A/N: I honestly do believe you'll either be grossly offended or laughing hysterically on the floor after reading this one. I'm quite happy with it. Rated M even though it's not super explicit because it's super… umm different. Enjoy and please, please, review. Reviews are the sustenance of my life.
JJ and Reid were hiding out in a corner of the bull pen, Reid steadily going through a pile of books and JJ chewing gum and playing with her hair when suddenly she had the idea that it was time to tell her deepest, darkest, most embarrassing secret. "Spence, I have something to tell you, but you can't tell anyone!"
"I won't. I don't talk about anything interesting! Just statistics!" Reid said proudly.
"Right…" JJ said. Then she continued in a whisper. "I… I don't know how sex works…"
Reid looked up from his book and whispered back. "Me, either."
Morgan who just happened to overhear because he had been following Reid in order to bask in his nerdy glow, laughed hysterically. "Ha-ha, nice joke Jayje. Way to get Reid to admit to that."
JJ's eyes filled with tears. "I am not joking! Someone please tell me how sex works!"
Morgan saw that she was serious and his jaw dropped immediately. At the yell Prentiss, Garcia, Rossi, Elle, and Gideon came to join the group.
"Seriously! ANYONE!" JJ said.
Morgan buried his face in his hands. Everyone else hummed and hawed and looked at the ground shuffling their feet.
"Jennifer, are you serious?" Hotch asked. "You have a son and a… fuck is Will your husband? I can't keep track of that shit."
"I haven't even seen Will since I was in labor! It's almost as if he only existed to argue with me once and get me pregnant! And I don't even know how that happened! And what could Henry have to do with sex, even if I gave a crap about being a mother?" JJ asked.
"Dear, God," Hotch said. "Someone, please explain to her…"
Morgan thought about explaining, but it would be more amusing to see who else would. No one stepped up to bat.
"No one knows how sex works?" Hotch asked.
"I know," Morgan said. Everyone else said nothing.
"Well, we need to correct this right now," Hotch said. "Everyone, to the Batmobile! Err... why don't we all hop into SUVs and you guys can just follow me?"
"YAY YAY YAY YAY I GET TO LEARN ABOUT SEX YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY! SEX YAY SEX YAY SEX YAY!" JJ said.
Reid looked really nervous. Morgan patted him on the shoulder and he smiled.
"Alright everyone! It's time for some sexual education!" Hotch said.
An hour later they were all assembled in a classroom, plus Will who got dragged along.
"So you're saying this is some kind of sex advice class?" Will said, not sure whether to be concerned or excited.
"Yeah it's going to be totally rad!" JJ said. "Besides, you listen to me bitch; you're not allowed to ask questions!"
"Yes, mam…"
Reid of course sat in the front row on the edge of his seat. "I like school! I'm good at school!"
"I bet you are Pretty Boy," Morgan said, sitting in the seat behind him and whispering in his ear.
Hotch cleared his throat and tried to call attention to the front of the class. "Okay, everyone get into pairs for this…"
"Hotch says you're supposed to be my sex partner thingy," JJ told Will as if she were an expert.
"Well, duh JJ. You know once upon we did have sex. And we're… umm… married? Engaged? Some shit like that," Will said.
JJ's jaw dropped. "We had sex? I don't remember that!"
"I hardly remember that either, considering it only happened once…" Will muttered.
Morgan ran his hands through Reid's hair seductively. "You gonna be with me, Princess?"
"YES! Finally someone picked me in school!" Reid said crying of happiness.
"Oh, Baby Boy I would always pick you… Come sit in my lap," Morgan said.
Reid shifted in his seat uncomfortably. "But your lap is where your boy parts are!" He whispered.
"Exactly, Cherry Pie," Morgan said. "This is Sex-Ed class after all…"
Reid turned around and stared and him with wide-eyes. "You mean you and me…? Sexual relations? Isn't that for people who love each other?"
"Bingo, Spence. I do love you, my Tiny Lamb Chop."
"OH MORGAN! I LOVE YOU TOO!" Reid hopped in Morgan's lap and put his arms around him in death grip. "But I'm scared of sex…"
"It'll be okay my Saucy Cupcake. I'll be real gentle and teach you everything," Morgan said and kissed Reid on the mouth for approximately two seconds before Reid got nervous and buried his face in Morgan's chest.
Prentiss inched closer to Garcia, who raised an eyebrow. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Prentiss said.
