A Ghost from the Past

by VisualIDentificationZeta

SUMMARY: Sometimes the past returns to haunt us, most of the time with us helpless to do anything about it. But maybe, just maybe we can use the opportunity to set things right.

TITLE: A Ghost from the Past

AUTHOR: VIDZ

SEASON: 5, AU

WARNING: minor character death, past death of a child

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc of the TV show JAG are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author of this fic. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

SUMMARY: Sometimes the past returns to haunt us again, most of the time with us helpless to do anything about it. But maybe, just maybe we can used the opportunity to set things right.

X

When he woke up that morning Harm had no idea the turn his life would take again. Ghosts from the past he was sure he'd laid to rest would be awoken again, revealing the wounds he was sure had been healed, were as fresh as always.

He certainly didn't expect that morning's staff call to go as it was about to.

"First order of business, people. The designators finally managed to find us some new blood to relieve some of the case load. The first JAG is arriving today, the rest will be trickling in over the next couple of weeks. In fact, she should be here any..."

A knock on the door interrupted him and his head jerked in that direction.

"Enter!" he commanded, before turning back to them "Right on time. People, this is Lieutenant Loren Singer..."

Harm didn't hear the rest because he felt as if someone had punched him in the gut when his eyes landed on the woman he'd never be able to forget, for the first time in years. Not since Sergei...

Dear god, she's still so beautiful.

The young, petite woman in question let her eyes sweep over her new coworkers, before they finally caught sight of him and to Harm's great pain the deep blues suddenly blazed in a chilling fire as her entire body, together with facial features, hardened. Pulling her attention away from him she greeted the Admiral and nodded a greeting to the rest of the assembly, before quietly finding an empty place at the table.

The rest of the briefing flew by in a blur for Harm as he was completely concentrated on the woman on the farthest side of the table, while trying to act as if he wasn't, as if he was completely paying attention to what his CO was saying. It wasn't easy.

As all good and bad things come to an end, so did that torture as well. As soon as the Admiral dismissed them Harm rose, having already stowed everything in his briefcase and started making his way to the newcomer who was being accosted by a few other members of the staff as they welcomed her.

Mac, for some reason sensing he was giving the new woman too much attention, intercepted him before he could reach Loren, using some old case as an excuse, leaving him to stare desperately after the blonde almost racing out of the conference room

x

But JAG HQ wasn't big enough for her to evade him forever and within a few hours he managed to track her down with no-one else around.

"Loren." Harm breathed, seeing the shoulders of the small, slim woman before him stiffen before she slowly turned around.

"That's Lieutenant Singer to you, Commander." she corrected him, her eyes and voice icy. That cut him more than he'd expected, he'd really believed that whatever bond they'd had, hadn't died with Sergei completely.

"So, you're a Singer now, huh?" he asked, his voice soft, regret more pronounced than any bitterness.

"What's it to you?" she bit back, scowling.

Eyes sad, he ran his hand through his hair in frustration, other hand on his hips, sighing heavily "Nothing. It's apparently not my place."

"That's right." she spat "My life really isn't your concern. Now, Commander, please stop harrassing me, I've got work to do."

Glaring at him for one last time she turned and stalked off.

He growled in anger, storming after her, absently glad the corridor was empty, otherwise they would've been putting on a courts-martialable show "Goddamnit, Loren, I'm your..."

Her eyes were like glacial ice as she rounded back on him "Correction. You were, Commander, you're not anymore."

"So, help me God, Loren, stop this crap right now!"

"You don't have the right to say something like that anymore."

Harm was shaken by the intensity of anger and hate he could see reflecting in the eyes that had once been warm and open.

Watching her stalk off he couldn't help but sink back into misery and depression that had been his faithful companion for so long.

What happened? Is there still any hope left? Will we really never heal from Sergei's death?

x

If Loren thought he would give up just like that, she had another thing coming.

He gave her a few days to calm down before he struck next. Unfortunately it went even worse than the first time, their argument escalated and became louder, finally attracting the attention of the Admiral walking down a nearby corridor.

