(Chapter song: Blaqk Audio - Bitter For Sweet

"Can you tell me what stops the pain?

Self medication?

Science, saviours, tragedy?

How deep must we cut to reach sensation?

Find it. Bring it back to me,

Where the void remains.

Would you save my life,

If you knew why this is the last time?

I'm leaving without you in silence.")

Dan's pov

I sit here on my bed staring at a this small, wooden box in my hands. In ones instant I will myself to open it up and give into everything that entails, the next I try to convince myself to put it back in its hiding spot and leave it be. I'm not exactly sure how much longer I can hold on. I know that there are reasons for me to try, but those reasons really don't seem to matter much anymore. There have just been too many things that have happened to me... and I just can't. I don't want to fight it anymore. It hurts too much to keep forcing myself to breathe, to continue pretending that everything is okay, that I'm not broken.

But the truth is that I am broken, I'm not okay and there is nothing that I can do to deny that. I could hide it from the rest of the world, but when I was alone all that stuff I keep so perfectly hidden comes to the surface. All the awful memories and thoughts just come poring out and there is nothing that I stop it.

Fuck, panic attacks are hell.

Part of me wishes I would just go get medication for them because of how bad they get soemtimes, but then I would have to tell somebody and that was out of the question.

There's only one reason that I haven't just stopped yet, and that's Phil. Sweet, loving, caring Phil, the only light in my otherwise bleak existence. But even here the darkness threatens to take over.

.

I can't remember when I've cried this much, or at least I don't want to remember the times I have cried this much.. I'm sitting on the bed, tears streaming down my face, pleading with him, "Please just tell me that this is something more then just sex. It has been over a year that we've been togeth- that we have been doing this. I just want to know that I'm more then just some friend you have over when you want something. After all we've done together, please tell me that I mean something to you. Because I can't handle not knowing anymore, it is tearing me to pieces. I lov- I care about you so much that it hurts! Please just tell me something. Explain this to me. Please."

He just looked at me with sadness eyes and said, "I know you do, I can see it. It's one of the reasons that I think you're so beautiful. But, I'm sorry, I just can't. The last time I was in love I ruined it and lost myself, I don't want to do that again. I will love you and care for you, but I won't be in love with you, at least not now. I can't do that again. I'm sorry."

I sobbed one last time and turned away from him to silently cry myself to sleep. I heard him sigh before he warped his arm around my waist and pull me closer to his him. There was a part of me that wanted to push him away, to show him how much this hurt me, but I didn't have the energy to do anything other than cry.

"I'm sorry," he whispered again.

With that comforting gesture he was promising something that he would probably never be able to do, truly care for me. I knew this, but I loved him too much to give up even that smallest glitter of hope and I hated myself even more because of that.

.

This was three years ago, he still hasn't been able to tell me that he loves me. I know now that's because he doesn't, who could? I can't tell him I love him even though he knows, for some reason that is the one thing that I'm not good at hiding.

The tears begin to fall harder as I start to sob uncontrollably. I hate how remembering one bad thing makes all the other worse memories flood back. The box falls out of my hands with a quiet 'thump' when it lands on the carpet as I bring my hands up to cover my face.

I need to get control. I need to stop. Stop. STOP!

I fall to the ground next to my bed and bring my knees to my body holding them as tight as I can and burry my face in them. I begin to rapidly rock myself back and forth for comfort. Like that will ever work you idiot. My hands move to my head as I pull on my hair, trying to distract my mind. It doesn't work, nothing this.. harmelss has worked in a very long time.

"It's ok, it's ok. You can do this, you can do this. I can do this. Breathe. Breathe. Just, pull yourself together, stop crying, stop, stop, stop... "

All the memories and the pain associated with them start to really overwhelm me, it is too much. I just want to disappear. I want them to stop, to leave me alone, but the more I try to stop them, the clearer they become. I pull harder.

Oh it's not ok! I can't, I just can't do this, there is nothing, nothing gets better. Nothing ever gets better, nothing will ever get better. Why do I even try?

Then I see that small wooden box laying on the floor next to me and a thought pops into my head.

Why do continue to I try? What's the use? What's the point?

There is none. I don't want do this anymore, I can't do this anymore. I won't do this anymore.

I pick up the box, it feels colder and somehow heavier than it ever has before. I slowly open the lid to reveal those small, cold pieces of metal sitting on a bit of cloth. My fingers move to pick one of the sharpest up for the last time-

Phil.