"Absolutely!" Garcia said. "Girl power!" They slapped an elaborate high-five handshake.
"Uh-oh," Elle said. "Three people left. Doesn't take Reid to figure out that math." She smiled secretly confident she could have her pick.
Gideon sobbed. "I can't choose! I love you both!"
Rossi took his hand and stared romantically (?) in his eyes. "Then you don't have to choose. You can have us both, my love. I will make that sacrifice for you."
"Two dudes? PART-AY! WOO!" Elle shouted.
Great, Hotch thought. He had only had one threesome and it was with Haley and the Haley-looking British chick. Never with two dudes. He dreaded explaining 'devil's three-ways' to the excited amateurs.
"Okay, everyone's paired off… or whatever. So basically one of the important things to know about sex is that's how babies are made," Hotch said. "But only when done with a woman and a man."
"FUCK! THAT'S how babies are made?" JJ said. "Will we're never having sex again!"
"I know, 'mam," Will said disheartened.
"JJ there is methods of birth control such as condoms and the pill." Hotch said. "Since you two are the only hetero couple why don't you come up here and I'll teach you how it works?" Will and JJ stood up and went to the front of the class. "Get naked."
Reid squirmed uncomfortably and made a noise that sounded like he was in pain.
"It's okay, Sweet Cheeks. I'll cover your innocent eyes," Morgan said holding on hand over Reid's eyes while the other rubbed his back.
Everyone else watched with fascination while the odd couple tore their clothes off.
"YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY SEX SEX SEX SEX YAY SEX EVEN IF IT'S WITH WILL YAY SEX!" JJ yelled.
"This is the best day ever!" Will said. "People are paying attention to me and I finally get to see my wife and/or girlfriend naked for the second time ever!"
It turned out Hotch didn't have to go into anything about foreplay, because JJ looked ready to jump the first thing she saw, animate or otherwise, and Will had a raging erection already.
"Do it, do it, do it," Elle whispered licking her lips. Gideon glanced over in her direction with interest. The voyeur thing really worked on her.
"Oh, look at those tits," Prentiss said to Garcia. "Nice, but I like a more voluptuous kind of girl myself." Garcia giggled and blushed. She bounced a little for her paramour.
Hotch threw a condom in Will's direction not wanting to get near his naked body. "Put this on."
Will looked confused. It then dawned on Hotch just why Henry was born. Natural selection obviously was not in order in this case. "Put it on your penis. Do I have to show you where that is?" Fortunately he did not, and the condom went on properly.
"Now, stick your penis in her vagina. Thrust till both satisfied."
"THAT'S IT?" JJ asked. "I could have figured that out. CAN WE DO IT AGAINST THE WALL WILL? CAN WE?"
"Sure, dear," Will said, giving her a romantic peck and shoving her into the wall. Then he followed Hotch's instructions and started thrusting.
JJ started off with soft moans and progressed to, "HARDER WILL FASTER HARDER GET THAT BABY IN ME!"
"Uhh…. JJ he put on a condom there's not going to be a baby," Morgan said still shielding Reid's eyes and he sat on his lap whimpering in this fetal position. "It's okay, Sugar Plum," Morgan cooed.
"THANK GOD!" JJ yelled and as Will went faster she switched to "OH, GOD! GOD! WILL!" and then went into an incoherent babble of nonsense will she orgasmed. Will groaned the whole time and soon followed.
"There you go," Hotch said. "Sex. But don't forget the condom because seriously we don't need any more… what the fuck is your last name Will? While we don't need more of you running around!"
"Oh don't worry!" JJ said cheerily. "I only pay attention to Will once a year at best. It's not like we're going to go have sex all the time!"
Will looked down at his feet sadly and picked up his clothes. Once they were dressed Hotch looked around for the next lesson he could teach. None of them were ones that he looked forward to.
"Okay, Prentiss, Garcia…" Hotch didn't know what to say. Then he realized it wasn't really his problem if they couldn't figure it out. "Here's some sex toys. Go in the closet and experiment."
"Oh boy!" Garcia said. Prentiss licked her lips. They went into the closet and after a while Garcia was shouting, "Ow! Not so rough! Are you sure we're doing this right?" But no one cared enough to check in on them. Or more accurately no one wanted to see what was going on on the other end of that door. Well maybe JJ, but she seemed to be able to sit in her seat and shut up now.
"Okay, Dave, Elle, Jason," Hotch said.