"Is there a problem here?" the Admiral growled, angry eyes going from one to the other.

"No, sir." "Yes, sir."

They glared at each other as they gave opposing claims.

Please, Loren, let us talk this out between ourselves. You don't need to get the Admiral involved.

"Is that so?" the old man's eyes shot daggers at them "Is the Commander harrassing you, Lieutenant?"

To her credit, not that meant for much since she still did it, Loren had a second thought before confirming "Yes, sir."

Harm's face fell and he felt a blooming pain spread through his chest, making it hard for him to breathe.

"Commander?" the tone in his voice was deeply dangerous and threatening "You've got two seconds to explain yourself before I throw you in Leavenworth and melt the god-damn key!"

Harm forced air through his lungs and it made it a little easier for him to get the words out "We're family, sir."

A sharp hiss could be heard from beside him, then the scathing tones of the small woman gouged even deeper wounds into his heart.

"Not anymore, Commander. Whatever we were, died with Sergei. You just refuse to accept it."

Seeing the pain in Harm's eyes at her words a suspicion came to life in the Admiral's mind. It was obvious he hadn't wanted whatever had happened and was trying to save what he felt was still possible or worthy of saving. He just needed the man to confirm it, otherwise he'd have to do something he'd hate.

"What is going on here?"

Figuring he had nothing to lose Harm went for full disclosure "I'm trying to restore my family, sir, get back what I lost and lost my composure in the process. It will never happen again, sir."

Chegwidden nodded, satisfied his suspicion had been confrmed because if it was any other scenario he would've been severely disappointed with the Commander. He knew it was well within his right to demand who and what Sergei had been, but he felt reluctant to. The topic was clearly deeply painful to the both officers in question and he really didn't want to get that person if it could still be avoided.

"After we're done here you will each secure for the day, go home and cool down, before returning tomorrow with a new attitude. I won't tolerate another scene like this, got that? Keep it out of the office, whatever it is between you two, or you'll both get transferred, one to Adak and the other to Keflavik where you'll stay for the rest of your 20, cleaning toilets and wiping polar bears' asses. Is that clear?"

This time they were of one mind "Aye, sir."

Chegwidden gave them one last considering look, then turned and slowly walked away.

As soon as he was gone Loren gave Harm a scathing glower, then she too stomped off.

Looking after the statesque woman Harm exhaled in sadness, his shoulders drooping. How could it have all gone so wrong?

How would he fix it?

Was it even possible?

Was there even enough left to fix?

Was it even worth it?

x

Sarah Rabb welcomed her grandson with open arms, but those faltered in dread when Harm just stood there by his car, devastated expression in his eyes. The last time he'd looked like that...

"What's wrong?" she asked, fearing the answer.

Harm took a couple of breaths, as if it was difficult for him to even breathe "Loren is back."

"Oh?" Sarah looked up at her tall grandson.

"Yeah, she's finished her studies and is a JAG now. Was transfered to DC last week."

"How is she?" Sarad asked, treading cautiously.

"I don't know." Harm shrugged, his voice heavy with misery "She won't talk to me..."

Then he looked up and Sarah could feel her heart break anew at the anguish her grandchild was yet again being put through. As if losing Sergei hadn't been enough... Sarah Rabb was a peaceful and kind woman, but it was times like these she hated her ex-grand-daughter-in-law with a passion.

"She still hates me, Grandma."

Tears filled her eyes as she murmured "Oh, honey" and took him into her arms.

Feeling his large body shudder against her in self-restraint and his eyes stayed dry, but red, she wished yet again that he would just let himself cry. There were 5 years of tears and emotions needing to be released.

x

"Will you go visit him later?" Sarah asked even though she knew it was a pointless question. Everytime Harm came for a visit to the farm, he visited the family graveyard on the other side of the property. Five generations of Rabbs were buried there, on a hill, under a linden tree.

"Yeah."

x

It was an hour later that Harm got off the horse and tied it's reins to a nearby tree's branch.

With heavy steps he approached the low fence and pushed open the squeaky door, deciding he needed to oil the hinges before he went back to DC. DC, not home. This farm was home.

