You Say Hello and I Say Goodbye
Hi baby,
I have no clue what you liked to be called, but for the purpose of this letter, I'm going to call you Bee. Because that's what you were. My little Bee, who I had to let go into the summertime air and spend the next few months wondering what exactly happening to that small striped insect. My little baby Bee, who I had to let go of, despite the fact that I longed to keep her. Honestly, I wanted you, ever since the moment I found out I was pregnant. But I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep you, I was scared, sixteen and stupid. It would never have worked.
So I'm going to tell you the story, just so you can understand why exactly I wasn't able to keep you, Bee. Hopefully your mom held of on giving you this letter until you could comprehend what exactly I went through, but if she hasn't then I hope that you will read this back sometime in the future and then maybe you will understand. This letter is my only gift to you, writing on hospital stationary and with a pen your mom gave me. I've opted for a closed adoption, I figured that it would be best for both parties. Your dad however is going to receive emails from your mom every six months, detailing your progress and pictures, and I just hope that he won't share them with me. It's not that I don't want to see you, I do, it's just that I'm scared that if I do see those emails and look at those pictures then I'll want to snatch you back, and I couldn't do that to your mom. If you want to contact me after reading this, she has my details.
Okay, well, this whole thing started around eight-and-something months ago. I had attended a stupid high-school party, filled with kegs and drunken hook-ups, another party that was just trying to take away the utter boredom that came with living in Lima. I figured it would be a good excuse to snatch a couple of drinks and socialize, before going home. Little did I know that during that stupid high-school party I would become a part of the teenage pregnancy statistic that was roaring in urban America.
Unfortunately, attending that party I felt fat and horrible. I supposed the fat thing came with the whole approaching time of the month (I hope your mom has had the 'talk' to you, if not sorry Shelby!), and the horrible part came with being a Cheerio. Being constantly watched and weighed, yelled at if you gained a pound. If I had attended that part feeling like I was the best thing on earth, I'm sorry to say I wouldn't have even spared your dad a single glance let alone sleep with him.
He was my current boyfriend's best friend, and despite the whole fact that nothing was going to happen between us anyway, I really didn't like him. He was a stuck-up jock that flitted from girl to girl like a bee with flowers. I only tolerated him because he was Finn's best friend. I never imagined in a million years that I would sleep with him, and get pregnant by him.
But I did, and that changed everything.
Even at the start, when everything was looking so horrible I couldn't bear it, I found comfort in the fact that another living person was growing inside of me. The Lord called that a 'miracle' and that what you were, Bee. My little miracle, my baby who managed to be conceived despite the fact we used contraception. Most woman kill for the chance to have a baby, and try all the treatments and fork out thousands of dollars just to have a chance, and here I was, ready to lose you just because you were going to change my life.
So I kept you, despite all the fears and worries I had.
Everything went smoothly for a few months, I was still on the Cheerios, though it was becoming harder and harder for me to cover up my swelling stomach. Finn was trying his best to support me- you see, I had lied originally about the fact that I was pregnant by Puck, I blamed the pregnancy on a little 'accident' Finn had one time in my hot tub. (Again, sorry Shelby if you haven't explained the whole 'birds-and-the-bee's' gig to her!) And everyone believed me, and I had an adoption lined up. You were to go to a nice family, though the wife was a little crazy and delusional. You see, her husband was my school's Spanish teacher and Glee-club coordinator, and he was possibly the best man I had ever met. He was amazingly nice, and he cared about every single one of us. So I knew that even though his wife was a little bit loopy, you would have a perfect dad to cherish you, and when it comes down to it, that's all a little girl wants. A dad to love her, no matter her various faults.
My dad didn't love me, and I leant on Mr. Schue for some sort of fatherly-figure in my life. He was going through the same thing as I was after all, the baby growing inside me, you, was going to be adopted by him when I gave birth, and I just wanted to get to know him a little bit more. He was possibly the nicest man I had ever met, such a contrast to my own father, who was only nice when it suited him. He supported each and every one of us, even if we weren't the best dancers (Finn) or the best singers (Brittany) or were just plain confused on how life had gotten so messed up (me).
But then everything shattered around me, if that was even possible.