"Ooo, we're all on a first name basis. Sexy, Aaron," Elle said.
"Elle you seem plenty experienced, why are you here?" Hotch asked curiously.
"I prey on the sexually inept! I wanted Reid, but he's been taken… so I'll just do all the leftovers."
"Fair enough," Hotch said. "Fair enough. Can I get in on this?"
Elle smiled widely. "I'm sure as hell game."
'Dave' frowned. "Well as long as I get to go down on my Jason."
"Oh, trust me. You can have that job," Hotch said disgusted.
Gideon surveyed him up and down. "Okay, so Dave will do me, and I'll do Elle, while you do Elle Aaron? That could work."
Hotch wondered what he had gotten himself into, but agreed nevertheless.
"ALRIGHT FOUR WAY FOUR WAY FOUR WAY!" JJ shouted.
From the closet Prentiss moaned, "Oh baby do that harder! Break me in two!"
"Maybe we'll just go into another room?" Hotch said. The group headed out and went to do each other simultaneously.
"This is boring Will! Let's go home!" JJ said.
"To have sex?" Will said hopefully.
"Possibly. Who the fuck knows when we're off-screen as usual?" JJ said.
Reid was still sitting in Morgan's lap.
"Well, Snicklefritz, I guess you're off the hook then," Morgan said, stroking his baby boy's hair.
"Aww, but I've always been the best student ever! I wanted to beat everyone else," Reid pouted.
Morgan smiled, evilly. "Well, my little teacher's pet, why don't we continue the lesson, just you and me? I promise I'll be a good teacher."
"Yay!" Reid said and then blushed, realizing what it entailed. "I mean, how do we do it?" He whispered.
"Shh, Muffin Top. I'll teach you everything. First I'm going to kiss you, and then we'll take off our clothes. Sound good?"
"Oh, Morgan. I'm so nervous," Reid said.
Morgan kissed him in response. It was a rough, hard, intense kiss that lasted a long time. Reid moaned and squirmed in his arms. It set the perfect mood for what would happen next.
Morgan took off both of their shirts while they still were sitting. Then he unzipped Reid's now significantly tighter pants. "So, if I'm going to be a really good teacher, why don't I teach you on my desk?" Morgan asked with a wink.
"Oh, boy!" Reid said. "The teacher's desk was always my favorite place for sex… I mean, I'm an innocent virgin who never had to sleep with teacher's to be considered a genius! LOVE ME!"
"Spencey-Wencey are you serious? Did you sleep with all your teachers? And you not really a genius?" Morgan asked shocked.
"It's true! I'm sorry. I just wanted you to love me!" Reid said crying.
Morgan kissed the tears away –literally. "Don't worry, my spunky monkey. I still love you, I always will."
"Speaking of Will, I wonder if he's getting laid right now?" Reid asked with dull curiosity.
"Are you fucking serious? I just told you I loved you, and you're talking about Will? No one ever talks about Will! No one gives a shit about him!"
"I'm sorry! I mean I love you, too! Err… my yummy chocolate bar?" Reid said.
"Yeah, baby. I'm melt in your mouth," Morgan said.
That was when neither of them could take it any longer and threw off their clothes and jumped on the teacher's desk and had a very experienced round of sex.
The next morning, Garcia and Prentiss woke up feeling very sore and satisfied. That was, Prentiss was satisfied until Garcia started planning candle-lit picnics in the park and buying tickets to Disney on Ice.
No one knows what happened with JJ and Will; the cameras refuse to go to their home and especially not in their bedroom. Assuming they actually share a bedroom.
Hotch woke up on the floor and looked up to see the rest of his foursome laying in bed, Gideon smack dab in the middle. Hotch felt a deep since of shame. Rossi and Gideon were very pleased, and decided to pursue a regular two person relationship.
"It was mediocre at best," Elle said. "But it must be better than whatever Morgan and Reid did. I mean, how lame and inexperienced is that kid?"
Morgan and Reid woke up in bed together very happy. Morgan ended up proposing immediately, because he was just that smitten with his Fairy Boy. Reid agreed and jumped into his arms, and they haven't left the bedroom since.
THE END
A/N: Well there you go! Hoped you liked it! Please review! And inside joke for cool people "CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY BODY?"
Thanks for reading, all! :)
Oh, and as a side note to any of my fans: at the moment I'm not really writing anything or necessarily going to continue fanfiction. I hope this changes, but things are tough right now.