I can't leave him with nothing. Even if he doesn't care, I still can't leave nothing.

I quickly grab the slightly tattered, hard cover journal that I write my dreams, thoughts, memories, and other random things in and a pen from my bedside table, then open it up to the first empty page I can find. For a split second I picture Phil holding this book, reading this (soon to be) note, and seeing just how damaged I really am. Just how much I have hidden from him all these years.

Sometimes I'm not sure exactly why I write my dreams down, they never really end well, but for some reason I still feel the need to write them down. Maybe it's so I can have a bit of control over what I'm thinking, I know that I don't though.

I wonder what the first think that he'll read is...

I flip back a few pages to the beginning of the last entry. Great, it's the one where Phil had told me he loved me, but nothing got better. All the things that had happened to me still happened so I finally drowned myself in a freshwater pool. He's going to think your a complete freak. I flipped back and put the pen to the slightly faded paper.

"To my beloved Phil,

If your reading this then that means that I've finally done it, I'm no longer with you.

I am so sorry, I just can't hold on anymore. There is just too much pain and it is so hard to fight it. I'm tired of fighting, so tired.

I just wanted you to know that I love you more then anything on this earth and this is not your fault.

I know this note is short and it doesn't really explain anything. If you want to know some of the reasons I have become the way I am then just read this journal, it will basically tell you everything you need to know. And if you do read it then I am so sorry that I have never told you the things that happened to me. I just didn't want to burden you and I thought that since you never noticed it meant you didn't care. I probably confusing you with this but there are things... you'll see.

I want you to know that you're the only reason that I've made it for as long as I have, if it was't for you I would done this long ago. Thank you for being there for me and it's ok that you didn't love me. Who could? But I loved you, you are the light of my otherwise dark life.

Please, move on, have a great, full life, forget about me, I'm not worth remembering anyways. Sorry you had to waste your time with me, but thank you for the time you gave me, I cherished every moment.

I love you, goodbye my sweet man, my little lion. You're the only thing that I will miss.

You were everything to me. I'm so sorry.

Dan"

I move my hand across the page and try to wipe away some of the tears that had fallen onto the page as I wrote. Then it dawns on me, this is will be the last thing that I'll ever write, the last words. My last words. I will never write anything again.

This is it. I can't believe it. I can finally end it.

I set the journal down next to the box leaving it open to the note and run my fingers over the open box beside it. I reach inside and feel the cold metal of the razor blade warm as I pick it up.

It amazes me how such a small thing will be the death of me, that when I wield it this tiny thing has the power to end my life. I look down at my right wrist and move to cut off the bands I have covering up my old scars. It had been a while since I gave into the urge to release some pressure, but the proof of my weakness is still clearly visible. I run the tip of my finger over some of the deeper ones. Angry little (some not so little) lines that showed all the times I couldn't take to pain and needed something to numb it.

It's fascinating, this new wound will never heal. This will be the last one, ever. No more hiding, it will all be out in the open. Everybody will know what I have been dealing with for so long.

I take a deep breath and bring the blade down to my wrist. I pause only for a second then push it down harder then ever before and drag it up my arm. It hurts more then it ever had before, but the pain comforts me. It tells me that it will all be over soon. The blood is already flowing down my hand and seeping into the carpet as I finish the second cut.

One more, just to make sure. This needs to be the end, I can't fail.

I bring the blade down again and drag it parallel to the last cut. When I'm done it falls from my fingers and lands silently into the floor as I close my eyes and lean my head back onto my bed. The pain begins to fade and I decide to just focus on the feeling of my blood leaving my body. It is nice, my mind stopped terrorising me and there was only silence. All the memories and pain coming from them just stopped. All that I can feel now is the dull 'thud' from my heart pumping the blood out of my body. It feels peaceful, truly peaceful for the first time in a long time.

I smile and whisper:

"Goodbye my love."

.

.

.

.

.

.

What's that noise?

Phil's pov

Darn it, I didn't mean to be gone for this long, it has been 3 hours. So much for a simple trip into town. I hope Dan isn't worried, I know how he gets sometimes. If only I hadn't forgotten my flipping phone. I can't wait to see him again, I can't wait to surprise him.

My hand slips into my jacket pocket and I feel the small velvet box and grin. Today is the day, I know for sure, Dan is the one no matter what, even if it means me getting lost again I will be with him forever. I love him. I love him so much and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. Nothing is bothering me today, not the people not the dreadful weather, nothing. I'm going to ask the man I love to marry me today, nothing can go wrong.