Passing the few rows of markers he finally stopped in front of the latest, just a little over 5 years old.

Slowly lowering himself down to sit in the Indian style in front of the grave his eyes moved to the russian name as he again had to fight emotions from overwhelming him.

It'd been so long, going on five and a half years, yet the scabs were still as fresh as if it had been yesterday.

He doubted they would ever heal.

x

Heeding the Admiral's order Harm settled in for a war of attrition. While he could still remember just how stubborn Loren could be (it was hard not to since the proof was right in front of him every day), this time he swore she wouldn't win no matter what it took.

In one of his more humor-inclined hours he considered organizing a debate face-off, sort of like a mock trial (they WERE both trial lawyer after all) in which they would have the chance to either clear the air or he could convince her to fix what was broken, but quickly dismissed it. Loren wouldn't go along with it, that he knew with absolute certainty.

He knew his presence at HQ and having to work with him unsettled her, but if he knew something about her, it was that Loren being off-balance was something he could work with. The problem was, she knew that just as well and was even more biting and defensive than normally to make sure that didn't happen. The fact that she protected herself like that against him, that she even felt the need to protect herself from giving in, soured his mood.

That was why he decided on a new tactic that walked quite dangerously on the line of breaking Admiral's orders and even perhaps harrassment, though that last one would be really hard to prove. The core of this cunning new strategy of his was that he made sure he was always somewhere near her, always in her line of sight or hearing, making sure she was constantly aware of him, but didn't address her more than absolutely necessary.

By always finding good excuses for his presence and never approaching her was the point of this tactic... he wasn't going against the Admiral's orders AND there were no grounds for any complaint of harrassment if she were annoyed enough to actually go for it. If he was truthful with himself, he was quite proud over coming up with this, he wasn't breaking any rules or orders, just bending them. Something he was good at and something that had always yielded positive results before. If you don't fight for what you want, you'll never get it.

Sad thing was, he considered, that ignoring the newest member of the staff didn't arouse any suspicion because nobody talked to her as it was. Loren made damn sure she was unapproachable to everyone else just as much as she made herself to him.

It pained him to think just how much she had changed. She'd been so full of life, happy and open, always smiling. People had liked her and she'd had no problem making friends.

Now...

Sighing, Harm tried to banish thoughts of the past. They served no purpose, only torturing him more with how things had once been, so much nicer than now.

Through the next months he could see his tactic working, Loren's facade and composure was slowly, but steadily crumbling. He was getting to her and that gave him hope.

It was four long months after Loren's first appearance at HQ that Harm deemed the time was ripe to act.

Feeling dirty like some creepy stalker, but knowing he had no other choice unless he wanted to bring attention to himself by checking her Page 2; Harm followed Loren home one day to find out where she lived.

The next time, the day he decided to act, he arrived there before her, so was waiting for the rebellious woman by the entrance door when she arrived home from work.

By the time she looked up from her purse after the search for keys and caught sight of him, it was already too late to to escape, avoid or put her walls up.

His sudden appearance in what she considered her safe zone caught her unawares and with her emotions right on the surface.

"Loren." he uttered her name huskily, affected by her as he'd always been, and at the sight of her big blue eyes glistening Harm couldn't help himself. Taking her into his arms he swallowed any protest she could've made with his plundering mouth.

He could hear her whimper before her small frame turned boneless and she sank into his larger form. Her small fingers were like claws as she grabbed onto his shirt as if she wanted to sink into him, her lips and tongue working savagely at his.

Then suddenly she stiffened and roughly broke their hold.

"You bastard!" she screamed and before he knew what was happening, Harm felt his left cheek burn.

Suddenly aware of what she'd done and horrified she'd actually raised a hand another human being Loren pulled her hand back to her chest, eyes wide as tears welled up, her emotions finally too strong to be contained any longer.

They were like a tidal-wave battering at a dam over the course of years and with their persistence finally creating a crack in the armoured concrete. That crack quickly spread, resulting in the entire structure integrity failing and letting trillions of gallons of water to flood the valley beyond.

