Funny What a Chess match Can Do.
Written for iwright for the TLX Christmas Exchange.
I own nothing. Enjoy.
The Leaky Cauldron, May 5th, 2008
"What? This can't be! What the Bloody Hell?!" demanded one very pissed off Ronald Billius Weasley. All while Draco Malfoy smiled that smug grin that would have made Severus Snape proud.
How could this happen? This had never happened before. This just didn't happen to him. Especially not by someone like Draco Malfoy!
"Checkmate Weasley. I win." Smugly said Malfoy as he captured Ron's Queen and proceeded to give the most evil laugh that Ron had ever heard before flipping Ron off and leaving possibly in the best mood Malfoy had ever been in in his whole life.
The chess match had gone on for about 2 hours with many people having gathered around to watch when it reached the 30 minute mark. Malfoy had just been released from a mandatory 10 year sentence in Azkaban for joining the Death Eaters. The only reason it wasn't longer was because his and his Family's defection at the last minute.
Apparently during his time there, in order to make the time go by faster, he had taken to challenging everyone in Azkaban Prison to a game of Chess during their one hour Yard Time allowance. From Dolohov to the Warden, he had risen through the ranks and had become an expert Chess Player.
Upon his release, he had immediately sought out Ron and challenged him to a Chess Match. But only after spending a night with his beautiful wife, Astoria Greengrass, with whom he had had a son during one of their conjugal visits.
"No. No!" Ron was beyond devastated. He had never lost a chess match in his life. Ever. What had he done wrong?
"Cheer up Ron. You gave it your best shot." Said Harry as he patted Ron on the back, while Hermione, Tonks, and Ron's girlfriend of over 2 years, Luna, did the same and tried giving him words of encouragement. But nothing could do the job this time. This was unacceptable.
Suddenly a pint of Firewhisky was placed in front of him. He looked up and saw the pubtender.
"On the house Mate." He said before leaving. Without a second thought he downed it, not even noticing the burning effect it had on his throat.
Little did he know, as he put the pint glass down, that the next day all Hell would break loose. Within the deep, dark caverns of Ron Weasley's mind, things were popping all over the place. Sort of like popcorn when it's in the microwave.
Without warning, Ron started giggling uncontrollably, as well as twitching something furious. Soon, it had developed into full on evil laughter. He got out of his booth and started bouncing all over the place.
"You'll never catch me Gremlins! You'll never take me alive!" he shouted, right before he pulled out his wand out of its Auror Standard Quick Draw Holster and aimed at the stuffed and mounted Spider Head…
Meanwhile…
"You think Ron will be OK?" asked Harry while he and Hermione picked out some food for dinner that night.
"Harry, I'm sure that Ronald will be fine. He lost a stupid chess match. It happens. It's not like he's going to go insane or anything." Hermione scoffed to her Husband.
"I guess you're right." Harry replied before going back to shopping. What could go wrong? He knew Ron loved Chess. But it was just a game. He surely had to realize that. Right?
The Next Day
"Come and get me!" Ron yelled out as he cast jinxes and hexes at the various candies and sweets in Honeydukes. The Gremlins had been following him all night. No matter what he did, he couldn't shake them.
So ultimately he had decided to start fighting them off, one by one. Maybe he would become the next Hero of the World! Just like Harry!
The problem was that he was not doing a very good job at killing them and couldn't seem to hit anything.
"Wait. I've got it! Gred and Forge will surely have something!" He declared before apparating away, leaving mass destruction and chaos in his wake.
Fred and George's Joke Shop, several minutes later
Ron apprated into the shop with a loud crack and immediately started ransacking the place for everything he thought could aid in killing the Gremlins.
"Ron! What the…" began Fred, with a shocked looked on his face.
"Bloody Hell are you doing?!" finished George.
"The Gremlins! They're everywhere! I must destroy them!" yelled out Ron while he gathered supplies.
"What Gremlins?" both Twins asked simultaneously, before giving the other a look, before saying, "Yep. He's lost it."
"Save yourselves!" Ron yelled back before disappearing. Leaving, as usual, chaos behind. The Twins looked around. The whole place was a mess. Everything was gone. Then they voiced the all-important question.
"Who's going to pay for all this?!"
5 minutes later
"Ok. So let me get this right. Deputy Auror Ronald Weasley, decorated veteran of the Aurors Corps, stole all of your Magical Pranking Devices?" asked Tonks incredulously while using a Quick Quill to take down Fred and George's statements.