As I turn the corner and see our building I get even more excited then I already had been.

I'm going to ask Dan to marry me, this is the best day ever!

I run up the steps, unlock the front door and begin to dash up the stairs. This feels like it's taking forever! When I finally reach the top I pause for a moment to catch my breath. This is the day that I have been waiting for, the first day of the rest of our lives together. My hands are shaking so much that I almost have a hard time opening the inside door to our home.

Our home. How sweet that sounds.

I feel like a child, I haven't been this excited about doing something in a very long time and I can't wait.

"Dan! I'm home!"

No reply. He must be sleeping, I'll wait.

But first, just one peak at my future fiancé. I sneek over to his door to his old room. We have been sharing my room for a long time now, but he still prefers to take naps in his room. He's just cute like that. I push the door open as silently as I can so I don't wake him then begin to peak my head around.

He is so cute when he's sleeping, just one peak. Aw! He fell asleep on the- wait, what is that all over him? Oh god no. NO!

"DAN! No, no, no, no! DAN!" I scream as I run over to him and wrap my arms around him shaking him a bit. "Sweetie please no, no, please don't be dead, n-"

"Phil?"

"Yes! Dan I'm here my love just stay with me, please!" I dial 999 as quickly as I can then basically sob into the phone, "Yes, my-my friend has cut open his wrists, please get her as quickly as you can!" And give them our address. The phone went flying, all I care about right now is Dan.

"Dan say something to me please."

I pick up a shirt from nearby and wrap it tightly around his wrist.

There is so much blood. How could there be this much blood? It won't stop!

"Phil, I'm so sorry" He sounded so weak, like he was barely there, "I couldn't do it any more, please don't hate me." He tried to open his eyes but they only a sliver appeared.

"I just want to see his face one more time." Dan thinks.

"Dan, sweetie, I could never hate you. I love you, please, I love you. Your my world, don't leave me."

"You love me? Really?" A small smile had appears on Dan's lips.

"Yes, yes, I love you, I'm sorry it took me so long to tell you, but I love you and I want you to marry me. See?" I fumble with my pocket for a second and pull out the ring and put it in front of Dan's face. He slowly opens his eyes and smiles weakly. I gently grab his untouched left arm and slip the small gold and silver band onto his cold finger. So cold.

"You wanted me to marry you? Phil... thank you. Thank you." His eyes begin to close again.

"No Dan! Look at me! Keep your eyes open. You haven't given me an answer yet sweetie, please look at me."

"Yes." Dan whispers. "I love you."

"I love you too sweetie, please stay awake, for me. Help is coming."

"I'll try," He says, his voice is barely even there,"but it's so hard."

"Just a little longer, you'll be fine. Please stay with me."

"Phil, I'm so tired."

I hear the sirens approach and stop outside our flat. "I know, please just stay with me, it will be fine. Everything will be fine, everything's fine." The paramedics are banging at the door. "IN HERE!" I yell. "Dan, the paramedics are here you're going to be fine sweetie, stay with me."

"Ok, I'll try." Dan says and the paramedics burst in and begin to pull me away from him. I don't want to let him go, but I know that I have to. They work quickly on temporally stabilizing him and then put him onto a stretcher. He weakly looks at me as they take him past.

"Phil..." and then he's gone out the door and the paramedics are yelling the name of the hospital they are heading to back to me. A few seconds later the sirens begin to fade into the distance.

What am I going to do? What if he doesn't make it? What if this is my fault? If I had told him sooner, if I would have noticed something was wrong with him would this not have happened? How did I not notice that something was wrong with him? How did I miss something this big. Oh no, what would I do without Dan?

The thoughts pour out of my head as quickly as the tears pour from my eyes. I sit here covered in Dan's blood shaking till I realize that I need to go.

I have to go to the hospital. I need clothes for Dan, I need- Then I see it, lying there on the blood stained carpet was an open journal. Dan's journal and at the top of the page I see my name clearly printed in Dan's script. Slowly, I pick it up and begin to read.

"To my beloved Phil..."

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Well there it is first chapter.. I hope you enjoyed it. There will be a Trigger warning for this entire story, just to let you know, so please be careful. Also the song at the top of the chapters, I recommend to throw those on repeat for the chapter because I think that they go very well. This story is also up on Wattpad and I'm a little better at keeping that one up to date.. though not that much... sorry.. Anyways, I wish you all the best and I love feedback if you want to give any!