There was no going back, for the good or for the bad things were going to be said that had been held back for too long.

"Our baby..." tears choked her up and she had to struggle to regain her voice "Our little baby boy is... gone... and it's all your fault! And now you come here and act as if you still have all the right to kiss me!"

"I'd like to name him Sergei," Loren smiled softly as she took Harm's hand and put it on her swollen belly "after deduška (dedooshkah - russian: Grandpa) Sergei."

Her words hit into Harm like bullets, he could feel genuine physical pain as each hit it's target, and by the time she was done he was in an agony that was almost too much to bear.

"You were so busy getting your career back on track that you broke a promise to your son! You PROMISED to be there to take him to see the Lion King, it was supposed to be your father/son evening. But no, your job had to come first so instead of being home you were doing your paperwork. You broke your promise." Loren choked up on tears, forcing herself to finish the sentece "And Sergei died because of it. He was so hurt that you weren't there that I took him and then..."

The words were worse than blows with a sword, because he knew they were the complete truth.

He'd broken a promise to his son and it had cost Sergei his life. Had he been there to go with him, the crash wouldn't have happened because with he and Loren being two different people and the circumstances and timing of leaving for the cinema, the speed of driving, the route taken, stoplights caught, etc. all would've been different.

Keeping this in mind and considering some other variables coming into the mix, odds were about million to one that their car wouldn't have been in that exact spot in that exact second when that drunk idiot went careening into it through a red light at full speed. They would've either been a couple of seconds/minutes late or early and that would've been enough to avoid the disaster.

It's always a matter of timing.

It was in the aftermath of Sergei's death that Harm had promised himself never to break another promise no matter what.

Added pain doesn't create joy when mixed with the pre-existing one, only notches up the misery, and before he could stop himself Harm erupted in emotions that had been suppressed for way too long.

"You don't think I know that? You don't think I blame myself every single day?"

Loren snorted.

"Yeah, sure, you're really heart-broken. Now that you're finally O5 and your career is on track, you have everything you always wanted. Sergei and I were just a mill-stone you were glad to finally be rid off so you could dedicate yourself to your true love." she spat cruelly, dismayed at the words leaving her mouth, but completely incapable of stopping them.

Harm looked at her in shock. Is that what she really thinks? Has she always felt that way? Even when we were happily married and, as I always believed, in love? Did she really think she and Sergei were just a hindrance, something I didn't want, a problem? Didn't I show them at every opportunity how much I loved them and that they meant the world to me?

But for the first time in years Harm had been inspired with a holy fire to bring this to it's conclusion, to stop letting it brew, no matter what it included or where it took them. Angrily he pulled his leather billfold from his pocket, took something out and then put the wallet back.

"See this?" he demanded, taking her hand and pulling her closer so she could see what he held.

Loren's throat closed when she realized he was holding a 9mm cartridge, with a deep cross carved into it's tip. Had you asked her any other time, she would've confidently say Harm would never hurt her, even after what she'd done to him, but seeing the bullet and the wild look in his eyes, right that moment she was afraid of him for the first time in her life.

The terror spread through her body, like a vile taste, a taste she found she didn't care for, and there was suddenly a big hole inside her. It took her a moment to realize what it was and she nearly cried when she did. The hole was right where the feeling of protection and security she'd always gotten from Harm had resided, where it had been even these past years after she'd left him.

Even after their divorce, even after her hateful, cutting words to him, even after all the hot, blinding hate she'd felt for him, she'd still unknowingly relied on him to protect her, keep her safe. Knowing Harmon Rabb Jr she'd known that had she been threatened at any point during the last 5 years, she only had to call him and he would've been there, saving her, no matter how much she'd hurt him.

That's who Harm was.

Now, staring at that small deadly piece of metal, Loren was afraid. Terrified of Harmon Rabb for the first time she'd known him, because deep down inside herself she was aware of how she'd been acting towards him, that he didn't deserve any of it, and that she probably deserved some kind of punishment even if not this.

