Greg was walking home, when an armada of owls began dropping their droppings on him.
Soon he was covered in a sticky mess of bird crap.
What the hell had all those owls been doing, he wondered.
Then an owl swooped very close to him, bite his nose, making him bleed, and dropped a letter at his feet.
Then Albus Dumbledore apparated in front of him, "IMPERIO!" yelled Albus, and Greg was brainwashed to try and make Harry Potter's life more downtrodden, as Albus was an evil evil mastermind.
Greg grabbed his letter and went home.
Immediately his mother took a ping pong paddle and began hitting Greg as hard as she could, screaming at him about why he was covered in jizz.
"This ain't jizz, you dumb cunt! It's bird shit!" Greg yelled back.
Suddenly Susan was enraged, "Did you swear at me, you dumb piece of shit! You know we tried to abort you!"
Suddenly Greg began crying and Susan grabbed him and dragged him to the bathroom, where she shoved bars of soaps down his throat to clean his filthy mouth.
As Greg began choking on the soap, Susan read the letter Greg brought.
It was about some pish-posh school called Dickwart or something like that.
All she knew was that Greg was not going to attend.
She shoved Greg back into the envelope, it was a tough fit, bet she made it work.
Then she ran outside and through into the owlnado that was forming.
It shot towards Privet Drive and impaled Voldemort who was on his way to kill Harry.
THE END.