"Yes!"
"That's ridiculous! He'd never do anything like that!" exclaimed Harry.
"Oh yes he would!"
Suddenly, Hermione burst through the doors and said, "You aren't going to believe this."
Tonks, Harry and Hermione walked outside just in time to see a dozen fires lit all across Diagon Alley. People were running in the streets and trying frantically to escape dying a horrible, fiery death at the hands of an insane, Gremlin obsessed Auror Ronald Billius Weasley.
Suddenly Ron appeared infront of them.
"Guys! I'm so glad you're here. The Gremlins are everywhere! I can't kill them!" he yelled, causing Tonks' hair to turn from bubblegum pink to lime green in confusion.
"Ron, you're my Best Mate. Think about what you're doing man!" yelled out Harry. Silence came over them for a few minutes. Suddenly, Ron apparently spotted something.
"Harry, look out!" the madman yelled before decking the Boy-Who Lived and casting several Blasting curses at the shop behind him and then running off.
All three of them stood there for several minutes, trying to process just what had happened. Finally, Hermione spoke.
"He's gone insane. Losing the Chess Match to Malfoy must have caused him to lose his marbles. He's become a danger to everyone around him."
"We have no choice then." Added Harry before Tonks finished his sentence.
"For his own safety, we will have to capture him."
Immediately they hijacked Fred and George's Joke Shop to use as a Headquarters and began planning the capture of their insane friend.
Somewhere, in the Dark Woods of London
"Are you sure this is going to work, Hermione?" asked Harry as they laid in wait.
"Of course it will work, Harry. It caught Malfoy Sr. didn't it?" Hermione replied as Tonks simply looked on with obvious skepticism. After all the stories Harry had told her in the Aurors about his adventures at Hogwarts, Tonks had good reason to doubt a plan would come together so simply. Since when did any plan go off without a hitch.
But then again, the plan was simple, really. Ron was heading this way. More than likely he was going to be fighting non-existent Gremlins. So, they had laid out a net on the ground of the forest floor, as well as a snare within the center. That way, when he stepped into the snare, he would be caught. Then Harry would cast a spell that would hoist an insane Ronald Weasley 30ft into the air.
"Yes, but Malfoy Sr. was a dumbass with a blonde wig made out of his Mother's chest hair. Ron is an insane, evil genius with gremlins on the mind.", declared Tonks.
"Details. Details." Hermione deadpanned, all the while concentrating on the other end of the road through the bushes they were hiding in.
"WHAT'S UP, GUYS?!" yelled out Ron, startling them all and causing them all to fall through the bushes onto the net, right before Ron cast off a series of curses, one of which raised the net up into the air, trapping them all.
"YOU WILL NEVER TAKE ME, GREMLINS!" yelled Ron before running off.
Harry scratched his chin a little while before Tonks addressed the elephant in the net.
"What was that you said about, oh I don't remember, "Of course it will work, Harry! It caught Malfoy Sr. didn't?"?"
"Got any better ideas, Nymphadora?" Hermione replied, pissed off royally.
"NEVER CALL ME THAT!"
"Both of you calm down! It's time for Plan B!" yelled out Harry.
That actually calmed both of them down a little bit before Tonks cut them down. Hermione, as usual, then thought of something.
"We don't have a Plan B, Harry."
"We will."'
The Burrow
"Are you sure this one will work?" asked Tonks as Molly and Harry laid out the last of the lavish meal on the table.
"Of course it will, Tonks. If there is one thing Ronald loves more than Chess, it's food." Replied Molly before taking a seat.
When Molly Weasley had learned that her youngest son had gone insane, she had immediately agreed to help them, on the condition that they not hurt him and that they would stay for had agreed to it, and had decided that this plan was fool proof.
It was a simple food trap. Ron would sit down to stuff his face with the very finest food Molly Weasley could make, and when he had finished eating, he would be too worn out and stuffed to be able to run anywhere. Therefore, it would be easy for Tonks to use Incarcerus to capture him.
They could deal with the problem that was getting Ron back to normal later.
"When should he get here?" asked Hermione as they lay in wait in Arthur's enchanted coat closet, filled to the brim with various Muggle objects, including a very strange collection of Rubber Duckies and Light Bulbs.
"Any minute now, Hermione." Replied Tonks.