Loren had no doubt the bullet before her eyes was deadly. This was no ordinary cartridge, this was one modified to kill with impudence. The deep scars into the metal tip were there to make sure the bullet would explode once entering the body of it's victim, it's fragments dealing so much damage that death would be inevitable, unless it hit a limb and even then an immediate medical help would be needed for a destroyed artery.

She was prepared for everything, but not for his next words.

x

"This is for me."

Against her will, against her conscious mind, years of spite, anger, bitterness, resentment and malevolence she felt outrage and agony at the idea of him using it on himself. Taking away from her the only person she still had, the last member of her family, even though she'd been actively pushing him away for years, was a scenario she was unwilling to accept.

As she tried to tell herself it was because he deserved much worse than a quick, merciful death, this strong part of her disputed that claim.

"I tried to to do it, to kill myself... but I didn't have the courage..." Harm croaked, fighting his own battle with tears "I was too much of a coward to pull the trigger. Oh, I had the bullet in the barrel, the barrel in my mouth and my finger on the trigger, but I could never find the balls to pull it, even though I deserved it."

Loren felt a niggle at her conscience as she watched this strong man, the strongest man she knew, fall apart before her eyes.

"Do you know what it felt like when I got the call that my son was dead and my wife in a coma, and they didn't even know whether she would survive, because they got in the way of some stupid drunk idiot? I've never felt so much pain before, not even when Dad was shot down. It felt like someone had taken my heart, lungs, stomach... my entire body in a steel vise and was squeezing it for all they were worth. I couldn't breathe, my legs couldn't hold me and it took damn Brovo to order me to get myself together to even be able to stand back up! They had to drive me to the hospital because I was shaking so much I couldn't even hold a phone! And when I got into your room... there were so many wires and bandages I couldn't even take your hand. I had just lost my only child and my wife's life was hanging on by a thread and I couldn't even hold her hand to at least let her know I was there if I lost her too!

"Because of a one drunken idiot, I lost my entire family... my life... I lost my little boy... and I lost you. And I never knew which hurt more... the fact that you blamed me for our son's death... or that you were right..."

Tears spilling down his cheeks for the first time in too many years, Harm's eyes bored into hers as he held her by her upper arms. Loren was completely ignorant of everything, all she saw was the indescribable hurt and agony in his stormy oceans, echoing her own so perfectly as the memory of those awful times came back as vivid as if she was living them again. Glaring at her, Harm ground out.

"Through good times and bad, through happiness and sorrow, through sickness and health, remember? We swore that to each other! We promised! And when the time came you didn't let me stand by you, YOU didn't stand by ME when I NEEDED you. He was my son too! I loved him just as much as you did. But as much as I hated myself for not being home when I promised, I still needed you, you were all that I had. I loved you two more than my own life and I lost you both."

He let her go then and Loren had to catch herself against the building because she wasn't sure she could remain standing without his strength to hold her up. Crossing her arms over her upper abdomen, covering a womb that felt curiously achingly empty even though nothing had inhabited it for 10 years, she twisted into the foetal position from the sheer pain of loss, brought back after she had started to believe she'd turned her heart to ice enough not to be hurt by anything anymore.

Harm turned with his back to her and ran a hand once through his hair, as he continued with a croaking voice.

"I had to organize and attend a funeral for my son, while still not knowing whether I'd be burying my wife in the next few days too. And then I did lose you. Not to death, but it didn't hurt any less. And I didn't know how to stop it or what to do."

A strange sensation was radiating from the center of her chest, prompting her to rub to alleviate. But no matter how much she rubbed, it didn't disappear. It took her a while to realize what it was.

It wasn't physical, it was an emotional pain in a place she'd believed had turned to ice and died off ever since she'd awoken from her coma.

And it wasn't just any kind of anguish, it was the kind of suffering that comes only when you experience someone'e elses hurt as if you're the one in pain and that made her startle because she knew what it meant.

