Of Nobodies and Emotions;
A FanFiction by Ungerade Kugel
"Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?"
- Liz Phair, 'Why can't I?'
Zexion knew that Nobodies couldn't feel. Knew that they didn't have hearts. Knew that they were emotionless shells of what was once a human being.
So why, why, when Xion escaped and Axel would sigh, stand and 'port off, did he feel jealousy? Why, when Roxas went to leave, and Axel said that he'd miss him, that it hurt?
It was obvious. Zexion couldn't even approach Axel without realising that if he even tried to start a conversation, the contemptuous sneer that never suited the redhead would appear on his face. Xion tried to escape, time and again, but Axel always brought her back. Roxas was a newbie, but Axel, a Nobody who couldn't feel, would miss him.
Zexion was the youngest of the six scientists. He thrived on logic, he worked hard, he was highly intelligent. So why, why couldn't he even work up the courage to say sorry to Axel? He hadn't done anything - why would you? - but Axel still hated him. He just needed to grow a pair and apologise. But he couldn't.
He'd just watched those few times he had the chance filter through his fingers.
So, instead, he worked harder. He became more intelligent. He read and read and read. Anything to take away the cold, cruel hand that was crushing the void where his heart should've been. He became more reclusive, going out only for missions and reports for Superior.
Everyone knew why, too. The scientists figured it out pretty quickly, considering his behaviour changed when number VIII arrived. Saïx knew too. Larxene knew, she was a girl, she picked these things up. Same with Namine. Marluxia was so girly he might as well have counted. Luxlord was intelligent, sort of, he got it soon enough. Even Demyx knew, so it must've been obvious.
Everyone but the Flurry of the Dancing Flames himself. The stupid, annoying, irritating, vulgar, charming, funny, gorgeous, intriguing man. And, as hard as it was, the fact that a tiny, minuscule sliver of hope still lived made the non-heartache so, so much worse.
--
In his hands was the latest report to Xemnas. It was late at night, the only people up would be him and the Superior himself. Zexion bit down slightly on his tongue, looking out onto the heart-shaped moon that was Kingdom Hearts. Somewhere in there, his heart was beating madly, giving him this much grief even though it was no longer attached. If this is the heartache muted, Zexion pondered, is it really worth having my heart back? A long, gusty sigh sifted through his lips, before the usual apathetic mask came back in place. A moment too late, it seemed, as a voice spoke up from behind him.
"You miss it too?" The older man asked, and Zexion froze. No, no, nononononono! He bit down on his tongue again, slowly turning towards the other, and, almost instantly, wished he hadn't. The redhead stood there, leaning against a pillar, staring out a window. The moonlight washed over his body, showing the lean, non-covered chest muscles perfectly. It was almost as if Fate was taunting the younger, slate-haired one, showing him everything he wanted but couldn't have. Without his mind conjuring the words, his mouth began to speak, much to his dismay.
"Yes, I do. It's… hard, not being able to feel." Though the apathetic mask was still in place, Zexion almost winced at his own words. What a horrible, horrible lie. What he wouldn't give to get rid of this heartache. Axel smiled slightly at his words, almost as if he had not expected a response - though why would he be ignored? - and nodded slightly, before turning to catch Zexion's eyes full on.
"Why have you been staying in your room so long?" He asked, and, if it were anyone else, Zexion would've said there was a touch of concern in his voice. But this was Axel, who was only asking to sate his own curiosity. The shorter froze for a second, before smoothly shrugging, desperate to turn away from the glowing green eyes, but unable to. He could've sworn he saw Axel frown at this, but it was gone a second later. "Everyone's been worried about you." His lips pursed. Zexion looked away.
Everyone except for you. He thought, before hearing a little noise. A haughty scoff, almost. He turned towards Axel, who's face was one of shock. "And why wouldn't I be worried?" Axel all but spat, his expression going from shock to one of confusion, anger - hurt? - and Zexion looked at him confused, before coming to the conclusion that he must've spoken his thoughts aloud. His face coloured deeply, his eyes turned to the tiled flooring.
"I didn't mean to say that aloud." He murmured, loud enough for the taller to hear. He looked at the report in his hands, hoping that maybe, maybe, he could use it as an escape route. However, Fate did hate him something awful, and footsteps came towards him. Fuck, fuck... The feet stopped about three yards in front of him.
"Why wouldn't I be worried?" The redhead repeated, though there was no almost-anger in his voice, just curiosity. Because I'm younger than you. Because I'll never be good enough. Because you'll always follow after those two traitors, but never me. Because I'm a child. Because I'm ME! The younger screamed inside his own head, but only shrugged on the outside.
"You've never cared before." He stated bluntly, listening as a sharp intake of breath, from Axel, weirdly, almost echoed at its loudness.
"Is that right?" The taller murmured, almost breathily. Zexion nodded, though it was obvious the question was rhetorical. He glanced up for a second, wondering why the other was so quiet. Axel was staring out one of the windows again, his cheeks hollow, as if he were biting on the inside of them. Only a second later had he turned his back to Zexion and started walking away, right hand waving slightly. "Whatever, Zex."
The shorter glanced at the redhead, dying to call him back, apologise for his actions, anything, but he froze, and the other man eventually drifted off down one of the many corridors in the castle. He bit down on his tongue, once again, before turning and walking to the Superiors' office. He would have to be more careful now. He would only come out when Axel was out on a mission, or just back from one. It hurt too much to talk to him, and to know he could never have what he truly wanted.
Stupid, stupid heart.