My parents found out that I was pregnant, and I was kicked out of home. Finn supported me, and that made me feel even worse- lying to this freaking nice guy, telling him that he was the father of my baby when I had cheated on him with his freaking best friend! I felt like such a stupid girl, but I didn't know when the best time to break the news to him was, or how to say it. I had nowhere to stay beside his house, after all. His mom took me in and then I felt even worse, dumping all this stuff (me and my problems) on this lovely woman who didn't deserve it. I knew I had to tell him, but I knew that once I did, I would have nowhere to go and no one to love me.
Then everything got worse. I felt like I was living in a sitcom, only this was real life and I had no break from it. Mr. Schue found out that his wife was pregnant and had been lying to him for the last few months, and thus my adoption was broken off. I had no prospects to turn to, no nice family to raise you. I only had Finn and a mattress in his basement. Nothing.
Your dad, even though he did turn out to be a nice guy in the end, didn't love me. I didn't think he was capable of such an emotion after all, he was Noah Puckerman, stud and womanizer. I didn't think he'd support me, even though he made attempts to, like giving me all the money he had towards my medical bills, giving me a book about raising a baby on only five dollars a day. Truth was, he had tried to make himself into some sort of expectant father, when Finn hadn't even tried. He was too busy chasing after Rachel Berry to try and convince her to stay in the club, because without her we'd have no chance in hell at winning anything. Even I knew that.
That was just one of the many differences between your dad and Finn. Despite the fact that he was Noah Puckerman, he was a pretty nice guy after all, and was willing to keep the baby when most guys would have refused to help me. I knew that I had to tell him, but eventually when I was trying to summon up the courage to tell him, someone else beat me to it.
Rachel Berry.
She was our shining star in New Directions, the only chance we had at winning anything. She was so much talented then any of us, and she knew it. Not that I liked her, I had despised her with ever fibre of my being since I found out of her quasi-flirtation with Finn, and only joined the Glee club because I wanted to stop anything from happening between them. But I grew to like her, in a friendship sort of way. If one didn't spend too much time around her, she was tolerable, and I didn't blame her for telling Finn. She had just had the guts to tell him, whereas I was shaking in the corner, scared for my future.
Finn and your dad got into a physical fight as soon as he had found out the truth about the father of my baby. I was so ashamed in myself, ruining this ten-year friendship just because I made a silly mistake one night. I hated my pregnancy at the moment, it had ruined everything. Not that I hated you Bee, no, I wouldn't trade you for a million dollars. You were my baby, and the Lord called every baby a 'miracle'. And you were, you were my miracle. You made me realise that your dad was a wonderful guy, and that I had loved him, even without knowing it.
It was no surprise that I found my stuff out on the street outside of Finn's house when I finished school for the day. I'd been expected it to happen, but it still hurt. So I loaded up my bags, left him a note saying that I was sorry and I hoped that he could forgive me, and ran away to Brittany's house. That was I was best at after all- running away. I had run away from this pregnancy at first, run away from telling Finn the truth, run away from my feelings towards Puck.
Finn had quitted the Glee club after his fight with Puck, and I felt even worse when he didn't turn up to the bus that was taking us to Sectionals. I blamed myself, naturally, though Puck told me not too. It was a surprise to everyone when Finn turned up ten minutes before we were performing, and I didn't expect the pang in my heart when he went straight away to Rachel. We had been in a relationship for so long, it was hard to not feel his arms around me, or see his smile. I knew that these feelings would die away soon enough, but they did hurt.
We won at Sectionals, naturally. Even though some of our set-list had been stolen and given to the other clubs by my old Cheerios coach, Ms. Sylvester, Rachel performed a rendition of 'Don't Rain on My Parade' that was sung perfectly, and our other songs were a complete hit. New Directions weren't quitters, after all. We sang to Mr. Schue after we returned, since he had missed out on our Sectionals performance, and nothing had felt better when I danced around with a hand on my stomach and sang. Glee club had grown on me, as had your father.
Everything seemly started to get better after it had shattered around me, your Dad took me in and his family were able to accept me without any regrets. His mother, although annoyed at the fact that her son had gotten a girl pregnant, showed no hostile feelings towards me and for that I was glad. I didn't need another person look at me and whisper names behind my back. Sure, I was pregnant, but it had only been my first time and I was nothing like those girls who stood on the corners late at night. I never would be.
Jesse St. James joined our glee club shortly after everything started to get better, doing so in order to be closer to Rachel. I didn't know how I felt about him, he was nice enough and certainly handsome, but I knew deep down that somehow he would do something to hurt Rachel. I didn't like the girl that much, but we'd sort of bonded in Glee, and I knew how hard heartbreak hurt. No one deserved that.
