Inspired by tonight's "Trial of Leslie Knope" episode and a fantasy of what Ben's testimony might be like.
"Mr. Wyatt, you are aware you are under oath?" asked Leslie's prosecutor, even though Ben just swore to tell the truth five seconds ago. "I kind of remember that," Ben said, remembering too late not to sound snarky; although that was all he could do to keep sane at this thing.
"Then you'll think carefully before you answer this. What is the nature of your relationship with Leslie Knope?"
Ben didn't need to think carefully on what the nature was or deny it – not anymore, at least. He just had to phrase it the right way. "We…intend on having a social relationship outside of work."
"And did you try to have it before without telling anyone? Quite frankly, Mr. Wyatt, did you start sleeping with Ms. Knope behind the taxpayers' back months ago?"
"I don't see why the taxpayers' back has to be concerned with that. And I want it on the record that no corruption, under handed deals or favoritism was shown to the Parks Department, or shown against any other department, because of my time with Ms. Knope. Granted, I stopped going to the library so much because she wants them burned and shot into the sun, but other than that…."
"Yes, yes, we all want libraries set ablaze in a glorious 1,000 year fire, that's common knowledge," the prosecutor stated with an impossibly straight face – and even Leslie nodded her approval at him for the first time this afternoon. Ben was taken aback at how such lunacy could be shown even now, yet it was kind of a relief here.
"What isn't common knowledge is why you wanted to compromise this entire government for this woman. If it wasn't due to her desperate attempt to save her department or to build up her political credentials, what was it? And remember, you are under oath!"
That little reminder reminded Ben that he would have to be truthful about how he felt – and truthful out loud to people other than himself for the first time. In fact, he would have to say this in front of Leslie for the very first time ever. Of all the 1,345 times he had imagined such a thing, only six of them were in circumstances like this. They weren't ideal, which was why he only imagined them six times, and only when the other fantasies had been rerun too much.
"Mr. Wyatt, I ask again. Why did you jeopardize your already tattered career for this woman?" Okay, that added on part about his career was a bit excessive. But he was about to answer when Leslie suddenly rose from her seat and yelled "Objection, your Honor! The witness has his 5'th Amendment right not to speak if he's incriminating! Or if he doesn't want to say it here."
Whether Leslie was trying to keep Ben from damning himself, or damning herself, or giving out a love confession under less than romantic circumstances, Ben didn't know. "He has to say it, since it goes to the heart of the matter here!" the prosecutor retorted.
"Look, my feelings are on trial here, not his, and I put those feelings through way too much already. They may not even be entirely what they were before…..certain funerals for the greatest creature in galactic history." With that reminder of Lil' Sebastian, Ben could see Ron almost bite the bottom of his mustache to contain himself. But Leslie soon returned Ben's focus to her when she finished "I didn't fight hard enough when it came to him before, and then I fought way too hard before last week. He did nothing wrong, so let me do the only incriminating here, okay?"
She was right in saying that his emotions were still tangled up. Despite his rush to be back to her, the pain of the last few months and their less than romantic adventures in those faithful three weeks before the reunion still lingered. Ben figured they would linger every time someone attacked Leslie on the campaign about him and she didn't fight back hard enough, or if she got fired and she took her withdrawal symptoms from the Parks Department out on him.
Ben knew that if he allowed himself to jump back entirely into this, and if Leslie didn't choose him at a key moment again, it could finish him off for good and make him too distraught to set foot in Pawnee again. That was why he wanted to wait for the right moment – maybe after they were not guilty in this show trial, if that was still possible – to say the words he wanted to say long ago. In fact, he thought that Leslie should be the one to say them first, considering that her feelings for him were just catching up to his feelings for her.
Even if Leslie didn't know or suspect all of that, she knew enough to want to spare him the awkwardness. In fact, Ben should have remembered that when Leslie Knope makes a mistake – like breaking someone's heart and not letting him mourn in peace so that he isn't temped to kiss her and destroy their careers anyway – she works overtime to never do it again when she realizes it. Even now, with her career on the line and on the brink of destruction, she was committed to sparing Ben any more bad or uneasy feelings because of her ever again.