Even under all the layers of hurt and anguish and pain and agony and self-recrimination, recriminations and resentment, all layered thicker and thicker as the years went by, underneath all of that there was still a hardy, resilient coccoon of love. It had stubbornly resisted all of her attempts to squash it into oblivion and it was now growing, reminding her it was still there. The coccoon's walls were also splitting, threatening to release their insides back into her being where they'd been in charge for so long, to take her over again and melt the Ice Queen.

Seed of love that had only needed one moment where there would be no walls up and no guard to protect her, to suddenly send a blindingly bright light through her entire being.

Loren was unable to drive back the flood of who she'd been as it vaporated all of the hostility she felt for the man before her. Imbued with this power, she pushed herself off the wall and took a step towards him.

"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you ever say ANYTHING?" she pleaded, wiping at her eyes.

"Would it have helped?" Harm volleyed back bitterly, not noticing Loren's preoccupation "You were in a coma for two weeks and when you awoke and found out what happened you stopped talking to me. You completely ignored me. I was afraid that if I stopped for a second, it would overwhelm me and the worst thing was that I knew you wouldn't be there if I fell apart. I knew you wouldn't be there when I needed you the most! Sure, mom and Frank were there, but they were dealing with their own grief and it wasn't them I needed. I needed my WIFE, I needed the woman I loved, who was too busy cultivating her hate of me and drowning in her own sorrow.

"I needed my wife and she then filed for a divorce. I was fighting you every step of the way, trying to save what was left of our marriage while you were determined to destroy it, and all that time I was hoping inside I would just wake up and realize this was all just a nightmare and that you were sleeping next to me and Sergei was still safe in his room. And then the realization came crashing down that I really have lost everything and everyone I ever loved and then I stayed strong because I had nothing else left. And through it all was the knowledge that it really was my fault. I lost the track of time because it was an important case that Brovo assigned me and when I realized what time it was, it was already too late. And because I the stupid idiot wanted to work in peace I stashed myself into the Law Library where I couldn't be reached and my stupid phone's battery died. I promised Sergei, I broke my promise and because of that he... And I have to live with that and will have to live with it until I can either find the courage to finish it or someone else does it for me."

The last of Loren's resistence, hate and anger was washed away as she listened to Harm's ramblings and saw the guilt and torment in her ex-husband's eyes and heard his words of self-recrimination.

Knowledge was confirmed then, something she had known all along, but had refused to acknowledge because she'd been grieving. With Harm having been the nearest and most convenient target it hadn't taken her long for her wrought emotions to decide he was to blame for everything and then her behaviour had escalated until she had destroyed their marriage and whatever they'd had between them.

It had taken a messy divorce (though to her credit she hadn't taken away everything he'd had as she'd just wanted to be separated from his as fast as possible), five years of separation, complete lack of communication, transfer into his office and thus forced to finally face each other, another four months and ultimately an emotional final confrontation to open her eyes.

It wasn't Harm's fault.

It wasn't her fault, as she'd secretly blamed herself as well.

Their child's death was nobody's but that drunken driver's fault. It was that stupid bastard that shouldn't have gotten into his truck, drunk, in the first place that was the only one to blame. The second he'd gotten in his car, it had only been a matter of minutes before he would've killed someone.

Everything else was just a misfortunate chain of coincidences that had lead to a tragedy for the Rabb family.

With it came another truth that she couldn't deny: she still loved Harmon Rabb Jr., just as much as she had the first time she'd held their baby son in her arms.

Yet, what she right? Had she really completely destroyed what they'd had, their love, their bond, their relationship...? If that was so, why then was Harm still here, five years later, still fighting for them?

Even though he had reluctantly given in to her demand for a divorce, his capitulation had not been without a long and fierce fight. And he was still fighting... he had come here to fight for them. Five years later. Did he still love her? Was there still hope? Hope to regain what they'd had, hope for her to fix what she'd so determinedly and meticulously vandalized on her way out?

The walls of the coccoon had been blown wide open, breached, allowing her true feelings for the man before her to take her over.

He loved her. She loved him. Still. After so long.

Oh god, I've been such a bitch to him. I've hurt him so much, I've let him hurt himself. Oh god, he almost killed himself! What if he had killed himself?