Me and your dad started a sort of relationship, hell even I didn't know what exactly we were. It was too early to define anything, too early to tread over the lines I had drawn around myself. We were spending every night together, either watching movies or just laying there, his hand on my stomach. It felt right, natural to be in his arms, and I really didn't know why.
He wanted to keep you, but I didn't see how that was going to work. Despite the circumstances that you were conceived in, you were still a baby, our baby, and you deserved better than what I could provide for you. You deserved the best schools, the best clothes, the best food, the best parents, and I could never give any of that to you. My father was still sending me money though he kicked me out, but it wasn't enough to keep a baby. I did want to keep you, I could think of nothing better than seeing you everyday, but it just wasn't fair to subject you to that sort of lifestyle. You deserved to be a princess, baby Bee, and I was going to try my hardest to make one.
I made a list the next week, a list that I deeply regretted. Ever since I had fallen pregnant and gotten kicked on the Cheerios, my self-worth had dropped. I was a nothing, nobody remembered my name. Nobody cared. So I sought revenge by placing myself right at the top of that list, and nothing had felt better. Even though I did seriously regret it, I learnt a lesson by making it.
And even though Puck and I weren't together, and we never ever would be, it did still hurt when I saw him seeking out other girls to lay his affection upon.
Nothing of importance to mention happened in the next few weeks- Glee club went on as usual, Rachel and Jesse broke up and he went back to Carmel High and Vocal Adrenaline, your father still held my hand tight in the halls and didn't care what anyone thought. I knew that I loved him, I probably had for a few months but had never realised. I think that he knew that I felt more than just friendship towards him, I knew that he felt strongly towards me. We never mentioned our feelings though, I think we were just both scared teenagers, faced with making a big decision in the next few months.
I started looking through every paper I could find, searching for adoption ad's (your father and I had recently watched Juno and I thought that it could be my salvation), too no luck. No one, it seemed, was adopting in Lima. I didn't know what I was going to do, didn't know what was going to happen. I just knew that I loved you more than anything on this earth, more than life itself, and I wanted the very best for you.
You dad sang me a song in Glee one day, after a fight we had. Beth, by Kiss. It was sweet and beautiful. I'd never been sung to before. He'd wanted to name you Jackie Daniels, which I deeply hated. It hurt, hearing him discuss possible names when I knew that I couldn't keep you. It just wasn't right. So, he proved himself smarter than I had ever realised. He sang to me, and I cried, even though it was probably just my hormones fault they were making me cry over anything these days. He said that he wanted to be there when you were born, and I agreed. He was proving himself to be a pretty nice guy, although he would never admit it.
I moved out of your dad's house one week, and started living in Mercedes' house. Mercedes Jones was the 'black diva' of Glee, and despite teasing her earlier this year when I had been a proud Cheerio, I had grown to like her. She was outspoken, and proud of her heritage. Plus, I was allowed to eat as much bacon as I liked at her house, something your father's mother had banned. We went shopping almost every day, and I had to tear myself away from the baby shops. It was silly to buy clothes and toy for a baby that I couldn't possibly keep, even if they were so adorable I almost cried at the sight of them.
Your dad did something so stupid that week. He and Finn, went and slashed the tires of Vocal Adrenaline's massive Range Rovers, paying them back from vandalising our choir room. It was so stupid, seriously, risking their education just in order to extract revenge. Even though I thought it was utterly silly, I would have gone with them if I could have hidden without been seen. Instead, I was the driver, taking Puck's truck and waiting while they did their deed in the dusk of night. He and Finn had to get jobs in order to pay back the damage they had done. I escaped punishment, thankfully. It was later that I discovered that Puck had lied about who had driven them to Carmel High, so I wouldn't be punished along with them. It just proved that he cared, and that really did tug on my heartstrings, even though I blamed it on my hormones as always.
We performed a funk number to Vocal Adrenaline, in reaction to Jesse St. James egging Rachel. Rachel was a devout vegan and so the thought of little baby chickens being cracked over her head distraught her so much that whole club felt her pain, and the boys wanted to extract revenge on the Vocal Adrenaline choir fully, but Mr. Schue talked them out of it and instead we just showed them what exactly they would be facing at Regionals.
You weren't due for a few more weeks, but that didn't really matter in the scheme of things. Babies came when they wanted to, and I was more scared then ever that you would be born early, when I hadn't arranged an adoption for you. I just wanted you to stay safe in my stomach forever and always, but I knew that wasn't possible. You would be born, and I would have to let you go.