As if right on cue, Ron appeared in the dinning room with a loud CRACK and stared at the food. Seconds turned into minutes. Finally, after looking about, obviously looking for the Gremlins, he sat down and started stuffing his face with his Mother's fine home-cooking.
"Merlin's beard. Did I teach him any manners?" asked Molly, staring in horror at Ron Weasley's obvious lack of any table manners, wolfing down biscuit after biscuit, stopping only to down it with pumpkin juice.
"Where in the world is he putting it all?" demanded Hermione.
Soon, Ron laid there, passed out, with a full belly and obviously very content.
"Now!" yelled out Harry, as they burst out and Tonks captured the insane man with Incarcerus. Ron wiggled with all his might and struggled against the ropes that held him, but to no avail.
"Let me go! I must destroy the Gremlins!" he yelled out.
"Not happening Ron." replied Harry to his insane friend, looking at him with pity.
"Mum! Help me! Please." Ron said to his Mom, with a desperate, crazed look in his eyes.
"Ronald, this is for your own good. They're your friends. They're going to get you help to try and get you back to normal." Molly replied.
With that, Hermione cast a muffling charm on Ron and they all sat down to eat what was left of Molly's homecooking. Though considering the fact that Ron's idea of eating food was eliminating it, there wasn't much left and Molly proceeded to make some more for them and by the time they were done, they had to take a short nap to sleep off all the food consumed.
In fact, by the time they woke up, it was already Morning of the next day and Molly had insisted on them eating breakfast before taking Ron off to a Ministry Interrogation Cell to try and cure his madness.
Holding Cell 1
"Ok Ronald. This is how it's going to go down. If you drop this act right now, I promise you that you won't lose your job." Offered Tonks as a deal.
Ron, at the moment, was currently chained to the desk and had had his wand taken away.
He was also being extremely annoying.
"Gremlins. GREMLINS! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!"
Finally, Harry had had enough and walked up to his friend.
"Ron, I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE STUPID GREMLINS! IF YOU DON'T STOP RAMBLING ON ABOUT THEM, I WILL BE ALL OVER YOU LIKE MY COUSIN DUDLEY ON A CUPCAKE!"
Silence overcame the room for a few minutes.
Finally Ron broke it.
"GREMLINS!"
That earned him a backhand slap from Harry, before he and Tonks went to the viewing room, where Hermione stood, deep in thought.
"I don't know what to do Tonks. I think we've lost him." Said Harry, sighing as he looked through the one-way mirror.
As all of them looked, the door in the interrogation room opened and both were shocked to see who else but Luna Lovegood walk right up to Ron Weasley and plant a kiss right on his lips.
As they broke it off, Ron seemed in a glazed state. Harry, Hermione and Tonks came into the room as well.
"Luna, what did you do?" asked Tonks, not breaking off eye contact with Ron.
"The power of Love will do many things, Tonks." She said before Ron snapped out of it.
"What happened? Who won?"
Harry, Hermione and Tonks looked at each other and nodded.
"Ron, we got some bad news to tell you."
A Shack, in the Dark Forrest
"Are you sure about this, Tonks?" asked Harry as he, Hermione and Tonks walked with Ron towards the shack.
"Absolutely. This guy is a Chess Master. He won the World Championship 5 times in a row."
They reached the shack and Hermione rapped on the door several times before it opened, revealing Argus Filch, armed with a pocket knife and a block of wood he had been carving into something.
"What do you want?" he asked gruffly.
"Our friend has lost his ability to play Chess and he wants to kick Malfoy's ass." Replied Tonks.
Argus seemed to stare into space for a while, as if looking for a sign or a vision. He finally spoke.
"Send him in. Come back in 3 weeks."
As Ron stepped into the shack and Argus closed the door and put his knife and wood down.
"Forget everything you know about Chess, Weasley. I'm about to teach you how to play like a Pro."
3 weeks later
"Checkmate! I win!" declared Ron as he jumped up from his seat and started doing a victory dance, earning him a standing ovation from the crowd.
Later, as the Leaky Cauldron started Dance Night, no one could top Ron, as he danced with his girlfriend Luna on the dance floor.
Finally, as the final song started to play at midnight, he stopped.
"Luna, I've got something to ask you." he said before getting down on one knee. As he pulled out a ring and held it before him, he asked, "Will you marry me?"
Luna looked happier than she had ever been. "Yes Ronald! Of course I will!"