchum; ectoBiologist. I want to convince you how much of a dick Dave Strider is
With that, you turns off your computer and head out of your room, unprepared for the onslaught of confection and fatherly love that's about to be stuffed down your gullet.
A/N
Hey so I kind of tried writing this story like two years ago, but kind of failed at that so here's a rewrite! Tell me what you think, how I could improve! I'm already on Chapter 6 in the story, so let me know now if there's anything I should change. Love you all!