If you love something, let it free.
My mother had often repeated that phrase many times before, and I found myself enthralled by it. I needed to let you go, so you could fly.
We went to Regionals, safe in our confidence that we would win this, or at least come second place. Ms. Sylvester was one of the coaches, but I had no doubt in mind that she would judge us fairly and not base our score on her own revenge. I never shared this thought with any of my fellow Glee clubbers though. Even though being heavily pregnant, I was more ready than ever to sing and dance my way to the top. At the start of the year singing had only been something I did in the shower, and dancing forced in order to be fit for Cheerios. But now, it meant so much more to me. It was a way of life.
My way of living.
We were the second performance at Regionals, after Aural Intensity, who clearly had been tipped off as to who was judging as they performed songs that weren't just a plain coincidence. Still, we weren't shaken. They weren't our main competition, Vocal Adrenaline was. If we beat them, then that would be something. Dressed in black suits baby, and gold ties, the boys were a contrast to our shimmering gold dresses. I had never felt better that when I walked on that stage and sang my heart out. Even cheerleading didn't compare to this.
Your grandma came and saw me after our performance, when we were anxiously awaiting Vocal Adrenaline's performance. I hadn't seen her for more than four months, and at the sight of her I just wanted to weep. She told me that she had kicked my father out, and was prepared to care for my baby if I decided to keep her. It had always been my choice, but I just wanted someone to make that choice for me, to make it easier. I really didn't know what to do.
But before I could even think about anything, water trickled down my legs. At first I thought it was just sweat, but then I knew. Babies came when they wanted to after all, and you were desperate to see the world Bee. Your dad and Mercedes accompanied me to the hospital, the rest of the Glee club would be coming after the results. As for our placing I'll put it simply. We lost. But that didn't matter at the time, right now I was concentrating on giving birth to you.
Your dad held my hand so tightly during your birth that I thought it was going to snap off. He was more scared then I was, and I could see why. For the past nine months you had been growing inside of me, but it hadn't seemed real. But now, faced with me giving birth, all the reality of our situation finally hit him.
You were born at 7:28 p.m on June the 8th, 2010. Just under two months premature, you were perfect. Tiny fingers, tiny hands, tiny feet and tiny toes. My perfect little baby, my little Bee. I knew what to call you the moment I saw you, but I resisted the urge to sign the birth certificate until I knew what exactly was happening with your future. You dad tapped you on the nose, grinning as he said a soft hello. Inside, I said goodbye. This was the beginning of a tragic end.
They took you away to check you up, to see if everything was alright, and I just sat there, lying on your dad until they brought you back and placed you in my arms. You were perfect, but you deserved better than I could give you.
So we waited for a miracle.
It came in the form of Shelby Corcoran, the director and coach of Vocal Adrenaline. She would be known to you as your mom. But to me, she was just a stranger, Rachel's birth mother and my salvation. She could have no more children, and even though she had Rachel she felt that if she was to enter her life it wouldn't mean much after all these years. She wanted to adopt you, and I didn't know what to do. Torn between keeping you, and letting you fly, my mind was whirling. I knew that you deserved a nice mother, a rich mother, a good mother. I was none of those things.
So I signed the adoption papers, and the only things that I gave you were your name and this letter. Your dad suggested the name, and I knew that it fit, so I agreed. Bethany Judy Corcoran. Judy was my mother name, but your mom was never going to reveal that, saying that your middle name was after Judy Garland instead. You were given away to her, and even though my heart pained to see you go, I knew it was the best.
Your dad held me as I sobbed through the night, my stomach flat where it had once been swollen. I missed it, I wished that you were still inside me, and would stay there until I could make the right decision and keep you.
So, Bee, Bethany Judy Corcoran, you now know my story. It's nothing of importance to the world, but it means more than anything to me, and possibly you. Just know this. If the circumstances had been better, and if I was older and wiser, I would have kept you. Hell, at the age of sixteen I still wanted to keep you. I hope that you don't hate me for the decision I made, and that you understand.
I love you more than life itself.
Your mother,
Quinn Fabray.
P.S: Please don't hate me. I couldn't bear that baby
Massive one-shot, big letter I know. Probably my last oneshot in my Baby-gate series, unless unforeseen circumstances occur. Review would be realllly nice for this!