If that was the case…..then any uneasy feelings she might still have about choosing him, or about the level of his commitment, needed to be destroyed. And for only the second time since the end of their first relationship, Ben decided to go with the Leslie-shaped center of his heart. But he would sprinkle some Ben-sized logic to go with it.
"Your Honor, I'd like to answer the prosecutor's questions about my feelings now. And if I have to stay under oath...I'd like my soon-to-be former boss to help me be honest. Chris….do you remember the day after you first told me about your dating policy?"
Chris then perked up from his seat at the prosecution table. "Of course! I ran a barely above average 8 miles going into work that day. Then I balanced it out with an above average 700 sit-ups, and I was in the middle of my failed attempt to break my push up record when you came to see me. Your pupils were dilated, you failed to finish a complete sentence, and your chi threw off the room temperature for a good 8 minutes after you left."
"Do you know why I threw it off for that long? It was because I intended to hand you my resignation, and I couldn't do it."
"Objection, move to strike and question client's sanity!" Ben figured Leslie would blurt something like that out in shock and panic. But after admitting this much already, he was just starting to get on a roll.
"That actually does cut to the real heart of it. The fact is that beneath this plaid loving nerd is a cuckoo crazy person. Maybe that's the other reason I actually fit in here. Maybe it helps explain why I took an assistant city manager's job just to be close to Ms. Knope, without her asking me to until I actually took the job. Maybe it explains why after Chris told me I would lose my job for dating an employee like Ms. Knope, and after she then asked me out the next day before knowing about the rule….I thought of quitting a job I took just a week earlier."
"Of course I was still sane enough to know I was insane, and that's why I was too cowardly to go through with it when I saw Chris. It was also because I knew Ms. Knope would find my insanity out when I did it, and that couldn't bode well. She stayed sane and tried to resist breaking the rules at every turn, but my craziness won out. But she recovered and was sane enough to choose a lifelong dream over a crazy psycho like me."
"It did kind of foil my nutty plan to resign for her once we secretly dated long enough. After we broke up, it did almost make me resign anyway because…..my failure made me too sad and crazy. But after being so bitter and so much of a jackass….justified or not….I just flipped the switch and went crazy again for her anyway. And that's why we confessed and you're about to top my crazy by firing her. I think we just established how hard it'd be to top my insanity, but here we are anyway."
"Clearly I'm too unstable to work in this job….one I only halfway wanted all along. So I guess the sane thing to do would be to fire me and keep the much saner Ms. Knope around. Most of her insanity around here in the last few months was due to me anyway. So letting me just be her private citizen boyfriend should stabilize her too."
"Ob…..objection, most of my insanity?" Leslie objected, although after all that Ben had said, her lawyerly outrage didn't sound so convincing.
"The rest of it would be the good craziness that has helped Pawnee for years….and me for about one of them. Why would you want to sacrifice that just because a lovesick, irrational, delusional, proven human disaster like me put her overboard for a while? Those are my unstable feelings for Leslie….and the only logical thing I can think of is to get them out of City Hall instead of her. That's my answer, councilor."
The prosecutor, judge, Leslie, Ron, Chris and everyone else had no answer to that. So this gave Ben room for one final word or two.
"Oh, and the short answer is that I'm in love with Ms. Knope. But I used a giant speech to say that instead…..just the kind of psycho talk that deserves to get fired alone."
With no more speeches or insanity defenses to reason with, Ben finally turned his full focus to a shocked and jaw-dropped Leslie. He hoped that his….unique confession would stop her from being mad that he was fine with getting fired. Or at least stop her from being creeped out at how lovesick he was back then. That was exactly why he didn't step down or confess sooner, yet with her career on the line and his….more expendable….there was no point in holding back now.
"I….literally have no words for follow up questions," the prosecutor said – so flustered that he was even quoting his client. That drew a laugh from Ben and one from Leslie – but the tiny little in love smile that showed up on Leslie right before that laugh told Ben a lot more.
It told her that maybe he was insane not to do what he wanted in the first place before it got this far. But also that even if the insanity defense failed….he might not be given a reason to truly lose his mind and willingly stay away from Ms. Knope ever again.
The judge then spoke up, although Ms. Knope and Mr. Wyatt were not in the same world as him right now. "Thank you for that….unique testimony. The witness is excused."