Loren's face crumbled, suddenly awash in torrents of tears as her knees refused to hold her up anymore.

Deep down she'd known he wouldn't let her fall, so she wasn't surprised when she felt strong arms stop her descent and draw her into a strong body. The tight hold he had on her infused her with even more warmth and hope.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." she sobbed, clinging to him for her life, as she felt him do the same.

"Me too, me too." he rasped into her hair. And then came the words she hadn't know she was still hoping to hear "I love you. Damn me to hell, but I still love you, you foolish woman."

Unable to speak she tightened her hold as her sobs escalated.

How can I ever make up for what I did to him? Even after all that, he's still here for me, still loving me, still holding me. I don't know how, but I promise you, honey, I'll find a way to make it all up to you!

Burying her face in his chest, she let herself heal in his love.

They held each other for a long time as they finally grieved together, letting go of the past, as they looked ahead to the future.

A future as they'd been meant to have... together.

x

EPILOGUE

THE RABB FAMILY FARM

4 YEARS LATER

.

Here lies SERGEI RABB

5/29/1990 - 8/10/1994

"Hey, kid, sorry for being away so long, but life finally seems to be settling down.

This is our first time off since I was promoted and given FJA in London two years ago. It forced your mom and me out of the standstill we got into because we were too afraid to re-take the next step, too afraid of failing again and hurting each other; and gave us that kick in the six we so desperately needed. I'm still terrified she'll suddenly realise that life as a Navy Reservist, Navy wife and full-time mother is not for her, but for now she's giving no such hints. In fact she's working hard on getting certified to practice law in the UK, so I guess this means she's determined it's really the long haul this time. I don't know any other woman who'd do this if they were in her position, they would just give up before starting, consider it a waste to do all the work and study so much, but as you know, rarely anyone can match your mom in her drive. I'm definitely not complaining, I just feel sorry for the poor Brits... they don't know what's about to hit them!"

*chuckle, then an even brighter tone*

"And, hey, you're an older brother! You always kept asking us to give you a baby brother or a sister, now you finally have them. They're just over a year old and are right now being fussed over by their grandparents and Gramma. Two for the price of one, can you imagine?"

A sad sigh, followed by a short pause as Harm gathers his thoughts.

"I can't. From time to time I still have trouble believing everything that's happened. That you're gone, that your mom and I divorced and spent so many years apart, or that she even hated me for a time. What I have most trouble believing is that we're finally back together again and that things, finally, seem to be going our way. Her pregnancy surprised us cause we weren't even trying. I guess it was just meant to be.

"The years apart... I still catch myself waking up with that crushing sense of loss and loneliness that was my companion for so long. The first minute I'm awake I still find myself dreading getting up to force myself through yet another empty day. But then I turn my head and there she is, right where she belongs and life suddenly has sense and joy and happiness again."

A sniffle at his side draws his attention away from the grave to his wife leaning on his side. Smiling, the pain this time a little duller, he gently kisses the crown of her head and pulls her closer into him, reveling in her eager acceptance of his touch.

"It still hurts, but we've finally realised that life goes on, so we have to as well."

Harm looks at Loren, asking mutely if she wants to say something, smiling at her nod. Leaning forward to touch the cool stone and trace the name with her fingers, she feels Harm's arms wrap around her for support, and begins with a scratchy voice that needs a throat clearing before she continues.

"It's been ten years, honey, and we still miss you. We'll never stop. You'll always be our baby, our first child and I promise you, your siblings will know their older brother.

"Even though he's a little surprised I know your Dad supports and understands my decision to qualify in the UK. Michael and Katya are a lot of work and I love them, but I also need a mental challenge, otherwise I'd go nuts. I dunno when we'll get back to the US and by the time I will have passed all the exams and get my bar, the twins will be old enough for kindergarten and I'll be actually able to start doing some real work again, instead of wasting my time at home and being bored.

"But what I... what WE will never do, is forget you, our little darling boy. Until the day we join you wherever you are, don't forget we love you.

"After all, we're family."

The Beginning

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